Finally found help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 44
Finally found help!
Besides here! I don't know what would have happened to me if it weren't for the support and knowledge I received here. So Thank You! Thank you for actually listening to my rants, vents and the nighmare I call life.
I went over the head of the hospital here in town, straight to the state. They said they will look into alegations I have made but right now you need help! I was floored! 30 minutes and I have everything approved starting with appointment at drug/alcohol/chemicl dependenced physcirtry counsoling and support center not affiliated with hospital!!! Tomorrow at 3:PM they suggested a 5 day inpaient detox first, then counseling is approved for 45 weeks and can continue if needed!!!
The year of lies, coverups and the nighmare I call my life seems to be coming to an end!
I got three phone calls yesterday from churches, suport groups and freinds that said they all had a mass prayer for me un benounced to others, to expect miricles. Today I made one phone call and got it!
God does love me...
I went over the head of the hospital here in town, straight to the state. They said they will look into alegations I have made but right now you need help! I was floored! 30 minutes and I have everything approved starting with appointment at drug/alcohol/chemicl dependenced physcirtry counsoling and support center not affiliated with hospital!!! Tomorrow at 3:PM they suggested a 5 day inpaient detox first, then counseling is approved for 45 weeks and can continue if needed!!!
The year of lies, coverups and the nighmare I call my life seems to be coming to an end!
I got three phone calls yesterday from churches, suport groups and freinds that said they all had a mass prayer for me un benounced to others, to expect miricles. Today I made one phone call and got it!
God does love me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by failedtaper 
RIGHT ON, EAGLESNEST!
Now, DON'T go away!
FT
Now, DON'T go away!
FT
Hope!
Since my second day of cold turkey and the nightmare of, well won't go into detail but OVERWHELMING feeling of endless hopelessness that I awoke to hallucinating the same thing while I ran out of the hospital and no one believed me or cared, then I have been living, while trying, but still always felt endless and hopeless. No matter what lead I followed is was always a dead end. Hopelessness...
I still feel as bad as always, but now, for the first time in a year or so, I feel hope!
Now if there was someway to let the world know to follow Oxycontin drug manufactures recommendation of not taking for more than 4 to 6 weeks as stated in the paperwork that comes with the drug, same recommendation for lorzapam. Stop trusting doctors, read the internet before you start taking these drugs. Now that would be an accomplishment! No one should take this drug for longer unless they were going to pass anyway, it has it's place. But not for anyone who may live... my opinion!!! And my experience!!! Having three back surgeries over a 10 year period I had taken it many times short term with no consequences... long term has MAJOR consequnces... as we can tell from all the oxy posts here alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 379
I hear you, from what I understand the crap I was snorting was originally designed for end stage cancer patients...and I thought I had found a miracle drug...
Fast forward five years and here I am at my age starting over - and I KNEW better but it is a hard demon to beat.
Thank goodness for this forum and thank goodness you were able to find the help you have been seeking!!!
Fast forward five years and here I am at my age starting over - and I KNEW better but it is a hard demon to beat.
Thank goodness for this forum and thank goodness you were able to find the help you have been seeking!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 44
You did find a miracle drug for end stage cancer pateints! It would give much needed releif for people in these conditions to bear with the pain so close to dying and making it easier on the families as well... they may even enjoy there last days together!
But look what it does to people and their families who "live" through their pain?
I cheated pain for a year, then was addicted and could not stop for another 6 months. Now I have suffered imeserably for the same amount of time and it's not over yet...
But look what it does to people and their families who "live" through their pain?
I cheated pain for a year, then was addicted and could not stop for another 6 months. Now I have suffered imeserably for the same amount of time and it's not over yet...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 44
Well all I found was false hope again, they were so helpful and caring. Then the doctor called this morning and said sorry I can't help you! Guess he talked to the hospital...
The nightmare I had my second day of Oxy witrdrawls was not telling me I am in hell, the feeling of overwhelming endless and hoplessness was for the rest of my life...
a year later, 5 months of endless hopelessness without oxy, then five months on and off methadone, now 6 or 8 weeks without methadone, couple days of hydros (Releif) now I am again. on my own...
4 hours sleep on a good day and 20 hours of anxeity, with no help in sight...
The nightmare I had my second day of Oxy witrdrawls was not telling me I am in hell, the feeling of overwhelming endless and hoplessness was for the rest of my life...
a year later, 5 months of endless hopelessness without oxy, then five months on and off methadone, now 6 or 8 weeks without methadone, couple days of hydros (Releif) now I am again. on my own...
4 hours sleep on a good day and 20 hours of anxeity, with no help in sight...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 44
I am approved by my insurance. Everything in this town is tied to hospital, even the private place I went to, first post in this thread. They told my wife they are scared of me because of complint letter I wrote to hospital. If they treat me, they have admitted to their wrong doing... I'm screwed... wonder if I will ever become mentally healthy on my own? I'm so ****** up all I can think of all day every day is how many lies I have been told and how hard I have looked for help just to find dead ends..
Endless and hopeless, have no will to live or look for help...
LEt's see first lie, doctor said all addictions are over in five days. I have heard this from every doctor associated with Kootenai Medical Center.
Just looked at KMC doctor list, guess whos name is on there? Yup doctor through Alliance that was supposed to help me thursday but cancelled today.
Endless and hopeless, have no will to live or look for help...
LEt's see first lie, doctor said all addictions are over in five days. I have heard this from every doctor associated with Kootenai Medical Center.
Just looked at KMC doctor list, guess whos name is on there? Yup doctor through Alliance that was supposed to help me thursday but cancelled today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Beach Town, Cali
Posts: 74
Lean on your family
Great 5 days, only 3 more to go LoL, what a crock. To bad you started with that doctor that seems to have so much pull, maybe you can try something on your own out of state, however that may not be an option for you. Im getting to the point where I'm going to start looking for external help and that's not to encouraging, but I'm not all that hopeful for medical help anyhow as I don't have any insurance. But im sure NA meetings are free so I will start there. Funny thing is I sat thru 20 court ordered drug classes a couple years back as a diversion plan for a coke possesion charge, at the time I wasn't really hooked on that anymore I had already beat it to death. But I did sit thru those classes high on pills everytime thinking boy these peoples lives are a mess, now look at me LOL. Too bad I was such a low level offender in the program that they didn't drug test me, maybe I wouldn't be where I am now if they did, but let's just focus on the furture. But I think the meetings will help, can't remember if you said you were doing that as well but I'd try it if you have not.
keep on fighting the good fight!
keep on fighting the good fight!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
Can you call the Salvation Army? There's got to be something. Call a rehab & ask if they have a scholarship (free) for someone in desperate need.
Malpractice attorneys, 12 are all full and not taking cases?
If there is a number in phone book or internet for Chemical Dependence, Phychatry or counsoling I have called. Some seem hopeful till they here my name.
ADVICE: Never tell the truth and never write a complaint letter to hospital. You will be on your own forever.
Three days and I run out of Lorzapam, been down to one a day for a month and get 4 hours sleep and tried to stop but blood pressure went so high I was pissing blood then started hallucinating... then took one... guess death is closer then hope?
Printed copies of all my journals and left them with my will so my family can sue when I die, not much to do till then. If I can live till the third of next month when I get paid I will leave town and live with a freind in AZ, maybe can get help there.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 379
Death is NOT closer than hope...
Have you tried one of the local NA meetings in your area - the folks at these meetings may know of other resources and may be able to find you the help that others haven't.
Please hang on and keep posting!
Have you tried one of the local NA meetings in your area - the folks at these meetings may know of other resources and may be able to find you the help that others haven't.
Please hang on and keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 44
I am trying to get my mental health back by not using narcotics, when I go to NA meetings here, only once, the drug dealers can pick me out of a crowd as someone who needs drugs. So no I don't go.
I have no energy or will to be around people so I gave up Celebrate recovery at the church.
Spent the day again looing for a doctor or rehab or consoler and the answer is always sorry. I had given up looking for help so many times but just keep trying. There are no options for me here in town because I filed a complaint at the hospital. I asked the doctor for help, I begged for help, I screamed for help, I complained for help. I just have to get over this myself.
But at best 4 hours sleep a night I obviously can't do anything right. My back hurts, my neck hurts, I have gut pain every time I eat, I went to ER and they said it looks like an obstruction where you had your bariatric surgery. So they sent me to that doctor, out of their network, that opened a hospital to skim high dollar jobs from this one catering to rich canadians. He said there is nothing wrong with where I did surgery and your pain is no where near your surgery and the cat scan shows diverticulitus, but he was more worried about the large kidney stone he says may be causing more pain then my herniated disc. ER at hospital lied to me again. It's obvious I am blacklisted for filing a complaint.
Yes this is all negative but I have tried and all I get is no... so just give up and see if this ever gets better. I have no hope after the let down I got from first post...
The only option I have is to move to another state, but then I would have no health insurance and I have no money to move, so would have to sell the house, in this economy that may take a year. And I can't do that as my son is 18, in collage, has a good job, good freinds and a future here. Why **** up his life? Seriously I am just trapped, screwed and on my own.
I have no energy or will to be around people so I gave up Celebrate recovery at the church.
Spent the day again looing for a doctor or rehab or consoler and the answer is always sorry. I had given up looking for help so many times but just keep trying. There are no options for me here in town because I filed a complaint at the hospital. I asked the doctor for help, I begged for help, I screamed for help, I complained for help. I just have to get over this myself.
But at best 4 hours sleep a night I obviously can't do anything right. My back hurts, my neck hurts, I have gut pain every time I eat, I went to ER and they said it looks like an obstruction where you had your bariatric surgery. So they sent me to that doctor, out of their network, that opened a hospital to skim high dollar jobs from this one catering to rich canadians. He said there is nothing wrong with where I did surgery and your pain is no where near your surgery and the cat scan shows diverticulitus, but he was more worried about the large kidney stone he says may be causing more pain then my herniated disc. ER at hospital lied to me again. It's obvious I am blacklisted for filing a complaint.
Yes this is all negative but I have tried and all I get is no... so just give up and see if this ever gets better. I have no hope after the let down I got from first post...
The only option I have is to move to another state, but then I would have no health insurance and I have no money to move, so would have to sell the house, in this economy that may take a year. And I can't do that as my son is 18, in collage, has a good job, good freinds and a future here. Why **** up his life? Seriously I am just trapped, screwed and on my own.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 44
Here's the letter that the doctor ignored, I then sent to admins at hospital. It got me blacklisted. I have changed my mind and do want to sue but really would like crimanal charges filed. Called 12 malpractice attorneys and they are all full of cases and accepting no more.
Please if you know of a malpractice attorney forward this letter to see if they can help me?
This was three months ago...
Dr Benson, (of Kootenai Medical Center Coeur d'Alene Idaho)
I have called you several times with no reply as expected. I am stuck on this situation and need to deal with it if I am ever going to move on. You have hidden the fact I have Post Acute Withdrawl Syndrome for over a year and just let me suffer.
I trusted you with my life for approx. 8 years and at the worst time in my life you threw me out with the trash. Your wife told me “ Mark, come on! We all saw it coming!” We were talking about my nervous breakdown that I did not realize was happening. On top of this you allowed me to go cold turkey off Oxycontin use for 1 ½ years. My counselor and 2 doctors have told me this was stupid and no doctor would ever take this chance. Why did you?
Oxycodone and Oxycontin both state in the information sheet that a long slow taper is the only way to avoid painful withdrawls symptoms. Did you ever read this?
What did I do to you that you would make me suffer so bad for so long? Even till this day I just want to die! No will to live like this!
I appreciate your help with getting me in the hospital. But why? My second day there the doctor told me the hospital has no treatment plan for withdrawals. I kept telling her something is wrong, I need help. Yet all she was concerned with was my walking outside. Actually is was a frantic run after I awoke from a nightmare and was still in it! She was still not concerned with my nightmare or my pleading for help because something was wrong. With no treatment plan for withdrawals I could not understand why I was there? Why was I there?
The day before you had offered to taper, I said I have done this a dozen times before so I think I can do it again. But I could not. Something was wrong. As I told you several times before but you never did anything? Why? Specific phrases I used were “I am a wreck!” This was also the same day I told you I was down to 30 MG four times a day as it took two weeks to get there and nothing changed. I was still a wreck. I asked you to refill my 30mg Oxy pills and you were furious and gave me a prescription for 80 OxyContins. Why? But I still trusted you and resumed a higher dose. No change, still a wreck!
You knew why the entire time I was having a nervous breakdown yet never told me, never made any attempt to fix me and never made an attempt to get me psychiatric help. Why?
Back to the hospital while I was having a nightmare of being in HELL. No fire in HELL just cold damp dark and you know your there because of the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and you know it's for eternity! My wife said “Mark, Mark! You have to get out of here! That's when I awoke only to find I was still in HELL. The hospital room was all dark grey rocks, it was cold and damp but had a door which I ran for then fell flat on my face because my legs were so weak I could barely stand so I crawled out the door and found a chair to help me up and my legs could barely hold my weight and move but as long as I was moving the hallway got lighter and seemed I was making my way out of HELL. When I got outside everything seemed all right as I laid on the bench in the sun. That's when my wife said “are you OK?” I said” yes now that you woke me and I got out of there, she was confused because she just got there, I thought she was with me the entire time.
It took at least an hour to work up courage to go back inside the hospital. I had already decided that you were correct and a taper was the only option. When I returned the nurse asked me to sign a waiver so I could go outside and I did. I also told her about the nightmare and she would tell the doctor. Doctor shows up and tells me it is against hospital policy to leave the floor. These were her first words, nothing about me telling everyone something is wrong, nothing about my nightmare. I told her she was wrong about hospital policy and I just signed a wavier. Now will you help me? She said no. No? Why would a doctor say no when your asking for help? I then asked why she would not help me? She said I could be going outside and drinking beer. Now I am having a hard enough time with reality but this was very hard to comprehend as I wanted to be off this medicine and blaming it for my depresion and crying (although it was not the medicine, it was a nervous breakdown). I also told her I have not drank alcohol since 1986... she wanted a urine test. I told her I looked for the sample cup in the bathroom twice when I went in there and could not find it? The nurse said it was there. The doctor was obviously pissed off by now and went and looked for herself and guess what? No sample cup. I told her I have nothing to hide, I need help! What do you want to know about my urine and I will tell you what's in there, you can then check for yourself and find out. She left the room and I started packing.
I have told you this before in an attempt to explain my behavior. But it did not seem to make a difference. I said something was wrong? I said I was a wreck! Did you not see me suffering? You were talking about it to your wife! How could you do this to me? At that point in my life I still had full confidence in you as a doctor and trusted you with my life. All you had to do is tell me what to do! That's it! I was telling you I was a wreck. I told you something is wrong! I would have done anything you said. But you just abandoned me.
I went home and called you to get a tapering dose refill. I waited all day just to get a call from you saying you will never give me another narcotic, did you see what I did to you? And your in pain? Tough! This is when I knew my nightmare were real and the phrase I told you the second time you discharged me came from “hopeless and endless”. It's been a year and a half and nothing has changed, it's still endless and hopeless. My back still hurts all the time but it is nothing compared to my brain hurting. The first time you discharged me was for filing a compliant your nurse told you. I did not file a complaint, all I did was follow your colleges advice and talk to you and tell you to follow guidelines and treat a patient. Also read on internet it is illegal for you to do anything to retaliate against me if I did file a complaint. I don't even know who to file a complaint with?
At first I thought you were just hurting as you said several times “Did you see what I did to you?” I tried to forgive you and said “no, what?” and “you need to get over this, I need help and your the only one that knows me and have covered my medical care for 8 years. I don't think you did anything wrong, but you did. Why? I even told you it was because I stopped taking Cymbalta trying to ease your pain and take blame myself. But still nothing! Why?
But after that I think you did a lot wrong. First you knew I was having a nervous breakdown and did nothing! You offered me to taper and I said OK but I have done this before so lets try. You let me! This was so wrong and you knew it! All you had to do is say “Mark, don't do this” or Mark, (insert anything) and I would have followed your advice! Then when it was obvious to me SOMETHING IS WRONG and the only way I will make it through this is taper. The next thing you did wrong was not let me taper! This was not only wrong in so many ways it shows you wanted to make me suffer! This is when the retaliation started, you were pissed! I guess it's from my actions at the hospital, I am so sorry I was having a nervous breakdown, going through withdrawals and having nightmares of being in hell. Had you, my doctor treated me for the nervous breakdown I would have never needed the hospital.
Your next mistake and I say mistake but I believe it was retaliation was to let me suffer for months. I don't remember much of the first 2 months, just laying in bed and trying to sleep as much as possible. I got used to the nightmare of being in HELL everytime I woke up. It was not nearly as bad as the HELL I was living while awake. I thought it had been a couple weeks but my family informed me it has been months. Think it can't get any worse? Ha! That's when the insomnia takes over. I went to the emergency room looking for help again because you were no help. All they gave me was Remeron. I have not had one minute of natural sleep since then. Just 3-5 hours sleep a day on Remeron for over a year. You chose to let me suffer and I am still paying for it today and there's no help in site. It was about 5 months of hell before you gave me Methadone for pain, IT FIXED MY DEPRESION!!! I told you but you never answed why? Why? After searching for help for over a year and spending most of my life in bed crying I knew why, the doctors in Spokane told me why. Why would you not tell me why so I could get help? Why did you not get me help?
That's when I realized I will never get any help through hospital because two things, first I was in there for withdrawals and left. You should have never let me go there! Now they just look at me as a drug addict and nothing else. You should see the look on doctors faces after they read my medical records. I wrote you a letter telling you to have that removed so I could get medical treatment there. But you refused, it is still there, I still suffer and there is no help at KMC because of my record. It's like being a felon, screwed for life! Second if they diagnosed me it would come back on you as not treating me for a nervous breakdown and the suffering you put me through for months, now years! It's obvious you have a great reputation as a doctor, I thought you were the best doctor in the world and counted you as a blessing from God. Even when the emergency room doctors says I think the best treatment for you is Methadone treatment and counseling. The emergency room case worker says she will set everything up and gives me a prescription for five days, come Tuesday when I call, everything has been dropped because they talked to you. Endless and hopeless! Why did you do that to me? I finally got help and you squashed it with one phone call. Why?
Since then I have tried Sandpoint and got an appointment with a pain management and chemical dependency doctor, drove to Sandpoint just to find out they made a mistake, they do not treat patients from Coeur d'Alene. Or did you talk to them too? Endless and hopeless!
I got an appointment with same type doctor in Lewiston. They called three days before appointment and said they are no longer taking Coeur d'Alene. Or did you talk to them as well?
I have not had a life since this. All I can think of is finding a doctor to take care of me before you dump me. I lost that race as well. Now I am beyond desperation and realize it is really endless and hopeless. I had written a letter and signed my house over to my son. Left my wife power of attorneys for anything she needed. Gave my son all my tools and my antique car (gift from a friend so I had transportation) so he has all he needs to start North Idaho collage next month. Took a ride to my favorite trails in the forest and shot myself in the head. First time in 20 years and thousands of rounds of ammunition that the gun failed. As I sat there trying to eject the bullet so the next would load, God said, very loudly. “Stop it! Go home!” The entire forest became silent! I cried for hours asking his forgiveness while trying to walk out and realized there must be hope! God spared me my life. I commited suicide and he would not let me die! Although I have prayed for healing my brain I still suffer. It is torrment to be awake but God wants me to live, I don't know why he wants me to suffer?
Then I drove to Spokane and got in the Methadone treatment there. They said $100. covers the entire plan plus your insurance... I can't belive it? There is hope! I almost killed myself and there is hope!They called back next week and said sorry we are no longer taking Idaho Medicaid and it will be $400. a month. May as well be $40,000 a month Since I don't have a vehicle that will make it back and forth to Spokane, let alone gas bill this is just endless and hopeless! Or did you talk to them as well? I ask because I give them all my medical records when I go. It's all from you. No wonder all my efforts to get help fail! Your still screwing me aren't you? Why? If you wanted me dead then just come shoot me. I have offered you this once before, please just shoot me!
Just before I got the last cancellation from Spokane Methadone treatment I was back in insomnia so they said go to Sacred heart emergency room. Same diagnoses, methadone and consoling and they called Methadone treatment to verify my appointment and give me enough methadone to make it through. But that runs out Monday, today... I have exhausted all avenues. It's endless and hopeless.
I am truly sorry I asked for an early refill. It has ruined what little I had left in life. Methadone gives me a normal pain free life. It also fixs my brain. But I did not want to get physically addicted to another drug because I have no trust in you that you would be there for me. So as we talked about it I took the methadone for 20 days a month and suffered the other 10. What a horrible life! But as you said I don't car how you take it, just don't ask for an early refill. But at least I never went through the withdrawals ALONE with nightmares and insomnia again, yet. Just the normal severe depression, back pain, nightmares and hopelessness. Then I get to have 20 days of life each month. But as I expected you took the first opportunity to get rid of me. You have never been the same since this all started, I could see that. Sure enough you just threw me out with the trash again. Was an early refill, two days, really the reason? I had been doing fine until my back popped during my 10 day off time. You denied me treatment again and it cost Medicaid an emergency room visit. Like I had come to expect, you were not there for me and took the opportunity to dump me again. Why? Even though I have been looking for a doctor since you let me rot in bed and suffer for months the first time, doctors that take Medicaid and Medicare look at my medical records and say sorry, not someone we will accept. One doctor from Sandpoint who has tried and tried to get me help because he feels so bad he made me an appointment but they do not accept patients from Coeur d'Alene. He has helped me quite a bit with understanding what happened to me. He said he doubts I will ever get a doctor in CDA as there are the same amount of doctors here as there were 10 years ago. So they are not going to take damaged goods. People like me are dependant on the emergency room, but because of you I get nothing there anymore either.
So now I have several doctors and counselors tell me what's wrong. Why did you not tell me what was happening to me? Were you hoping I would just die? Because I feel like I am going to die. I get panic/anxity attacks so often for so long my body and mind don't even react to them anymore, it's just the electrical shock or adrenaline spike or whatever happens, happens and I just sit there as these shocks go from my brain through my chest into my arms. Sometimes hundreds of them a day. I had to take lorzapam constantly for the first several months after/during withdrawals. But I guess my body and mind can't take anymore, I'm just numb. The only time these go away is when I am on methadone. Why? What is happening to me?
Speaking of Methadone, why would you prescribe SO much to a person who has not been on Narcotics for 5 months? Were you trying to kill me? Luckily I talked to the pharmacist and she recommended to titrate up from 5mg. This would be prescription procedure. She explained how long and slow methadone works and worried by the time I took the third 10MG for the first day I would be going to sleep and die. I took her instructions and still almost died the first day after 20mg, 5mg every eight hours. I just can't comprehend how you could make a horrible mistake. Unless it was your wife or receptionist writing the prescription again from there pile of signed prescriptions from you? She stated your doctor must think you have a high tolerance for narcotics? So did you write this prescription to kill me? Or was it written from your wifes stash of signed prescriptions?
Couple more questions. Why was I taking high blood pressure medicine? No one else knows as I do not have high blood pressure. Even after being off this medication for 2 weeks, still normal blood pressure.
Why were you prescribing 90mg a day of Cymbalta? Max dosage is 60mg a day. Has this caused me more brain damage? I took three months to wean off this drug and can not tell the difference. After it was done I had asked my closest friend and they saw no difference. So that's another drug I am off of that did no good. Just like all the other anti depressants and lorzapam you prescribed to cover up my narcotic depression/brain damage.
Anyway my counselor said I should sue your ass off but I won't. God has said be defrauded and suffer. Well you sure have frauded me and I am suffering! God also said vengeance is mine! So I try to be righteous and follow his word. If you did something wrong then that's between you and him. I just want my life back.
The only thing I am concerned with is finding treatment for my diagnosed condition and the counseling that needs to go along with it. Without both it will never work. Methadone gives me my life back, I can be a good father a good husband and lead an ordinary life, but it's just a patch without psychiatric help. Even worse now that I know what you did, how can I ever be completely normal knowing that a doctor can do this and get away with it? I'll never trust anyone again for as long as I live. So there's more permanent mental damage from your lack of medical treatment.
I think my counselor was right! I feel better already I have written you and let this all out. I did nothing wrong and don't deserve the suffering I have already been through let alone the suffering that will start again this week. Can you believe that a months worth of Methadone without any insurance is $6. Six bucks a month. I have seriously considered selling my home and abandoning my family so I could move to the Mexican border. In Mexico you can get Methadone each month for the cost of a doctors appointment there. $30. So far the only option I have still open is $400. a month and $20. worth of gas six days a week $120.to Spokane plus whatever repairs my cars need to keep going. Without repairs that's $880. a month which leaves me $220. to live on for the month. So that is just a dream. Endless and hopless for a six dollar prescription. But then again why should I have to go through all this when I should be able to get meds and phyciactric help here in town. Oh it's because you told the emergency room not to! Had you told me what I was suffering from, and received some consoling along with the methadone I may have recovered by now. But instead I have gone through ups and downs of Methadone for 7 months trying not to get physically addicted. Approved by you! Disastrous consequences from a psychiatrist point of view!
The last time you dumped me you asked if I wanted a referral. I said yes, who will take me, I have already looked all over CDA? You never answered. Well I have been looking since then and still no one wants damaged goods.
My counselor wanted me to tell you that you were part of creating these demons and you are also responsible for treating these demons. It is against the law to dump a patient during treatment. She said I should no longer have to search and beg for help. That I have already done way to much to help myself and it is obvious you have deliberately denied me proper treatment. It was always your responsibility to take care of me, not just because it's the right thing to do but because the laws state so.
I am only trying to clear my conscience of these things in my therapy to help myself. I really don't give a **** about you anymore. Just understanding that I have brain damage (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) and no one in CDA will even tell me that but one call to Spokane and this was all explained to me. I have been looking for help for over a year and even the hospital is covering for you. With proper methadone treatment and counseling I may be able to recover and even get off Methadone someday, some have to take it forever! As screwed up as I have been for this long I don't think it is possible to ever fully recover from the mental torrment you caused me on purpose. If you had provided me with proper medical treatment when I was having a nervous breakdown then, I would have been fine a long time ago. But now I am still suffering everyday, constant worry, endless and hopeless. Sometimes being without methadone and being brain dead is better than my brain working and realizing how bad you screwed me on purpose. You probably didn't think I would get this bad and I have suffered for over a year and still going! Because why? Please tell me why you deliberately chose to make me suffer? Why?
Since everyone calls you when I go to the emergency room I am asking you for a referral to a doctor who will take care of me! Actually I don't need a referral. My counselor has told me by law you are required to take care of me even after discharge or until a referring physician accepts me. So far you have not done that and it has caused me more suffering and a great deal of money pursuing medical help in three states. Your reputation here in town has me blacklisted from any help for the conditions you created! The way it was explained to me is if they diagnose it, then they have to treat it or it's malpractice. This explains why no one in town would tell me what's wrong with me. If they did they would have to treat it and would be screwing you into a malpractice.
So how are you going to take care of this? I have no intentions of filing a complaint or lawsuit, that would be retaliation and I do not want to be like you. That’s between you and God. If all this is true I would not want to be you. I have told my counselor not to file any complaints as well. I think you just ****** up and are now covering it up. Whatever your problem is, I don't care! I just want medical treatment for the conditions I have that you created. I want my life back NOW! You have made me suffer long enough!
I do expect a response from you on this letter. Don't ignore it like my phone calls. That will really **** me off now that I know what you did and what is happening to me. You have shown me your retaliation and made me suffer a long time. I do not want to be like you! My counselor is also waiting for a reply to this letter to make sure I get the medical treatment needed. If not she has to make a report as required by law. You would not like what she has to say about you and how many laws you have broken.
How hard would it be for you to get me treatment? One phone call? Pretty easy from my point of view. Just be a doctor and get me the help I need.
Pateint name removed...
Please if you know of a malpractice attorney forward this letter to see if they can help me?
This was three months ago...
Dr Benson, (of Kootenai Medical Center Coeur d'Alene Idaho)
I have called you several times with no reply as expected. I am stuck on this situation and need to deal with it if I am ever going to move on. You have hidden the fact I have Post Acute Withdrawl Syndrome for over a year and just let me suffer.
I trusted you with my life for approx. 8 years and at the worst time in my life you threw me out with the trash. Your wife told me “ Mark, come on! We all saw it coming!” We were talking about my nervous breakdown that I did not realize was happening. On top of this you allowed me to go cold turkey off Oxycontin use for 1 ½ years. My counselor and 2 doctors have told me this was stupid and no doctor would ever take this chance. Why did you?
Oxycodone and Oxycontin both state in the information sheet that a long slow taper is the only way to avoid painful withdrawls symptoms. Did you ever read this?
What did I do to you that you would make me suffer so bad for so long? Even till this day I just want to die! No will to live like this!
I appreciate your help with getting me in the hospital. But why? My second day there the doctor told me the hospital has no treatment plan for withdrawals. I kept telling her something is wrong, I need help. Yet all she was concerned with was my walking outside. Actually is was a frantic run after I awoke from a nightmare and was still in it! She was still not concerned with my nightmare or my pleading for help because something was wrong. With no treatment plan for withdrawals I could not understand why I was there? Why was I there?
The day before you had offered to taper, I said I have done this a dozen times before so I think I can do it again. But I could not. Something was wrong. As I told you several times before but you never did anything? Why? Specific phrases I used were “I am a wreck!” This was also the same day I told you I was down to 30 MG four times a day as it took two weeks to get there and nothing changed. I was still a wreck. I asked you to refill my 30mg Oxy pills and you were furious and gave me a prescription for 80 OxyContins. Why? But I still trusted you and resumed a higher dose. No change, still a wreck!
You knew why the entire time I was having a nervous breakdown yet never told me, never made any attempt to fix me and never made an attempt to get me psychiatric help. Why?
Back to the hospital while I was having a nightmare of being in HELL. No fire in HELL just cold damp dark and you know your there because of the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and you know it's for eternity! My wife said “Mark, Mark! You have to get out of here! That's when I awoke only to find I was still in HELL. The hospital room was all dark grey rocks, it was cold and damp but had a door which I ran for then fell flat on my face because my legs were so weak I could barely stand so I crawled out the door and found a chair to help me up and my legs could barely hold my weight and move but as long as I was moving the hallway got lighter and seemed I was making my way out of HELL. When I got outside everything seemed all right as I laid on the bench in the sun. That's when my wife said “are you OK?” I said” yes now that you woke me and I got out of there, she was confused because she just got there, I thought she was with me the entire time.
It took at least an hour to work up courage to go back inside the hospital. I had already decided that you were correct and a taper was the only option. When I returned the nurse asked me to sign a waiver so I could go outside and I did. I also told her about the nightmare and she would tell the doctor. Doctor shows up and tells me it is against hospital policy to leave the floor. These were her first words, nothing about me telling everyone something is wrong, nothing about my nightmare. I told her she was wrong about hospital policy and I just signed a wavier. Now will you help me? She said no. No? Why would a doctor say no when your asking for help? I then asked why she would not help me? She said I could be going outside and drinking beer. Now I am having a hard enough time with reality but this was very hard to comprehend as I wanted to be off this medicine and blaming it for my depresion and crying (although it was not the medicine, it was a nervous breakdown). I also told her I have not drank alcohol since 1986... she wanted a urine test. I told her I looked for the sample cup in the bathroom twice when I went in there and could not find it? The nurse said it was there. The doctor was obviously pissed off by now and went and looked for herself and guess what? No sample cup. I told her I have nothing to hide, I need help! What do you want to know about my urine and I will tell you what's in there, you can then check for yourself and find out. She left the room and I started packing.
I have told you this before in an attempt to explain my behavior. But it did not seem to make a difference. I said something was wrong? I said I was a wreck! Did you not see me suffering? You were talking about it to your wife! How could you do this to me? At that point in my life I still had full confidence in you as a doctor and trusted you with my life. All you had to do is tell me what to do! That's it! I was telling you I was a wreck. I told you something is wrong! I would have done anything you said. But you just abandoned me.
I went home and called you to get a tapering dose refill. I waited all day just to get a call from you saying you will never give me another narcotic, did you see what I did to you? And your in pain? Tough! This is when I knew my nightmare were real and the phrase I told you the second time you discharged me came from “hopeless and endless”. It's been a year and a half and nothing has changed, it's still endless and hopeless. My back still hurts all the time but it is nothing compared to my brain hurting. The first time you discharged me was for filing a compliant your nurse told you. I did not file a complaint, all I did was follow your colleges advice and talk to you and tell you to follow guidelines and treat a patient. Also read on internet it is illegal for you to do anything to retaliate against me if I did file a complaint. I don't even know who to file a complaint with?
At first I thought you were just hurting as you said several times “Did you see what I did to you?” I tried to forgive you and said “no, what?” and “you need to get over this, I need help and your the only one that knows me and have covered my medical care for 8 years. I don't think you did anything wrong, but you did. Why? I even told you it was because I stopped taking Cymbalta trying to ease your pain and take blame myself. But still nothing! Why?
But after that I think you did a lot wrong. First you knew I was having a nervous breakdown and did nothing! You offered me to taper and I said OK but I have done this before so lets try. You let me! This was so wrong and you knew it! All you had to do is say “Mark, don't do this” or Mark, (insert anything) and I would have followed your advice! Then when it was obvious to me SOMETHING IS WRONG and the only way I will make it through this is taper. The next thing you did wrong was not let me taper! This was not only wrong in so many ways it shows you wanted to make me suffer! This is when the retaliation started, you were pissed! I guess it's from my actions at the hospital, I am so sorry I was having a nervous breakdown, going through withdrawals and having nightmares of being in hell. Had you, my doctor treated me for the nervous breakdown I would have never needed the hospital.
Your next mistake and I say mistake but I believe it was retaliation was to let me suffer for months. I don't remember much of the first 2 months, just laying in bed and trying to sleep as much as possible. I got used to the nightmare of being in HELL everytime I woke up. It was not nearly as bad as the HELL I was living while awake. I thought it had been a couple weeks but my family informed me it has been months. Think it can't get any worse? Ha! That's when the insomnia takes over. I went to the emergency room looking for help again because you were no help. All they gave me was Remeron. I have not had one minute of natural sleep since then. Just 3-5 hours sleep a day on Remeron for over a year. You chose to let me suffer and I am still paying for it today and there's no help in site. It was about 5 months of hell before you gave me Methadone for pain, IT FIXED MY DEPRESION!!! I told you but you never answed why? Why? After searching for help for over a year and spending most of my life in bed crying I knew why, the doctors in Spokane told me why. Why would you not tell me why so I could get help? Why did you not get me help?
That's when I realized I will never get any help through hospital because two things, first I was in there for withdrawals and left. You should have never let me go there! Now they just look at me as a drug addict and nothing else. You should see the look on doctors faces after they read my medical records. I wrote you a letter telling you to have that removed so I could get medical treatment there. But you refused, it is still there, I still suffer and there is no help at KMC because of my record. It's like being a felon, screwed for life! Second if they diagnosed me it would come back on you as not treating me for a nervous breakdown and the suffering you put me through for months, now years! It's obvious you have a great reputation as a doctor, I thought you were the best doctor in the world and counted you as a blessing from God. Even when the emergency room doctors says I think the best treatment for you is Methadone treatment and counseling. The emergency room case worker says she will set everything up and gives me a prescription for five days, come Tuesday when I call, everything has been dropped because they talked to you. Endless and hopeless! Why did you do that to me? I finally got help and you squashed it with one phone call. Why?
Since then I have tried Sandpoint and got an appointment with a pain management and chemical dependency doctor, drove to Sandpoint just to find out they made a mistake, they do not treat patients from Coeur d'Alene. Or did you talk to them too? Endless and hopeless!
I got an appointment with same type doctor in Lewiston. They called three days before appointment and said they are no longer taking Coeur d'Alene. Or did you talk to them as well?
I have not had a life since this. All I can think of is finding a doctor to take care of me before you dump me. I lost that race as well. Now I am beyond desperation and realize it is really endless and hopeless. I had written a letter and signed my house over to my son. Left my wife power of attorneys for anything she needed. Gave my son all my tools and my antique car (gift from a friend so I had transportation) so he has all he needs to start North Idaho collage next month. Took a ride to my favorite trails in the forest and shot myself in the head. First time in 20 years and thousands of rounds of ammunition that the gun failed. As I sat there trying to eject the bullet so the next would load, God said, very loudly. “Stop it! Go home!” The entire forest became silent! I cried for hours asking his forgiveness while trying to walk out and realized there must be hope! God spared me my life. I commited suicide and he would not let me die! Although I have prayed for healing my brain I still suffer. It is torrment to be awake but God wants me to live, I don't know why he wants me to suffer?
Then I drove to Spokane and got in the Methadone treatment there. They said $100. covers the entire plan plus your insurance... I can't belive it? There is hope! I almost killed myself and there is hope!They called back next week and said sorry we are no longer taking Idaho Medicaid and it will be $400. a month. May as well be $40,000 a month Since I don't have a vehicle that will make it back and forth to Spokane, let alone gas bill this is just endless and hopeless! Or did you talk to them as well? I ask because I give them all my medical records when I go. It's all from you. No wonder all my efforts to get help fail! Your still screwing me aren't you? Why? If you wanted me dead then just come shoot me. I have offered you this once before, please just shoot me!
Just before I got the last cancellation from Spokane Methadone treatment I was back in insomnia so they said go to Sacred heart emergency room. Same diagnoses, methadone and consoling and they called Methadone treatment to verify my appointment and give me enough methadone to make it through. But that runs out Monday, today... I have exhausted all avenues. It's endless and hopeless.
I am truly sorry I asked for an early refill. It has ruined what little I had left in life. Methadone gives me a normal pain free life. It also fixs my brain. But I did not want to get physically addicted to another drug because I have no trust in you that you would be there for me. So as we talked about it I took the methadone for 20 days a month and suffered the other 10. What a horrible life! But as you said I don't car how you take it, just don't ask for an early refill. But at least I never went through the withdrawals ALONE with nightmares and insomnia again, yet. Just the normal severe depression, back pain, nightmares and hopelessness. Then I get to have 20 days of life each month. But as I expected you took the first opportunity to get rid of me. You have never been the same since this all started, I could see that. Sure enough you just threw me out with the trash again. Was an early refill, two days, really the reason? I had been doing fine until my back popped during my 10 day off time. You denied me treatment again and it cost Medicaid an emergency room visit. Like I had come to expect, you were not there for me and took the opportunity to dump me again. Why? Even though I have been looking for a doctor since you let me rot in bed and suffer for months the first time, doctors that take Medicaid and Medicare look at my medical records and say sorry, not someone we will accept. One doctor from Sandpoint who has tried and tried to get me help because he feels so bad he made me an appointment but they do not accept patients from Coeur d'Alene. He has helped me quite a bit with understanding what happened to me. He said he doubts I will ever get a doctor in CDA as there are the same amount of doctors here as there were 10 years ago. So they are not going to take damaged goods. People like me are dependant on the emergency room, but because of you I get nothing there anymore either.
So now I have several doctors and counselors tell me what's wrong. Why did you not tell me what was happening to me? Were you hoping I would just die? Because I feel like I am going to die. I get panic/anxity attacks so often for so long my body and mind don't even react to them anymore, it's just the electrical shock or adrenaline spike or whatever happens, happens and I just sit there as these shocks go from my brain through my chest into my arms. Sometimes hundreds of them a day. I had to take lorzapam constantly for the first several months after/during withdrawals. But I guess my body and mind can't take anymore, I'm just numb. The only time these go away is when I am on methadone. Why? What is happening to me?
Speaking of Methadone, why would you prescribe SO much to a person who has not been on Narcotics for 5 months? Were you trying to kill me? Luckily I talked to the pharmacist and she recommended to titrate up from 5mg. This would be prescription procedure. She explained how long and slow methadone works and worried by the time I took the third 10MG for the first day I would be going to sleep and die. I took her instructions and still almost died the first day after 20mg, 5mg every eight hours. I just can't comprehend how you could make a horrible mistake. Unless it was your wife or receptionist writing the prescription again from there pile of signed prescriptions from you? She stated your doctor must think you have a high tolerance for narcotics? So did you write this prescription to kill me? Or was it written from your wifes stash of signed prescriptions?
Couple more questions. Why was I taking high blood pressure medicine? No one else knows as I do not have high blood pressure. Even after being off this medication for 2 weeks, still normal blood pressure.
Why were you prescribing 90mg a day of Cymbalta? Max dosage is 60mg a day. Has this caused me more brain damage? I took three months to wean off this drug and can not tell the difference. After it was done I had asked my closest friend and they saw no difference. So that's another drug I am off of that did no good. Just like all the other anti depressants and lorzapam you prescribed to cover up my narcotic depression/brain damage.
Anyway my counselor said I should sue your ass off but I won't. God has said be defrauded and suffer. Well you sure have frauded me and I am suffering! God also said vengeance is mine! So I try to be righteous and follow his word. If you did something wrong then that's between you and him. I just want my life back.
The only thing I am concerned with is finding treatment for my diagnosed condition and the counseling that needs to go along with it. Without both it will never work. Methadone gives me my life back, I can be a good father a good husband and lead an ordinary life, but it's just a patch without psychiatric help. Even worse now that I know what you did, how can I ever be completely normal knowing that a doctor can do this and get away with it? I'll never trust anyone again for as long as I live. So there's more permanent mental damage from your lack of medical treatment.
I think my counselor was right! I feel better already I have written you and let this all out. I did nothing wrong and don't deserve the suffering I have already been through let alone the suffering that will start again this week. Can you believe that a months worth of Methadone without any insurance is $6. Six bucks a month. I have seriously considered selling my home and abandoning my family so I could move to the Mexican border. In Mexico you can get Methadone each month for the cost of a doctors appointment there. $30. So far the only option I have still open is $400. a month and $20. worth of gas six days a week $120.to Spokane plus whatever repairs my cars need to keep going. Without repairs that's $880. a month which leaves me $220. to live on for the month. So that is just a dream. Endless and hopless for a six dollar prescription. But then again why should I have to go through all this when I should be able to get meds and phyciactric help here in town. Oh it's because you told the emergency room not to! Had you told me what I was suffering from, and received some consoling along with the methadone I may have recovered by now. But instead I have gone through ups and downs of Methadone for 7 months trying not to get physically addicted. Approved by you! Disastrous consequences from a psychiatrist point of view!
The last time you dumped me you asked if I wanted a referral. I said yes, who will take me, I have already looked all over CDA? You never answered. Well I have been looking since then and still no one wants damaged goods.
My counselor wanted me to tell you that you were part of creating these demons and you are also responsible for treating these demons. It is against the law to dump a patient during treatment. She said I should no longer have to search and beg for help. That I have already done way to much to help myself and it is obvious you have deliberately denied me proper treatment. It was always your responsibility to take care of me, not just because it's the right thing to do but because the laws state so.
I am only trying to clear my conscience of these things in my therapy to help myself. I really don't give a **** about you anymore. Just understanding that I have brain damage (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) and no one in CDA will even tell me that but one call to Spokane and this was all explained to me. I have been looking for help for over a year and even the hospital is covering for you. With proper methadone treatment and counseling I may be able to recover and even get off Methadone someday, some have to take it forever! As screwed up as I have been for this long I don't think it is possible to ever fully recover from the mental torrment you caused me on purpose. If you had provided me with proper medical treatment when I was having a nervous breakdown then, I would have been fine a long time ago. But now I am still suffering everyday, constant worry, endless and hopeless. Sometimes being without methadone and being brain dead is better than my brain working and realizing how bad you screwed me on purpose. You probably didn't think I would get this bad and I have suffered for over a year and still going! Because why? Please tell me why you deliberately chose to make me suffer? Why?
Since everyone calls you when I go to the emergency room I am asking you for a referral to a doctor who will take care of me! Actually I don't need a referral. My counselor has told me by law you are required to take care of me even after discharge or until a referring physician accepts me. So far you have not done that and it has caused me more suffering and a great deal of money pursuing medical help in three states. Your reputation here in town has me blacklisted from any help for the conditions you created! The way it was explained to me is if they diagnose it, then they have to treat it or it's malpractice. This explains why no one in town would tell me what's wrong with me. If they did they would have to treat it and would be screwing you into a malpractice.
So how are you going to take care of this? I have no intentions of filing a complaint or lawsuit, that would be retaliation and I do not want to be like you. That’s between you and God. If all this is true I would not want to be you. I have told my counselor not to file any complaints as well. I think you just ****** up and are now covering it up. Whatever your problem is, I don't care! I just want medical treatment for the conditions I have that you created. I want my life back NOW! You have made me suffer long enough!
I do expect a response from you on this letter. Don't ignore it like my phone calls. That will really **** me off now that I know what you did and what is happening to me. You have shown me your retaliation and made me suffer a long time. I do not want to be like you! My counselor is also waiting for a reply to this letter to make sure I get the medical treatment needed. If not she has to make a report as required by law. You would not like what she has to say about you and how many laws you have broken.
How hard would it be for you to get me treatment? One phone call? Pretty easy from my point of view. Just be a doctor and get me the help I need.
Pateint name removed...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Have your considered inpatient treatment? Have you considered that the drugs have totally skewed your perception and that it is time to surrender to any kind of inpatient treatment you can obtain?
Have you considered that there aren't really drug dealers in NA focusing on giving you drugs, and that there are simply people in the rooms who have been where you have been and might be trying to help you.
Have you considered the possibility that the things you wrote in you letter to your doctor could be wrong? Can you consider the possibility that you are wrong?
I couldn't image being wrong about my drug use. Until I got inpatient treatment. I realized I was wrong, and could be wrong, about a lot of things.
Almost everything, actually.
Have you considered that there aren't really drug dealers in NA focusing on giving you drugs, and that there are simply people in the rooms who have been where you have been and might be trying to help you.
Have you considered the possibility that the things you wrote in you letter to your doctor could be wrong? Can you consider the possibility that you are wrong?
I couldn't image being wrong about my drug use. Until I got inpatient treatment. I realized I was wrong, and could be wrong, about a lot of things.
Almost everything, actually.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 44
I have been looking for in patenit treatment for months.
I can't beleive what has happened to me, still don't. But freinds and family are here to verify everything I said in that letter to be true,I checked before I sent it.
Nothing is real to me anymore? I don't feel alive, just walking dead cursed to suffering with no hope. I have no trust in any doctor in this town because every doctor out of town has same diagnosis, some say what has happened to me is beyond malpractice and into crimanal.
I know I need mental help, I took a 3 hour screening for the appointment above and the consoler said I need emergency mental health treatment. Then physchatrist calls and says he can't help. He is on hospital doctor list. They all must stick together.
Some day I will find a way to expose them and hopefully ruin their lives right out of their profession so they can never do this again to anyone!
But right now I am on no drugs, nothing feels real, nothing has felt good or enjoyable since this began, at best I have four hours sleep a night, right now I have had 4 hours sleep in 2 days, anxeity/panic attacks are constant and I don't even flinch, numb, dead, hopeless. When I do sleep I usually wake up sceaming, I'm told, I don't remember.
Maybe if I would have found this place and knew about PAWS before a year of tramatic experiances all blown off by doctors I would be sane. Right now I don't know what's real, I don't even fell like I am in myself anymore, but I see what's happeneing.
I think I need to blow my weining of lorzapam from 6mg a day to 2mg in 8 weeks and take 4mg to just knock myself out for a few hours. Last 2 days I only took 2mg once a day to sleep and only got 2 hours, it's getting worse, I used to get 4 hours? I have no idea what's right anymore, I'm really lost.
My wife has an appointment with prosicuter tomorrow... maybe he can talk some sense into hospital, but they can't change now, they would be admitting wrong doing... it's all my fault. Which I have offered to say and sign a waiver to get help. No reply!
I can't beleive what has happened to me, still don't. But freinds and family are here to verify everything I said in that letter to be true,I checked before I sent it.
Nothing is real to me anymore? I don't feel alive, just walking dead cursed to suffering with no hope. I have no trust in any doctor in this town because every doctor out of town has same diagnosis, some say what has happened to me is beyond malpractice and into crimanal.
I know I need mental help, I took a 3 hour screening for the appointment above and the consoler said I need emergency mental health treatment. Then physchatrist calls and says he can't help. He is on hospital doctor list. They all must stick together.
Some day I will find a way to expose them and hopefully ruin their lives right out of their profession so they can never do this again to anyone!
But right now I am on no drugs, nothing feels real, nothing has felt good or enjoyable since this began, at best I have four hours sleep a night, right now I have had 4 hours sleep in 2 days, anxeity/panic attacks are constant and I don't even flinch, numb, dead, hopeless. When I do sleep I usually wake up sceaming, I'm told, I don't remember.
Maybe if I would have found this place and knew about PAWS before a year of tramatic experiances all blown off by doctors I would be sane. Right now I don't know what's real, I don't even fell like I am in myself anymore, but I see what's happeneing.
I think I need to blow my weining of lorzapam from 6mg a day to 2mg in 8 weeks and take 4mg to just knock myself out for a few hours. Last 2 days I only took 2mg once a day to sleep and only got 2 hours, it's getting worse, I used to get 4 hours? I have no idea what's right anymore, I'm really lost.
My wife has an appointment with prosicuter tomorrow... maybe he can talk some sense into hospital, but they can't change now, they would be admitting wrong doing... it's all my fault. Which I have offered to say and sign a waiver to get help. No reply!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
