Confessions to Spouses - How Long Until Forgiveness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 267
Confessions to Spouses - How Long Until Forgiveness
So I just confessed my recovery (oxy DOC) to my wife for the first time. She was unware of my use and of my recovery. She's not taking it well hearing that the man that used to be her hero is actually a lying addict.
I'm wondering if maybe it wasn't selfish on my part to confess. Maybe this was cruel of me to burden her with. Maybe I should have beared the suffering-in-silence as punishment for my "sins".
Is confessing the right thing to do?
How long did it take before your loved ones forgave you? And was it ultimately better?
I'm wondering if maybe it wasn't selfish on my part to confess. Maybe this was cruel of me to burden her with. Maybe I should have beared the suffering-in-silence as punishment for my "sins".
Is confessing the right thing to do?
How long did it take before your loved ones forgave you? And was it ultimately better?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I think it's the right thing to do, but then I hold honesty very highly in relationships (it hasn't always been that way)
As for how long forgiveness might take - thats really up to her, not you.
I have two exes - one has forgiven me, tho it took a while...the other never has.
It's a very individual thing I think, BD2T.
D
As for how long forgiveness might take - thats really up to her, not you.
I have two exes - one has forgiven me, tho it took a while...the other never has.
It's a very individual thing I think, BD2T.
D
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I think it varies a lot. I told my spouse, and he seemed to think I was saying it for attention and drama. I told my kids (grown) and they blinked at me like "what the heck are you talking about" I didn't bother my parents about it because, why worry them?
My friends were/are the only ones who seem to "get it". Spouse did a 180, told me not to come home.
It's important, when we get clean, and choose honesty, to realize that being honest isn't a guarantee that we are going to get what we want or think we should. Life doesn't work that way. But being honest is the right thing to do (not brutal honesty) and what it does is puts us face to face with reality. I was ducking reality for a LONG time, and now I am being introduced to it.
I have learned to share information on an HONEST "needs to know" basis. Not for drama, not for vain attention, (asking for genuine help is OK), not to assuage my guilt at the expense of another. But because it is the right thing, the loving thing for the parties involved.
My friends were/are the only ones who seem to "get it". Spouse did a 180, told me not to come home.
It's important, when we get clean, and choose honesty, to realize that being honest isn't a guarantee that we are going to get what we want or think we should. Life doesn't work that way. But being honest is the right thing to do (not brutal honesty) and what it does is puts us face to face with reality. I was ducking reality for a LONG time, and now I am being introduced to it.
I have learned to share information on an HONEST "needs to know" basis. Not for drama, not for vain attention, (asking for genuine help is OK), not to assuage my guilt at the expense of another. But because it is the right thing, the loving thing for the parties involved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 267
My feeling was that it was the right thing to do. That it was wrong for me to be a recovering addict and for the woman I'm spending my life with not to know about it. It's part of who I am.
But at the moment it's looking like the wrong decision. I should have shouldered the burden myself.
But at the moment it's looking like the wrong decision. I should have shouldered the burden myself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Maybe it's not even so much that you told her - it could be that she feels you took so long in telling her...either way it will probably take some processing....
I still think this is the way to healing tho.
I hope it works out for the both of you
D
I still think this is the way to healing tho.
I hope it works out for the both of you
D
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
Me, personally, I think you did the right thing by telling her. She deserves to know. This is her marriage, too. Give her some time. You've know about this for a while but she's just now hearing it out of the blue. Of course, she's going to be shocked, may feel like a fool, feel angry, hurt, feel like she doesn't even know you. If it were me, I'd want to know, and I might feel all those same feelings, but given time to let it all settle, I'd probably be glad you told me and I think she will too.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
From a significant other of an A, I think you did the right thing too. It's a hard thing and it will take her time to digest and understand. If she's anything like me, she had no clue what addiction was truly about or what you went through. I want to congratulate you on being in recovery. I am with an A in denial and I would much rather he be honest with me and find recovery as you did. Regardless where you are at in the process, I believe that honesty is still the best policy. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Hi. My AH is a closet drinker. He is in denial (to me anyway) contrary to an abundance of evidence.
When I finally allowed myself to believe that he was an alcoholic, and it took me years to get to this point, it was still a shock. It shook up what I thought I knew about everything, and at the same time cleared up a bunch of puzzling events. I spent some time reliving OUR WHOLE LIVES TOGETHER with this new knowledge and so much of it was a new and different memory now. I was angry at him for bringing this issue into our marriage, angry at the deceit and angry at me for missing the obvious. I was just plain angry.
Alanon has helped so much. I realized he was not drinking AT me and that allowed the compassion back in.
Allow your spouse some time with this new information. Allow her to talk about this and ask questions and to get angry. To share this information and expect immediate acceptance is only on t.v. movies where they have to wind up the story in an hour and a half!
I am sure she'll come around, but allow her to go through a variety of emotions over time to get there.
Thinking of you both.
Congratulations on your recovery!!
When I finally allowed myself to believe that he was an alcoholic, and it took me years to get to this point, it was still a shock. It shook up what I thought I knew about everything, and at the same time cleared up a bunch of puzzling events. I spent some time reliving OUR WHOLE LIVES TOGETHER with this new knowledge and so much of it was a new and different memory now. I was angry at him for bringing this issue into our marriage, angry at the deceit and angry at me for missing the obvious. I was just plain angry.
Alanon has helped so much. I realized he was not drinking AT me and that allowed the compassion back in.
Allow your spouse some time with this new information. Allow her to talk about this and ask questions and to get angry. To share this information and expect immediate acceptance is only on t.v. movies where they have to wind up the story in an hour and a half!
I am sure she'll come around, but allow her to go through a variety of emotions over time to get there.
Thinking of you both.
Congratulations on your recovery!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 172
I hate this, but wife no wife, job no job, we simply will not recover as long as we place people and things ahead of our recovery. In fact, out disease has a way of removing things we place before our recovery.
I lost the wife of 17 years once while in recovery because if the years of wreckage. God definitely had a bigger plan for me and I am now with a beautiful 13 year younger wife and just had a baby a few weeks ago. Much happier now.
Moral if the story is really just focus on your recovery and work with a sponsor or counselor when it comes to the wife. Us guys are stupid and usually do the exact opposite of what we need to do or say when it cones to women. Be honest, but dint jump in head first and try and make all of your amends now. Do those with a sponsor and after completing steps 1 through 8. We have a way of making amends for selfish reasons and causing more damage.
Turn relationship over and focus on self and time will work things out.
I lost the wife of 17 years once while in recovery because if the years of wreckage. God definitely had a bigger plan for me and I am now with a beautiful 13 year younger wife and just had a baby a few weeks ago. Much happier now.
Moral if the story is really just focus on your recovery and work with a sponsor or counselor when it comes to the wife. Us guys are stupid and usually do the exact opposite of what we need to do or say when it cones to women. Be honest, but dint jump in head first and try and make all of your amends now. Do those with a sponsor and after completing steps 1 through 8. We have a way of making amends for selfish reasons and causing more damage.
Turn relationship over and focus on self and time will work things out.
TheMostSordidSpotOnEarth
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: ParadiseOnEarth
Posts: 811
I'm a real believer in the truth, BeenDown.
In this case, I think your wife has the right to know, and that it has been your responsibility to tell her. As I was told by one of the wisest spiritual advisors I've ever known in recovery, "give your mother her daughter back; give your mother her intuition back; give her the truth."
Today I know I need to do the right thing and let go of the outcome.
I have fired myself as the manager of my life. Run on selfishness, self-seeking, dishonesty and fear, SIU Incorporated went bankrupt -- physically, mentally, spiritually. I have a new employer. As a result, it is no longer my job to manage (manipulate, ha!) the world, my relationships, what others think, how others feel about me, my entire life -- using or clean.
It has taken a formidable stretch of road to get here, but it's a shift based on experience: the old ways did not work! They crashed and burned miserably. My best thinking, planning and self-propulsion nearly killed me. They hurt me and harmed others. I cannot (and do not want to) live that way any longer. I hope to live a useful, meaningful life while practicing spiritual principles; I cannot do that if the most important relationships in my life are built upon deception, lying by omission or lying by commission.
However, I will add this as a general statement -- there are times when some things are not appropriate and could cause harm to others. I believe that I must be hard on myself and easy on others, and that I have no right to save my own skin at another's expense. If I ever have any doubts about the appropriateness of something I want to say or do, experience tells me to seek council from others on the same spiritual track whom I trust, who understand the kind of life that I am trying to lead, before I act, and can hep direct me to the right thing in each given circumstance.
My dime for the piggybank.
I wish you good things, always.
With so much love,
SIU
In this case, I think your wife has the right to know, and that it has been your responsibility to tell her. As I was told by one of the wisest spiritual advisors I've ever known in recovery, "give your mother her daughter back; give your mother her intuition back; give her the truth."
Today I know I need to do the right thing and let go of the outcome.
I have fired myself as the manager of my life. Run on selfishness, self-seeking, dishonesty and fear, SIU Incorporated went bankrupt -- physically, mentally, spiritually. I have a new employer. As a result, it is no longer my job to manage (manipulate, ha!) the world, my relationships, what others think, how others feel about me, my entire life -- using or clean.
It has taken a formidable stretch of road to get here, but it's a shift based on experience: the old ways did not work! They crashed and burned miserably. My best thinking, planning and self-propulsion nearly killed me. They hurt me and harmed others. I cannot (and do not want to) live that way any longer. I hope to live a useful, meaningful life while practicing spiritual principles; I cannot do that if the most important relationships in my life are built upon deception, lying by omission or lying by commission.
However, I will add this as a general statement -- there are times when some things are not appropriate and could cause harm to others. I believe that I must be hard on myself and easy on others, and that I have no right to save my own skin at another's expense. If I ever have any doubts about the appropriateness of something I want to say or do, experience tells me to seek council from others on the same spiritual track whom I trust, who understand the kind of life that I am trying to lead, before I act, and can hep direct me to the right thing in each given circumstance.
My dime for the piggybank.
I wish you good things, always.
With so much love,
SIU
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 267
Thanks for your kind words guys.
I'm not an active AA or NA member but I have made the decision to accept spirituality into my life. And I did pray on this for quite some time. The more I did, the more it became obvious that I needed to tell my wife about it.
I knew that my way of doing things was to not tell her and spare her the pain of knowing. But I also knew that my way was causing me to SUFFER in silence. And "suffer" is by no means an exaggeration. It was tearing me apart.
So instead I surrendered to that "voice" and did what it was telling me to do.
Now my life is in shambles but maybe it was worth it. I feel relief like you wouldn't believe. I guess that's what recovery is all about.
I'm not an active AA or NA member but I have made the decision to accept spirituality into my life. And I did pray on this for quite some time. The more I did, the more it became obvious that I needed to tell my wife about it.
I knew that my way of doing things was to not tell her and spare her the pain of knowing. But I also knew that my way was causing me to SUFFER in silence. And "suffer" is by no means an exaggeration. It was tearing me apart.
So instead I surrendered to that "voice" and did what it was telling me to do.
Now my life is in shambles but maybe it was worth it. I feel relief like you wouldn't believe. I guess that's what recovery is all about.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: The Great White North
Posts: 448
I never went through that part of it, I lived alone and never had anyone to 'come clean to'. I spent many hard years of hiding my using and isolating myyself. I think if it were me I would want to know the truth, but it will take some getting over the shock for her. If your marriage is a strong one I believe she will probably forgive you in time.
Be ready for the questions. Once the info has started to process she will probably go from upset, hurt and angry, to how? what? where? when? etc.
I think you did the right thing and she is probably more angry that you kept a secret than that you actually used oxy.
...Ruby...
Be ready for the questions. Once the info has started to process she will probably go from upset, hurt and angry, to how? what? where? when? etc.
I think you did the right thing and she is probably more angry that you kept a secret than that you actually used oxy.
...Ruby...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: manchester
Posts: 523
Personal exsperians .... were all at differant points in ower lives
but to pretend there is a higher power or spritual awakeing is just bull to me
persanoly ...just my opinion....
its a slow proses of awakening for me eny way .. sumtimes im good somties im bad human nater i call it
but to pretend there is a higher power or spritual awakeing is just bull to me
persanoly ...just my opinion....
its a slow proses of awakening for me eny way .. sumtimes im good somties im bad human nater i call it
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 6
my own experiance in this is im the 1 who was told about a 2mths ago. 15yrs together 3 kids and i had no clue i new something wasnt right but here he was using percs, coke ect for 5yrs. i am so glad he finally told me! i went trew a process
1.i was numb, lets get through this i need to research,understand. he was already going threw withdraws for 2days before he told me , i was out of town so lets just say the next couple days i was feeling like a nurse and walking on eggshells.
2.numb goneafter he started outpatient,and was over the aches, puking (withdraws) then came the hurt,anger, wondering 15yrs was it all a lie. the money struggles, my kids,lies i was pist!!! i wish he would have told me earlier.
3.questions??? who you did with , how often,how much money,where my kids ever with u,did u ever think of kids.did you ever cheat on me cause if you can hide that could u be hiding more.
i can say the best thing that worked for us was i wrote down all the questions i wanted answered and he answered them all. his cousiler had a question sheet that asked what drugs how often and we did that together so thats what gave me idea to write my own. i do not think it was selfish to tell her it was selfish in not telling her. be as honest as you can and do it all now cause lies that come out after will be harder and **** her off more atleast with me. i hope you and wife can get thur this i will be praying for you
1.i was numb, lets get through this i need to research,understand. he was already going threw withdraws for 2days before he told me , i was out of town so lets just say the next couple days i was feeling like a nurse and walking on eggshells.
2.numb goneafter he started outpatient,and was over the aches, puking (withdraws) then came the hurt,anger, wondering 15yrs was it all a lie. the money struggles, my kids,lies i was pist!!! i wish he would have told me earlier.
3.questions??? who you did with , how often,how much money,where my kids ever with u,did u ever think of kids.did you ever cheat on me cause if you can hide that could u be hiding more.
i can say the best thing that worked for us was i wrote down all the questions i wanted answered and he answered them all. his cousiler had a question sheet that asked what drugs how often and we did that together so thats what gave me idea to write my own. i do not think it was selfish to tell her it was selfish in not telling her. be as honest as you can and do it all now cause lies that come out after will be harder and **** her off more atleast with me. i hope you and wife can get thur this i will be praying for you
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