sophiamarie2007

I have been an addict for twelve years and a widow for four years. However, my husband's death was a breeding ground for my addiction. My addiction skyrocketed after his death. I didn't want to feel anything.. I didn't want to deal with the guilt that I could have saved him, I didn't want to deal with sadness of him dieing at such a young age and leaving me with a 3 month old 3 year old and a 4 year old at the time. I didn't want to deal with the looks that I got from people in a small town after his death. I didn't want to deal with the pity I would see in people's eyes when I took the kids anywhere. I didn't want to deal with it so I used pills to cover it up. I thought they made me superwoman, supermom who kept her emotions at bay and was able to handle the impossible task that was before me. I didn't want to be angry at him for leaving us..I just didn't want to feel. My Doctor feelgood was a good friend with my husband (he worked in the medical field) and had alot of guilt after his death. He wondered why he didn't see his depression and addiction (he was addicted to pot and alcohol) Well his guilt meant that he would keep me stocked in pain pills for my problems. I rarely had to go on the streets to buy, he kept me stocked. For four years, access to my DOC (vicodin) was easy and cheap. I didn't feel a financial strain cause he just called in the refills every month to the pharmacy and I got the price for generic vicodin. This has gone on for four years (before then I had other sources for my addiction, but it wasn't as bad as it was after his death) The vicodin became my new husband, my best friend, my magic pill that made me able to handle anything. Well here I am four years later and I am finally clean, 17 days clean and I am left to deal with the mess that I left behind four years ago.

I cried today in front of my kids on the way home from church. I was talking to them about their Dad and just lost it. I am thinking about what I could have done differently to save him. I am dealing with the guilt one feels after a suicide of a spouse. I am dealing with the struggles of being a solo parent to three young kids. I am dealing with the sadness of him not being here anymore. I am dealing with the anger of his death and I am pissed off at him.
All of these emotions are now hitting me because I am not hiding behind those toxic pills anymore. This is the tough part for me. I am going to my first NA meeting this week and have an appointment with a drug counselor tommorrow. I am keeping an open mind because I have to learn to live on life's terms. I am struggling with it cause I know a pill would take that all away for me. I want to be a good mom, good friend, good person without the pills. I just need to know how to get my head clear and cope with what is in front of me without resorting to picking up a pill. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. I am just struggling now, I haven't been clean since his death and it's all hitting me at once!

lostgirl25

First let me say how sorry I am about the death of your husband. We never know the life issues anyone is dealing with. You have made a great first step on dealing with what you have had to experience. Did you detox without help? Perhaps now is the time to tell Dr. feelgood what you have said here. You will want and need the advice of a Dr. for support.

I just started with a drug counselor and for the first time (I've relapsed before) told the cold hard truth and cried and begged for the skills and tools I would need to live the life I'm meant to live and be the best Mom I can be. It was therapeutic and I felt the burden lift. I'm not out of the woods and have a long way to go, but at least I finally have someone who will help me be accountable. We are all dealing with issues that by ourselves seem insurmountable. At 17 days clean I was depressed, had anxiety and cried at the drop of the hat, but did not take any meds. I did start NA and the 12 steps. please be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. You have a disease and there will be healing. It will take time and a lot of hard work and patience, patience, patience. I know - we have always taken a pill to get instant gratification. For me, I had to learn a new way of thinking. Seeing the end result keeps me focused. Again you have expressed yourself so openly and there is so much support on this forum. One day at a time, one hour or one minute at a time. Good Luck and congrats on 17 days.

Threshold

Hi Sophiamarie, welcome, and thanks for sharing your story.

Truly the way to do this, is to just do it. Not trying to figure it out ahead of time, and analyze it and decide how we are going to look, feel and act in recovery, lay that aside and just deal with what is in front of us.

Rough days do not indicate that we are not doing it right, life just has rough days. Feelings come and go, and are not necessarily accurate indicators of reality.

And honestly, if you could make it the past four years wasted, take care of the kids etc using drugs, you can certainly do it clean and aware. Now you will have all your capabilities available to meet life.

I am not minimizing or ignoring the pain, anger, guilt and fear, that is rough stuff. My heart goes out to you. I truly believe that we can recover, no matter what is put on our plate. I hear stories here every day, and live my own challenging story, and as long as we put one foot in front of the other, we recover.

OwlFeathers

********** Sophie}}}}}}}} Glad you are taking care of you. Just atke it one day at a time. Much love and hugs

Cassandra48

Hi sophiamaria. I'm so sorry. We started this recovery process practically rapt the same time. I'm 2 days behind you. I'm left speechless after I read your story. Yes, I've had family losses, but no means have I faced your struggles. I think you're probably a lot stronger than you even realize. Take it one day at a time sweetie and take care of yourself.

struggles79

Hi Sophiamaria, I'm sorry to hear about your husband. It's really hard when you feel guilt for something that may or may not have been in your control. Guilt, anger and resentment are tough things to overcome and just gnaw away at the soul and I feel it's a big reason why alot of us resort to popping pills or w/e mood changer we use.

You seem like a tough and brave women to have been through all the things you have, raise your kids and making a change to your life for the better. I think going to counselor is a great idea because they can give us a different perspective on life and tools to deal with stressful times and emotions. Just remeber whats important to you and the reasons why you are quitting. Good luck with the counselor tommorow!

Ilovemysonjj

Hello, I just wanted to say that you are a very strong woman who has realized that your life is not about the false reality that the drugs have provided. Your journey has been very hard and now you need the strength and support of others to help guide you through dealing with your pain and loneliness. I have never had an addiction to the opiates, but my son is in early recovery. I understand that the opitates can mask and inhibit our normal emotional response to hurdles and heartaches that occur in our lives. take the strength that others can provide to you, your precious children need you;.
Hugs and prayers to you and your family
TT

Sunshine2

I am so sorry you have to cope with your husband's suicide. My brother committed suicide and I know about the extreme guilt everyone left behind feels. I spiralled into a depression after his death and the only thing that finally helped was talking to a counseller about it. I did this weekly for 6 months and eventually I can honestly say all feelings of guilt disappeared. I hope your counsellor will allow you to mourn his death fully.

Some of the things my counsellor said that helped me get over the guilt was:
1) If I prevented him from committing suicide this time, he would have found another time
2) If he didn't commit suicide, his life may have gone downhill so much thereafter that death was the better outcome (this one really had an impact on me)
3) As with addiction, no one but the person who does it is responsible for it. It was his choice to do it, not yours.

I hope you can find some peace from this eventually.

finaltime

Thinking about you! I think you are taking all the right steps for a better future. You are very strong and can do this!! Keep posting.

sophiamarie2007

Thanks for the kinds words and encouragement guys. I really appreciate it. I meet with the counselor today and I am going to my first NA meeting on THursday. (I can only go once a week because I have to get a sitter)-I honestly think the NA meeting is going to help me more than the counselor. I have been to counselors before (years ago when I quit for a while)-and all they preached to me was go to a meeting. Well I can figure that out on my own (can you tell I am not really into therapy)- But I will give it a shot and keep an open mind. Hopefully I won't be sitting there worrying about the cost the whole time.

Lostgirl-I detoxed at home. My Mom came up for a few days and helped me take care of the kids. I can't afford a rehab right now, nor would I have anyone to watch the kids for that long. I wish I could've gone to a 30 day rehab.. I think it would have done me good. I am doing the best I can on my own.. not using-coming in here and starting meetings. I hope to start working out at the gym when my energy comes back a little more. Thanks again everyone.

lostgirl25

How was the drug counselor? You never know until you try if it is a fit. Hope you got some tools to use that are helpful. My counselor listens and I like it that she calls me out on any discrepancies and has really made me look at where I am and where I need to be. The 12 step study is really helping me.

After 38 days I still have to force myself to workout. It would be nice to go to a gym but until I am debt free I'll stick with the CD's at home. My daughter works out with me and that motivates me. 7 yr. old support is great. Hold on Sophia got to get to work.

lostgirl25

Give us a post Sophiamarie. I get frantic when things are too quiet on here. Struggling still but nothing physical. Just keeping the head games intact. I've been reading all of the recovery stories on this forum and filling my brain with all the positive thoughts I can muster. There is no option. Just one step at a time, one day at a time, and the evil pills will not creep in. The holidays are not stressing me this year (at least not yet) and I'm finding I'm seeing and enjoying what my child is excited about. 39 days and I am beginning to see a bit of the old me. I want her back.