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I Relapsed :(

Old 10-14-2011, 12:16 AM
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I Relapsed :(

I turned 17 2 months ago and as you all know (well probably don't remember) but around months ago I posted how I was gonna stop.. and I did, but last week I relapsed and apparently was only gonna buy one rock and ended up buying around 500 in 4 days. Not by myself, with friends and brothers. I feel horrible. Very horrible. I'm doing pretty good I graduate this year from high school and everything, but.. I'm a crackhead. Will I ever stop doing this? I thought I was gonna be able to stop for good, and I even survived the craving for months.. but I still relapsed. IT SUCKS. I even did coke to stop the addiction but nothing. i haven't done it in like 3 days but damn I really wanna stop. :/ I don't wanna be a crackhead especially know my father, whom i have never knew nor met, is one and is homeless. I dont know i guess I'm asking how could I stop cravings? How could I stop myself from ever doing it again? I know I can stop for months but am gonna end up relapsing again for sures.. :/
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Old 10-14-2011, 12:50 AM
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I know you'll hear from people here who've been there with crack

I'm wondering what kind of support network you have tho, The Viper?
Maybe it's time to check out stuff like NA or some other recovery group?

D
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Old 10-14-2011, 01:05 AM
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I feel ya. Its a rotten merry go round to be on....but its a straight ride to HELL from here on out for you I bet. Chances are good if you are smokin like that your days of successful using are over and it is all just the horror that IS ADDICTION...
We have no gaurantees. We get recovery and sobriety ONE day at a time..and those days can get pretty long and grueling sometimes but it is the ONLY way out of the insanity..One day at a time...You can do 24 hours right?? Well luckily thats all you have to do right now. Don't trip on the future...start now...google some NA stuff online and read it..go to a meeting..post here..try to make some FRIENDS TO SUPPORT YOU.....you got us here..thats a good start...
I hope you WILL get clean ! I work with people who are out there on the streets smoking every day and it is nothing pretty...Save yourself..You are the ONLY one who CAN..but we can help...and so can a higher power (find one!)...
Thanks for posting!!

love norty
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Old 10-14-2011, 02:18 AM
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Hey Viper, i have just started using this website and this is my first entry. I read your post just now and absolutely empathise with you what your going through. I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. My drug of choice is crack cocaine. I have not touched crack for two years now, a bloody miracle. Just like you, i tried for years to stay clean of this ******* evil drug, and found myself relapsing more times than i can remember. I thought i would always keep relapsing and thought crack would kill me in the end. My suggestion to you Viper, is, which may have been suggested to you before, is to detach yourself completely from people, including family if need be, until you have had enough time clean to feel safe around your brother, without having to participate in taking crack. Don't give up home matey, you have to be ruthless sometimes, for it is a life or death situation. Keep me informed on how your doing, and if i can help in any way i will. Try not to be to hard on yourself, if i can do it, i know you can too. Take care Viper, sending you positive energy your way. from one little speck xxxxx
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Old 10-14-2011, 06:16 PM
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hey thanks everyone for the advice. NA Meetings, well honestly, noone besides my brothers and some friends know I do Rock. So that's why I don't wanna go to meetings and such- at 17, telling someone you're addicted, that's a no-no. I'd feel embarrased and everything, i dont know i guess I just dontt want them knowing i do this. Like right now, its 8:15 where I live, I have $50 bucks. I'm getting this cravings and I'm a lil depressed because I got stood up, apparently I was gonna go to the movies with a girl friend to take her out, but nothing. I might buy rock, but idk. I don't want to, it's just, it'll take my feelings away. Its sad. :/ hopefully I don't give in and buy.. how's everyone doing? anyway thanks again for everything, I really appreciate it. Day number 4 is today, I gotta keep soberness going.. hopefully I do.
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:48 PM
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Noooooooo!

Don't do it!!! Then you'll be back at square one. These first days are the hardest i'm sure, I've never actually done crack, but I used to do LOTS of coke and slowed way down on that only to jump on to the opiate train. But being at day 7 off all drugs right now, I would have to say Day 3 was the toughest, and it's when I'm by myself when it get's the hardest. Lot's of great people on here have gone thru what you are right now. I know the urge is strong but you can do it!!!
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Old 10-14-2011, 08:02 PM
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(((Viper))) - I'm a recovering crackhead, myself. There was NO WAY in he!! one rock was ever going to do anything but leave me wanting more. I did it 24/7, am WAY older than you, went from an RN to a street-walking crackhead, and still didn't hit bottom. Went to jail, stayed clean but it was more of white-knuckling it, and I relapsed. Only about 2 weeks, but it put me at an even lower bottom.

What helped me was remembering how I felt during my relapse. I was miserable, save for those few minutes that I was high. I hated myself, I hated what I'd done to my family AGAIN, and was near suicidal.

I started off, early, saying "not an option...next" with "next" being a cue to 1. distract myself, and 2. remember how awful I felt, even when using at the end. In time, my mind would be to "next" before I'd even realized I'd thought about crack.

I was lurking on SR for over a year, didn't sign on until I had 6 months in recovery. FWIW, I abused opiates before that, went to AA and there were a LOT of addicts in there. We just said "pick up" instead of something like "hitting the pipe". There were a lot of young people there, too. I just didn't really LISTEN to my sponsor and the old-timers who told me that hooking up with a guy who had 20+ years of crack addiction and "one week clean" was a really bad idea. Regardless, no one held a gun to my head to make me try it.

The cravings are going to come...crack is all mental and it's a b***h, but recovery is possible. Trust me, you keep it up, you are going to spiral down. I've yet to meet a "successful crackhead". I left my XABF#3 because he had no intention of doing anything but continuing to smoke crack. He died a couple years ago of pneumonia. All he had to do was go to the hospital, but as he would always say "that crack rock was calling my name". It called him one time too many.

I have over 4-1/2 years in recovery, there are others here who are also recovering crack addicts. It's not EASY, but recovery is totally worth it and more.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-15-2011, 03:22 PM
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Well the first thing I want to say to you is not so much TALKING, but to send you a hug (((((((((((((TheViper))))))))))). I am sure I am not the only one here who can HONESTLY SAY, I feel this pain of yours. You see, yesterday, I TOO RELAPSED. I have been crying non stop since last night, being so DISSAPOINTED in myself.
However, the one thing I will NOT LET MYSELF (or my family who thinks they KNOW IT ALL), is HATE MYSELF or allow myself to feel a FAILURE, LOSER, OR UNWORTHY. My self esteem is obviously pretty much already in the ******* (I do not think too many truly HAPPY PEOPLE do drugs). I do not need to be beaten up. Not by family, least of all myself. Neither do you.
God knows my sorrow and remorse for failing Him and myself. God knows how hard I try EVERYDAY to not desire the DEVILS DRUG I put up my nose for years. My family spat at me last night how I am SO WEAK. I AM WEAK. I AM A SINNER.
And above all, I AND YOU my friend, HAVE A DISEASE. God knows I want to be well. He knows that the times I have stumbled, rather than GIVE UP on myself getting clean, I just start counting the days again (Yeah that part is a real drag, as we work so hard for each and every day). But something calmed me this morning and just told me. I DO NOT MAKE JUNK. YOU HAVE A PURPOSE. If I KEEP TRYING despite failures, He will get me there (and He will get you there too). Remember Matthew 17:20 when The Lord said "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
A mustard seed is a small little thing yes? Somedays My faith is at all time lows, however JUST A LITTLE BIT OF FAITH is all we need ok? Hang on to that sweetie. I managed almost 15 years clean before I scrwed up. I asked The Lord the same thing. WILL THE STRUGGLE TO NOT WANT THIS CRAP EVER LEAVE ME LORD? I do not have the answer (though I pray it is yes). Regardles, I do know with Faith we will be granted the strength to KEEP TRYING. I honestly do not feel if we do that much, and no matter how many times we fall on our asses, JUST GET UP AND START AGAIN, that He will not forsake us. Keep the faith and remember you ARE LOVED .
peace and Love,
Carrie
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Old 10-15-2011, 03:24 PM
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Oh one more thing Vip... I too , have NEVER once stepped foot in any NA meeting (even when I quit for 15 years). I made up my mind this morning, that at 7 tomorrow night, I am going. It is easier when in Rome to "do as the Romans do", and if you are with a bunch of peeps who WANT not to use, I figure the chances are that much better I keep myself out of harms way. Give it a shot ok? I am.
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Old 10-15-2011, 11:11 PM
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Hey, jesus. wow, you know I honestly feel like that when I relapsed.. failure, unworthy, etc. but i'm happy to say I havent done it. and feel good. hopefully I don't do it anymore. I'm in bit of a hurry cause I'ma go to sleep now, so I'll come online tomorrow. Take care, bye.
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Old 10-16-2011, 03:24 AM
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Hi Viper,

Sounds to me like you need some REAL help. I could just try and get you to identify with my experiences and that might make you feel comforted for a little while. The problem is addiction is a mental illness with or without the drugs. Stop the drugs and the mental illness starts to wear you down with negativity and fear. Thats what needs fixing. Its a death sentence unless treated.

Courage

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Old 10-17-2011, 01:18 PM
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Viper,

Welcome and "good for you"...catching this addiction early on may be a blessing. Be thankful you won't have to go through the pain and loss someof us have.

So what's the plan?
You'll hear alot of people talk about meetings and they are a good place to go for "support and recovery". But if you're like me, it's that first one I couldn't avoid.
So what to do?
Well staying away from all them using "friends" is a good idea. I also found it helpful not to have cash on hand. If that means not going to the movies with your girl for a while, trust me it's worth it.
If these sound like things you can do, you'll probably be just fine. Relax, enjoy life, maybe pray a little, God likes to help us so long as we are willing to do the work.

And I like forward to hearing back from you, we do need to stick together.
Larrylive
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Old 11-06-2011, 09:15 PM
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Hey guys, I just got my laptop back (where you plug charger broke) but wanted to let you all know, I've been sober since I posted here! havent done any drug Though I recently today broke up with my girlfriend, and I feel depressed that I'm even listening to depressing songs, I couldnt be happier! screw that drug man, its screwed me over badly. I dont plan on doing it anymore thats for sure, I'm doing good and now whats keeping me busy is my PS3 ha and I'm applying for jobs AND I graduate may of 2012 then college.. I aint letting this drug take away that from me. thanks guys for the advice its honestly helped me and has made me stay away from it too.
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Old 11-06-2011, 09:27 PM
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Way to go Viper!!!!!!
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Old 11-07-2011, 09:39 AM
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Viper,

For someone only 17, I admire your willpower and willingness to change. I had a cocaine problem ten years ago, and that eventually led to crack. Lost everything, wife, job, house, etc.. I quit through rehab for 5 yeqars. Then earlier last month, I relapsed. I started doing lines again and felt absolutely terrible. I felt al the things you felt. I felt like a failure. I remarried and have a 17 month son who adores me. Everytime I look at them I want to cry. Today is my first day of my new sobriety. I want a line so bad but I know that if I do my road to recovery will be that much longer. I feel terrible, thinking about going to my guy to get some but I read your post. If you can resist, then I surely will. Good luck Viper, and God Bless. I pray that I do not slip up and I pray that you keep on with your recovery.
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