ACA & Procrastination

Old 11-04-2011, 06:23 AM
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dbh
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ACA & Procrastination

One thing that I find very frustrating with myself is that I'm a procrastinator.

Not sure if it's an ACA trait or a personality trait. However, it's preventing me from achieving the life that I want.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home doesn't really teach you good "life skills". I learned to be obsessed with other people, to avoid being seen, to be super sensitive to the needs of others, etc. We didn't spend much time talking/thinking about long-term goals and breaking down big tasks into small achievable steps. In our house we sort of just addressed each crisis as it occurred and I find myself still doing that.

As a child I also liked to live in my own head. I would get lost in books and movies. I spent a lot of time daydreaming about the family/home I wished I had.

Now I'm an adult with my own family and I actually have control (to some extend) to the family life I'm creating here. Yet, I still daydream. I have a LONG list of everything I want to do but I have such a hard time following through.

Before recovery, some of my drive came from what I thought others thought of me. Now that I'm worrying less about others, I need to find another source of motivation.

Is procrastination and difficulty setting/achieving goals an ACA trait?

I'm almost 50 and I'm worried that it's too late for me to change.

Thanks for letting me share.

db
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Old 11-04-2011, 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted by dbh View Post
I'm almost 50 and I'm worried that it's too late for me to change.
I could have written most of that! Looking back at my life so far, I think, hey, wait a minute -- I'm 48, I should be further along by now!" I'm not sure if it's an ACA thing, an ADD thing (a condition I have finally been officially diagnosed with, by my pdoc -- although it's been bugging me for upwards of 30 years), or what.

My wife and I have been in our apartment for 5 years, yet there are boxes that are still not unpacked. I have big ideas about getting all sorts of stuff done, but I'm lucky if 10% of it happens, on a given day (that is, year). I find it hard to get focused, stay focused, and so on.

What's important, though, is not to fall into where you're beating yourself up about it all the time. I get this newsletter from a housekeeping guru who has sort of a recovery program for your house. One of her favorite sayings is, "You are not behind -- just jump in wherever you are!" If the kitchen needs cleaning, okay -- do the dishes, wipe up the floor, and get that done. Don't look at the messy kitchen and go into a spiral: "Look at this kitchen... it's a mess... just like the living room, which I was supposed to tidy up but didn't... you can hardly find the floor in there! And what about that pile of laundry -- why is it always on the couch instead of put away? WHY ARE THESE BOXES STILL NOT UNPACKED after five years?" (That's roughly the spiral I tend to get into, if I don't catch myself.)

Bottom line: you are not behind. Do the next right thing, check it off the list, and... something's checked off the list! I think this procrastination/disorganization thing is just an aspect of my personality -- a laundry-list trait, if you will -- and getting rid of it may be impossible, but I can "integrate" it, as the ACA book talks about... not sure exactly what that means, but some of it involves finding workarounds, accepting a certain amount of disorder, and reminding myself that although I think I'm somehow "behind" where I thought I'd be at 48, self-flagellation is not the best way to handle it!

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Old 11-04-2011, 09:08 AM
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I am starting to learn about myself that I need a lot of time to stop doing and be a being.

I overextend myself through doing and as a result I don't actual just be....then it really looks like procrastination (and sometimes it is), but sometimes it truly is that I just cannot keep that many items juggled.

Either way as I have gotten further in recovery I have gotten better about all of it, I bet you are too.
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Old 11-04-2011, 10:01 AM
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This is very interesting to me right now. You said how you addressed crisis and that resonated with me. I spent so much of my life handling my parent's crisis and my siblings crisis and my nephews and nieces crisis, then my daughter's crisis. In between that all I craved was peace and quiet. No phone ringing meant no crisis.

I have all the time in the world now to do all the things I too have been dreaming about, more artwork, take classes, work on my own house instead of others.

But what do I do? Nothing. It's very frustrating to just keep thinking of doing the same things every night and getting up and doing nothing everyday. -not that you are doing nothing, but I am right now.

So I am getting my fill of calm right now and actually I am to the point where I am loving it. I just worry tho that I won't be able to stop it and start doing the things I need to do. I alternate between loving the calm and feeling guilty for not making myself do the things I dream of doing. It's very much a fight for calm vs doing. Even doing the bare minimums like cooking, making the bed, or laundry is feeling like an intrusion to my calm. I used to also live in my head and love reading but I can't do it now, it feels like an intrusion as well.

If I get a call from a nephew or my daughter, I am right there to help and will switch out my plans to help out. It's my conditioning I guess, part of my loves it and I jump in and fix things. But give me a couple days of calm and I'm into it. I keep wondering if I will become a hermit once it starts snowing using that as an excuse to stay in --and do nothing! I hope I get over it soon but right now I am just enjoying my guilty pleasure.
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Old 11-04-2011, 05:10 PM
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My therapist reminds me that fatigue, "doing nothing" etc is sometimes really healing....and something I have not gotten enough of in my life.

I have made a deal with her. If she is concerned that I am extending this part of myself too long or "too much" she will tell me. Until then I am not going to ruin my perfectly good, healing "being" time until then.

It helps to give that "responsibility" to someone else.
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Old 11-05-2011, 05:44 AM
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dbh: sometimes procrastination is procrastination. Sometimes it's your psyche's way of saying you need a break and simply can't do anymore.

My MIL is one of the most wonderful women I've ever met. She lives in the woods and her house is always dirty. I learned from her that a dirty house is not the end of the world. Neither is a messy desk. Neither is an unkempt yard. Her house isn't unhygenic - no one's going to get sick from a little dirt.

I use this as an analogy. I'm not sure what it is you're procrastinating, but I've grew up where everything was of equal importance. A clean bathroom was just as important as filing taxes. I am just now learning how to balance priorities.

With my dad in jail currently, and my mom needing all the help I can give her, and my job sucking up 60 - 80 hours/week, I don't have much extra time - not even to procrastinate. But I've also started dropping things that I used to think were "critical". House doesn't get vacuumed? Oh well, no one's going to get sick from it. But the dishes get done because someone will. I have a pile of filing on my desk that's on the verge of an avalanche. Guess what? It will still be there waiting for me next week. But the bills get paid religiously. I haven't dusted in months. But the garbage gets taken out.

Perhaps you're being overwhelmed not because you're procrastinating, but because you're placing equal weight on all tasks on your to-do list. Or perhaps your placing equal weight on all things is overwhelming and therefore you procrastinate because you don't even know where to begin. I'm not entirely certain about the mechanics of the why's.

I know for me, I sat down and started prioritizing. Anything that will make me sick or get me in legal trouble? That MUST get done. Dishes, bills, garbage. That's it. Three tasks per week. Anything that will result in poor health for my critters who are unable to take care of themselves? That's a priority. Critters get fed and cared for daily. One more task. Since I'm taking care of my mom's household, paying her bills is a priority. Since I get paid to manage things, running my department is a priority.

The rest? The dust, the dirt on the floor, the filing, heck, even laundry can go a lot longer without being washed than I used to think it could. The bathroom doesn't get cleaned weekly anymore - it gets cleaned when it's dirty enough to make me not want to use it. Kind of icky, but hey, if it's clean enough to use, and it's hygienic enough to use, why clean it? One more thing off the list. The yard? Choked with weeds right now. Mother Nature can deal with that. I'll worry about it later.

I suppose I procrastinate my procrastination. And don't undervalue the importance of just sitting and "being." I frequently show up to appointments 15 minutes early so I can sit in my car and not have anyone bothering me. I take that time to just be. It helps me get back on track and sort out the 'necessaries' from the 'would be nice, but's.

It also helps to be loving to yourself. The more you beat yourself up for procrastinating, the more likely you are to procrastinate. Accept that you will procrastinate, and the likelihood is that you'll stop feeling so much of a failure and start getting more things done. Not ALL the things, but more things.

This is a humour piece, but it kind of sums up the spiral of being harsh on yourself: Hyperbole and a Half: This is Why I'll Never be an Adult (sorry mods, I can never remember the rules on links - if you don't like it, I can give directions on how to find it) But it's true. We don't get an award for being an adult. No one has ever commented on my house not being pristine, and I'm guessing most folks don't notice. Those that do notice have the decency to not say anything.

I find that a few hours of being left alone and not doing anything can be wonderful for my ability to get things done. I get burned out on "doing things", then can't find the energy. it's not so much procrastination as exhaustion.
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Old 11-05-2011, 05:11 PM
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I like you, was raised in a dysfunctional family, to put it mildly.

Me, I am the opposite, I handle everything, like now. Must be done, must be addressed
without any dilly dallying around.

We children of alcoholics/addicts usually tend to be people of extreme behaviors.

I am 64 years old and am attempting to curtail my aggressiveness, to sit back and let the
papers pile up, not jump up immediately after eating and load the diswasher and so on.

Honestly, I need to take time to smell the roses before I kick the bucket, I need to learn how to procrastinate, it is in my best interest to do so, I keep telling myself "Dolly, balance, life is all about balance, you can do this...Rome wasn't built in a day...relax."

I'll keep you posted on my progress, however, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting, I may never accomplish my goal!

Thanks for sharing..I do understand!
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Old 11-07-2011, 02:43 PM
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Everyone thanks so much for sharing...as a young ACoA, I am starting down the path of recovery, wondering if this is something that I will be overwhelmed with my entire life. Hearing everyone's stories gives me hope, and reminds me to take it one day at a time. I'm always taking on too much and setting myself up to fail or procrastinate...LifeRecovery has some great advice from her therapist!

"My therapist reminds me that fatigue, "doing nothing" etc is sometimes really healing....and something I have not gotten enough of in my life.

I have made a deal with her. If she is concerned that I am extending this part of myself too long or "too much" she will tell me. Until then I am not going to ruin my perfectly good, healing "being" time until then.

It helps to give that "responsibility" to someone else."

I hope one day to learn how to "just be" at least for a little while.
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Old 11-29-2011, 07:45 AM
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I know this feeling all too well. I have been this way as long as I can remember. I can remember sitting in school and just day dreaming the day away. For me day dreaming and sleeping are my ways of escaping reality. I want to do so many things, but I just don't do them. I will get all fired up about something and then when it's time to do it I say "I think I need a nap first." Which of course leads to sleeping for a few hours and waking up with no motivation. I never have figured out why i don't just do things I know need to be done. I'm not lazy I work full time and have had a job since I was 10 years old. Hopefully as I start to heal from of this mess I will learn to change.
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