Benjaminn

Hello everyone, My name is Ben and I am embarking on possibly the most difficult journey I will ever face to recovery. I just shot my last bag of dope(Of course I missed!) and so 24 hours from now I will begin to withdraw and fight through the mental and physical pain that opiate dependance will cause. I am extremely anxious and excited in a way to defeat this demon that's been growing inside me for years now. I fed my addiction its pills and heroin and enabled it to transform into something that I fear on a daily basis and which never ceases to remind me that it is the one that is in control of my life. My life revolves around what my demons want and today I am taking a stand to take back my life and show these parasites that I am the one who calls the shots, I am the king but the demon is currently sitting in the throne. Little bit about my story: Me and my brother both checked into rehab on September 14, 2010. We both had the same drug problem and we both stuck out the full 32 days of treatment and I had never felt so free in my entire life. My brother has managed to stay clean to this day and he is a big inspiration for me. Myself on the other hand had reservations...I thought I could still drink since I never had a problem with alcohol which caused me to stop attending meetings since I would have felt like a hypocrite being in an AA meeting knowing damn well that I still drink. With no daily reminder of my disease it was easy to forget the past and fall back into using opiates again. I thought I could control this time but have you ever heard of an addict being in control? Of course not and I knew this but I'm sure you all know about the excuses and lies we tell ourselves in order to justify what were doing. So I was able to hide it for awhile because I would try to get sober on my own every 2 weeks or so and I would get anywhere from 2 days to 14 days clean and then I would relapse again. Each relapse encouraged the next one and the more I screwed up the more I began to feel hopeless and depressed. Well yesterday I came clean to my parents and my girlfriend(who met me in active addiction and stayed with me through rehab and the recovery process but had told me if I ever used again she was gone.) and so I quit my restaurant job where the pills and heroin were easily accessible and my brother got me a job at his work which is great because its a very small place and no one there uses and the environment is much much safer. My parents almost kicked me out of the house which is what I was afraid of happening and which is why I tried countless times to get clean on my own before spilling the beans on my new found addiction. Thankfully after a long discussion about the steps I was gonna take to get clean, they let me stay under extremely strict recovery conditions. My girlfriend kept her word and broke up with me but was happy I was honest with her and so we are still keeping in touch by writing letters to each other as if I'm in rehab again. I'm not sure what our future is but I'm gonna give her the space she needs right now to cool down and hopefully understand that my addiction is a complex creature that knows no emotion and is in a completely different category than the love we shared. She thinks its personal. I know the nature of my disease and I'm sure alot of you know that in active addiction the drug unfortunately comes first. Sad but true. So today I went and closed my checking account and handed the $3000(So happy I still have this much) to my parents and gave my cell phone to my brother to hide from me until I am more stable in my recovery and have the energy and willpower to resist the intense urges I will soon be experiencing. I gotta say though its already relieving knowing that even if I want to use, my bridges are already burned so now its just about taking it easy, being patient and keeping a positive attitude. I remember how amazing it felt to get sober when I was in rehab and I'm gonna keep that emotion instilled in brain until it happens again. I'm repeating 90 days and 90 meetings and I am actively looking for a sponsor and I will be reading recovery material in the morning and at night to keep my head in the right place. So that's pretty much my story and why I'm here and I hope you all can give me the support I need when I feel like giving up because those of you that have been through this before know its impossible to do this on your own. Thank you for reading guys and gals and inviting me into this support center...I've been reading through alot of threads on here and everyone seems very nice and understanding so I'm excited to get to know you all who have struggled like me. With Love, Ben.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Benjaminn
good to have you with us

D

Blood500

I wish you the best Benjaminn, my DOC was dope as well so I fully know the battle, urges and all that comes along with the early abstinence of the drug. Use every tool you can and live again. And I thought that was hilarious when I read 'of course I missed' I did that a couple times to when I said it was my last shoot, which lead to another one because I couldn't let my last one be sub-par lol. I hope you continue to check it here.

dizzydolphin

Welcome Benjamin, glad you're getting the help u need. And burning bridges is a great start also.

TryingOnceAgain

Welcome Benjaminn,
What you are doing is very courageous and responsible. You are surrendering yourself so that you can learn to have control over the addiction. It is a battle, but it sounds like you've plotted out as many obstacles as possible, and tried to minimize their impact in advance. That is wonderful.

You will get urges, w/d's and all of that. But, keep in mind that Sober Feeling you once had. Hang on to that. Envision it for yourself again, because that is where you are going. Stay very strong. You are doing all the right things. You are putting yourself and your recovery before anyone and anything else, and that is the first step. Congrats.

We will all be here when you need us. Keep us posted and stay on course, and things will get much, much better.

SaVeMe81

Hey i am hearing u i am exactly where u are at ! I am 8yrs on vics oxy morphine and benzos VERY LARGE AMOUNTS ! I have never tried rehab or na but have tried suboxone theropy and i only started abusing that got kicked off program for failure to pass my drug tests ! I too am very very scared though i took fentanyl today so im not in withdrawls yet but wen that wears off im broke and cannot get any for a while .....i am tired of my life revolving around my addiction id rather not be breathing than in withdrawls and two years ago i tried to kill myself by taking a lot of klonopin which landed me in physc unit for 15 days .......im lost i forget who i am i want to find her but she isnt there instead is a lying drug addict that will do just about anything for her next fix! Alot of times i dream of the days where i wake up clean not thinkin of drugs but just being happy to be me ............however those days are long gone and ive turned myself in to a big mess! I wanna go to rehab but having trouble finding the funds and sumone to help watch over my kids wen my husband works (I have no job , cant hold one down ) idk i just want u to know there are some wonderful supportive people on here so keep coming back and good luck i feel ur pain ~~~~~

Spica

Welcome Benjamin. Keep posting and let us know how you progess through detox and recovery.

As you noted there are a lot of great people here. All the best to you as your work through this!!!!

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR (((Benjamin)))! This site has been a huge part of my recovery. You are definitely not alone.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LostinLaLaland

Good stuff Benjamin,

As hard as I'm sure it was to come clean to those closest to you I believe that will give you the added inspiration to keep fighting. I know for me I kinda tried to quit a few times on my own but it never stuck because I only had myself to hold me accountable. But now with the added pressure of everyone around me knowing what I was up to and the destructive nature I have that added inspiration of not wanting to let them down, and it's really made it easier. Definately check in here often, many people on here have great knowlege of where you are and will give you that encouragement to keep you fighting. Different live meetings or classes as you know will be the key as well, I attend a chemical dependancy class a two or three times a week and that has be awesome as well. Anyways welcome to SR and keep posting!

Benjaminn

Hello Everybody! I apologize for not checking in sooner its just that I was going through some pretty hardcore withdraws and did not feel like getting out of bed let alone getting on the computer. But I am on day 4 now so one of the hardest parts of getting sober is almost over now. Thank you all for your support and great advice and I will continue to keep you guys posted on my recovery. I'm going to a meeting with my brother tonight and I am gonna aim for 90 days 90 meetings because I don't ever want to go back to the person I was. Thanks again everyone! Sincerely, Benjaminn.

Spica

Outstanding Benjamin - glad to hear you are working through this. Remember to pump as many fluids as you can through the withdrawal process...our bodies lose a ton of fluids during this period.

Keep us posted!!!

Ilovemysonjj

Hi Benjaminn, As a mother of a newly recovering addict and being a former addict in recovery, you are an inspiration. Your mental state and conviction and embracing of the desire to be sober takes you so much farther down the path! I pray for you and your continued success!
TT

Benjaminn

Hello everybody. Benjamin checking in again after a couple binges on some pain pills I'm starting the recovery process over again. Tomorrow will be yet another Day 1. I'm getting out of AA and going to my first NA meeting tomorrow night because I just can't really relate to anyone in AA. I think NA is more suitable for me. Hopefully I will find a sponsor tomorrow night because I desperately need someone I can call at all times of the day because I get these crazy urges out of no where and It would be really helpful to have someone to talk to. I don't know if this is allowed but If anyone who is in recovery preferably from opiates could private message me there number I would greatly appreciate it. I need someone that can relate to what I'm going through and tell me everything is going to be okay because when I'm in the midst of these urges I really do feel like the my world is caving in on me and the feeling of hopelessness is completely overwhelming. Thank you all for your continued support and inspiring words. -- Benjamin.

Nonya911

I'm withdrawing too Ben. Cold turky since Wednesday from my old friend lortab. Hang in there! I know how hard this is.

Pandie

Welcome Benjamin! This is a wonderful place to get lots of love, support and encouragement. Will be praying for you

~Pandie

keltie

Welcome Ben! Come join in with us- ex Vicodin user here. I know what you mean about AA vs. NA- I could go to either cuz Im also an A but NA seemed more like home to me. I thought 12 step support groups were "not my thing" but I've been in NA for 6 weeks, have a sponsor, and am working my 1st step. I love it! Just out of curiosity, how is your brother?

keltie

Good luck, Nonya! I am detoxing too but my doc (who knows everything and was my prescriber) has me on Tramadol. It has prevented me from having full-out withdrawals. I admire you for toughing it out.

Benjaminn

Lets just say that my brother puts me to shame. He has a year and four months in recovery now. He makes it look easy. Most of the time I'm too embarrassed to tell him I'm still dealing with this ****. Well anyway here goes Day 1 again. Coffee + Newport time! Just woke up.