Bamboozle

Probably not, but here goes:

I was worried about getting fired from my job for a screw-up, but looks like that's okay...except I screwed up again at work...thinking that I had done something when I clearly hadn't...and this being a time sensitive thing, I got a lecture yesterday. They're not happy.

Today there's an advertisement in the paper for the job position. Maybe they're looking because they're fully staffed upstairs...or maybe because they've been trying to find another person for the position ever since I've been there because there should be more people. Obviously I'm freaking out because of the timing--maybe they really are going to can my a$$.

For those who don't know, I have depression (and anxiety). I've had to miss several days of work because of my mental state and have had to leave early or come late for appointments. My mind is completely disorganized--I'm having really bad memory and just plain cognitive problems. The memory problems are causing me to royally screw up at work. I can't snap my fingers and make my brain normal. I'm doing my best to look like I have it together (and I'm failing miserably). I don't know what to do. And I can't go back to fast food or any other menial job--it would make my mental state even worse.

I seriously doubt I'd qualify for disability--I don't have the money to fight for it, anyways. I still haven't seen a new therapist. I had called for an appointment and they cancelled it the night before. After getting screwed over by my last therapist, I wasn't very happy and my confidence in the system was shaken yet again. I need to talk to someone, but I don't trust anyone. My doctor isn't much help, either. I've been through 3 in the last few months, all because they are residents and get shifted around frequently. I need some kind of stability.

24hrsAday

Hey, Bam.. the situation at your work place may not be as bad as you are thinking. however, remember* we can only do the best we can on any given day.. don't assume that you are out of options. i don't like or trust the system myself.. but.. i have found (several times) in sobriety that an answer i THOUGHT i knew was completely WRONG! live and learn as they say..

Bamboozle

That's what my mom tells me...I tend to think worse case scenario.

Pumpkin Soup

I can relate to your frame of mind - ive only recently realised (apart from the more major drinking issue which is now 4 months behind me) that I have been suffering from severe depression which has affected my mental functioning and whilst there have been no major problems at work I know I can do better if I am healthy.

I am lucky my manager suffers from it too and I have been able to talk to her about it this week and they are understanding.

I am presuming you are in the states so laws etc will be different there but is there anyone at work you can talk to about this?

Opivotal

Hi Bamboozle...I'd try not to worry too much. Your Boss had an opportunity to fire you and he didn't. Try not to stress yourself sick.

If you apply for disability ....or find yourself in that position, the Lawyers do it for FREE!
They collect their cut when you win or get approved. No worries there.




Best Wishes To You!

defyinggravity

I'm with opivotal on this one...your boss had the chance to fire you and didn't - he already knew what had happened going into that lecture meeting (also, that would be a really quick turnaround for a job position to be advertised if it really is related to you - and you gave two completely logical reasons for it being advertised). Try not to worry. I can relate...I'm always certain that I'm being kicked out of my program/fired on any given day because of something I've done. Hang in there and good luck!!

Oh, and just to throw this in there - I hear you about not trusting the system, therapists, etc...but there are some REALLY great therapists out there who can really help. I wish you luck in finding one if you plan to search for another - mine does me a world of good (and I don't fully trust anyone either - not even her - but she's helping me learn to)

Fandy

i'm sorry to hear that you are so distressed...both about work and finding a good doc. to work with....Residents change their rotations every month so they will be reliying on the notes in yoru patient chart...be sure to voice your concerns so it's noted in your file.

I agree that you may be over-thinking right now because you are worried. i hope things work out for the best....try to focus on something else for the weekend at least so you can feel better and get out of your head.

Bamboozle

This is not recommended:

I stopped taking my pills. I'm tired of the memory problems--the memory problems are negatively affecting my work performance. I've also noticed that being on these things I have no chance of losing weight--I'm eating all the time and I'm getting fatter--not good for my health. I've been crying this morning--it has been a few days since I last had one, but I don't care. Let them see how f*cked up I am. This ought to be interesting.

Wish I could find a doctor who actually listens to me when I say that these things are f*cking up my mind. Is it even possible to get relief from depression without giving up cognitive abilities? Do you know how f*cking stupid I feel right now? I'm crossing my fingers and hoping there isn't any permanent damage.

Lenina

Bam,

I've had the same problems with anti depressants. My body just couldn't take the side effects. I don't know if this is an idea for you but have you tried herbal supplements? You might see a Chinese Medicine doctor for a diagnosis and treatment plan. This helped me.

Love to you and hope you feel better soon.

Lenina

nandm

This will probably not fix your depression but you might find it may play a role in it. Over the past few years studies have shown a link between depression and vit D levels. Have you had your vit D levels checked? My psych doc did mine a year or so ago and they were extremely low. It took nearly a year to bring them into the normal range. I don't know how much help it has been with my depression but I feel that for me taking a simple vitamin that might help a little with my depression is worth it for me. Plus the negative effects of low vitamin D levels include increased risk of bone fractures among other things. So might be worth getting checked if you have not.

Live

(((((((BAM))))))))))))))

Bam, I HATE feeling stupid. The memory and cognition impairments are real...they can come from both the illness and the meds. It really does handicap me. That is a hard pill to swallow.

I am depression free today for the first time in more than 3 years.
That normal feeling is cause for exuberance, gratitude and just plain sense of wonderment in me. I am AMAZED!!! why? Because the struggle has been and gone on for so very very long.
If it can happen to me, it can happen to you. Please don't give up the fight.

I gained 75 pounds. yuck. From a skinny sexy lady to a big blob. But I have to make a decision about what I would trade off if I went off my meds. For me that is a risk I cannot afford to take.

So please monitor yourself carefully and keep your well-being and sense of self protection first and foremost.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Toronto68

Bam, at this stage are you planning on getting in front of somebody again to talk about these SRRIs (or whatever) that you don't like? You would think there would be an understanding on the part of doctors that certain SSRIs have weird effects on people (whereas they work wonders for other people). Would you be facing a brick wall or would you end up getting another resident?

NYCDoglvr

Very bad idea. I think it's important to really deal with the depression and fighting to see a good psychiatrist who can get you on the right medication. I've been treated for depression for most of my life. Went off one med (under doctor's supervision) and it was so bad I couldn't get out of bed! But when the right meds kicked in I function better than I have in my whole life.

Depression is a horrible disease. The distorted thinking (I call it "depression-think") can result in making terrible choices than can destroy your life. Like stop taking medication.

God bless!