Hi I'm new - My alcoholic father
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1
Hi I'm new - My alcoholic father
I’m 47 and my dad has been drinking since my teenage years. He’s almost 70. Aside from the drinking, he’s always been moody and has a bad temper, which the drinking made worse. Growing up with him has been a roller coaster ride. He’d be decent one day and an a-hole the next. Everything centered around his moods. I was an only child and had to deal with this alone. My mom was always more worried about saving their marriage than what it was doing to me. He was verbally abusive, always critical of me and treated me like a bother. I’ve always struggled in relationships and have never been married. It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve been able to acknowledge the effects he’s had on me and the anger I feel towards him.
About a year ago his health got bad and he was diagnosed with an inflamed liver (alcoholic hepatitis?--he doesn’t tell us what the doctor says). He was told to cease alcohol immediately. Since then he’s tried to quit drinking several times but always finds a reason to start again. He sneaks it in the garage. I can always tell when he’s drinking now because his personality changes. He starts muttering profanities to himself like the world is against him. He shuffles around and can’t use his hands well. Sometimes his head bobs and his eyes don’t focus. From what I’ve researched it looks like Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome.
A few months ago my mom called me late at night needing a place to stay because he threatened to shoot her and himself. I told her to see a lawyer and leave him. I offered to find her a house and pay half the rent so she can hide from him and have some peace. But she went back a few days later. She said she’s too old to start over now and he wasn’t serious about shooting her and he’d try harder, blah blah. I’ve been immersed in their drama all summer and feel depressed all the time now. I’ve thought about moving away just to distance myself, but the guilt keeps me here. I’m worried about my mom and what this is doing to her health. Plus I have a good job. Why should I have to run away and start over because of him? I have so much anger towards this man.
Well, I’ve rambled way too long. Thanks for listening. I have no one to talk to about this who would understand what this is like.
About a year ago his health got bad and he was diagnosed with an inflamed liver (alcoholic hepatitis?--he doesn’t tell us what the doctor says). He was told to cease alcohol immediately. Since then he’s tried to quit drinking several times but always finds a reason to start again. He sneaks it in the garage. I can always tell when he’s drinking now because his personality changes. He starts muttering profanities to himself like the world is against him. He shuffles around and can’t use his hands well. Sometimes his head bobs and his eyes don’t focus. From what I’ve researched it looks like Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome.
A few months ago my mom called me late at night needing a place to stay because he threatened to shoot her and himself. I told her to see a lawyer and leave him. I offered to find her a house and pay half the rent so she can hide from him and have some peace. But she went back a few days later. She said she’s too old to start over now and he wasn’t serious about shooting her and he’d try harder, blah blah. I’ve been immersed in their drama all summer and feel depressed all the time now. I’ve thought about moving away just to distance myself, but the guilt keeps me here. I’m worried about my mom and what this is doing to her health. Plus I have a good job. Why should I have to run away and start over because of him? I have so much anger towards this man.
Well, I’ve rambled way too long. Thanks for listening. I have no one to talk to about this who would understand what this is like.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1
Geeg,
I feel for you and your mum. In my experience alcoholism is a condition which is linked to selfishness or self-absorption, and from what you've said here that seems to be the case with your father.
For what it's worth I don't think he has Wernicke Korsakoff Syndrome. My partner contracted WKS a year ago, and although she was in a bad way already because of her alcohol use, the deterioration was dramatic. It was the psychological aspect that was most noticeable (although the vision problem manifested itself clearly as well after a few days): she slowed right down and became very vacant. When I talked to her it was apparent she was very confused, and at one point didn't even know who I was. She literally didn't know what day it was. WKS results in people with poor nutrition, so if your father's not eating well there's a risk he could get it, but I think you'd notice something was very (unusually) wrong if he got it. It also needs immediate medical attention, or it can be fatal.
It sounds like someone (eg your mum) should be going with him when he sees his doctor, so you all know what's going on.
Best wishes to you, I hope you resolve things. Alcoholism can do a lot of damage to the people around the sufferer, but the latter is often too wrapped up in their own world to see the hurt they're causing. The damage transmits itself to others, so you and your mum need to look after yourselves.
I feel for you and your mum. In my experience alcoholism is a condition which is linked to selfishness or self-absorption, and from what you've said here that seems to be the case with your father.
For what it's worth I don't think he has Wernicke Korsakoff Syndrome. My partner contracted WKS a year ago, and although she was in a bad way already because of her alcohol use, the deterioration was dramatic. It was the psychological aspect that was most noticeable (although the vision problem manifested itself clearly as well after a few days): she slowed right down and became very vacant. When I talked to her it was apparent she was very confused, and at one point didn't even know who I was. She literally didn't know what day it was. WKS results in people with poor nutrition, so if your father's not eating well there's a risk he could get it, but I think you'd notice something was very (unusually) wrong if he got it. It also needs immediate medical attention, or it can be fatal.
It sounds like someone (eg your mum) should be going with him when he sees his doctor, so you all know what's going on.
Best wishes to you, I hope you resolve things. Alcoholism can do a lot of damage to the people around the sufferer, but the latter is often too wrapped up in their own world to see the hurt they're causing. The damage transmits itself to others, so you and your mum need to look after yourselves.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Geeg-
My life has been impacted by alcohol use, though not from my parent's use.
What has helped me with healing from all the hard feelings that come up around the use of alcohol
-Al-anon (for friends and families of people with problem drinkers. There is also a group called ACOA (I think it means Adult Child of Alcoholics), but I have not participated in any of those. Al-anon has people with all different types of individuals in their life struggling
-Reading on addiction
-Getting into individual counseling
Many in Al-anon talk about the Three Cs
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
My life has been impacted by alcohol use, though not from my parent's use.
What has helped me with healing from all the hard feelings that come up around the use of alcohol
-Al-anon (for friends and families of people with problem drinkers. There is also a group called ACOA (I think it means Adult Child of Alcoholics), but I have not participated in any of those. Al-anon has people with all different types of individuals in their life struggling
-Reading on addiction
-Getting into individual counseling
Many in Al-anon talk about the Three Cs
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 1
Geeg,
I can relate to your problems in so many ways. I too was the only child of an alcoholic father. Over the past few years, I have watched as his drinking became worse and worse. It took its final toll on 8/31 of this year, when my dad passed away. Since his hospitization and subsequent death, I am just now realizing the true impact it had on my life.
You and your mom will be in my thoughts and prayers as you deal with this horrible disease. My dad never realized what he did to my mom and I and now he is gone and we are left to pick up the pieces. I would encourage you to attend Al-Anon or get individual counseling. I have done both and have begun the slow path to forgiveness. Best wishes to you and your mom.
I can relate to your problems in so many ways. I too was the only child of an alcoholic father. Over the past few years, I have watched as his drinking became worse and worse. It took its final toll on 8/31 of this year, when my dad passed away. Since his hospitization and subsequent death, I am just now realizing the true impact it had on my life.
You and your mom will be in my thoughts and prayers as you deal with this horrible disease. My dad never realized what he did to my mom and I and now he is gone and we are left to pick up the pieces. I would encourage you to attend Al-Anon or get individual counseling. I have done both and have begun the slow path to forgiveness. Best wishes to you and your mom.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Geeg,
Welcome, so glad you found your way here, I have walked in your shoes, my mom has been an alcoholic over 40 years (I'm 49) my dad stays because he is afraid she will kill herself if he leaves, both parents are miserable, both have tried to drag me into their ordeal.
I finally just wrote mom off, I love her but I don't like her, she is a self-absorbed brat, she will not do anything to help herself, I hope that she dies before her behavior kills my dad because he deserves better.
My only advice is to refuse to be sucked in, you cannot fix it and it's not your fault.
Hope you find some peace, if you are not working with a counselor please consider doing so, you deserve to have a great relationship and to be happy.
Peace be with you,
Bill
Welcome, so glad you found your way here, I have walked in your shoes, my mom has been an alcoholic over 40 years (I'm 49) my dad stays because he is afraid she will kill herself if he leaves, both parents are miserable, both have tried to drag me into their ordeal.
I finally just wrote mom off, I love her but I don't like her, she is a self-absorbed brat, she will not do anything to help herself, I hope that she dies before her behavior kills my dad because he deserves better.
My only advice is to refuse to be sucked in, you cannot fix it and it's not your fault.
Hope you find some peace, if you are not working with a counselor please consider doing so, you deserve to have a great relationship and to be happy.
Peace be with you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Geeg, I understand your dilemma. My AF did the same thing, threaten to shoot my Mom when he was 80. And my Mom never cared one bit what he did abusing us. I don't know if you've read through and seen my story before, but she finally called the police and he was arrested with the rifle and incarcerated. (What is it with these old guys and the guns?) I think what forced my mom's hand was that we "kids" all had had enough of the drama and didn't respond anymore so the only one to call was police. She realized that she was alone with his problems and now he was turning on her, he could actually kill her. Don't get sucked into their craziness. Take care of yourself. Do a lot of reading here and find a group. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Illinois
Posts: 5
Welcome Geeg.
Take care of your self. If you can't make it to meetings like myself these message boards have helped a lot for me. A place to not feel so lost and alone.
I will have your mother and you in my thoughts good luck to you.
Take care of your self. If you can't make it to meetings like myself these message boards have helped a lot for me. A place to not feel so lost and alone.
I will have your mother and you in my thoughts good luck to you.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
How your parents live their toxic life is their choice. Your mother is weak and codependent, she is as sick as your father is. You cannot fix either one of them, you do not have the power to do so.
You do not have to move, you just have to learn how to detach, how to set bounderies and stick to them.
Read the stickies on all of the family and friends forums, lots of information on how to detach, how not to enable.
You are allowing them to drag you into their drama, maybe time to move forward with your life and not obsess about theirs...as that is how they are choosing to live.
How your parents live their toxic life is their choice. Your mother is weak and codependent, she is as sick as your father is. You cannot fix either one of them, you do not have the power to do so.
You do not have to move, you just have to learn how to detach, how to set bounderies and stick to them.
Read the stickies on all of the family and friends forums, lots of information on how to detach, how not to enable.
You are allowing them to drag you into their drama, maybe time to move forward with your life and not obsess about theirs...as that is how they are choosing to live.
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