AEIOU

Hi Everyone -

I have a question that I am hoping someone can help me with. I am 11 days clean from Oxycodone (yay) and have been doing pretty good - some high points and some low points - but overall, I am much, much happier now that I am no longer 'numb' to my feelings. Reading on this site has been such a great thing for me - I really feel like I am not alone in this.

Typically, I am a pretty creative person, I love creating all sorts of things and even own a small business based on my creativity. Since I have stopped taking the Oxycodone, I feel that I don't have any creativity left in me. Has anyone else experienced this? Does it subside? I am crossing my fingers that it does - I have projects that need to be done but I can't seem to get my head around them - trying to be creative seems like such a chore, although I want so badly to do something creative.

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated! Thank you all!

AEIOU

FT

Hi AEIOU,

My job requires a lot of "creativity" because I am a medical-legal writer and you can't just pull that crap out of your azz. Ha!

The interesting thing is that while I was taking oxycodone for 2 years before and after orthopedic surgery, I truly felt I was doing "my BEST work"! I loved to work in the early morning hours after my first dose of oxys in the morning. I truly felt that I thought more clearly on oxycodone and would never be able to do without them again.

Looking back on it now, I realize I was in a drug-haze during a lot of my writing during that time, and it was NOT my best work at all. When I first quit oxys last December, I felt hollow and numb, and for the first few weeks I couldn't even read a book. I somehow managed to do some of my writing, but it was hard.

Then, over the next couple of months I realized I was thinking more clearly than I had in years, and the creativity did return. I don't think it is the creativity that is lost, initially, but that your thought processes and brain wiring are just really screwed up at first.

Opiates really mess with your brain chemistry, and so it is no wonder it takes awhile to start feeling like you are "back". But you will be, in spades.

Keep up the good work.

Ft

jhay

I just detoxed from opiates at the beginning of the month and my creativity was long gone for a while. After about 3 weeks, I started writing again, something I hadn't done in over a year. So yes, your creativity will come back and come back stronger than ever, at least it did for me. Hang in there. (:

Spica

I want to second (or is it third) the responses you got here. The first three weeks I could not read or stay focused on anything for long. NO energy, no motivation.

It has only been ~43 days for me and I feel much, much better. I forced myself to get out and do light exercise and try to eat nutrient rich food and am now finding my energy and "creative juices" are starting to flow again.

It is a great feeling. Hang in there and you will start feeling better and motivated again in no time!!

dizzydolphin

Glad to hear it comes back! I make jewelry and haven't gotten back to it yet. At least I'm cleaning my house though. Damn what a mess after a month. But I'm getting caught up, and I suppose the creativity will too.

AEIOU

Thank you all for your responses - I can't tell you how good it feels to know that I will be back in the game before too long. It's funny, I thought that I was more creative while using as well - but I know that wasn't the case, I wasn't as detail oriented and it took FOREVER to get a project done because I would get distracted so easily.

FT - what a great asset you are to this board and I feel honored that you replied to my post - I've seen so many well thought out responses that you have given to others in support of their recovery and it is really touching. Just to feel like somewhere cares about you, even a little, can go a long, long way.

Spica - I've seen a lot of great supportive posts by you as well, it is so great to see - and it is helpful to me that you are about a month ahead of me in your recovery so I get little glimpses on what's to come.

Thanks again, everyone - good thoughts to you all...

AEIOU

Dee74

Hi AEIOU

I have no experience with opiates per se, but I did lose my creativity due to alcohol and other drugs for many years (I'm a musician)

Like others have said here - it came back - writing music is a little different than the drinking drugging days - it's more matured and focused, more levelled if that makes sense...but I've done some of my best work sober thats for sure

welcome to SR

D

IvanKatz

You have to understand that the act of being creative hits your brain's reward center. Problem is that your DOC screwed up that part of your brain. Opiodes fill your pleasure centers and after a while, your brain stops making those feel good chemicals because you're supplying the goodies - not your brain.
My passion (in the winter at least) has been creating and building model aircraft (100% from scratch & by hand, a dying art I might add too). One plane would take at least 100-200 hours of work to create start to finnish. In the past decade, I had created some incredible pieces worthy of a museum.
This winter, now that I took myself off the docs prescribed meds... I've been the most non creative schlub you can imagine. I want to build something but don't have the desire, strength, or will to do it. Mind you, one aspect is that my back pain forbids it but my brain says nope too!
I've been off for well over 6 weeks (with the exception of 7 days where I broke my tail bone) and I know I need at least 6 months to get back to normal - whatever that is.
Your brain has to repair itself for some time before that ole "reward center" brain thing kicks in.
I've gone cold turkey many times over the past 4 years and every time my brain is on auto pilot for weeks. No pleasure, depression, etc... It takes several months for your brain to get back to it's right place. Mind you, this depends on what, how much, how often you were using. Folks like me with Chronic pain have it a little different because the pain acts as a major depressant, not to mention the flat out pain 24 hours a day. I could get back on my meds tomorrow and start building! Heck, I'd LOVE to lose my depression (with the opiods) and have tons of energy again! But I know that would last all of 30 days and then I would be right back in hell within a month - and then have to take myself off the meds, W/D for 2 weeks again, go through the pain, hell, and depression...... Isn't worth it.

Give yourself some time to heal! The quickest way to get back is great diet and good exercise. Nothing else will get your brain back faster than that.
Trust me and the other 100 people on this board - I'm sure all will agree with that statement. We know because we've been through it.

IvanKatz

BTW, Forgot to add in the last post. LAUGH! Do what ever you can to laugh.
In addition to the diet and exercise, laughing IS the best medicine. Whenever I find myself laughing really hard, I feel really good for a while.
It kick-starts those endorphins you've been missing! Endorphins= feel good! Almost as good as a romp with the spouse... Almost - LOL! )

AEIOU

Thank you to both Dee and Ivan - I really appreciate both of your responses as well! Glad to know that I am in some good, creative company.

Dee - my brother is a musician as well - and a recovering heroin/cocaine addict - I know exactly what you mean about writing music under the influence and writing music clean - it is like night and day.

Ivan - I agree with you that laughter is the best medicine, my husband was channel surfing last night and we ended up watching 'Dumbest Stuff on Wheels' - I laughed like I haven't laughed in a long time! Also, I appreciate you going into a deeper explanation as to why my brain isn't 'letting' me be creative right now - makes lots of sense. Like you, I am someone with chronic pain...I just decided that living life in an opiate fog isn't how I want to live - I want to be able to fully appreciate all that is around me (my body currently hates me for making this decision). Oh...and I know the type of planes that you are speaking of, my grandfather used to build them years ago - such beautiful pieces of work. He just passed away in August and left two of his models to my husband.

Thanks again, fellas - off I go to use my non-creative energy to fold laundry...

AEIOU

IvanKatz

AEIOU,
I willing to bet that those creative juices will be coming back in a couple of months. Slowly, but they'll be coming back!
To elaborate a little more about the "brain drain", I've done TONS of reading on the subject and will give you the short and sweet version of what's going on. When you first start using opiodes, your brain dumps large amounts of dopamine into your system. So much so that when you take more doses, your brain dumps more but not like the first time. This is why you feel that euphoria the first time. Your brain is saturated with opiods and dopamine! You just hit a grand slam to your brain's reward center! WOW! You are on top of the world! You're funny, your fun personality is out there, you laugh and make others laugh. You may even notice that people like you a little more because you're always in a great mood. That mood is attractive to others! Matter of fact, it's magnetic!
But you notice that as you continue use, you don't feel that euphoria like you first did. So you take a little more of the drug to get you where you were.
Fact is though, you'll NEVER hit that first high. That's the trap! Like a dog chasing it's tale, you'll never catch it again.
Now, after a few weeks of using, your brain slowly stops making dopamine and endorphins because the opiods are providing the rewards to your brain. After a few months, your brain pretty much stops making all those feel good chemicals.
When you stop the drug, your brain all of a suddens says, " Holy CRAP!!!!!!!!! Feel bad!!!!!!! And starts pumping epinephrin into your body. THis is what makes your heart start pounding, blood pressure goes sky high, and your mind races. Most likely your bowels go haywire too!
It takes your brain several days to a week to level out. During this time you experience hypoalgesia - any "tiny pain" is magnified 20x! Your back aches, your nose runs, your eyes tear up, you have sneezing fits.
After 7-10 days, you no longer feel those bad physical W/D but now you're in a fit of depression. This is because your brain isn't producing dopamine and endorphins at its previous level. Your pain tolerance is getting a little better but you're depressed. To add salt in the wound, you go through this constant malaise for the first week. Your depression is going to take at least a month or two to go away (depending on how much and how long you were using). Oh! Lets not forget that horrible lethargy that comes with this. For the first 10 days after your last dose, it's like you have 50 lbs of lead strapped to each ankle.

OK, that's the bad part... Now for the good!
After the first 10 days, you start feeling better! You start laughing and feeling a little better. Especially after you first wake up.
You feel like having sex, you can experience PLEASURE!!!!!! You start thinking about positive things! After a few weeks, you start getting your energy back YEA!
After a month, that depression starts to wain. After 60 days, you feel pretty darn good!!!!
After 90 days, your brain is pretty much back to normal and your life starts getting back on track.

Well, at least that's the way I've experienced it... minus the Chronic pain...

simian66

I'm a visual artist. I've been off the drugs for over two years now. I was afraid that being sober would make me less creative. The big payoff from stopping the abuse is I actually get things done. I was getting nothing done smoking weed for example.

Having said this, I still think the best art or music has been created under the influence of substances of one type or another. This doesn't mean I am about to go and take drugs again. I'm still trying to process concepts from acid trips I had in the 90's, and turn them into artworks.

I don't think the ideas I have had whilst out of it are better than the sober ones just because they almost appear to be from another mind completely. I actually think drugs produce better ideas conceptually. History is littered with geniuses, the best of which used drugs. The problem is turning the enlightenment into actual art. I found it virtually impossible to get anything done intoxicated.

I'm certainly more productive being sober, but I wouldn't say I'm more creative.

MelissaNoDrugs

I agree. Drugs and booze gave us some of the greatest art in history.

Dee74

Drugs and booze also robbed us of some the greatest artists in history way too soon.

D

IvanKatz

That "Creative" aspect you speak of is merely a drop in a sea of misery. You're creative for a short moment in your life and utterly useless for the duration.
Yes, I've had some rather creative moments when I first started taking my prescription meds, but ended up in a personal hell where creativity was traded for a non productive life that revolved around my meds. How creative can you be when you wake up at noon and spend the rest of your day channel surfing?

That's the think about being high - in your own mind, you "think" you're creative but never act on it... Only thinking creative and never acting on it. That's the lie! Later on, all you can think about is having enough medication to last you so you won't get sick from W/D.

dizzydolphin

Soooo true Ivan. We forget that part.

IvanKatz

Yeah, that's one of the Demons of opiods... It makes you forget most of bad stuff and makes you remember the fun you had while Euphoric. There are so many things that are difficult to do because I associate so many fond activities with the high. Plus, I could do those activities without pain - double whammy!

For those of us who have gone though heavy W/D - days and weeks on end of pure misery! Yet for months afterwards your brain tells you, "Hey, let's take a few percs... you can handle it now! Remember how much fun we had when we took them when we went to ________" How are we supposed to have fun without it huh?

I'm having to retrain my brain to have fun again without my little helpers.
It's difficult to push through but very doable. Like so many things, you can't force it -it just takes time.

lisag8700

Everyone is different and everyone has their own experience. I did my best work sober and thought drinking or smoking pot enchanced it, then after sobriety my creativity is coming in little spirts around 90 days and I am doing the best work I have ever done.

AEIOU

I think that I can feel my creativity coming back in little bursts - today I had a creative idea so I am acting on it. Whoohoo.

Thanks again to everyone for replying to this thread, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Good thoughts to you all...

AEIOU

Just an FYI - while acting on my creative idea, I spent a lot of time 'missing' help from my friends. Weird...I didn't expect that. Has that happened to anyone else, or am I just a weird-o?

AEIOU