Psychiatric Diagnosis
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
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Psychiatric Diagnosis
I haven't been around much lately, I've been seeing a psychiatrist and have been on some meds which leave me pretty much useless. I was just wondering if any other people here have been treated for mental health issues?
I knew that I struggled with depression, anxiety and OCD but have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Everything seemed to fall into place when I looked at the possible causes and the symptoms of BPD. Many people with BPD have been abused, abandoned or neglected as children. As adults, they have a shaky self image, uncertainty about sexuality, fear of abandonment, a tendency to self harm (1 in 10 people with BPD commit suicide and 60-70% attempt it) and feelings of emptiness.
These are all symptoms which resonate with me and which I attributed to my experiences as a child. I was just wondering if anyone else had always been diagnosed BPD?
I knew that I struggled with depression, anxiety and OCD but have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Everything seemed to fall into place when I looked at the possible causes and the symptoms of BPD. Many people with BPD have been abused, abandoned or neglected as children. As adults, they have a shaky self image, uncertainty about sexuality, fear of abandonment, a tendency to self harm (1 in 10 people with BPD commit suicide and 60-70% attempt it) and feelings of emptiness.
These are all symptoms which resonate with me and which I attributed to my experiences as a child. I was just wondering if anyone else had always been diagnosed BPD?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 91
i have bpd. no neglect or abuse or anything like that.. i'm a freak in that nothing bad happened to me, my life was peachy keen, and i'm still all ****** up. ha.
anyway, i've gotten sober, and am also on prozac (anti depressant/anxiety), lamictal (mood stabilizer.. the least side effects of the mood stabilizers, there aren't the dangers of lithium or anything like that), and have taken xanax for years. i'm still on suboxone since i've only been sober 3 and a half months, but i am weaning down.
i see a psychiatrist 1x/month and a therapist the other weeks. who knows what it is that makes my symptoms better now, probably a combination of everything. i should say, my ACTIONS have changed. i still have the crazy, panicking, out of control thinking sometimes. i think that happens less than it used to though. i'm not really sure. i've been going through a ton of changes over the last 4 months, so it's hard to say what helps and what doesn't.
i'm curious what meds youre on. you dont have to say if you dont want. also, i've been through a ton of psychs and therapists before i found ones that have helped me and i was comfortable with. i dont take meds just to take them.. it took YEARS before i'd agree to take anything.
anyway, i've gotten sober, and am also on prozac (anti depressant/anxiety), lamictal (mood stabilizer.. the least side effects of the mood stabilizers, there aren't the dangers of lithium or anything like that), and have taken xanax for years. i'm still on suboxone since i've only been sober 3 and a half months, but i am weaning down.
i see a psychiatrist 1x/month and a therapist the other weeks. who knows what it is that makes my symptoms better now, probably a combination of everything. i should say, my ACTIONS have changed. i still have the crazy, panicking, out of control thinking sometimes. i think that happens less than it used to though. i'm not really sure. i've been going through a ton of changes over the last 4 months, so it's hard to say what helps and what doesn't.
i'm curious what meds youre on. you dont have to say if you dont want. also, i've been through a ton of psychs and therapists before i found ones that have helped me and i was comfortable with. i dont take meds just to take them.. it took YEARS before i'd agree to take anything.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Bozeman, MT
Posts: 46
Dear Lenore,
I am sad you are going through this. You hinted at abuse, which comes in many forms. My mother was a raging alcoholic (not violent, in fact...quite quiet and passive but passively aggressive. No shouting, never swore. Just mean and selfish.). But, she could show me with a look, how unwanted I was. I remember her telling me she loved me ONCE in my life. We were standing in the parking lot of the 1st treatment center I took her to when I was 20, and participated/set up an intervention. I couldn't believe it. It was the ONLY time in my life (I am not kidding) that I absolutely felt that there was another person deep down/hidden behind the alcohol. I also know she did love me. She had been at the treatment center about 3 weeks, so at least she was detoxed (1983). I was 20, and I do believe she drank through her pregnancy. I have to believe this might have been the first and only time she had been sober (not actively using alcohol) in her years since college. The damage she did to my brothers (raised by my dad) and myself.
The emotional neglect and REJECTION was/is huge for me and still affects me everyday. It took me years to figure that out. The impact of rejection/neglect on children.
I had a counselor tell me once, to think back to myself, as a small child. In a 2nd person way. Imagine yourself as a child...
I was asked to "think" about that. Me/myself/I as a small child.
I was told to go back to those deeply hurtful times and experience them as an outsider who is an adult looking in. What would I do if I could step into that picture. I know I would be angry at my mother and lash out at her for being so cruel to her child. Somehow, doing this helped me alot.
I was shocked. It blew me away doing this exercise. It helped me at least, to understand why I am so emotional, when others can withstand more, and I disintegrate emotioanlly.
I was tough to do. (Doesn't seem like it'd be tough) Give it a try. Imagine one time when you were little, when you were hurt. Then think of what you would do if you were a person who could have stepped in. What would you have done?
I remember clearly, falling down at the neighbors and cutting my arm. There were no adults at the house. In fact, I dont' even know why I was at their house! I was alone though. I know I could not have been more than 3 1/2 because I know where we lived at that time.
Here's how sick my thinking/esteem was, as very young child...
I was AFRAID to go home and show my mom (was she even at home?). WHY? Because I knew I would have to go to the "doctor," and that would be a BURDEN to her in TIME and MONEY. I have no memory of physical pain. That is really sick...
Now, I didn't think these words, but I remember what I felt (fear-not of being beaten or anything like that), just that my cut (pretty bad) would require her to do something, I knew she would not want to do. Therefore, I was a failure.
You know what? I don't even remember going to the doctors/hospital, wherever. But I do have the stitch marks and scar to this day.
WHY don't I remember the horrifying experience of getting stiches? My guess is, I was like an obedient little dog. That's how I was trained.
A normal child would have cried out, hollared, screamed, and would have rightfully expected the comfort of a parent's arms. Not I. (I am not whining here). I could not have even dreamed of something like warm arms...
When I go back to my childhood (rarely), it brings me to SOBS, not just TEARS. I am SO SORRY for that LITTLE GIRL, that no one cared about.
So, maybe step back and remember those times.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, then you were likely taught to pretend/put on like all is "fine."
Go back, and think about that little girl. Then sob it out. You did not deserve to be treated how you were treated. It's just that you got stuck in the circumstances.
I had a high school counselor ask me onetime, (I was walking out back of the high school and she was in her car.) if everything was ok. This counselor KNEW my mother, and knew what a nut she was.
I WISH she instead, had said something like, "Deb, I know things are tough at home. What can I do to help."
Now, you've got me crying...
We can't change what happened to "us." But, go back and GRIEVE for that little girl who didn't deserve anything but love, and warm arms... That's you (and me).
The drugs will never make that go away.
Deb
I am sad you are going through this. You hinted at abuse, which comes in many forms. My mother was a raging alcoholic (not violent, in fact...quite quiet and passive but passively aggressive. No shouting, never swore. Just mean and selfish.). But, she could show me with a look, how unwanted I was. I remember her telling me she loved me ONCE in my life. We were standing in the parking lot of the 1st treatment center I took her to when I was 20, and participated/set up an intervention. I couldn't believe it. It was the ONLY time in my life (I am not kidding) that I absolutely felt that there was another person deep down/hidden behind the alcohol. I also know she did love me. She had been at the treatment center about 3 weeks, so at least she was detoxed (1983). I was 20, and I do believe she drank through her pregnancy. I have to believe this might have been the first and only time she had been sober (not actively using alcohol) in her years since college. The damage she did to my brothers (raised by my dad) and myself.
The emotional neglect and REJECTION was/is huge for me and still affects me everyday. It took me years to figure that out. The impact of rejection/neglect on children.
I had a counselor tell me once, to think back to myself, as a small child. In a 2nd person way. Imagine yourself as a child...
I was asked to "think" about that. Me/myself/I as a small child.
I was told to go back to those deeply hurtful times and experience them as an outsider who is an adult looking in. What would I do if I could step into that picture. I know I would be angry at my mother and lash out at her for being so cruel to her child. Somehow, doing this helped me alot.
I was shocked. It blew me away doing this exercise. It helped me at least, to understand why I am so emotional, when others can withstand more, and I disintegrate emotioanlly.
I was tough to do. (Doesn't seem like it'd be tough) Give it a try. Imagine one time when you were little, when you were hurt. Then think of what you would do if you were a person who could have stepped in. What would you have done?
I remember clearly, falling down at the neighbors and cutting my arm. There were no adults at the house. In fact, I dont' even know why I was at their house! I was alone though. I know I could not have been more than 3 1/2 because I know where we lived at that time.
Here's how sick my thinking/esteem was, as very young child...
I was AFRAID to go home and show my mom (was she even at home?). WHY? Because I knew I would have to go to the "doctor," and that would be a BURDEN to her in TIME and MONEY. I have no memory of physical pain. That is really sick...
Now, I didn't think these words, but I remember what I felt (fear-not of being beaten or anything like that), just that my cut (pretty bad) would require her to do something, I knew she would not want to do. Therefore, I was a failure.
You know what? I don't even remember going to the doctors/hospital, wherever. But I do have the stitch marks and scar to this day.
WHY don't I remember the horrifying experience of getting stiches? My guess is, I was like an obedient little dog. That's how I was trained.
A normal child would have cried out, hollared, screamed, and would have rightfully expected the comfort of a parent's arms. Not I. (I am not whining here). I could not have even dreamed of something like warm arms...
When I go back to my childhood (rarely), it brings me to SOBS, not just TEARS. I am SO SORRY for that LITTLE GIRL, that no one cared about.
So, maybe step back and remember those times.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, then you were likely taught to pretend/put on like all is "fine."
Go back, and think about that little girl. Then sob it out. You did not deserve to be treated how you were treated. It's just that you got stuck in the circumstances.
I had a high school counselor ask me onetime, (I was walking out back of the high school and she was in her car.) if everything was ok. This counselor KNEW my mother, and knew what a nut she was.
I WISH she instead, had said something like, "Deb, I know things are tough at home. What can I do to help."
Now, you've got me crying...
We can't change what happened to "us." But, go back and GRIEVE for that little girl who didn't deserve anything but love, and warm arms... That's you (and me).
The drugs will never make that go away.
Deb
Last edited by MTUSA; 09-15-2011 at 06:34 PM. Reason: Better explanation?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 60
Dollydo, thank you for that, it's very kind of you. Your little doggie is a beauty, it's not possible to look at a face like that and not smile 
Esyla, first off, congrats on the 3 and a half months sober! That's great going, you should be very proud of your achievement. I have a friend who is also BPD and had a very supportive and loving chidlhood so it isn't just people who have been raised in dysfunctional households. I kind of feel worse for my friend as she struggles with how to deal with it when she has no idea why she feels this way.
My psych has commented that my alcohol use is 'hazardous' so that's something I'm going to have to work on myself. I think we both agree that it hasn't gotten to the kind of severity my Mum experienced but it's something I have to be careful with. My Mum and 3 out of 4 grandparents had drink problems so I feel like a train wreck waiting to happen!
As you say, I'd imagine it's a combination of everything that's helping you. My psych has said as much, that pills or therapy alone won't work, but together they're very powerful. And hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it! I'm really glad you've found a combination that works for you. I'd guess that being sober is playing a part as it'll allow the drugs to work to their full effect.
I was on Prozac for years. From 17-31 with only a few gaps here and there. I tried Citalopram and Amitriptyline for a while but one gave me heart palpitations and the other made me hear things! I was on prozac way beyond the time it was helping me but I do think it saved my life when I was 17.
I'm now on Clomipramine, Quetiapine and I have Diazepam but I don't take it cos I don't feel any effects from it.
Esyla, first off, congrats on the 3 and a half months sober! That's great going, you should be very proud of your achievement. I have a friend who is also BPD and had a very supportive and loving chidlhood so it isn't just people who have been raised in dysfunctional households. I kind of feel worse for my friend as she struggles with how to deal with it when she has no idea why she feels this way.
My psych has commented that my alcohol use is 'hazardous' so that's something I'm going to have to work on myself. I think we both agree that it hasn't gotten to the kind of severity my Mum experienced but it's something I have to be careful with. My Mum and 3 out of 4 grandparents had drink problems so I feel like a train wreck waiting to happen!
As you say, I'd imagine it's a combination of everything that's helping you. My psych has said as much, that pills or therapy alone won't work, but together they're very powerful. And hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it! I'm really glad you've found a combination that works for you. I'd guess that being sober is playing a part as it'll allow the drugs to work to their full effect.
I was on Prozac for years. From 17-31 with only a few gaps here and there. I tried Citalopram and Amitriptyline for a while but one gave me heart palpitations and the other made me hear things! I was on prozac way beyond the time it was helping me but I do think it saved my life when I was 17.
I'm now on Clomipramine, Quetiapine and I have Diazepam but I don't take it cos I don't feel any effects from it.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 60
Deb, I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences. It isn't just fists and feet that can scar a child. The old line "sticks and stones may brake my bones but words will never hurt me" is totally wrong. The kind of coldness and the seeming emotional indifference towards a child (though I'm sure your Mum did love you) that you describe can have devastating effects. My step-mother sounds very similar to your mother and her, above all people, can bring me crashing down to this day.
My Mum was occasionally physically aggressive. Smacking children wasn't frowned upon as much then so for a long time I thought her actions were typical of all parents. It was only when I grew up and, like you have described, was able to look back at the situation from the point of view of a concerned bystander that I realised that she was excessive with her physical "punishment" and that I would have intervened. Though, of course, these things were always done in private. The things which have really beaten me down though are her words-telling me she wished she were dead (and she attempted suicide in front of my, then, 5 year old sister so I knew it wasn't an idle threat), that she wished we'd never been born, the neglect of our physical and emotional needs and the inappropriate things she allowed us to witness, especially sexual things.
I am working with my therapist now to look after that scared, confused little girl who felt that she must be wrong and she must have caused all the bad things. She helped me to get angry about it, before I just felt I was betraying my Mum as she's now sober and incredibly loving and kind-hearted. Nothing we talk about breaks my heart in quite the same way as imagining being able to take 'little me' by the hand and say "this isn't your fault, you're a good girl and you don't deserve this". I often dream that, if I could afford it, I'd rent a cottage out in the woods and just let myself sob and scream and let it all out because it hurts so much .
I really believe that this therapy will help me come through this, though it is a long journey. I'm glad that it seems like the work you did with your therapist, although it was difficult, allowed you to see the things that happened to you from another perhaps more "healthy" perspective too.
I look at it like-it took a long time to make me so unhappy, it'll take a while to fix it. The medications I take, and my psych has told me this, will not work on their own. I need to continue my work in therapy but, for now, the pills help me to reach a place where I'm stable enough to work through it all. I'm VERY lucky to have access to such wonderful mental health professionals, it's heartbreaking to know that many people don't have the opportunities I do and I'm going to use them to the best of my advantage and hopefully be able to come out the other side and help others who are struggling.
Thanks for your responses, and stay safe and keep on keeping on.
xx
My Mum was occasionally physically aggressive. Smacking children wasn't frowned upon as much then so for a long time I thought her actions were typical of all parents. It was only when I grew up and, like you have described, was able to look back at the situation from the point of view of a concerned bystander that I realised that she was excessive with her physical "punishment" and that I would have intervened. Though, of course, these things were always done in private. The things which have really beaten me down though are her words-telling me she wished she were dead (and she attempted suicide in front of my, then, 5 year old sister so I knew it wasn't an idle threat), that she wished we'd never been born, the neglect of our physical and emotional needs and the inappropriate things she allowed us to witness, especially sexual things.
I am working with my therapist now to look after that scared, confused little girl who felt that she must be wrong and she must have caused all the bad things. She helped me to get angry about it, before I just felt I was betraying my Mum as she's now sober and incredibly loving and kind-hearted. Nothing we talk about breaks my heart in quite the same way as imagining being able to take 'little me' by the hand and say "this isn't your fault, you're a good girl and you don't deserve this". I often dream that, if I could afford it, I'd rent a cottage out in the woods and just let myself sob and scream and let it all out because it hurts so much .
I really believe that this therapy will help me come through this, though it is a long journey. I'm glad that it seems like the work you did with your therapist, although it was difficult, allowed you to see the things that happened to you from another perhaps more "healthy" perspective too.
I look at it like-it took a long time to make me so unhappy, it'll take a while to fix it. The medications I take, and my psych has told me this, will not work on their own. I need to continue my work in therapy but, for now, the pills help me to reach a place where I'm stable enough to work through it all. I'm VERY lucky to have access to such wonderful mental health professionals, it's heartbreaking to know that many people don't have the opportunities I do and I'm going to use them to the best of my advantage and hopefully be able to come out the other side and help others who are struggling.
Thanks for your responses, and stay safe and keep on keeping on.
xx
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 91
lenore, that's exactly one of my struggles - not knowing where it comes from! sometimes i can get so caught up in that that i create another subset of problems for myself.
i do hope that you have a psych that's going to be the best for you. like i said, it took me a long time to get to where i am - i'm 26 so people have said it can't be too "long" but in terms of MY life it is. i've been drinking heavily and in and out of therapy for a 3rd of my life! they did always tell me that the meds wouldn't work the same while i was drinking and using. if your doc says drinking isn't a good idea, hey, you're not doing all this work to have one thing get in the way, right? but then again i'm the last person to have anything to say about that - it took me a long time to get to this way of thinking
i wish you the best of luck.
i do hope that you have a psych that's going to be the best for you. like i said, it took me a long time to get to where i am - i'm 26 so people have said it can't be too "long" but in terms of MY life it is. i've been drinking heavily and in and out of therapy for a 3rd of my life! they did always tell me that the meds wouldn't work the same while i was drinking and using. if your doc says drinking isn't a good idea, hey, you're not doing all this work to have one thing get in the way, right? but then again i'm the last person to have anything to say about that - it took me a long time to get to this way of thinking
i wish you the best of luck.
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