Live

I am a hero if I get together the dishes and run the dishwasher. Today I cannot do that because we have a broken water pipe.

I am a hero if I get up and get dressed. Today I did that, often I do not. I get up but I do not dress.

Today I am going to finish sweeping up a mess I made a week ago.

Today I am not going to shame myself for all I see that is undone.

Today I do not feel depressed. That in itself is amazing.

Today I know that I am very brave and have fought a struggle that most people cannot conceive of.
Today I will not compare my accomplishments (or rather non-accomplishments) to theirs.
Today I can remember that once upon a time I did all of those things too, but that I have an illness that has kept me very busy fighting for my life.

Today I know that I may awake feeling completely unwelll again tomorrow or even before this day ends.
Today I may also use my tools and hope I fell well tomorrow.

Today I have HOPE. I lost that in my illness. It is a miracle regained.

Please share with me this journey that many of us travel thro' hills and valleys and rocky slopes.

Seren

Hello Live! It's wonderful to "see" you!!!!!!!

Yes, I found it quite an accomplishment at one point in my past to get up off the floor from the eternal game of solitaire I was playing........

Many hugs, HG

Live

Hey, I got beans and bacon in the crockpot. We turned on the water long enough for me to rinse things to load the dishwasher but not run it.

My sis and I had a normal and very enjoyable telephone chat until the phone battery was dying otherwise we might have gone on for another hour.

My pdr phoned and we scheduled an appmt for Friday.

Freedom1990

I'll have work clothes washed, dried and hung up this evening.

That's huge for me at this point in my life.

I do thank God for all my furkids because they force me to get up and take care of them.

Tomorrow I'll do another full load of laundry and mop the kitchen floor!

NYCDoglvr

My doctor has me on the right meds (Wellbutrin & Effexor) and my life works great. But before that happened I couldn't even get out of bed. I realized I was too sick to kill myself. I found I mantra: "while there is breath there is hope". It was all I could do to keep going. But it worked. What scares me about depression is the distorted thinking that says I'm a looser, that the only option I have is suicide.

Anyone who can fight to survive with depression is a hero! God bless you all

Live

I didn't wake up in as strong of a positive mood as I did yesterday, but I still do feel better than I have.

Good grief, I had taken my chair covers off the cushions and the contents exploded with foam bits all over the living room.

I swept up the rest of what I could with a broom and dustpan yesterday and have chased more of it with the vacuum cleaner today. still not cleaned up entirely. I really HATE carpeting. Just had to say that.

Going to continue to do bits and parts around the house but make sure that my motivations come from desire of what I want rather than from guilting, shoulding and shaming myself. I have had that programmed in so deep I don't know if I will ever be free of it. Probably not.

But I am going to get some things done for the simple satisfaction of making progress. And the fact that I feel that way is cause for celebration all the same.
Just for today.

Live

How many days does it take to vacuum the living room.

Day 3 and still at it. David called me ms. energy. LOL. right.

I got a very frustrating call about the spousal Veteran's dependent allowance that should have been due me a long time ago, sat down, then got lost in the computer.
But.... after pushing the vaccum around a little longer venting about documentation and how much paper I could put where.

Then I phone to get my scrip refilled. yes, I know it is a week early. yes, I know it is a controlled substance. my beater gets 8 miles to the gallon and I can't find any vacuum bags. and I have this foam everywhere. okay, sure no problem, I understand, I know yes, you pharmacy folks think I am lying. I had an image of a vacuum bag exploding. LOL. That can't happen right?
I will let you know.
I am going to presume that it just fills up and loses capacity and quits picking stuff up.
I have never heard of a vacuum bag exploding..but I swear that is the kind of dumb stuff that happens to me when I ignore something. Like I know the thing is all ready freaking over filled. and the the consequences...like it making a bigger mess and other people looking at me like "what planet did you come from" that you did not know this would happen.

it's like living in a cartoon sometimes.

but anyway so I vacuumed awhile and picked up stuff. slowly reclaiming this one room.

David is still depressed and teetering on the edges of a mixed episode. a very worrisome thing, those are. dangerous.
so I am taking extra care to take extra care of me.

Worried about neighbor lady. They are the best folks. She has been sick off and on since last winter, keeps getting respiratory problems. When she actually goes to bed sick, it is time to really worry, she is one of those who just keeps on in spite of. But a few days ago she had been in bed sick 3 days. I went to take some soup over earlier today and they are gone. still not home, so now I am worrying they really had to put her in the hospital which would mean she is really really super serious sick.

David did fix the water leak and the dishes are caught up. But honestly we have never really unpacked, sorted and found a home for so many things. so much to do. Plus we had started a remodeling project. Oh yeah, got the demolition part done, tore one kitchen wall down to the studs and now get to put it back together they way we intend.

oh well, what the hell. I will find out what happens if I keep vacuuming and will keep reducing the stuff in this room into little piles and then hopefully work on getting them smaller and smaller. and eventually be PILELESS! YES! LOL

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to friends

Live

VENT:

I am usually (have been) too depressed to even notice what goes on outside my door. But today, I felt well and wanted to return some of the kindness the neighbors have shared with us so often.

THEY are STILL NOT HOME. This alarms the hell out of me. Something is very wrong. I am trying to assume Nell is in the hospital and not dread that it could be worse. But I do know their habits well enough to know that things are amiss.

and in a very small voice I add, we went to the dollar store nearby...no vacuum bags but I noticed as I was walking out of the door that a person wouldn't be able to tell I had done any housekeeping at all. insert curse words here. and pass the powdered sugar donuts.

I see pdr tomorrow late afternoon. for regularly re-scheduled (due to david's hospitalization) appmt.

Live

Neighbor lady is in hospital with pnuemonia, been very very ill and will be in for another week. Her husband is staying with her around the clock.

I have to organize my thoughts for my pdr appmt. day 4 with no feelings or thoughts of severe depression. I have some anxiety. Not enough energy or well habits in place yet.

Freedom1990

I've hit a new low with my depression.

Thank God I see my new provider tomorrow.

least

I too thank God for my doggies as they give me three great reasons to get up and moving each day, no matter how I feel. They depend on me to give them a happy healthy life and making sure that they have a happy healthy life makes me feel better.


I'm also getting much better at ignoring messes. Not that it gets unhealthy around here, just cluttered, and I no longer care that much about the piles of stuff - not too many of them and they'll wait until I'm ready to clean them up.

Live

I am really so sorry to hear that. You do like your new provider alot better tho', right? I know my pdr is watching me for a slump following the adrenalin of the recent crises and you have been smack dab in the middle of some doozies that you could do nothing about.

I still don't have the energy of a snail. But I am so very grateful my mind is not in the pain of depression atm. It is an incredible reprieve to me. I am crossing my fingers that you get a break from it as well, and the sooner the better.

I didn't sleep well last night but got caught up in reading the biography of Jane Goodall. fascinating! I am not an animal person like you are, the person fascinates me.

We dropped my depakote down from 1000mg to 750mg. That is the only thing we can figure out that is really different and might account for my change of mood state. I was very severely depressed when I began seeing the new dr. Something had to give. It had gone on too long. But I was even more afraid of another mixed state. NEVER want to go there again.

I took a nice hot bath last night and shaved off my "furry socks" . I didn't get pleasure from it, dangit. But the doing it is better than the pain of not doing it. LOL It does look like one of those apes has been in the bath!

I am trying to regulate my sleep cycle better, that is very much one day at at time! I quit taking my remeron for most of one month as it was causing GERD and such weight gain! I lost 10 lbs being off it, yay...but when things got rough here, I knew I had to go back to taking it...in order to put my own oxygen mask on first. (my dr said he hadn't heard that phrase in years!)

dr is not concerned about whether I have misplaced my scrip or taken it, only that I could have w/d..which I am sure contributed to having trouble falling asleep. But I hadn't been taking enough regularly to get dependent that way. I remain ambivalent about that one, something we will have to work thro'.

Well, I am dressed. David is outside with the tablesaw and wood. I need to finish the dishes. I will finish the vacuuming when I have some new bags. Dr got to laughing at how things were a Laurel and Hardy story between my losing my pills on the floor and exploding foam cushions all over the living room and then my running out of gas story. I hope I haven't lost my sense of humor or my ability to laugh at myself, but I have never aspired to be a comic, tho' I have used it as a coping tool. But I am tired of it. Guess that means I have to make some changes.
about what I will and won't allow in my life and my ability to determine those.

Freedom1990

I love my new provider! I did talk to his nurse last week and she was going to have him call me. However, due to an erratic work schedule and other things, it was next to impossible for him to catch me at home during business hours.

Granddaughter managed to get herself into trouble by sneaking around and lying to her dad/stepmom, so there has been concern there.

I literally made myself do dishes, clean the stove and counters off, vacuum, and do some laundry today. I just couldn't deal with the pig sty anymore.

I hope tomorrow he will consider adding the Zoloft to my regimen that we had discussed before.

I can't take much more of this low. Ugh.

Sending you hugs of support, dear!

TakingCharge999

I also hit a very low low today. Did not have energy to wake up. Everything went wrong today with mom. Apartment is a MESS. Have to wake up in 6 hours for the 24th rehab session. For the most part I do great even have fun with the young therapists which keep on joking and are in general good people. But when I get ultrasound/electroshocks for 20 minutes I am just lying there and often I feel like crying because I feel afraid/alone and I realize all the things I have gone through without support from my family as they have lived away, or even when I was living with my mom she is also very depressed so its not like we can be totally honest about things that hurt.

Did not do much today and now feel guilty. Well, I went to buy some earplugs- neighbor´s kids kept playing and shouting and I just wanted to have a relaxed Sunday. It was everything but. Not even energy to cry. Well I am crying now, which is good-its a relief. I went to this great concert on Saturday-had fun, missed my sister terribly. I went with a guy who is also into inner work, it was a nice chat, I got a lot out of it and felt that I could trust him. The guy met me in my worst with XABF and the mourning hell and he always treated me with respect and without labels- I thanked him for his friendship and this took him by surprise.

I felt my heart could relax around him which was a breathe of fresh air. I am SO grateful for the healthy male figures in my life. Well, healthy people in general, so scarce. On the other hand I also got a bit of resentment thinking how easy and how relaxed his life is and how I keep fighting demons- well, not resentment I just kind of missed LIFE and realized there are people that have no idea what depression is and have had a support system all their lives.

IT makes a difference to talk about this and no I don´t want meds but lately I also get those "I am worthless" thoughts, or "who do you think you are" thoughts, and feel frustrated in several aspects of my life so I just wish I don´t have to wake up, sometimes wish I was dead. Which is contradictory because in my heart I know I love life, I love the blue sky, I love music. And the tears keep flowing. Thanks friends for sharing. You get me (especially Freedom and Live). God bless you. Thanks for helping me trust and open my heart here because I needed it, was bottling it up. I hope this new week is better for everyone. And God bless my cats here purring against me and sleeping next to me with their little paws on my tummy as if hugging me.

Freedom1990

I have one kitty who climbs up beside me at night, and he presses his cheek to mine. He's quite the lover. He's appropriately named Velcro.

Live

((((((((((((((((TC))))))))))))))))

Hi, Freedom! hope you had a very good appmt today!!

I didn't do alot today. I did mostly clean off the kitchen counters and stovetops. Hmmm, I see a pattern of not finishing things. LOL Actually it is one I am aware of and struggle with. I have no idea why.

I just feel edgy today. This too shall pass.

Freedom1990

Well, I lost it in his office today. I was 20 minutes late due to a bad traffic accident that had cars bottle-necked on one of the main roads, and then I turned on the wrong street and got lost.

So I cried. I told him it was a major chore to get myself off to work. I just feel like life hurts right now.

He's so kind and told me a few stories to try and cheer me up. I did manage to laugh.

He's added the Zoloft as I had hoped, and I go back in a month. The last couple of days the depression has been stifling.

I hope adding the Zoloft helps. I'm taking it 5 minutes at a time right now.

It doesn't help I am coming down with a bad cold and feel like death warmed over physically. Ugh.

Live

ah, sugar, it is wicked isn't it? I hope the Zoloft helps ALOT. Does it take 6-8 wks to kick in for you? Those times of waiting for an antid are so damned hard. It is just a matter of trying to distract myself for minutes, hours at a time. and then to be sick on top of it, no defenses left to fight with. I hope the evening goes easier on you, and/or that you sleep well.

I am feeling that way with some free floating edginess today. Keep looking at the clock and asking myself..can I go to bed yet?
as if anyone would try to stop me or say anything. LOL

HuskyPup

Hi Live, hi everyone.

I just wanted to say I've enjoyed reading the posts here, and to thank live for starting this thread. I got a lot out of reading it. I have been emerging from a very depressed state here, as well, and at times, there are slips back into it, like an undertow, and just when you thought you were in such safe, shallow water! Mainly, these days, I suffer more from anxiety, though my therapist when I first came to him said I was in a state of 'agitated depression', which made sense when I looked it up.

Well, maybe I will post some more about what goes on in my life, mood-wise; I like the train of thought feel of this thread, and hope everyone here feels better, we all deserve it!

Live

hi, husky! and welcome. I am glad you feel comfortable in this corner of SR.
I have reported myself as being in an agitated depression before, miserable!

I am trying to find my feet under me now as the depression I had come to take as a given in my life has begun to lift.