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Manipulative brother

Old 09-12-2011, 08:58 PM
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Manipulative brother

I hope this section is okay; i wasn't sure where to put it. My brother (42) is giving my mom hell. He lives with her. She has always felt sorry for him, and he did attempt suicide at 18. He only has one lung because of the shotgun suicide attempt. He did beat the alcohol problem, but won't move out. He moved back in after his place was burglarized, and now he's sort of paranoid. It's questionable that he has a learning disablility, because i've seen him flip a switch when he wants something. He's develpoed this sort of ocd with routine, cleanliness, exercising. I think it may be because that's the only thing he can control. What's frustrating is that he rips up my mother, and me; the people who have done the most to help him. My mother tried for years to get him disability, and he got it. She also lets him deliver tires for her husband once a week for cash. He has this entitlement mentality that makes me nuts. It never seems to be good enough for him. I always find myself buttering him up to just get a conversation going, but he'll find a way to demean me. I've read about narcissism and he has all or most of the traits. All conversations are about him. If it doesn't go his way, you will get the silent treatment. He will not help my mother, but gets mad if i do. He tries to isolate her, by not wanting her to have company. He's just flat out mean. The family is looking for a place for him, but he's not showing interest. She's encouraging him to get independent. It's getting so tense when i go there, i feel like i want to slap him. Here's another thing, He only has part of one lung left and will not quit smoking. We've brought him to the hospital and he is a master at deflecting what the doctors have to say. I just don't know what i should do. I'm angry because i think it's affecting my mother's health, and she doesn't deserve to be treated like that after all she has done for him. Outsiders think it's a simple case of spoiled rotten. Because of his health issues, she will not put him out. I feel like our connection is almost gone, and i want to protect my mother. It's a big mess, and i don't know how it will end.
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Old 10-13-2011, 07:56 PM
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Originally Posted by damiank View Post
I hope this section is okay; i wasn't sure where to put it. My brother (42) is giving my mom hell. He lives with her. She has always felt sorry for him, and he did attempt suicide at 18. He only has one lung because of the shotgun suicide attempt. He did beat the alcohol problem, but won't move out. He moved back in after his place was burglarized, and now he's sort of paranoid. It's questionable that he has a learning disablility, because i've seen him flip a switch when he wants something. He's develpoed this sort of ocd with routine, cleanliness, exercising. I think it may be because that's the only thing he can control. What's frustrating is that he rips up my mother, and me; the people who have done the most to help him. My mother tried for years to get him disability, and he got it. She also lets him deliver tires for her husband once a week for cash. He has this entitlement mentality that makes me nuts. It never seems to be good enough for him. I always find myself buttering him up to just get a conversation going, but he'll find a way to demean me. I've read about narcissism and he has all or most of the traits. All conversations are about him. If it doesn't go his way, you will get the silent treatment. He will not help my mother, but gets mad if i do. He tries to isolate her, by not wanting her to have company. He's just flat out mean. The family is looking for a place for him, but he's not showing interest. She's encouraging him to get independent. It's getting so tense when i go there, i feel like i want to slap him. Here's another thing, He only has part of one lung left and will not quit smoking. We've brought him to the hospital and he is a master at deflecting what the doctors have to say. I just don't know what i should do. I'm angry because i think it's affecting my mother's health, and she doesn't deserve to be treated like that after all she has done for him. Outsiders think it's a simple case of spoiled rotten. Because of his health issues, she will not put him out. I feel like our connection is almost gone, and i want to protect my mother. It's a big mess, and i don't know how it will end.
I totally understand where you're coming from and your wondering if this is the right place to share.... It seems that there is not only not enough support for mental illness out there, but also that there is even less support for the loved ones who face mental illness.

Your brother sounds like mine in many ways. I worry about my dad and the way my brother takes advantage of him. For your mom, please keep close eye on what's going on (as you probably do) but ....if it looks like abuse, there are resources/laws out there to protect the elderly. I know it's very complicated, with your mom trying to help and all, but hopefully she will see the need to take care of herself and/or accept the help when it's needed.
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:48 AM
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I certainly understand your concern. Are there ways you can support your mother? Bring diversions to her life? E.g., take her out to dinner and/or a movie? I hope you understand there's nothing you can do or say that will change your brother. A narcissist is always a narcissist.

Alas, ultimately it's for your mother and brother to work out.

Good luck!
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