choublak

Is there a version of Secular Connections for loved ones of alcoholics? I know there is a Friends and Family forum; I'm not talking about that.

I don't understand recovery from codependency - some people say it doesn't exist; others say it is just like alcoholism: progressive and fatal if left untreated.

What is the point of even being in a relationship if you're going to "detach with love"?

I'm affected by the alcoholic (kind of), but I don't feel like I have anything to recover from. I can feel my brain being "washed" by the "detach, work on you, concentrate on your own recovery" material, and I don't like it.

Zencat

Sorry cant help you. I was in a situation with AGF that was so crazing making I had detach or join her in the insanity of it all. I chose having mental wellness and let her go.

LifeRecovery

Choublak-

I got a different and great perspective on this when I went to marriage counseling (some with my husband), but I just finished up over a year seeing her individually after the demise of my relationship. She had a very different perspective on the whole codependancy piece.

She had me do a lot of stuff based on the work of Brett Atkinson (it might be Brent). There was an essence of detachment in that work, but then about coming back together again. Essentially it was that you needed to be able to stand strong on your own to not get swept up in a relationship. I found it a nice balance to the way I was living before. I have not yet tried it in a relationship (I am no where near ready for that), but it helped to integrate what I was learning about detachment.

It also helped me to see that with my husband and his addiction concerns he was probably not in a place to meet me halfway. That does not mean it could not happen in another situation.

onlythetruth

Here on SR, the Friends & Family threads do seem to be dominated by detachment theory and the idea that codependency is a fatal disease from which you need to "recover". Perhaps one day they'll add a secular thread, but at the moment it seems you need to look elsewhere for a supportive environment that takes a different viewpoint. You might want to try SMART Recovery's F&F forum. They have a weekly online meeting, too.

Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention

choublak

Thank you! The only solutions I've found in SR F&F are to either leave and never look back; or stay, but never interact with, the alcoholic. While those options work for some, my situation is not at that point yet. Should it get to such a point, I'll gladly look into detachment.