SecretLife1111

In a self induced haze, I came across this site. I'm still unsure if I'm excited to be sharing or scared ******** of the embarrassment & consequences of my actions. I have no one to talk to. I have been on painkillers & muscle relaxers for as long as I can remember due to an injury in my early teens. I am now 24. In the past year has been where I found myself unable to control my will power against this "evil". I do have legitimate reason for needing my medications. But I also realize that I am abusing them now. & it scares me. I often wonder if the drugs "make me". Or if I'm choosing to go on this downhill battle. I am prescribed to lortab 5-500. Some days I can take only 3 to get me by, other days I take 15. I have googled relentlessly to figure out what is going on. I am unclear if I AM an addict, or simply dependent on the drugs. I have tried everything for pain management. Pain killers, muscle relaxers, shots, lidocaine patches, chiropractic care, massage therapy, physical therapy, heat, cold, etc. But it all boils down to the fact that 1.its only $4 for my monthly prescription 2.it works 3.its easy for me to get my refills 4.i cannot afford the other options anymore. I'm sorry this is a bunch of rambling, i just have so much to blurt out because I have no one I can tell or talk to. I am a mother & a wife. My husband is aware of my pain & my medications. But like I said, in the past year I have found myself being unable to happily function without that precious happy white pill the second that I wake up. It takes away all my pain. It makes me happy. It makes me able to freely play with my daughter. I am able to work & stand on my feet without going to the bathroom & crying out loud due to pain. I am so lost. I have so much to lose. I don't WANT to be an addict, but I don't want to give up this medication & be in constant pain & miserable. I am taking a 30 day supply, in the matter of 8-14 days. & the other un medicated days, I suffer through. I cry. I am in pain. I am irritable. I yell. I count down the days till I can refill my prescription. I need someone to talk to. Someone who has been in my shoes or someone who is right where I'm at. Someone unbiased. Someone to tell me I am NOT a horrible person, wife, mother. I have so much more to say. But I am at work. It feels so good to let this all out. Even if no one responds, it was a release for me. Maybe some reflection. I fear someone (mainly my husband or a friend) will find this link on my phone. Or somehow it will be linked to my facebook & my suffering will be shared for the world to see. I fear the embarrassment & consequences. Someone, anyone, please help.

Impurrfect

(((SecretLife))) - welcome to SR!! As to whether you're an addict, that's really something only you can determine. As far as not WANTING to be an addict, I definitely understand and I'm many others do.

You're not a horrible person. I, personally, did some pretty horrible stuff when I was using (my DOC - drug of choice) was crack, but that doesn't mean I'M horrible..you neither.

What helped me, a lot, when I first got here was reading through other posts. Though people may have different DOCs, I found out I wasn't alone and this isn't a site where people judge. It's people sharing their ES&H (experience, strength and hope) and, at least from my perspective, it's a safe place to talk about stuff we don't want to talk to others about.

Keep reading and posting. There is also a forum for people with chronic pain (sorry - don't have the link and would have to type this all over again as I'm somewhat of a techno-idiot) but you may want to check that out, too.

You took a big step in coming here, and that's pretty cool. Keep reading and posting, we're here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Adict

Hi, keep coming back and reading and posting and don't be too hard on yourself if you are really honest with yourself deep down only you will know if you are an addict, and once you accept that it starts to get easier a tiny step at a time, there is a wonderful programme of recovery from addiction and pain so please keep coming back.
welcomewelcome

RubyRose

Hi SecretLife Welcome. I felt that same shame and guilt and I know exactly what you are saying. My drug use was oxycontin but started with lesser pain meds many, many years before. I had my big wake-up call when my Mom had a heart attack. My very first thought was not about my Mom, it was "I hope I have enough pills to last me through this" I was just mortified at myself!!

One of the best things that coming to this site did was let me realize that I was an addict and NOT the horrible bad person I was feeling I was. I went to my Dr. and told him I was an addict and I needed help to stop. This was the very same Dr. who had been prescribing for me for many years. We talked about my pain, or I should say for me it was lack of it. It had been so long I couldn't even remember what pain I had had!!

With his help I did stop, cold turkey. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. It's been over 2 years now and without any narcotic in my system for no reason, amazingly Advil Liqui-Gels work just fine.

In my case I didn't have any real chronic pain (I was prescribed after a surgery) but there are many people here who have and do. No one is a bad person or a bad Mom or a bad Dad. We are all addicts in some shape or form. And we are all working in many different ways to get help, get clean and stay clean.

There are so many kind, caring people here, in all stages of addiction and recovery and from all walks of life. And we all care about each other and are there for each other. Pull up a chair and stay awhile. OK?

...Ruby...

lorilou1

SecretLife1111,
everyone is right, only you know if your an addict, but w/ my past experience it sounded like yours w/ the waking up and taking pills to get through the day..
I just kept getting worse and lost soo much in my life, I am 51 and had been doing drugs for 20 years,tried 3 times to get off, and finally this time it is working.
Today I am 1 month clean, but I have a long way to go yet.
I just want everyone to realise if we don`t stop i did end up in institutions, jail but not death because I got help.
I know how hard this is, but you are worth it!!!
Please try to get off htose things they are evil and will just ruin your life and family..
sorry if I am a little hard but i really do care about you and want the best for you!!
Continue to read other peoples thoughts and advice it helped me.
Good Luck and you are a beautiful person and NEVER forget it...

FT

Hi SecretLife,

Hey, you are NOT a horrible person, wife, mother! I think you can tell by the posts you've received in response so far that you are VERY welcome here.

The SR forum is quite a diverse group of people from ALL walks of life, many of us mothers and wives who never thought they would be in the position of fighting addiction. I know that is true of me. Before it did, I thought addiction only happened to "those" people who had no self control. Ha!

Whatever got you there, it doesn't matter now. Addiction does not care WHO you are, and opiates don't care WHOSE receptor sites they occupy. And once they do, quite a few of us were hooked before we knew what hit us.

This is a great place to come to vent, which in and of itself is therapeutic, but also to hear stories just like yours to tell you that you are not alone.

If you want to get off opiates, you don't have to face a life of pain and misery. You feel even more pain than "normal" on your unmedicated days because you are accustomed to having the drug in your system, and opiates hypersensitize you so that your pain is felt more acutely than if you weren't taking them. It's a vicious cycle, and it's part of addiction.

I was horribly fearful of what was going to happen when I quit opiates. I was on them for severe osteoarthritis so bad I could not walk, and then after double orthopedic surgery to have both knees replaced, I was on even higher doses to deal with surgery on somebody who was no longer opiate "naive". It took another year after that to get off.

What I have found, because I still have severe osteoarthritis despite having two nice titanium knees, is that my pain threshold has improved tremendously off opiates. On opiates, I couldn't stand the slightest discomfort of any kind. Things that I would never take pain pills for in the past were so acutely painful, I couldn't dose myself fast enough.

It doesn't stay that way. Yes, I was miserable in withdrawal for a few weeks, and yes it took a few months to feel human again. But it can be done. And I can tell you that my life is so much better now off opiates.

Pain management has changed a lot in the past few years, and there is more to it than just being prescribed opiates, if you are at a good clinic. Don't fear going off. There are ways to manage your pain with a good doctor and not be an addict at the same time.

So, welcome here, and we're so glad to share our stories with you. Now we'd like to hear a lot more from you.

FT

FT

Hi Lorilou:

Congratulations on being opiate free for a month! Yes, you still have a long way to go, but this is HUGE!

Opiates were on the way towards ruining my life, and quitting was hard but necessary. Anyone coming here to figure out if this can be done -- hey, here you go. It can be done, and yours is a good example.

Tell us more, share where you can, your input is highly valuable!

FT

skinnywater

Well I can tell you it can be done also. I had surgery for a really messed up neck and like you started taking pain pills a little at a time. Sure enough what I was suppose to take wouldn't fix the " pain ". Well 10 days off the pills and I haven't felt this good in a long time. Yes the pain in my neck is still there and I honstly think I can deal with it and learn to live a life free from the pills. It is so freeing not waking up and counting pills and trying to figure out if I have enough to go see my daughters game on tuesday. I hated that and finally said enough. It sucked for a little while but you have to go through some pain to get to the good side. And the good side is really nice.

krug

It's a good site. Lots of information here, a great place to learn, vent, "listen", etc. Not many "predators" like some sites. Keep talking and reading and learning.

SecretLife1111

Thank you all for your words of wisdom & kindness. It's really appreciated knowing someone else is going through the same thing. I ran out of meds last night & have no hopes of refills till the 27th. & now the real problems begin. On top of withdrawal symptoms, including pain & irritability, lies my actual pain. I just have no self control when that bottle is filled. I think to myself "why not take another & feel AMAZING?? You have an entire bottle left" and surely, within a week, that bottle is gone. I forget & lose track of when I took the last pill. I put 5 in my pants pocket while @ work so I won't have to dig through my purse & allow my co workers to hear that musical bottle alerting everyone of what I'm doing. This morning I feel kind of hung over. My back hurts SO bad. Not to mention I have a cold. thanks for the replies. I'll try to keep coming back.

FT

Hi SecretLife,

Even though it was pain that got me on oxys, it was not really pain that kept me on them. Oh, I was convinced it was "actual pain" with me, just like you are probably thinking. It sure feels like pain. Hell, it IS pain. But, like I said above, pain is enhanced by opiate use in a vicious cycle of escalating drug/escalating pain.

In fact, I actually grew to want pain while I was using. No, I don't enjoy pain. But if I was in "actual pain", then I could get my drug, without having to lie. I've talked to many addicts who feel the same way. I didn't even care if I was in pain if I could use. If my pain went away, I could no longer use. Something real called "hyperalgesia" actually does occur to increase pain, and the opiates actually cause it. But I didn't care. I just wanted my drug.

The pill counting you are doing drove me mad. It is very common you know. I used to "steal" from my own drug supply, figuring I would deal with not having enough pills later on. TODAY was what counted, and "today" I would justify taking extra pills. I always ran myself dry before it was time for a new script, and EVERY TIME I went back to get one, I was sick with withdrawal and I would ALWAYS wait in the pharmacy for the refill, usually taking several pills in my car and sitting there waiting for them to take effect before I would drive the rest of the way home.

If you are sick of the pill counting, dope sickness between refills, constant thoughts of your next dose that never comes soon enough, maybe you're ready to stop. Maybe not. It took months and months of "wanting" to quit, trying to taper off, running in that hamster cage of doctor and pharmacy visits, before I finally had enough and just up and quit.

Keep coming here and reading. Post as much as you can. Try to get a handle on why you are really using opiates. If you are honest with yourself, the pain is secondary, or it is with most of us. I can say with all honesty that, yes, I am in a lot of pain off opiates, but it is no longer exquisite pain. There are a lot of definitions to that, some paradoxical, and they are by and large true for the addict.


Hey, I'm a middle aged woman whom no one would ever suspect could get addicted. Ha! Think again. Life addicted is hell. There is a way to get out.

FT

FT

SecretLife,

In answer to your question on the other thread. The post on that thread could be plagiarizing yours because the poster doesn't know how to ask for help. Or, could be a stalker. Ignore it. I doubt it's personal.

FT

Lily

FT, I have never seen this before written out like that and the word hyperalgesia, but I know this to be 100% true in my case!!! I would quit all the opiates and my pain would diminish after a few days, or week or so, and I would feel amazing and if it cropped back up, I could take an advil and it would work!!