amend to a spouse
~ still a believer ~
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 141
amend to a spouse
"except when to do so would injure them"
so to tell a spouse of 30 years you have been unfaithful (more than one occasion) I cant help but think that is designed more to relieve "my" own guilt..........and would devastate the other person involved (therefore only causing MORE harm)
Is this an absolute must?
so to tell a spouse of 30 years you have been unfaithful (more than one occasion) I cant help but think that is designed more to relieve "my" own guilt..........and would devastate the other person involved (therefore only causing MORE harm)
Is this an absolute must?
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
This is a HUGE deal. Make sure you spend some time asking for guidance (prayer) and meditating (listening for the advice that comes back).
This isn't in the book but....heh....it's a good litmus test for me. Take the two options....whichever one I "WANT" to do or whichever one I "HOPE IT IS," odds are.......do the other.
I didn't GET to tell my ex-wife about some affairs I had for the same reason you described......it would re-open old wounds on her and really just help me feel better for getting it off my chest. While I don't walk around in shame over it....that stuff still kinda puts a ***** in my armor once and a while. I'd bet that if I told her I'D feel better.......but that's not what amends are all about - they're about the other person feeling better.
Talk to a sponsor, maybe even a priest (minister, rabbi, whatever) if you're comfortable with that. They deal with exactly this sort of thing, from a spiritual perspective, 1000's of times in their career.
....and in general, when I start looking for reasons to NOT make an amend, it's one that is reeeeeeally important TO make, yanno? That said, I've had to eat that one to my wife and it's not an absolute that you share everything with everyone.
This isn't in the book but....heh....it's a good litmus test for me. Take the two options....whichever one I "WANT" to do or whichever one I "HOPE IT IS," odds are.......do the other.
I didn't GET to tell my ex-wife about some affairs I had for the same reason you described......it would re-open old wounds on her and really just help me feel better for getting it off my chest. While I don't walk around in shame over it....that stuff still kinda puts a ***** in my armor once and a while. I'd bet that if I told her I'D feel better.......but that's not what amends are all about - they're about the other person feeling better.
Talk to a sponsor, maybe even a priest (minister, rabbi, whatever) if you're comfortable with that. They deal with exactly this sort of thing, from a spiritual perspective, 1000's of times in their career.
....and in general, when I start looking for reasons to NOT make an amend, it's one that is reeeeeeally important TO make, yanno? That said, I've had to eat that one to my wife and it's not an absolute that you share everything with everyone.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I don't have any experience with this but it comes up often.
My thoughts have always been that it's not fair to the spouse not to know the truth .... mainly because you're not giving them a real opportunity to decide if you're the right person to be with (even after 30 years). It's not fair to be married to someone you think you know and it turns out you really don't know them at all.
Yes, it would cause pain.....but I often wondered if people don't want to tell their spouse about it, not only because of the pain their spouse will go through, but they want to avoid the pain that they, themselves will have to go through. In the past, I would have done anything to avoid feeling pain.
Just my thoughts but I think DTs advice is great ..... talk to your sponsor, a priest, someone.....and pray, a lot.
My thoughts have always been that it's not fair to the spouse not to know the truth .... mainly because you're not giving them a real opportunity to decide if you're the right person to be with (even after 30 years). It's not fair to be married to someone you think you know and it turns out you really don't know them at all.
Yes, it would cause pain.....but I often wondered if people don't want to tell their spouse about it, not only because of the pain their spouse will go through, but they want to avoid the pain that they, themselves will have to go through. In the past, I would have done anything to avoid feeling pain.
Just my thoughts but I think DTs advice is great ..... talk to your sponsor, a priest, someone.....and pray, a lot.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by din 
Is this an absolute must?
I disagree a little bit, that you should tell the spouse, in all cases... unless, of course, you are willing to cause, endure, whatever, the pain of a broken marriage...
Proceed with the utmost caution and get worthy and thoughtful counsel, please... and if you want to stay married, stop the infidelity...
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
I am assuming you are a man
to tell her would be insanity at this point
she probally knows anyway but absolutely do not tell her
change the way you live is a good way to make amends to her,telling her is no amends,it is a confession
we may have screwed up by doing these things,but we can screw up futher by telling them about it,it amounts to rubbing their noses in it
I been in that situation,believe me
to tell her would be insanity at this point
she probally knows anyway but absolutely do not tell her
change the way you live is a good way to make amends to her,telling her is no amends,it is a confession
we may have screwed up by doing these things,but we can screw up futher by telling them about it,it amounts to rubbing their noses in it
I been in that situation,believe me
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
excuse my double post pls
I am assuming you are a man
to tell her would be insanity at this point
she probally knows anyway but absolutely do not tell her
change the way you live is the only way to make amends to her,telling her is no amends,it is a very dangerous confession
we may have screwed up by doing these things,but we can screw up futher by telling them about it,it amounts to rubbing their noses in it.Page 86-88 tells me a good thing to do concerning my amends....
to see what good I can pack into the stream of life for others...do that,and you will change the way you are living and provide a living amends to your spouse
I been in that situation,believe me it would do no good to say,I screwed your sister,cousin,those 2 gals at the local resturant,the bar tender,the girl at the checkout at walmarts,and a host of others
then she might want names,and then revenge,who knows
keep it simple and keep it in your pants
I am assuming you are a man
to tell her would be insanity at this point
she probally knows anyway but absolutely do not tell her
change the way you live is the only way to make amends to her,telling her is no amends,it is a very dangerous confession
we may have screwed up by doing these things,but we can screw up futher by telling them about it,it amounts to rubbing their noses in it.Page 86-88 tells me a good thing to do concerning my amends....
to see what good I can pack into the stream of life for others...do that,and you will change the way you are living and provide a living amends to your spouse
I been in that situation,believe me it would do no good to say,I screwed your sister,cousin,those 2 gals at the local resturant,the bar tender,the girl at the checkout at walmarts,and a host of others
then she might want names,and then revenge,who knows
keep it simple and keep it in your pants
~ still a believer ~
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 141
thank you
Thank you for all the responses.
I have already weighed the (dont do it out of my fear, and facing the music) thing in my head, and I am willing to do anything necessary to maintain my sobriety......including the pain I would endure of telling.
I have long since quit being unfaithful.......long before I quit drinking in fact
I am coming up on my 2 year anniversary, and I work my program VERY seriously..........
and probably for the first time, my spouse does realize what kind of a person they have been married to for 30 years..........an ALCOHOLIC!
but now,..............one who is aware of that fact
I will continue to pray on this as I have
thanks again!
I have already weighed the (dont do it out of my fear, and facing the music) thing in my head, and I am willing to do anything necessary to maintain my sobriety......including the pain I would endure of telling.
I have long since quit being unfaithful.......long before I quit drinking in fact
I am coming up on my 2 year anniversary, and I work my program VERY seriously..........
and probably for the first time, my spouse does realize what kind of a person they have been married to for 30 years..........an ALCOHOLIC!
but now,..............one who is aware of that fact
I will continue to pray on this as I have
thanks again!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: WI
Posts: 228
This is tricky, I was in this position, even in sobriety. I ended up disclosing to my wife the behavior I was doing-for a couple reasons.
1.) It wasn't that I had cheated once, but I had multiple times and carried it on behind her back. She was suspicious and not only did I break her trust by doing this, but I also broke her trust by denying that it was happening when she asked. This was not a drunken mistake that she had no clue about, and it certainly would be arrogant of me to me make some statement as to what she "knew".
2.) I am not "others". This absolutely could explode the relationship which would hurt me, but this is not about saving my ass. I had done a wrong(s) that hurt her and I needed to make it right.
3.) I was willing to do whatever she asked in order to make this right in HER eyes. This was important. I was not righting the situation on my own terms, I was surrendering to the solution that god gave me through her. If I am not willing to go to any lengths to make this right, then I have no business making this amend and needed to investigate why it was that I was unwilling.
This was one of the hardest, yet beneficial amends I have ever made. I suggest praying about it and meditating. Talk to people at fellowship and see what people think. For me it was almost evenly split whether or not I should, but I consistently came out of meditation with the answer being "do it" so that was the direction I went and never looked back.
1.) It wasn't that I had cheated once, but I had multiple times and carried it on behind her back. She was suspicious and not only did I break her trust by doing this, but I also broke her trust by denying that it was happening when she asked. This was not a drunken mistake that she had no clue about, and it certainly would be arrogant of me to me make some statement as to what she "knew".
2.) I am not "others". This absolutely could explode the relationship which would hurt me, but this is not about saving my ass. I had done a wrong(s) that hurt her and I needed to make it right.
3.) I was willing to do whatever she asked in order to make this right in HER eyes. This was important. I was not righting the situation on my own terms, I was surrendering to the solution that god gave me through her. If I am not willing to go to any lengths to make this right, then I have no business making this amend and needed to investigate why it was that I was unwilling.
This was one of the hardest, yet beneficial amends I have ever made. I suggest praying about it and meditating. Talk to people at fellowship and see what people think. For me it was almost evenly split whether or not I should, but I consistently came out of meditation with the answer being "do it" so that was the direction I went and never looked back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Din-
I hope you don't mind my post on this side of the forum. I am usually on the F/F side.
Though I have many loved ones that struggle with substances, my husband did too (or at least his use impacted me). He also had an affair. I had a number of body sensations when the affair started that something was wrong, but I could not put my finger on it.
We did not successfully manage the rollar coaster of relationship resolution, but I am grateful that I know about the affair. That does not take away the hurt or the emotions that go with it, but it is the truth and at least I get to chip away at my feelings toward that. I think by that I mean at least I feel congruent in the fact that now I can understand what was going on that I could not let my conscious know but my unconscious did.
I read many great books about affairs, and have found that 12 step work (in Al-anon) has helped me to heal from the use of alcohol in another but also in many areas of my life. Please let me know if you are interested in any of these titles (PM).
No one said recovery was for cowards. I am daily inspired by how much courage I see on this board.
I cannot speak for your wife,
I hope you don't mind my post on this side of the forum. I am usually on the F/F side.
Though I have many loved ones that struggle with substances, my husband did too (or at least his use impacted me). He also had an affair. I had a number of body sensations when the affair started that something was wrong, but I could not put my finger on it.
We did not successfully manage the rollar coaster of relationship resolution, but I am grateful that I know about the affair. That does not take away the hurt or the emotions that go with it, but it is the truth and at least I get to chip away at my feelings toward that. I think by that I mean at least I feel congruent in the fact that now I can understand what was going on that I could not let my conscious know but my unconscious did.
I read many great books about affairs, and have found that 12 step work (in Al-anon) has helped me to heal from the use of alcohol in another but also in many areas of my life. Please let me know if you are interested in any of these titles (PM).
No one said recovery was for cowards. I am daily inspired by how much courage I see on this board.
I cannot speak for your wife,
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
In a situation where making amends is also on a edge of creating new avoidable harms, I always choose to pay the price myself and those secrets remain mine and my higher power to live with without risking, imo, my sobriety by taking those secrets into the abyss of my alcoholism. Live and let live comes to mind.
Its a journey, not an event or destination. It is my responsibility to man up and shoulder my past. Amends can be made in ways that don't cause harm, and until those opportunities present themselves, respective of each situation, I keep my mouth shut.
About cheating, for instance, I would say the truth about fidelity failures, but I would not give details if they obviously create harms. The details don't matter, the breaking of trust is enough to make amends over. The real amends to be worked out is that an intimate trust was broken, and that for sure needs to be shared in the open, imo.
Any relationship that can't handle the simple truth of past infidelity, is a relationship that is already deeply flawed. Details are not required to make amends. They can certainly be provided if wanted to, but they are not required to live the program, make amends, be happily sober, get on with living.
In my divorce with my ex-wife, infidelity was just one of the realities between her and I. The relationship was broken before the cheating, and we both knew that to be sure, else the cheating would not have happened. We didn't care about the details, you know? What we did care about was the writing on the wall... and the elephant in the room when we tried to be intimate... we couldn't resolve and get past that we had ended up so far apart that cheating had traction in our relationship.
We were sober throughout our 22 years marraige, and through the divorce, and through are both being remarried. Both our new spouses have met each other, and we have dined together. We have a fellowship of civility and respect for each other. So, yeah, the amends have been real and as the program promises, life goes on even better than before.
Details? Not so much was that required, you know?
Each person has their own journey, and I would hate to think there is only one sure fire way to ride the amend train outta town. I think there is always at least three choices =>
1) Be a passenger
2) Be a conducter
3) Be the engineer
For me, being the engineer is where all the responsibility is happening. I get to choose now that I'm sober, just what defines "details".
Some others like to be told what to do, and still some others like to tell some others what to do, when making amends. Me, I like to tell myself and my higher power, what or what not to share, and be done with it.
Its a journey, not an event or destination. It is my responsibility to man up and shoulder my past. Amends can be made in ways that don't cause harm, and until those opportunities present themselves, respective of each situation, I keep my mouth shut.
About cheating, for instance, I would say the truth about fidelity failures, but I would not give details if they obviously create harms. The details don't matter, the breaking of trust is enough to make amends over. The real amends to be worked out is that an intimate trust was broken, and that for sure needs to be shared in the open, imo.
Any relationship that can't handle the simple truth of past infidelity, is a relationship that is already deeply flawed. Details are not required to make amends. They can certainly be provided if wanted to, but they are not required to live the program, make amends, be happily sober, get on with living.
In my divorce with my ex-wife, infidelity was just one of the realities between her and I. The relationship was broken before the cheating, and we both knew that to be sure, else the cheating would not have happened. We didn't care about the details, you know? What we did care about was the writing on the wall... and the elephant in the room when we tried to be intimate... we couldn't resolve and get past that we had ended up so far apart that cheating had traction in our relationship.
We were sober throughout our 22 years marraige, and through the divorce, and through are both being remarried. Both our new spouses have met each other, and we have dined together. We have a fellowship of civility and respect for each other. So, yeah, the amends have been real and as the program promises, life goes on even better than before.
Details? Not so much was that required, you know?
Each person has their own journey, and I would hate to think there is only one sure fire way to ride the amend train outta town. I think there is always at least three choices =>
1) Be a passenger
2) Be a conducter
3) Be the engineer
For me, being the engineer is where all the responsibility is happening. I get to choose now that I'm sober, just what defines "details".
Some others like to be told what to do, and still some others like to tell some others what to do, when making amends. Me, I like to tell myself and my higher power, what or what not to share, and be done with it.
El
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 10
Ah - "If only" I had read this last month (in February) when "I thought" that exposing more details was the right thing.
I cannot begin to write about the mess I made with my ex-husband when I tried to right the wrongs I made.
Lying and cheating - he knew all that! But I delved into more information than was necessary. Only "Self" moved me to help alleviate my guilt! Only "Self" was not happy that we had a cordial relationship after the marriage. My Ego and my thinking got in the way that I "knew what I was doing".
I cannot make amends for what I did (opened old wounds and destroyed any respect I earned). I've been praying for my ex and his family constantly for their happiness and for my God to remove my sadness and anger at myself for my actions.
I cannot begin to write about the mess I made with my ex-husband when I tried to right the wrongs I made.
Lying and cheating - he knew all that! But I delved into more information than was necessary. Only "Self" moved me to help alleviate my guilt! Only "Self" was not happy that we had a cordial relationship after the marriage. My Ego and my thinking got in the way that I "knew what I was doing".
I cannot make amends for what I did (opened old wounds and destroyed any respect I earned). I've been praying for my ex and his family constantly for their happiness and for my God to remove my sadness and anger at myself for my actions.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Novi, MI
Posts: 1
I too have been struggling with this one. I have just starting making my amends and that is one that I think would do more harm than good. All I can do is take suggestions and do what I think is right. My sponsor told me that is probably one that should be left alone. I really do still care for my ex and would not want to do anything to hurt her more than I already have.
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