Hopencope

After 18 years of marriage to an ACOA, I don't know what I feel for my ACOA husband anymore. I don't hate him, but things are very awkward. I don't enjoy spending time with him anymore, yet I can't bring myself to leave him. Not sure if it's the fear of striking off on my own with three kids or the guilt of abandoning him. I guess I have given up on him and am now working on healing myself. Not sure what my next step will be. Are there other spouses out there feeling like me?

Willybluedog

Need more information, your spouse is the child of an alcoholic, but not an alcoholic himself?

If your spouse is not an alcoholic what is your issue with him?

Have you both tried counseling?

Has he attended al-anon, been to this site or a similar one?

Hopencope

He is not an alcoholic, but has been self medicating with marijuana for years. He comes from a dysfunctional background. His grandfather and mother were both alcoholics. He never knew his father. At the age of 10 he moved away from his extended family to another province (Canada). Her drinking continued...she would leave him with total strangers and disappear for days. When she was around, she would leave him alone at night and go drinking. Otherwise she would drag him to the bar where he would sit in the car and wait till she got out and drove them home drunk. When he was about 12, she married an alcoholic and they moved to the US. They moved around from state to state. They were married for about 5 years. He ended up doing time for fraud (thats another story) and they got divorced. At 18 he came back to Canada and has been here since. When we met I knew about his background and childhood and was so impressed by how kind and attentive he was. He loved my family, my values, my culture. He even attended church with me. We got married and things seemed fine, until kids came into the picture. During our marriage, I worked full time 5 days a week, had three kids (including twins). He works full time 3 days a week. I handle everything, bill paying, shopping, cooking, homework, doctors appointments, plumbing and electrical repairs. He won't do any of this stuff. When he is not working he smokes pot and plays the guitar. When he is high he calls me love and sweetheart and praises me. When he is sober I get accused of controlling the money, spying on him, not cleaning the house. That's when he is talking to me. He can go days on end without talking to me. When I confront him and ask what is wrong he tells me he won't say the presence of his lawyer?! When he gets angry which is often and for nothing he does not hit me, but has broken things and kicked in a wall. We have both seen therapists and it was determined that he needed help. He never follows through though. There's always an excuse or problem with the therapist according to him. It was only during one of these sessions that he confided that he has seen a physcologist when he was about 18. He did not elaborate on the reason though. During our last blowout about a month ago, I told him I had enough and that I wanted him to leave. He proceeded to get on the phone to make an appointment for us to see a therapist. I was thrilled....three days later he cancelled and told me we didn't have a problem!

He hates the neighbors, resents my background, my family. Has admitted having trouble getting close to his kids. I don't know who he is anymore!

Willybluedog

I am so sorry, what a terrible situation for you, it sounds as if the long term use of drugs has made him paranoid and abusive.

Have you tried al-anon, it may give you the strength to either better cope or decide to make a change.

Please come here often and let us know how you are doing, if you need to just vent I will be happy to listen.

Peace be with you,

Bill

Hopencope

Thank you so much. Didn't mean to rant and vent, but must admit it does feel good lol

Willybluedog

Hey venting is always welcome here, venting keeps you sane, you have to have somewhere to go where people understand what you are going through.

Take care,

Bill

micealc

Hopencope,OMG thats Terrible................How could a man treat a woman/mother like that.

Get to al Anon for a start..............
Talk about whats hurting you.............and your Kids
He,s been so Rude to you its hard to believe.
God Bless you.