2 steps forward 1 step back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
2 steps forward 1 step back
Hello all...relatively new to the boards but have been lurking around and reading for a few months now. For those of you who have gone through a separation/divorce I need some advice. I'll make is short and sweet.
I am a newly recovering opiate addict approx. 5 months clean. Working on step 3, talking to my sponsor daily, meetings etc. I know not to expect perfection but I can't help to feel I keep tripping on my own feet.
My wife left me 5 months ago with my 18 mo old daughter...where I finally hit rock bottom and sought help. I've been making significant progress. My wife (and myself) has identified herself as a codependent and has been seeking help through meetings. It has seemed to be much easier for her to detach than me. She is cold and bitter to me. While I am living day by day she is living in anger and digging deep in her past which is causing great anger and resentment towards me. I know she is talking to another man.
How do I let go? How do I detach and not let these anxious thoughts flow so freely? I've offered a truth zone where she can ask me anything and expect an honest answer...she has utilized it. However this is not a two way street and in no way is she wanting to do the same for me...fine. It's one of her boundaries I get it.
As much as I've had hope this relationship was going to work time has shown me that this "pretty future" of mine is slipping day by day. Time apart seems to be separating us further. I can not call or text for a few days at a time but then feel the need to reach out which only pushes her further away. I've been responsible as far as providing unofficial child support and paying bills. This past Thanksgiving I was caught trying to sign onto my separated wife's facebook to view her messages curious to see her relationship status with this other guy. I was at her mothers house which was already an awkward position for everyone. And I was caught by her mom on her computer. UGH! Now for whatever trust I was building back with her...is gone once again. What to do ? How I ask do I just let go.
I am a newly recovering opiate addict approx. 5 months clean. Working on step 3, talking to my sponsor daily, meetings etc. I know not to expect perfection but I can't help to feel I keep tripping on my own feet.
My wife left me 5 months ago with my 18 mo old daughter...where I finally hit rock bottom and sought help. I've been making significant progress. My wife (and myself) has identified herself as a codependent and has been seeking help through meetings. It has seemed to be much easier for her to detach than me. She is cold and bitter to me. While I am living day by day she is living in anger and digging deep in her past which is causing great anger and resentment towards me. I know she is talking to another man.
How do I let go? How do I detach and not let these anxious thoughts flow so freely? I've offered a truth zone where she can ask me anything and expect an honest answer...she has utilized it. However this is not a two way street and in no way is she wanting to do the same for me...fine. It's one of her boundaries I get it.
As much as I've had hope this relationship was going to work time has shown me that this "pretty future" of mine is slipping day by day. Time apart seems to be separating us further. I can not call or text for a few days at a time but then feel the need to reach out which only pushes her further away. I've been responsible as far as providing unofficial child support and paying bills. This past Thanksgiving I was caught trying to sign onto my separated wife's facebook to view her messages curious to see her relationship status with this other guy. I was at her mothers house which was already an awkward position for everyone. And I was caught by her mom on her computer. UGH! Now for whatever trust I was building back with her...is gone once again. What to do ? How I ask do I just let go.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Snowbdr04 
Hello all...relatively new to the boards but have been lurking around and reading for a few months now. For those of you who have gone through a separation/divorce I need some advice. I'll make is short and sweet.
I am a newly recovering opiate addict approx. 5 months clean. Working on step 3, talking to my sponsor daily, meetings etc. I know not to expect perfection but I can't help to feel I keep tripping on my own feet.
My wife left me 5 months ago with my 18 mo old daughter...where I finally hit rock bottom and sought help. I've been making significant progress. My wife (and myself) has identified herself as a codependent and has been seeking help through meetings. It has seemed to be much easier for her to detach than me. She is cold and bitter to me. While I am living day by day she is living in anger and digging deep in her past which is causing great anger and resentment towards me. I know she is talking to another man.
How do I let go? How do I detach and not let these anxious thoughts flow so freely? I've offered a truth zone where she can ask me anything and expect an honest answer...she has utilized it. However this is not a two way street and in no way is she wanting to do the same for me...fine. It's one of her boundaries I get it.
As much as I've had hope this relationship was going to work time has shown me that this "pretty future" of mine is slipping day by day. Time apart seems to be separating us further. I can not call or text for a few days at a time but then feel the need to reach out which only pushes her further away. I've been responsible as far as providing unofficial child support and paying bills. This past Thanksgiving I was caught trying to sign onto my separated wife's facebook to view her messages curious to see her relationship status with this other guy. I was at her mothers house which was already an awkward position for everyone. And I was caught by her mom on her computer. UGH! Now for whatever trust I was building back with her...is gone once again. What to do ? How I ask do I just let go.
I am a newly recovering opiate addict approx. 5 months clean. Working on step 3, talking to my sponsor daily, meetings etc. I know not to expect perfection but I can't help to feel I keep tripping on my own feet.
My wife left me 5 months ago with my 18 mo old daughter...where I finally hit rock bottom and sought help. I've been making significant progress. My wife (and myself) has identified herself as a codependent and has been seeking help through meetings. It has seemed to be much easier for her to detach than me. She is cold and bitter to me. While I am living day by day she is living in anger and digging deep in her past which is causing great anger and resentment towards me. I know she is talking to another man.
How do I let go? How do I detach and not let these anxious thoughts flow so freely? I've offered a truth zone where she can ask me anything and expect an honest answer...she has utilized it. However this is not a two way street and in no way is she wanting to do the same for me...fine. It's one of her boundaries I get it.
As much as I've had hope this relationship was going to work time has shown me that this "pretty future" of mine is slipping day by day. Time apart seems to be separating us further. I can not call or text for a few days at a time but then feel the need to reach out which only pushes her further away. I've been responsible as far as providing unofficial child support and paying bills. This past Thanksgiving I was caught trying to sign onto my separated wife's facebook to view her messages curious to see her relationship status with this other guy. I was at her mothers house which was already an awkward position for everyone. And I was caught by her mom on her computer. UGH! Now for whatever trust I was building back with her...is gone once again. What to do ? How I ask do I just let go.
If a relationship is over, it's over and there's little to nothing that will change that. The bright side is that ends signal new beginnings.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: South Milwaukee, WI.
Posts: 53
what I believe is everything happens for a reason, sometimes it takes awhile to figure what the pupose was , but I do eventually.
i feel really bad 4 u because it is hard enough to do this but u don`t want someone who might not want u @ this time( I know it hurts)but try to remeber God gives u only what u can handle and who knows what plans are in ur future. Just try and go w/ the flow and keep busy and stay in ur childs life..
We can`t work on everything right away, u r most important right now,and just don`t make any decisions for awhile..
Best of luck and if meant to be it will in time
i feel really bad 4 u because it is hard enough to do this but u don`t want someone who might not want u @ this time( I know it hurts)but try to remeber God gives u only what u can handle and who knows what plans are in ur future. Just try and go w/ the flow and keep busy and stay in ur childs life..
We can`t work on everything right away, u r most important right now,and just don`t make any decisions for awhile..
Best of luck and if meant to be it will in time
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: alabama
Posts: 1
I just found myself in almost exactly same situation. Wife was supportive then while in treatment separated, took my daughter(13 months) and moved me out of the house entirely and said goodbye. Just a month ago I was changing diapers and cooking family dinner...now I'm in a halfway house. Things are so difficult considering I'm starting to feel emotions for the first time in years...and they are very difficult ones to deal with. My sober community is very supportive and I am getting daily outpatient counseling plus going to meetings but it is still so fresh and painful and I'm using denial as a defense mechanism.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 242
Lost - Welcome to SR! I assume you are an Alabama lad. I am a GA girl.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things to stay sober. Unfortunately, we cannot control the actions of those we love and those around us - we can only control our own actions. This was a difficult lesson for me to learn and is often heart-breaking.
Feel free to start a thread of your own with your story. SR is a great community of kindred spirits who helped me stay sober and remain in recovery for over a year now . . from my opiate pill addiction.
Keep up the good work
Sounds like you are doing all the right things to stay sober. Unfortunately, we cannot control the actions of those we love and those around us - we can only control our own actions. This was a difficult lesson for me to learn and is often heart-breaking.
Feel free to start a thread of your own with your story. SR is a great community of kindred spirits who helped me stay sober and remain in recovery for over a year now . . from my opiate pill addiction.
Keep up the good work
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 67
Snow,
First of all, welcome. Glad you are posting & keep it up.
You didn't say how long you 2 have been together/married and how long you have been abusing drugs. It could be that she has A LOT of built up anger & resentment toward you because, let's face it, addicts do f&^%$d-up things to people they love. We lie to them, we forget imprtant things, we disappear, we are basically selfish, self-centered, suffering from "King-Baby" syndrome.
Then after we sober up & get a little time under our belts, we tend to get miffed when the people we've screwed over for years don't magically jump back into our arms & our lives.
Usually by the time a spouse leaves, there is a very good reason. She gave you all the time you took to use, now let her have all the time she needs to work through all her emotions, her anger, her fear, her sadness, etc. Trying to hold on to her will only push her farther away.SHE NEEDS TIME, DUDE! Give it to her. No calling, no texting, no FB, no nothing.
God has handed you a gift, which is alone time so YOU can work on YOU. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but this can be the most important time of your life.
Will she come back? I don't know. You don't know. But either way, in the meantime, you need to become the best you, you can be, at the very least, because you daughter NEEDS A SOBER DAD!
Blessings~~
First of all, welcome. Glad you are posting & keep it up.
You didn't say how long you 2 have been together/married and how long you have been abusing drugs. It could be that she has A LOT of built up anger & resentment toward you because, let's face it, addicts do f&^%$d-up things to people they love. We lie to them, we forget imprtant things, we disappear, we are basically selfish, self-centered, suffering from "King-Baby" syndrome.
Then after we sober up & get a little time under our belts, we tend to get miffed when the people we've screwed over for years don't magically jump back into our arms & our lives.
Usually by the time a spouse leaves, there is a very good reason. She gave you all the time you took to use, now let her have all the time she needs to work through all her emotions, her anger, her fear, her sadness, etc. Trying to hold on to her will only push her farther away.SHE NEEDS TIME, DUDE! Give it to her. No calling, no texting, no FB, no nothing.
God has handed you a gift, which is alone time so YOU can work on YOU. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but this can be the most important time of your life.
Will she come back? I don't know. You don't know. But either way, in the meantime, you need to become the best you, you can be, at the very least, because you daughter NEEDS A SOBER DAD!
Blessings~~
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I feel for you, I'm living my own version of this story.
There is nothing you can do to alter her feelings or behavior. Respect her space, as hard as that is, and focus on your recovery.
The same principles you use to "let go" of using, apply to letting go of the relationship. The obsessive thoughts will pass.
I've been separated nearly two years now. Had lots of time to think, feel and get honest. You might be surprised how YOU feel and see things with some clean time and fresh perspectives under your belt.
There is nothing you can do to alter her feelings or behavior. Respect her space, as hard as that is, and focus on your recovery.
The same principles you use to "let go" of using, apply to letting go of the relationship. The obsessive thoughts will pass.
I've been separated nearly two years now. Had lots of time to think, feel and get honest. You might be surprised how YOU feel and see things with some clean time and fresh perspectives under your belt.
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