tka

I haven't posted here in awhile, still suffering with my AH father. Last week he was drunk and lost his temper (which happens fairly often) in the kitchen and started slamming a hot frying pan on the stove, then used the frying to pan to smash up my new slow cooker and then used it to knock a ceiling light down which broke the glass around it and left the light bulb hanging on the wires (thankfully, don't need a dark kitchen) and broke some other glass stuff that was around. dear god... I was so scared he was going to use the pan to hit my mother or me. So we called the cops, usually they don't do anything and say it's his house and he can do whatever he wants (this isn't the first time he started breaking things) but the ones that came that night did take him to the hospital to give my mother and me a rest for the night and we could sleep peacefully.

the hospital held him for 3 days and someone from crisis intervention called and left a voice mail to call them back. I never heard of crisis intervention so had to look it up, from what I read it something that can force them into treatment? I was like "thank you god, a glimmer of hope and relief!" I called back and the number was to my father's room and he said his doctor/the person working with him wasn't there, my dad just said it was to make arrangements for him. The doctor called my mom's phone the next day and she talked to him... I'm not sure what she said... but from what she said the doctor said my father doesn't seem like a violent person and he's being calm and sweet there. And... they let him out again! As soon as he came home he bought a beer, and today he had his bottle of vodka!! I don't even know where he got the money from since he was in the hospital for the last 3 days and hasn't worked in over a year.

I KNOW the situation is very bad and it's just walking on egg shells till he goes off again and who knows what he'll break up next. I've been looking for a job with no luck, I have been to social services since noone in the household is working I thought maybe we could get foodstamps atleast, and I haven't received any help there. I wasn't qualified to receive any type of tech/vocational school job training to maybe help me find a job to get out of this situation. I'm still searching for a job and searching for a way to get into college or a school to make it easier.... but I really don't know what else to do in the meantime. I just feel so helpless.

I'm still looking into the crisis intervention...I seen a post about this on the forums but didn't want to hijack that person's thread. does it force the person into treatment? Could I still go about it even if the hospital didn't do it? At this point, even if it just got him out of the house for a few weeks so I can unwind some stress it would be helpful.

ACOAHappyNow

Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like a horrible situation and I hope you can escape from it soon and I hope it won't end up affecting your life after you leave (things like this leave scars that we need to work on to heal.)

I don't know what the laws are for committing someone or forcing them into treatment but from what I've heard it's pretty hard to do that. I guess that's why they do those interventions on TV, to try to get people to go, because there isn't really any way to force them.

I joined the Army to get away from my alcoholic, violent father. Yeah, kind of extreme, but it worked. I had a job and a place to live, medical care and hot meals. And even a little spending money for fun. Yeah, it was hard. And there are wars going on now, which weren't going on when I joined a million years ago (I'm out now, an old lady.)

I can understand about being desperate to get out.

I hope that you will find a way soon to a better life! Please stick around and post more, this site is so helpful!

tka

thanks. I did consider the army but I think I may be too old for it now, maybe if I'm able to get some college or training where I could then get a job in the army. Also looked into Peace Corps, and they pretty much definitely want a college education or life experience. And, unfortunately,, I have some depression and anxiety which I heard the army might not take, even though I have no doctor history for them to check, it might be hard to hide those emotions.

ACOAHappyNow

Yeah, the Army only accepts applicants up until the age of 35 I think. So there is an age cutoff for sure.

I wish I knew of a way for you to get a great job and be free of your dysfunctional family! I hope so much that a good path will present itself to you soon and you will be free and happy!

MMkM

I am so sorry about your situation. I would only do what you are able to do to get yourself safe and not harmed. Throwing things around that are breakable is not good.
You usually don't know what will set off that type of behavior with an alcoholic.

If he is getting worse with that type of behavior that should be a situation you try to control as best as you are able.

For now - do you have your own room? That has a lock where you can stay while he is on a bender. Or any friends you know that would let you call them and come get you.

Perhaps a women's shelter could advise you on this as this would appear to be a domestic violence situation. Calling their hotline would sure not hurt and might give you some resources to check out.

Work on yourself now. I know it it hard when things like this are happening and you are going through this but if you went to an AlAnon meeting they would have people who could advise you that have been through something like this. They also might know what you should do. And they would give you phone numbers where you could possibly call someone when a bender is going on for advice.

You need to be working a program of recovery even while this is actively happening now.

Do positive things for yourself now. Learn some stress relieving techniques. Get some type of inexpensive hobby - check out books at the library.

About job skills - if you are not in school now - use this time to learn more computer skills. Computers are usually the basic credential for work now. Learn about them.

But being in a crisis mode you really need to reach the pros - AlAnon and trying a domestic abuse hotline. Trying to dodge breaking glass from a raging alcoholic is
very scary. Also, hide or lock up any of your valuables that he might try to get and
pawn for liquor - your computer might be one of them.

tka

thanks for the reply MMkM, yes I have my own room that I can lock from both the outside and inside Sadly, I don't have any friends to stay with. I don't know if there are any women's shelters around, when I was at social services I did ask if there are any regular shelters around in case of an emergency and they said the nearest shelter was a few towns away. We have no car at all right now so it's not possible to get to it.

Yes, I need to get myself to an AL meeting, I always think about it but haven't. I think I'm scared I might not receive any help there or get any advice since it seems like I haven't had any luck elsewhere. The library is also on my list to try going to to see what they have to offer.

I have called a couple of domestic violence lines. one was a Catholic Charities line and they were nice and helpful. They suggested my mother could get a restraining order on my father and even though the house is in his name we could still stay here. One of the cops that came here did give my mother a paper to file for the restraining order. For some reason my mother is afraid to file it, I think she is worried my father could then evict us from the house (a different cop suggested that one to my father) or that my father still won't get help. I'm not sure myself, if a judge grants a restraining order could it also be required he get treatment before he's allowed back into the house?

Kialua

Hi, sorry for your predicament. I've shared here my struggle to get my sister committed. The successful commitments in my experience are the ones where they are against the persons will. That is very hard to do. You have to have a history of police calls and incidents to support the persons unfit to take care of himself.

When my sister committed herself under her own signature she could clean up, med up and fool them all and sign herself out when she wanted. Even the thirty day committs went the same way, clean up, med up and fool them all.

You should find a social worker to help you, but they are overwhelmed with this problem so find a caring one. But start keeping track of incidents and police calls now, you may need it in the future.

Finding a meeting would be a good idea too. Good luck, keep us posted.

MMkM

You are probably not in the USA as how the cops are handling this dangerous situation is appalling. Lawsuits have been filed that have left women at the hands of domestic violence. And reading more details how he was tearing up the kitchen with glass and a pot that had been on stove and the cops get there and then finally decide this warrants an arrest?

As Kialua mentioned you should be documenting this.

Do you have a camera to take pictures of the damage he had done?
Of course doing so after he left. And not letting him know of these pictures or documentation.

And I would have demanded to talk to the Dr. that thought he seemed calm and nonviolent. I bet he has never had to dodge some flying glass shards.

With budget cuts even here in US there are social services are a bit limited but the womens crisis centers are usually organized and would tell you how to get help. Maybe take a taxi to the other town (I know expensive but they might pay for part of it). You are in an eggshell situation - you don't know what will set him off.

I do know there are Al Anon and even ACOA meetings online and the steps for these are here on this forum. You can do that from the safety of your bedroom with the door locked.

Is there a Church you would like to attend and make friends and get out and get some perspective on this?

tka

I am in the USA. This isn't the first time my mother or me have called the cops on him and we get different cops sometimes, some handle it better than others although the most they do, if we are lucky, is take him to the hospital - which just gives my mother and me a day or 2 to relax. I'm pretty sure they keep a record of the number of times we call because one time they mentioned we call alot.

When they came here the last time, we thought them seeing this amount of damage would be enough to see that the drinking is a problem and he's losing his temper when drinking and there's probably a deeper issue going on with my dad. They gave him the option to go to a bed at the hospital or the jail. I also mentioned to the cops last time my father took and sold my mother's iPhone for $20 and they asked my father who's name the phone was under and he said my mother's and the cops said that is theft...but they still wouldn't arrest him. Then they just took him to the hospital again like they usually do. The phone wasn't in service and it was awhile ago he sold it, but it's just an example of how desperate he'll get for a bottle.

I don't have a good camera, just a low res one on my phone but I tried to take decent pictures of the light he broke down (which is still hanging down), and holding on to the cooker he smashed and a coffee machine he broke awhile ago for evidence.

I talked to one of the doctors last month (different time he was there) and told the Dr. that my father is getting violent, has broken things and has threatened my mother and me.. they said that when he is at the hospital he's all calm and sweet and they can't keep him for evaluation since he's not being erratic or psychotic there. Of course that's my dad fooling them because he's doesn't want to get locked down and wants to get out to go back to drinking. And yes, my father really isn't taking care of himself anymore, he won't eat if my mother and me don't buy and make him food. He'll just sit there starving, take any $1 he gets and uses it towards liquor...literally...he won't even buy himself a can of soup for a $1 or even use the energy to go to a church food bank, he'll just go out to get a bottle of vodka and a can of beer. The doctors have to see he's in bad health, almost skin and bones... but it's ok to do that to oneself I guess.


I'm hoping to get to an AL meeting this week, if it works out maybe I'll attend the church's service there.