reality lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
reality lost
hello everyone,
i am back again to post here and bother everyone with my addiction questions.
i am thinking about my husband who uses cocaine (from what i knew before i left and whatever else that i don't know about) and it is very difficult for me to deal w/ his denial. i have read a lot about addiction and cocaine and read many posts, but still have no understanding of how a person can completely block out reality as if it were not happening. i know that he has to protect his addiction and maintain it despite everything else. i understand that his drugs come first and try not to take it personally on most days.
a bit about myself. been married for almost 6 yrs. did not know that he was using anything but pot up until about 3 yrs ago (the use of course was minimized by him) and finally left 8 months ago w/ our 2 kids. just gave birth to our 3rd child and still wondering.
i would like to be able to maintain contact w/ him, but as of right now i do not return his calls or texts. i am not sure how to handle his complete refusal to acknowledge any problems that are due to his addiction and yet we (his family) have been gone for so long. i am afraid that if i maintain contact w/ him that i would just be feeding into his denial. also, i feel that i would be helping him not hit the bottom. not sure any more.
i was wondering if you guys had any input on the topic of denial. thank you all for taking the time to reply. hugs and prayers.
i am back again to post here and bother everyone with my addiction questions.
i am thinking about my husband who uses cocaine (from what i knew before i left and whatever else that i don't know about) and it is very difficult for me to deal w/ his denial. i have read a lot about addiction and cocaine and read many posts, but still have no understanding of how a person can completely block out reality as if it were not happening. i know that he has to protect his addiction and maintain it despite everything else. i understand that his drugs come first and try not to take it personally on most days.
a bit about myself. been married for almost 6 yrs. did not know that he was using anything but pot up until about 3 yrs ago (the use of course was minimized by him) and finally left 8 months ago w/ our 2 kids. just gave birth to our 3rd child and still wondering.
i would like to be able to maintain contact w/ him, but as of right now i do not return his calls or texts. i am not sure how to handle his complete refusal to acknowledge any problems that are due to his addiction and yet we (his family) have been gone for so long. i am afraid that if i maintain contact w/ him that i would just be feeding into his denial. also, i feel that i would be helping him not hit the bottom. not sure any more.
i was wondering if you guys had any input on the topic of denial. thank you all for taking the time to reply. hugs and prayers.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Some of us are very good at denial.
The only thing that ever 'woke me up' was an internal self realisation - lots of people tried over the years but noone could ever 'make' me see what I was doing until I saw it one day myself.
I think if a position of no contact has made no difference - and the birth of a baby hasn't either - that says something about your husbands priorities right now and I think you need to keep that in mind.
If NC has been good for you and your family, then why not continue it, pacificsunrise?
D
The only thing that ever 'woke me up' was an internal self realisation - lots of people tried over the years but noone could ever 'make' me see what I was doing until I saw it one day myself.
I think if a position of no contact has made no difference - and the birth of a baby hasn't either - that says something about your husbands priorities right now and I think you need to keep that in mind.
If NC has been good for you and your family, then why not continue it, pacificsunrise?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((PS))) - it's impossible (IMO) for someone who is not an addict to ever understand how an A can be in denial. Heck, I'm an RA and I still shook my head at XABF#3's denial.
Cocaine, or any other addictive substance just takes over your brain. It's all you can think about...I often said "my DOC is MORE". When I was using, I actually realized all the wrong things I was doing, but the overwhelming desire for crack won out. I was mostly NC with my family, and it didn't phase me. When I came down long enough to realize how much I was hurting them, I just got high again to forget it.
Denial is a powerful thing. We codies do it, too. With his latest actions, I would maintain NC. Talking to my ex just made my head spin, made me anxious and depressed. This coming from an RA. His actions have hurt you, confused you, and yet he really doesn't give a damn. Sorry that's harsh, but it's what I experienced.
There may come a time when you two can talk. I just don't think it's right now.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Cocaine, or any other addictive substance just takes over your brain. It's all you can think about...I often said "my DOC is MORE". When I was using, I actually realized all the wrong things I was doing, but the overwhelming desire for crack won out. I was mostly NC with my family, and it didn't phase me. When I came down long enough to realize how much I was hurting them, I just got high again to forget it.
Denial is a powerful thing. We codies do it, too. With his latest actions, I would maintain NC. Talking to my ex just made my head spin, made me anxious and depressed. This coming from an RA. His actions have hurt you, confused you, and yet he really doesn't give a damn. Sorry that's harsh, but it's what I experienced.
There may come a time when you two can talk. I just don't think it's right now.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Pennsylvania USA
Posts: 37
Denial is one of the hardest things to overcome. my denial came in the form of overrationalization, i could logically explain every behavior away to such a degree that i never had to look inside myself to ask why. i already knew why i used cocaine because, they made me work doubles at work, because my wife and i were fighting, i didnt do these things i was reacting to the bad hand life was giving me, of course everything was just excuses for me to continue useing,i prolly wouldn't have had to work doubles if i wasn't buying all the coke,, the wife wouldn't be mad if i had come home when i said i was going to. and of course i didnt use that much anyway, my dealer just said the other day he hadn't seen me in a few days.quitting drugs to me back then was like picking a life of celebacy..why on earth would you choose that, just didnt make sence to me. until i spiraled out of control i was unable to see what i was doing to myself and others, sorry i dont have a better answer for you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Beach Town, Cali
Posts: 74
I agree mostly what with the others have already posted. I don't think it would have been possible for anyone to get me to stop (even though nobody tried because I hid it well and seemed very functional), but regardless if they tried I may have just hid and doubled my dose. He is most likely going to have to come to the realization himself... Obviously this is not absolute but I think it's true more often than not...Regardless I wish the very best for you and your kids, as well as him, addiction is an abyss that can be hard to escape.
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