Notices

Just need to vent a moment I guess..

Old 10-10-2011, 06:31 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: boston, ma
Posts: 5
Just need to vent a moment I guess..

I just need to vent I guess, I'm new here... didn't want to post for the longest time, didnt want to get into a discussion about drugs.. I can hardly stand thinking about drugs... I want to talk about drugs, but I'd want to tell someone close, and I would sooner die than tell my family (especially after all those times I lied for money way back in the day), and I can't talk to my boyfriend because he is a straight shooter and he hates the topic.. addiction is weakness to him I'm pretty sure. He's got a job that puts him in the public eye and I remember one time we got into an argument because he wouldn't drive through the drive through pharmacy at CVS so I could pick up my subs incase anyone saw him and ever since then I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about this stuff. Plus sometimes when I talk about substances I don't like the way I ultimately end up feeling... dying with want... I feel like if I describe the way I did drugs it'll seem like i'm glorifying or romantisizing them ... I did just want to write "I had a love affair with coke"... haha... I probably shouldn't go on like that, but it's how I felt for years... and then because of that I basically got wrapped up in pills... it started harmless and recreational enough, but after a year it became a daily thing... injecting that stupid **** into my body in the grossest of ways but it made the stuff last longer, and I rationalized it saved me money... which was really important because after two years I was broke, in debt, losing my grip on reality, lying constantly for more money, stealing, and I hadn't even hit my rock bottom yet.. I can't even talk about that..

I get really angry about it. I'm angry at myself, and at the friends involved who participated in my use or helped me or whatever...

I remember the first time I hit withdrawal. Then the objective became very simple, avoid withdrawal. A bit over a year ago I got on subs... and the nightmare finally started to end. I was so damn grateful I know subs are not the answer, but they help you get there I guess... It gave me enough time to get away from all the people I used to know, get my life back in order, get into a different frame of mind. Now I'm sort of proud to say I'm off of subs... since late August... I get kind of nervous thinking about that though, it feels like it's been years since I stopped taking subs, but apparently it's only been a month and a half... that boggles my mind... !!!!!!!

The big thing for me now is learning to live my life without getting high every few hours. But I get frustrated that I constantly think about drugs... sometimes I think about cocaine, sometimes I think about oc's, and sometimes I think about subs... I even dream about it... can you believe it?? I have dreams where I find pills in my carpet, or I find them forgotten in the bottom of a drawer, and I'm so damn relieved.. and then I wake up...

I don't know what to think. I have a few things I can be proud of... a couple months ago I got hurt and instead of trying to get pills from the doctor the first thing I did was blurt out I was on subs and couldn't take pain pills.. I was so nervous... and once last year I found a baggy of some old coke in my closet, just a bump, and I flushed it down the toilet... but then other things bother me... like, I feel guilty about the fact that when I was trying to get off of subs, I used some xanax I had kept for a rainy day to try to escape how I felt.. did that straight for four days, xanax to lull myself into sleep.. but what was I doing keeping anything for a rainy day? But I never had a problem with xanax so it's okay? And those dreams... what would I do right now if suddenly I found that familiar little orange hexagon in a baggie in my closet??? I just don't know.. I get sick thinking about it... and I hate that I can't watch tv, or sit at work... and NOT think "wow... this used to be so much more enjoyable when I was high".... not think... "some day I'll be able to do those pills again.."... wonder if I will ever be that content again.

****.

Maybe I'm just having a low point. A bad day. I just am dying for the day I don't think about using anything.. or how much better whatever was when I was high... how easily will I forget the costs of all that? I haven't relapsed anything.. but the word "yet" always floats in my head.

Ugh. I'm so sorry to be such a downer!!!!!!

Good points: As frustrating as I might feel right now.. it's still better than going through all the hell of everything from before.

I feel a bit better already... these feelings always pass... I'd love to hear there are those of you out there who got past all this stuff... things turned out alright.
turnforturn is offline  
Old 10-10-2011, 06:42 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: boston, ma
Posts: 5
ya know what brought all this on was pretty recently I was cleaning up my room and I found a hidden bottle with some pills in it, and for a split second I thought they were pain pills.. and for a moment... I felt such overwhelming desire and want it just makes me completely sick to my stomach to even recall the whole thing... it makes me not know what to think. Turns out it was just nothing... but it shook me up..
turnforturn is offline  
Old 10-10-2011, 06:49 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Spica's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 379
Welcome to the forum Turnforturn.

You are telling a lot of my story - I went back and forth on subs and oxy and had to fall quite a ways down to finally realize I could not handle oxys alone.

Now I, too, am dealing with all of the emotional BS as I get clean (30 days). One thing that is helping me cope is NA - I have met so many people going through my story that are happy and full of life and it has given me new hope.

Have you had a chance to look into an NA near you? Just a thought...it may help with this part of your recovery?
Spica is offline  
Old 10-10-2011, 07:27 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
TheRabbit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 25
I took bupe , theres nothing wrong with it if used correctly. I unfortunately could not use it correctly , much like everything else. I've kicked every way imaginable really , the only thing that worked for me was an inpatient rehab for several months.

Try not to feel guilty , im into my third year of sobriety and still have dreams. I still check in drawers and under car seats just to see if maybe i dropped something.

The realities we live in are constructs of our own choosing. Hang in there , everything gets much easier.
TheRabbit is offline  
Old 10-10-2011, 07:42 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: The Great White North
Posts: 448
Hi Turnforturn Welcome! You should be so proud that you have had these feelings and not acted on them. I know it's hard, but you're doing really, really well.

I can tell you that it does get better. I hardly ever think of oxycontin anymore (2 years 4 mo clean) and if I do it only lasts a few seconds, then my brain moves on and doesn't dwell on it like it used to. I have a whole new life now and I love that my brain and body feel like they actually belong to me now. At 1st it was hours at I would accidently forget to think about using and I say to myself "Wow, I just went 2 or 4 or 6 hours without a thought about it." Then those hours became days and then months. Now it is very rare that it happens. Now my only reason to think about it is to try to help out others with some of my experience and hopeing it will help them.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it is hard and we understand that. You haven't caved, you can be strong (or eat junk food, that's always good too) and pat yourself on the back for the great progress you have made.

...Ruby...

Last edited by RubyRose; 10-10-2011 at 07:47 PM. Reason: hoping, hopping, hopeing, none look right
RubyRose is offline  
Old 10-10-2011, 07:50 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: boston, ma
Posts: 5
Spica - thanks so much for the tips, I appreciate it... you know, I considered seeking out a NA group of some kind, but somehow I got the idea that AA or NA creates addicts... heard as much from my boyfriend and other people... that it creates this addict mentallity or something..?!? No idea really... that, and I guess, part of me is afraid the more I talk or think about drugs, the more it'll continue being a part of my life.. like I hope about when some time comes it's just a non-issue.. maybe that's ridiculous.. but I still hope... And Spica, you are so right.. this is a LOT of emotional BS... I don't have any lingering physical issues.. it's just the damn stuff in my head.. =/

The Rabbit - thanks for the encouragement... those dreams, ones where I'm relieved to the point of crying when I find half crushed dirty pills in the carpet floor... they are ****ing nightmares as far as I'm concerned.. I always wake up feeling like ****. those thoughts haunt me. glad to hear I'm not the only one who has them...
turnforturn is offline  
Old 10-10-2011, 07:57 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: boston, ma
Posts: 5
Rubyrose - LOL!! Oh my god, thanks for making me laugh... yes oh yes I've been eating fast food since quitting, It's actually something I think about a bit begrudgingly lol.. I've gained probably 15 lbs since being clean.. and it's because sometimes when I'm sitting around, and I start to think about how much I miss getting high.. I always find myself gravitating towards junk food instead! I thought it was just me.... And Ruby, thank you so so so much for your words... that's what I'm sort of desperate to hear, that at some point it'll all be behind me. I remember at least in the beginning I thought "I'll never be happy again".. and at least I'm past that point.. but when it gets tough it's really a godsend to hear that things haven't quite plateaued yet... it will continue to get easier.
turnforturn is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:55 AM.