Thank You
Jillian WannaBe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Western NC
Posts: 1
Thank You
I wasn't going to post here. I have been a lurker and had no intention whatsoever of attempting any connections other than an occasional quiet "thanks" for a post that resonated. However, as yesterday was Thanksgiving, I feel I should give credit where it's due. In my own experience, one of the most important and gratifying things one can feel in life is to know that he or she has made a difference.
You did. Today I am 9 days clean of opiates, in no small part due to this forum.
Discovery of SR was directed by God, relating to several absent-minded prayers during previous "Oh, sh*t, getting hungry, where am I going to get my next cookie?" moments. (Author's note: within my circle, personal code jargon was created in the event of interception or a lost cell phone, as 95% of all contact was via text messages. That said, a cookie is a pill and the name of the cookie is related to its potency, i.e., a 5mg hydrocone would be merely an oatmeal cookie, 10mg of any opiate a chocolate chip, on up to a 30mg oxycodone as a gourmet french pastry. The dealers were referred to as bakers and as such, would let me know when their next delivery of "baked goods" would be arriving or when they were having sales on overstock, etc. Seemed so clever at the time...now it's just embarrassing, but I'll stick to it as I relate the rest of this, up to the point of enlightenment.)
Without going into deep detail (as I am wont to do--ask me for the time and 8 out of 10 times, I will tell you how to build a clock), I had reached the point many addicts face at some time: out of cookies and all the bakers were waiting on shipments, which didn't really matter because I was also out of money. Calculated the time--five days until cash. Damn. Already stole too many chocolate chips from my disabled, 70-year-old mother this month to take any more. I know she needs them and addict or not, I still had a modicum of a conscience.
Crap. *Sigh* Okay, then. Buckle down. Four, maybe five days without cookies. Seriously hating this, but there's no real alternative.
Hm. I wonder if I'll go into any withdrawals..?
Nah, come on. I only take 30mgs a day, give or take, that's not enough for all that. (I accept and embrace the chuckles and head-shaking which might follow that foolish thought-statement).
Google "oxycodone". Read the medical literature wistfully, like reading old emails from a loved one who's away for a time, just to feel the reminiscent connection until he or she returns. Then the thought occurs: What exactly would the withdrawals feel like? In the 10 years I'd been slipping down this slimy opiate slope (Darvocet to Vicodin to oxycodone in any style available), I never really went through it but now I'm morbidly curious. And lying in bed with my laptop, bored and jonesing.
Add "withdrawal" to the Google subject. First link or two trying to sell me stuff. Oh, please. No real info there. Then...SoberRecovery? Ah, a support forum. Well, okay, gotta find something there. I was one of the moderators for a specialty forum several years back, I'm aware of the group dynamic involved and somebody's going to talk about the symptoms somewhere in there. Besides, it's the same base forum program, at least I'll know my way around.
Ah, yes, here it is. Substance Abuse subforum. "Kicking oxy". "XX days clean". "Oxycodone withdrawal". Bingo!
Settle in after checking the bedside pillcutter one..more...time...to see if I left any smidgens. Lick the belly of the receptacle under the cutting razor unashamedly for the dust. Glance at the empty pill bottles with frustration. And start reading.
Wow. Lots of hardcore stuff going on here. "Fock the ox..." Cute. Still feeling removed, though, these people are taking waaay more than I was. I'm just a minor leaguer. I'm good, right?
Wait, what..?
Whaddaya mean, "poison"? It's been doing *what* to my brain? And my liver? AND my CNS? 6 months to two years for my brain to heal? And I'm going to feel THAT BAD after a couple days? PAWS?????
***WTF????*** o.O!!!
As I devoured the threads relating to opiate addictions, struggles, withdrawals and subsequent recovery, I saw parts of myself mirrored in others. And I slowly began to despise the reflections. God, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, was opening my eyes to who...no, to what I'd become in the last 10 years. To the enablers I created within my family--my husband, my best friend, my son, his fiancee', my mother, my in-laws, ANYone who loved me and would willingly search for and drop cookies...no, DRUGS, dammit, they're DRUGS... into my ever-extended hands. I became a master liar, a thief and a manipulator. But even worse...I turned those I love, those who love me, into the same...damned...thing. I used their precious love to fking score.
In my horror, in my abject shame, and yes, in my terror, I found resolve I didn't know I had.
*********ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!**********
The withdrawal period was 5 days long, some of it similar to what I read, some very different, but I didn't just "get through" it. I welcomed it, I wanted it. That suffering was my own personal atonement for what I'd done. My support was here, and from my beloved husband and our best friend who resides with us. They are angels among men and I couldn't have made it without them.
I'm past the worst of it. I feed the mental need to take a pill with taking a multivitamin. Or ibuprofen when the physical pain is real enough. It's better now. I surprised myself by laughing again the other day. The fog I didn't even know was there has lifted, lets the sunshine through and my husband says it's like seeing a butterfly finally come out after being trapped in its cocoon. You see, I had begun taking opiates at the same time I met him. He's never really known me not on drugs. Neither has our friend, who only came into our lives a few years ago.
I hope they like the real me, since we'll all three be discovering her at the same time. They never knew her and I don't really remember her.
I don't know if I'll post again, I'm a notorious "hit and disappear" type, but I have to take this chance to say thank you to each and every one of you who shared their information and experiences. God gave me what I needed through you to stop trying to kill myself.
May He bless you all in the ways only He knows you need.
Thank you again for giving me back my life.
~ BlissJ
You did. Today I am 9 days clean of opiates, in no small part due to this forum.
Discovery of SR was directed by God, relating to several absent-minded prayers during previous "Oh, sh*t, getting hungry, where am I going to get my next cookie?" moments. (Author's note: within my circle, personal code jargon was created in the event of interception or a lost cell phone, as 95% of all contact was via text messages. That said, a cookie is a pill and the name of the cookie is related to its potency, i.e., a 5mg hydrocone would be merely an oatmeal cookie, 10mg of any opiate a chocolate chip, on up to a 30mg oxycodone as a gourmet french pastry. The dealers were referred to as bakers and as such, would let me know when their next delivery of "baked goods" would be arriving or when they were having sales on overstock, etc. Seemed so clever at the time...now it's just embarrassing, but I'll stick to it as I relate the rest of this, up to the point of enlightenment.)
Without going into deep detail (as I am wont to do--ask me for the time and 8 out of 10 times, I will tell you how to build a clock), I had reached the point many addicts face at some time: out of cookies and all the bakers were waiting on shipments, which didn't really matter because I was also out of money. Calculated the time--five days until cash. Damn. Already stole too many chocolate chips from my disabled, 70-year-old mother this month to take any more. I know she needs them and addict or not, I still had a modicum of a conscience.
Crap. *Sigh* Okay, then. Buckle down. Four, maybe five days without cookies. Seriously hating this, but there's no real alternative.
Hm. I wonder if I'll go into any withdrawals..?
Nah, come on. I only take 30mgs a day, give or take, that's not enough for all that. (I accept and embrace the chuckles and head-shaking which might follow that foolish thought-statement).
Google "oxycodone". Read the medical literature wistfully, like reading old emails from a loved one who's away for a time, just to feel the reminiscent connection until he or she returns. Then the thought occurs: What exactly would the withdrawals feel like? In the 10 years I'd been slipping down this slimy opiate slope (Darvocet to Vicodin to oxycodone in any style available), I never really went through it but now I'm morbidly curious. And lying in bed with my laptop, bored and jonesing.
Add "withdrawal" to the Google subject. First link or two trying to sell me stuff. Oh, please. No real info there. Then...SoberRecovery? Ah, a support forum. Well, okay, gotta find something there. I was one of the moderators for a specialty forum several years back, I'm aware of the group dynamic involved and somebody's going to talk about the symptoms somewhere in there. Besides, it's the same base forum program, at least I'll know my way around.
Ah, yes, here it is. Substance Abuse subforum. "Kicking oxy". "XX days clean". "Oxycodone withdrawal". Bingo!
Settle in after checking the bedside pillcutter one..more...time...to see if I left any smidgens. Lick the belly of the receptacle under the cutting razor unashamedly for the dust. Glance at the empty pill bottles with frustration. And start reading.
Wow. Lots of hardcore stuff going on here. "Fock the ox..." Cute. Still feeling removed, though, these people are taking waaay more than I was. I'm just a minor leaguer. I'm good, right?
Wait, what..?
Whaddaya mean, "poison"? It's been doing *what* to my brain? And my liver? AND my CNS? 6 months to two years for my brain to heal? And I'm going to feel THAT BAD after a couple days? PAWS?????
***WTF????*** o.O!!!
As I devoured the threads relating to opiate addictions, struggles, withdrawals and subsequent recovery, I saw parts of myself mirrored in others. And I slowly began to despise the reflections. God, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, was opening my eyes to who...no, to what I'd become in the last 10 years. To the enablers I created within my family--my husband, my best friend, my son, his fiancee', my mother, my in-laws, ANYone who loved me and would willingly search for and drop cookies...no, DRUGS, dammit, they're DRUGS... into my ever-extended hands. I became a master liar, a thief and a manipulator. But even worse...I turned those I love, those who love me, into the same...damned...thing. I used their precious love to fking score.
In my horror, in my abject shame, and yes, in my terror, I found resolve I didn't know I had.
*********ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!**********
The withdrawal period was 5 days long, some of it similar to what I read, some very different, but I didn't just "get through" it. I welcomed it, I wanted it. That suffering was my own personal atonement for what I'd done. My support was here, and from my beloved husband and our best friend who resides with us. They are angels among men and I couldn't have made it without them.
I'm past the worst of it. I feed the mental need to take a pill with taking a multivitamin. Or ibuprofen when the physical pain is real enough. It's better now. I surprised myself by laughing again the other day. The fog I didn't even know was there has lifted, lets the sunshine through and my husband says it's like seeing a butterfly finally come out after being trapped in its cocoon. You see, I had begun taking opiates at the same time I met him. He's never really known me not on drugs. Neither has our friend, who only came into our lives a few years ago.
I hope they like the real me, since we'll all three be discovering her at the same time. They never knew her and I don't really remember her.
I don't know if I'll post again, I'm a notorious "hit and disappear" type, but I have to take this chance to say thank you to each and every one of you who shared their information and experiences. God gave me what I needed through you to stop trying to kill myself.
May He bless you all in the ways only He knows you need.
Thank you again for giving me back my life.
~ BlissJ
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Bliss))) - thank YOU!
It's all the people here that make SR so special..whether first day or 20+ years in recovery, someone gets what we're going through.
Congrats on 9 days!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It's all the people here that make SR so special..whether first day or 20+ years in recovery, someone gets what we're going through.Congrats on 9 days!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
Best post ever, we have a lot in common!!! I am on day 8 today. So nice to hear my laugh again!! Even better to not have that constant high and low feeling. Hugh and content when I had pills, low and paranoid when I was almost out. The cycle took up so much of my energy, energy which I now have to spend with my family. Thank you Bliss!!
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