hoo boy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
hoo boy
I've been kind of out of the loop on keeping up with this forum lately.
My dad, who is a pretty big alcoholic, had been spiraling out of control over the past decade or so. Unbeknownst to the rest of the family, he had also been committing a felony repeatedly during the same period of time. He finally got caught and is now in jail awaiting trial or a plea bargain. Trial is set for next summer.
My mom is in the early stages of dementia and doesn't do well with details - things like paying the bills, or keeping track of details like appointments or driving directions. I spent the past two months trying to get all the bills changed to paper copies (still working on that) and figuring out what all the bills were.
After this all broke, I ended up being a state witness, so I can't speak with my dad. The most communication I can have is what I can fit on a 4x6 inch postcard, and he is not allowed to speak to me at all - making this whole situation that much more difficult since my mom often garbles things she's heard in her head.
The best case scenario we could hope for is that he doesn't die in prison. Even that may be a long shot. Meanwhile, for however long he's incarcerated, I get to spend every Saturday paying my mom's bills and making sure she's not hoarding too badly. Saturday mornings consist of a quick bill paying session, followed by a lot of having my mom trail after me while I ask her what to do with whatever thing is lying around and doing odds and ends.
My mom all but stopped drinking after my dad's arrest. It's very strange as she used to drink a lot as well. Her eyes are clear for the first time in many many years. She's able to think, albeit her thinking is skewed by the dementia.
My sister flew out to help my mom straighten some things out. It took her two weeks to clear out all the expired food (which my mom was still eating), go through most of the garage to get rid of the (literally) huge piles of stuff that had just been dumped on the floor, and go through my mom's office to make the room useable. For the first time in over a decade, I can see the carpet in her office. My sister is going to come out for another week in November to continue the process, and probably again in February and May.
While I'm not comfortable in divulging what my dad did (this is, after all, the internet), I can say that I'm conflicted. There was a time in my life when I idolized him and when his drinking hadn't gotten horrible. Prior to the arrest, his drinking had gotten so bad that he would call me, say horrible things to me, then have no memory of it the next day. More than once I hung up on him. I feel empathy for his current situation, he is not someone who does well being powerless and unable to make people do what he wants. I know he's miserable. On the other hand, he's safe and he's been forced to stop drinking (which doesn't mean he's sober, just that he's not actively drunk). And the crimes he committed are bad enough that really? He needs to be where he is.
I've always been attached to my dad. Since I was 14, I've been trying to hold my family together (I couldn't tell you why - when I lived at home, it was survival). I seem to still be trying to do that, but have accepted that I can't. Several of my nuclear family members will never speak to him again, and I may be the only person willing to speak to him because I do care about him.
I'm looking forward to this being adjudicated, no matter what the outcome (he's looking at 150+ years if things don't go well for him... 150 years, 1050 years, at that point, what does it matter?). At least once it's adjudicated, I can go visit him and talk to him face to face.
I go through times when I have things he's said to me over the years run through my head in circles: "You should have thought about that before you did it," "You made your bed, now lie in it," "It's your own damn fault," "What the he** were you thinking?" and my all time favorite "Don't talk to me, you're no daughter of mine. No daughter of mine would have done that."
During those times, I have no sympathy for him at all. But then I think about the fact that the place he's incarcerated at doesn't provide soap or toothbrushes - those have to be purchased by the inmate. And I feel a great deal of sympathy for him.
I'm not really looking for advice here, I suppose this started off as an explanation to the longer term members of the forum as to why I've become so scarce lately. It kind of morphed into a brain dump of my own processing.
*I'm* doing as okay as one might expect. For a while I thought I was losing my mind, but thankfully I have a fabulous therapist and she's kept me upright and even keeled (mostly). I also have many friends who care for me (and one in particular who has been exceedingly helpful to me *ahem* DesertEyes *ahem*) who have kept me from getting sucked into the crazy too far.
This has been one heckuva wild ride, and it will continue to be so for a long time to come yet. So if you don't see me for a while again, it's probably because some new crisis has hit and I'm trying to sort it out while keeping myself sane.
I'm glad this forum exists. I'm glad there are others who have to deal with the crazy and who are willing to share their struggles. It helps keep me grounded and reminds me that insanity is a perfectly sane response to an insane world.
Ginger
My dad, who is a pretty big alcoholic, had been spiraling out of control over the past decade or so. Unbeknownst to the rest of the family, he had also been committing a felony repeatedly during the same period of time. He finally got caught and is now in jail awaiting trial or a plea bargain. Trial is set for next summer.
My mom is in the early stages of dementia and doesn't do well with details - things like paying the bills, or keeping track of details like appointments or driving directions. I spent the past two months trying to get all the bills changed to paper copies (still working on that) and figuring out what all the bills were.
After this all broke, I ended up being a state witness, so I can't speak with my dad. The most communication I can have is what I can fit on a 4x6 inch postcard, and he is not allowed to speak to me at all - making this whole situation that much more difficult since my mom often garbles things she's heard in her head.
The best case scenario we could hope for is that he doesn't die in prison. Even that may be a long shot. Meanwhile, for however long he's incarcerated, I get to spend every Saturday paying my mom's bills and making sure she's not hoarding too badly. Saturday mornings consist of a quick bill paying session, followed by a lot of having my mom trail after me while I ask her what to do with whatever thing is lying around and doing odds and ends.
My mom all but stopped drinking after my dad's arrest. It's very strange as she used to drink a lot as well. Her eyes are clear for the first time in many many years. She's able to think, albeit her thinking is skewed by the dementia.
My sister flew out to help my mom straighten some things out. It took her two weeks to clear out all the expired food (which my mom was still eating), go through most of the garage to get rid of the (literally) huge piles of stuff that had just been dumped on the floor, and go through my mom's office to make the room useable. For the first time in over a decade, I can see the carpet in her office. My sister is going to come out for another week in November to continue the process, and probably again in February and May.
While I'm not comfortable in divulging what my dad did (this is, after all, the internet), I can say that I'm conflicted. There was a time in my life when I idolized him and when his drinking hadn't gotten horrible. Prior to the arrest, his drinking had gotten so bad that he would call me, say horrible things to me, then have no memory of it the next day. More than once I hung up on him. I feel empathy for his current situation, he is not someone who does well being powerless and unable to make people do what he wants. I know he's miserable. On the other hand, he's safe and he's been forced to stop drinking (which doesn't mean he's sober, just that he's not actively drunk). And the crimes he committed are bad enough that really? He needs to be where he is.
I've always been attached to my dad. Since I was 14, I've been trying to hold my family together (I couldn't tell you why - when I lived at home, it was survival). I seem to still be trying to do that, but have accepted that I can't. Several of my nuclear family members will never speak to him again, and I may be the only person willing to speak to him because I do care about him.
I'm looking forward to this being adjudicated, no matter what the outcome (he's looking at 150+ years if things don't go well for him... 150 years, 1050 years, at that point, what does it matter?). At least once it's adjudicated, I can go visit him and talk to him face to face.
I go through times when I have things he's said to me over the years run through my head in circles: "You should have thought about that before you did it," "You made your bed, now lie in it," "It's your own damn fault," "What the he** were you thinking?" and my all time favorite "Don't talk to me, you're no daughter of mine. No daughter of mine would have done that."
During those times, I have no sympathy for him at all. But then I think about the fact that the place he's incarcerated at doesn't provide soap or toothbrushes - those have to be purchased by the inmate. And I feel a great deal of sympathy for him.
I'm not really looking for advice here, I suppose this started off as an explanation to the longer term members of the forum as to why I've become so scarce lately. It kind of morphed into a brain dump of my own processing.
*I'm* doing as okay as one might expect. For a while I thought I was losing my mind, but thankfully I have a fabulous therapist and she's kept me upright and even keeled (mostly). I also have many friends who care for me (and one in particular who has been exceedingly helpful to me *ahem* DesertEyes *ahem*) who have kept me from getting sucked into the crazy too far.
This has been one heckuva wild ride, and it will continue to be so for a long time to come yet. So if you don't see me for a while again, it's probably because some new crisis has hit and I'm trying to sort it out while keeping myself sane.
I'm glad this forum exists. I'm glad there are others who have to deal with the crazy and who are willing to share their struggles. It helps keep me grounded and reminds me that insanity is a perfectly sane response to an insane world.
Ginger
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I just want to say don't get sucked into the craziness, hang in there. You are a wonderful daughter (?) helping out at a time like this, don't blame yourself for anything about testifying. You will find relief in the situation soon. My AF was incarcerated at age 80 (finally) and got treatment. Don't know if that will happen for yours or not but at least it will be settled. Will you be looking into placing your Mom somewhere for dementia? I guess don't wait too long, my Dad got Alzheimer at about 84 after he was finally sober and we placed him. They really can't be left alone too much at all. It was kind of oddly ironic that now that they are sober they are losing their memory. I'm sorry it's all happening at once for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Ginger, I'm sorry to hear how much you're struggling with. Please take care of yourself through this, too.
It's scary to see two of you having AF's incarcerated. My father does some things that in the last few years have started to make me wonder what he's up to, and worry that I'm going to read about him being arrested.
It's scary to see two of you having AF's incarcerated. My father does some things that in the last few years have started to make me wonder what he's up to, and worry that I'm going to read about him being arrested.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Kialua, I'm trying very hard to not get sucked into the crazy. So far I'm okay, but there are times when I wonder if being a tad crazy might not make this easier - then I realize that it would just make everything harder in the long run.
My mom is in the early stages of dementia - she can take care of herself mostly. I do pay her bills and help keep the house tidy and do little odds and ends things around the house for her. Most of my efforts are keeping the house from becoming a hoarders delight (she's always hoarded to one degree or another). I've given up on trying to keep the family together - that would definitely be crazy making. So I do my best to keep myself on decent relations with everyone else and let them deal with each other without putting me in the middle.
Rose, I am trying very hard to take care of myself. The biggest thing I struggle with is sleep deprivation. I've been trying to get to bed early each night, and on weekends I try to fit a nap in. Sleep deprivation isn't going to help my coping abilities any.
Thank you both for your support.
My mom is in the early stages of dementia - she can take care of herself mostly. I do pay her bills and help keep the house tidy and do little odds and ends things around the house for her. Most of my efforts are keeping the house from becoming a hoarders delight (she's always hoarded to one degree or another). I've given up on trying to keep the family together - that would definitely be crazy making. So I do my best to keep myself on decent relations with everyone else and let them deal with each other without putting me in the middle.
Rose, I am trying very hard to take care of myself. The biggest thing I struggle with is sleep deprivation. I've been trying to get to bed early each night, and on weekends I try to fit a nap in. Sleep deprivation isn't going to help my coping abilities any.
Thank you both for your support.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
