Kialua

I just did it again. My hubby called to see if I mailed his package today. I nervously said, just getting ready to leave the house to mail it. Not true. I will get to it in about an hour but I just couldn't bring myself to tell him that. If I had told the truth to my AD I would have got yelled at and beaten. Now this has never happened with my husband, not even a disapproval but it's so ingrained to try to please that it just comes out. If I had said yes I will be going out in an hour to do that, he would have said ok thanks.

I don't tell big lies, just small dumb ones like that. I read that it comes from not daring to chance disapproval from the Alcoholic. Anyone else? or am I alone in this dumb habit? Man I hate this.

Willybluedog

It is so hard to break away from constantly seeking approval, I do this all the time, I am always asking if everything is ok, I am always trying to "read" my wifes moods, it drives her nuts, she just does not understand the need for constant approval.

Growing up failure to comply or complete any task "fast enough" was met with serious physical punishment, the most demeaning was my father would literally "kick my ass" it happened so often that now at 49 I have constant pain from a damaged tailbone. The problem was if you got caught lying the beating was way way worse, so you tried to always trinagulate, will I get caught lying or will I get kicked for not getting it done fast enough.

So anyway you are not alone, far from it, please don't be too hard on yourself.

Kialua

Thanks Willybluedog. This is so true, never knew lying or telling the truth was better. But like I said in another post, what worked one day didn't work the next day, and even what worked one hour didn't work the next. I was severely beaten as well, I understand.

When I went out to the car to go to the post, I opened the garage door and saw both cars home, then my husband popped out of one and I let out a scream. He just smiled, he is used to me being so easily "spooked". My first thought was he caught me lying, it was 2 hours later. I calmed myself and said, "just going to the post now," and he said "Ok I'll go with you." No repercussions, no problem. We went then sat at the lake for a bit reading.

ACOAHappyNow

I think we live with so much anxiety, when we are ACA's. Not sure it ever really goes away. It sucks, but some damage in life is permanent. Just like when a child has polio, that child lives with damaged legs from then on. Not much can be done but to just find a way to live with things I guess.

Kialua

You're right, I guess some things do stick. I still get 'spooked' easily even after decades. Mostly when I hear my husband from the other room or downstairs get mad if he drops something. That ALWAYS triggered a beating if my AD did that. He would stop what he was doing if he dropped something or hurt himself, come and find me or one or all of my sibs and just start beating. No reason just that he was mad. I cringe when I hear anything drop, my heart races and I start to perspire. I tell myself to stop, that nothing has ever happened, but my body continues to betray me until I yell out to my husband, "You ok?" and he answers pleasantly "Yes." And further, my husband even tells me when he is about to throw something down the stairs so he doesn't startle me, saying "making noise now..." then throws it. I"m so glad we have worked this out as a couple, but wish I could get over it. I probably never will.

tromboneliness

My wife and I are both like that. She cringes and starts to get defensive when I open an envelope in her presence, because of the implication that it's some kind of bill, summons, dunning letter, or some other ominous thing -- when all it is is a new license plate sticker or something like that. I can't tell you how many times I've had to remind her, "I am not your father -- just because I'm standing here doesn't mean I'm going to yell at you!" And this is after not having had a fight in over 15 years (i.e., since before she got sober and healthy).

Similarly, when she swears at her computer or gets frustrated trying to make something for a customer (we have a custom stationery shop), I get all nervous and try to calm her down -- or just shut up and keep my head down. These old habits -- formed by our families of origin -- will probably never go away entirely....

T

BadCompany

I do this too. I'm still walking on eggshells that are long gone. I also will tell little lies to keep people off balance about who I am. Sucks but is better.

Kialua

Wow, I'm glad I asked. Thanks all of you. I guess these things do stick. I guess I just have to keep trying to calm down and not panic.

CookiesAreDone

Thank you for sharing ... I just realized something about myself.

Kialua

Your welcome cookie. When I first started doing this, I guess I did it all along, I used to think it was other people's fault. Like don't scare me, don't sneak up on me, don't shout around me, don't don't don't. But it is MY problem and I have to deal with it. Don't know how to exactly but am trying.

micealc

I have the same thing...............I/We lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth,It one of the Character defects of ACAs.
Here are Janet Woititz's Characteristics, published in her book Adult Children of Alcoholics.

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

I read the "Characteristics" list long ago, before I read Tony A's list. Two key differences between the lists exists: Tony A's is an "us" list, while Janet's is a "them" list. A humility is present in Tony's list that I admire. Both lists are illuminating.

I attend ACA Meeting,Got the Big Red Book,Im Re Parenting myself with gentleness,Humour,Love and Respect.
I can Change............................

micealc

I am from a dysfunctional Family.....I react to Criticism or Normal Situations all the time.

1,Turn down the TV/Radio its too Loud,2,You are late again,4,you forgot again,5,She will be here soon......ohhh.6,Phone rings......ohhhh whats wrong now.7,Dont make so much noise.8,Did you do this/that/or the Other.9,whats wrong now.10,My God they are all looking at me.etc.
Guilt and trying to stay in Control causes me to be nervous.....

Kialua

Erg I just did it again. I told someone I was just 15 minutes away from them when it was a half hour. And I'm sure she knew I was not 15 minutes away. But I wanted to be pleasing I guess. This is so ingrained, even when I am point blank trying. Oh well, at least I am aware of it and still trying.

micealc, yes I have read that list, years ago. It's so true isn't it? I lol when I saw your "phone rings, what wrong now". Went through many years of that.

wellnowwhat

@micealc: where is that list from? Thanks!

micealc

You will find them all over the Net if you Google ACOA Character Traits.
Here is Janets Site.....



The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children by Dr. Janet G. Woititz

micealc

You will find them all over the Net if you Google ACOA Character Traits.
Here is Janets Site.....



The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children by Dr. Janet G. Woititz

Tony A also done out a List....he named the Laundry list.
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

kudzujean

My father died from alcoholism when I was a little kid.

My mother was always afraid of loud noises. She would get tense and P.O. when
me or my sibs made a loud noise or dropped something.

This thread helps me understand why she was like that. I had suspected that she
had (and I'm sure I do too) PTSD from years of living with an active alcoholic.

Kialua

kudzujean, yup sounds like it's PTSD for sure, at least what little I know about it. Glad you got some clues from the thread. I have found that even though I know about it and understand it, I still can't control it. Getting better, but it's hard.

simplex

I do this too all of the time. Depending on the person but I try to actually say out loud, that was a lie, or not the whole truth here is what is the truth is. That's very hard and I'd be lying if I said I do it a lot.

Also too I find myself in telling a story of some kind adding in facts I know that aren't true to make the story better. Sometimes I have invented stories of things that didn't happen to gain approval or attention.

When I read the ACoA by Janet I was pretty blown away and have continued learning about what I am (as a product of living in an alcoholic home.) Another good book that i've just started is "It will never happen to me." by Claudia Black. I'm reading this book with tears streaming down my eyes thinking, "I'm not crazy, finally, I can begin to understand."

Now attempting to dredge up all of those repressed feelings, change behaviors that have been ingrained in the subconscious for years and years? It's an emotional re-education. But one that I believe is totally necessary to experience joys and growth.

Miceal C I love your idea of re-parenting yourself. I really really wanna attend an ACoA meeting but have reservations about going being that I ended up being an alcoholic too. It's sort of a mental paradox for me.

tromboneliness

Not to worry -- there are plenty of double-winners at the ACoA meetings I go to. If anything, there are too many alcoholics and not enough normies! Definitely go, if there's a meeting in your area....

T