To Vent Without Care
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 15
To Vent Without Care
I do understand. I will never be "normal," whatever that it is. The psychological affects of tainted brain chemistry and failed relationships of distrust and deceit are permanent. It is the recognition and management of these emotional lesions that will permit some semblance of a regular and happy life void of substance abuse.
But I can't spend the time I have left just managing my life. An American football reference would be a quarterback being a "game manager." It can be a compliment or an insult. But either way, it is the conscious effort to avoid mistakes, rather than aspiring to greatness, or in this particular analogy, to Happiness. It is being careful without risk, and, the reward, if earned, is subdued and equivalent to kind of effort contributed toward success. Don't get me wrong, I know reward is never guaranteed, but it in fact is always a reflection of the applied degree of calculated risk or ambition. With the proper knowledge and preparation, one should proceed toward happiness with vigor and enthusiasm.
And therein lies the problem. When is the preparation we do ready to test with an opportunity. If an opportunity arises, must I pass it by because the poisoned past is a constantly terrifying reminder that the preparation with never be enough? You meet a someone, take it nice and slow, exercise meticulous patience and show discernible honesty - but then the fiery demons inevitably are either unavoidable from discussion without lying, or manifest themselves in a personality trait which defines the intersection of your leveled addiction and the years of work it took to distance yourself. The demons when exorcised become in-born animated memories, an inherent and vibrant respect which must be paid in every thought and action. The further you distance yourself from your addiction and resulting past life, the more intimate the experience's reflections become within your heart and mind. It is impossible not to portray about what you are and for what you work every day of your life.
So who will understand, and how do you find that person. I do not ignore, but I cannot pursue. How many opportunities must we miss before we are fed up?
But I can't spend the time I have left just managing my life. An American football reference would be a quarterback being a "game manager." It can be a compliment or an insult. But either way, it is the conscious effort to avoid mistakes, rather than aspiring to greatness, or in this particular analogy, to Happiness. It is being careful without risk, and, the reward, if earned, is subdued and equivalent to kind of effort contributed toward success. Don't get me wrong, I know reward is never guaranteed, but it in fact is always a reflection of the applied degree of calculated risk or ambition. With the proper knowledge and preparation, one should proceed toward happiness with vigor and enthusiasm.
And therein lies the problem. When is the preparation we do ready to test with an opportunity. If an opportunity arises, must I pass it by because the poisoned past is a constantly terrifying reminder that the preparation with never be enough? You meet a someone, take it nice and slow, exercise meticulous patience and show discernible honesty - but then the fiery demons inevitably are either unavoidable from discussion without lying, or manifest themselves in a personality trait which defines the intersection of your leveled addiction and the years of work it took to distance yourself. The demons when exorcised become in-born animated memories, an inherent and vibrant respect which must be paid in every thought and action. The further you distance yourself from your addiction and resulting past life, the more intimate the experience's reflections become within your heart and mind. It is impossible not to portray about what you are and for what you work every day of your life.
So who will understand, and how do you find that person. I do not ignore, but I cannot pursue. How many opportunities must we miss before we are fed up?
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
It is a mistake not to think you will never be "normal" again nor that you are not "normal" already. The only thing you will likely never be able to do is drink "normally". I think it also a mistake thinking you must always tread lightly and not aspire. I see this as a bit problem in "recovery" in that there is more practice of avoidance and "recovery" work that aspirations to reach potential. Goal setting and achievement will aid to recovery much more than hiding out, treading lightly and avoidance. Don't let anyone tell you or make you think you can't do anything, especially yourself.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by HappyAlone
The demons when exorcised become in-born animated memories, an inherent and vibrant respect which must be paid in every thought and action.
With the proper knowledge and preparation, one should proceed toward happiness with vigor and enthusiasm.
The psychological affects of tainted brain chemistry and failed relationships of distrust and deceit are permanent.
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