firecallie

I haven't seen my mom in over a week. I'm afraid she's going down fast. Do I go see her even though she's drunk (and not at all like herself) or do I stick with what I said and not see her when she's been drinking and risk not seeing her again and she dies?

tjp613

Well, that's totally a personal decision but you have to ask yourself: why did you create the boundary in the first place? If you created it with the 'proper' intent of protecting yourself from the pain of watching her die from alcoholism, then you probably should stick with the boundary! If I were in your shoes I'd attend daily alanon meetings and I'd pray for the strength to detach. I'd also pray for her as a way to connect with her on the spiritual level. I'd work very hard on accepting that I may never see her alive again. I would journal.

I am very, very sorry you are in such pain. I'm glad you are here.

firecallie

Thanks tjp. Sigh, i'm so torn. I think if I go over there I might end up calling 911 and seeing if they will put her in the hospital...I don't know if I can handle going over there

wellnowwhat

No E, S or H to share on your situation. Sending you hugs and my hope you find acceptance of whatever path you choose.

firecallie

Well she won't let me see her. I decided to call county department of human services and left a message for one of her doctors (which she refuses to go see anymore). I don't think I will hear anything until Monday. She doesn't want help, she doesn't want anyone to step in. All she wants is for everyone to leave her alone.

People say it's an illness and I believe that, but she made the consious choice to drink and continue drinking after she realized she had a problem. Early on she could have made the concious choice to go get help, after I begged and pleaded with her and took a day off of work to take her. I'm angry, i'm sad, I feel that I wasn't enough to stop her from spiraling downward.

tjp613

All addicts have people in their lives that love them yet continue to spiral downward. Love is not enough to stop it otherwise there would be no need for this board.

She has asked to be left alone and she has not asked for your help. Can you respect her wishes (boundaries)?

firecallie

tjp...she has asked, begged, pleaded for me to do nothing and just leave her be. Can I deal with her dying and me not doing anything. Can I deal with never ever seeing her again?

Everyone says she is SO bad and that it is clear she is dying. I called police and they said that they cannot force her to get medical attention. I have no doubt her body is failing her but I can't go over there and see her body shutting down and her talking to me like everything is fine. By the same token I wonder if I will always feel regret if she dies without me seeing her one last time. Would I be okay just telling her "I love you" on the phone and not feel guilty about not seeing her.

She tells me she doesn't want me to come over. I don't know what to do...I just need someone to tell me what to do and I know that nobody can. I don't want to go through this...

chicory

Do what you think you can live with sweetie. try to have no regrets, about what ever you decide. It is a terrible situation, i know. you cant stop her from drinking. you cant make her want to change. do what you feel is humane, loving, and right. what you will have to live with .
sending hugs
chicory

Willybluedog

I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through, in my opinion (and you know what they say about opnions) you have to do what you know in your heart you can live with.

But, will it make a difference either way, will it assuage your guilt, will it change anything, will you be able to let go? You are walking a hard road but you are not alone, I cannot tell you what to do only what I did.

I know for myself that one more visit to my mom (she was in the ICU on a vent in Florida) I could not get there and I could not talk to her, and it would not have made a damn bit of difference to me, the last time I had seen her I told her that I loved her and she said nothing, I told her that I wished she would take care of herself and she gave me her usual list of denials. I was done, regardless of her outcome I was done.

No matter what you decide you will have doubts and regrets, but when you come back here you will not find judgements, we have your back!

firecallie

Thank you so much, i woke up and begged her to let me come over. She keeps saying no and she is fine. I worry that if I go over there she might flip out. I don't know that I could deal with that.