dbh

I'm having a tough time today. I think some of it is hormonal and some of it is my insecurities, shame, and quilt have decided to surface again.

I have an 11 year old daughter. She and all of her classmate are becoming preteens. This period in my life was very stressful. My dad's alcoholism was at it's worse (my parents divorced when I was 13). Through most of middle school and high school I was an emotional wreck.

Anyway, I find that I'm projecting my past anxiety onto my daughter! She's actually great - beautiful, intelligent, kind, is interested in a number of things and participates in various activities. I'm starting to have all these irrational worries ... Does she have enough friends? Why is she so shy? Are other kids accepting her?

These worries start to build up momentum and then they turn on me. The reason she doesn't have more friends becomes all about me ... I'm not as attractive as some of the other moms, our houses isn't clean enough, I don't encourage friends to come over as often (I still like to isolate sometimes), etc. Then I start worrying that I'm messing up her life.

Trying not to act on any of these emotions. Just acknowledge them and move on. It's hard sometimes though. I feel like I can't get "healthy" fast enough and I can't stand the thought of being a negative influence on my kids.

God, grant me the serenity ...

Thank you for letting me share.

db

dbh

I'm not sure if anyone else can relate, but I often find myself looking at my children and wanting to give them everything that I didn't have. My own childhood was lousy. Feeling blamed for everything, needing to grow up too fast, and so much shame over my father's behavior/life. It's almost as if I feel like I can undo/redo my childhood by making sure my children are happy, safe, and loved. I want to be the perfect mother. I want to somehow prevent them from ever being hurt. Not very likely.

Even though they are still young, I'm worried that I'm trying to control them and their lives too much. After I worked so hard to detach from my family of origin, I can see myself in danger of becoming codependent with my own children!

There are no "do overs" in life. I have to accept my childhood and my relationships (or lack of relationships) with the members of my family of origin. I am grateful for my little nuclear family, but no matter what I do I will not be able to change my past.

I do think I'm going to have to work on separating my self-worth from the accomplishments, failures, and happiness of my children.

I wonder whether the negative thoughts will ever completely stop. I feel hopeful, because they used to run in my brain non-stop. Now they just start when I'm triggered by something. It's amazing the affect it can have on me though.

This morning I started down the path on how my family would be better without me. I think about divorcing my husband and moving away so that I won't get the chance to ruin their lives. I get to a place where I feel so completely broken. Total recovery feels unattainable.

If I could only think of this critical inner voice as a unwelcome visitor. I need to be able to immediately dismiss what it is telling me as untrue. Right now I listen and fall into victim mode.

What I ended up doing today was taking a walk and listening to music. It helped. I'm no longer feeling as hopeless, but tired and a little sad.

Boy am I rambling!

Thank you for listening and for letting me share.

db

DesertEyes

Hi there dbh

I can relate < raising hand > I felt pretty much the way you describe.

Yup. They will. What I learned in recovery is that I was _not_ born with those thoughts running thru my head. Those thoughts were forced upon me by my toxic family. I _learned_ them. Therefore, I can _unlearn_ them.

There is no such thing as "total recovery". In all the literature you will find that what we seek is _progress_, not perfection. Every day we do a little bit better. Some days not so better.

Good for you. What works for me is to recognize that I can only have _one_ thought in my head at a time. So when my head goes "spinning" the way you describe I just say _one_ prayer. Just one. And force myself to pay attention to each word. Then I say it again. And again. That helps me stop that "cycle" where I just go deeper and deeper into my own "spin".

Ramble away, that's what we're here for

Mike

Willybluedog

I believe any parent who really loves their kids worries about many of the things you mentioned.

I was bullied as a kid and I am very attuned to that with my kids, many times especially with my daughter (13) I have had to just let her handle it, but I am always there if they want to talk.

I had a tough childhood, physical and verbal abuse at home, sexual abuse (cousin and stranger, plus an alcoholic mother (going on 40 years now).

Through reading "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsh I learned that people are who they are for a reason, and everything that happens to you has the opportunity to be a learning experience if you think your way through it.

Please cut yourself some slack, you would not feel like this if you did not deeply and profoundly love you children and spouse.

Kialua

I understand. My one and only left for college last year but boy was I her defender growing up, much to her dismay. I wanted to make everything right for her and make sure she had the childhood I didn't have. I probably smothered her but I don't think I was even aware of it at the time. At least you are aware and dealing with it so that's huge.

micealc

I see myself in the Same Situation...........Minding my Family,Protecting them from the Dangers of Life/Im listening to my Young Daughter at the Moment,she is Happy Drawing and Singing.I am also watching and listening to myself here on this Computer,If I make a mistake Spelling..........Ahhhhhhhhhhh. This I have got to watch,this is where the Dysfunction of my Patience lies.I need to have empathy for the Little Spirit that is trying to type with my middle finger.
Every one has there Moments....good and not so good I have discovered.
I have done my part in Bringing my other Daughter and son that are fending for themselves now.They are doing there own thing ,they have had there moments,but I have thought them that they are Responsible for there own actions..........And leave the rest to there HP.I need to relax and forgive myself continuously..........or at least as often as I forgive others.

dbh

I went out for lunch with a friend this week and I shared my concerns about my daughter. I love this friend, she is grounded in reality and not afraid to express her opinion.

After hearing my story her recommendation was to assume that all was right in my daughter's world until she asked for my help or until I notice a change in her behavior.

Now, there a concept ... WAIT until someone ASKS for help!?!

My ACA brain is still constantly waiting for the next crisis to occur.

Recovery is a process and not an event!

Thank you for letting me share.

db