mama2girls

I am the wife of an acoa. We have been together for 10 years and married for 2. We have two wonderful little girls. My mother in law is an alcoholic. She has been since my husband was a child. This has always been difficult for me. We have never gotten along. She says mean, aweful things to me when drunk and then wants to be my best friend the next day. I have a hard time not taking it personal. My husband has always had a strained relationship with her as well. She has quit drinking a few times over the last few years. But she didn't go to AA or do a 12 step program. She has relapsed every time. During one of her sober periods, we trusted her in watching our daughter once a week. A few weeks into it I started coming home and suspecting that she had been drinking. After she would leave I would check our trash cans and found nothing. I was hesitant in telling my husband because I didn't want to accuse her if she was indeed sober. But I finally told my husband about my suspicions. We decided to secretly search her car before leaving for work one morning. We agreed if alcohol was found, our daughter would be going to daycare. My husband checked her car and said he found nothing. A few weeks later (after finding out she relapsed) he tells me that he DID find alcohol and lied to me. He said he called her as soon as he left the house and she denied it. I was crushed. I trusted him to tell me the truth and to do what was best for our daughter and he failed miserably. My MIL had our daughter's car seat and would drive to places. I thank GOD nothing happened to her. I don't think I've ever forgiven my husband. She hasn't baby sat since that incident.

We haven't seen her since Febuary when she flipped out because my husband asked her repeatedly to stop kissing our youngest daughter on the mouth and to quit sharing food. She drinks, she smokes and our daughter was still very drooly at the time...GROSS! With our children present, she called my husband every name in the book. My husband decided it was time to leave. Our oldest (who is now 4) left bawling. It was awful. I felt awful that my daughter had to see that. We were supposed to get together for Easter. But she started a fight with me...She had called to see what my daughter wanted for her 1st birthday. At this point I didn't pick up the phone unless my husband was present to witness the conversation. She tends to twist and turn things that I say. Anyway, she called me three times in a row. I didn't pick up. But then I started thinking maybe it was an emergency so I called her back. Stupid! All she wanted was gift ideas. I told her I would think about it and let her know. A few mornings later I got to work early and looked up some ideas. I emailed them to my Father in law to forward to her. I had no ill intention. It was still very early and didn't think it was appropriate to call. I suppose I could have waited but I didn't want to forget. Apparently I was the most horrible person for doing this. She called my husband ranting and raving about me. My husband defended me and told her she was out of line. He uninvited her to Easter and our daughters 1st birthday. I have not spoken to her since this. My husband stopped talking to her maybe 2 months ago. Everytime she called it was to start a fight and he just got fed up. My husband and I have discussed no contact until she has been sober for a year. But he seems to waiver every so often. I feel like he's not "confidant" in his decision. From the beginning I have told him he is more than welcome to have a relationship with her. But our girls are not going to be around her.

FF to yesterday she writes him a letter telling him that she wants a relationship with him and our daughters. He is feeling incredibly guilty. Father in law told him he needs to write a letter back to her. He said maybe if he starts talking to her again, she'll get help. My husband keeps saying he wishes we could just work it out with her and that she's not going to quit drinking. He's getting the guilt trip from family. Father in law and Sister in law completly enable the situation. So now I'm feeling like the bad guy. I'm thinking about what is in the best interest of our children. I don't trust that he has their best interest at heart since the babysitting incident. I love my husband. I just don't know what to do anymore! Any suggestions?

Kialua

mama2girls I'm so sorry you are experiencing this and your daughters. You are doing the right thing so stand your ground. If your husband keeps getting sucked into her craziness let him but don't include your children. Under NO circumstances ever leave your children with her again, period. The less they have to do with her the better.

When dealing with alcoholics there is no magic or easy answer. They are unpredictable at best. Nothing you can do or don't do will help until she is sober. Being driven by guilt, like your husband is, produces no results as well.

There is an abundance of information on this forum, please read when you can. It might give you some insight why your husband get sucked into that craziness. He has to see that this is not good for his children, is he drinking?

Willybluedog

mama2girls,

So sorry for all that you are delaing with, Kialua is right, you have got to set concrete boundaries and hold to them, I don't understand your husband lying to you that would be a serious red flag for me, if he wants to ride around with her when she is drinking that would be bad enough, but to endanger your kids, major error in judgement.

Please consider attending al-anon, you will gain some coping skills and maybe better understand why your husband is an enabler.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

mama2girls

My husband and I both socially drink. My husband likes to tinker in the garage and may drink a beer while out there. He rarely gets drunk. I do worry about my husband taking after his mom. They are so much alike, I think that is why they tend to bump heads.

My husband says he lied to me because he didn't want to upset me. He says he honestly doesn't think she was drinking here. I'm not sure why he is do blind. Every time she has relapsed, I have been the first to suspect it. I dont know if the rest of the family refuses to see it or if they really don't know.

I told my husband I was going to a meeting. If he wants to come to let me know so I can find a sitter. Otherwise I'll be going tonight. I refuse to live my life getting guilted for my decision to protect our children. I feel like he doesn't support me or our family. I feel like he cares more about pleasing mom and dad. I know a big part of that is the environment he grew up in.

Kialua

Glad you are taking this bull by the horns and being proactive. No need to feel guilty protecting your kids from physical or emotional harm. Let us know how it goes.

Yes it's very easy for your husband to seem to care more about the alcoholic. Maybe find him a book to start opening the dialog? And keep reading yourself, a meeting is only once a week.