Addict45621

Goals

1. Get off the dope.

2. Make up for all that you have done wrong.

I constantly feel like a piece of ****. I know I need to love myself but I cant see anything good about me. I feel I have let my family and everyone down. I want to change my ways. I think I am going to seek help with my life. Sometimes I just want to end it all. I know I have a lot going for me. I feel depressed all the time. Where did I go wrong? I have turned into a total junkie. I do not know where to start. I wish I could enjoy just one day without the dope. Even when I use I feel no better. In fact I feel worse because of what I have to do to get the dope
1. Lie
2. Cheat
3. Steal
4. Use unecessary resources to obtain the drugs.
5. Sometimes I take over 10,000 mg of tyenol because some of the pills I get are mixed with tyenol. I used to do a cold water extraction to seperate the tylenol frome the vicodine or oxy but I am scared I will lose some of the dope in the process and I do not want to wait for tne process to finish even if I am already high. I do not get high anymore. I try but I just end up passing out. Basically I feel worthless.
I have no one I can be honest with except my mom. I cant keep going on like this for much longer. I cant take being me. I need help but I do not know where to turn. I am going to try and taper my dose over the next couple of days. I hope this help with dealing with the post acute withdraw syndrome (p.a.w.s).

Dee74

welcome to SR Addict45621
Coming here is good start - you'll find a ton of support and a lot of ideas

Everyone here knows where you are - I was primarily an alcoholic but the people here helped me turn my life around - I know you'll find that help too

D

Addict45621

Thank you for your reply. I jusy feel like a lost cause.

Dee74

I think many of us do - I certainly did when I came here.
Years of drugs and booze really did a number on my self esteem and self respect.

I tried to remember we aren't simply defined by what we do - we are more than our addiction/s

Every one of us deserves better
D

recoverywfaith

You are definetly not a lost cause. Glad you are here at SR seeking support. I felt bad when I first sobered up too. I utilize AA as well as SR - maybe NA or AA can help you too?

Addict45621

Its not just feeling bad. I have desteoyed myself and my family. I am going to try to start a taper tomorrow because I just started an new job. I was fired from my last one because I kept leaving to score dope. 120 mile round trip.I wish I could be like all the other people at work and not be a junkie and just have one day that is not consumed with getting my nect pill or fix or whatever you call it.

Addict45621

I think its truly amazing that people can get through thier day without a monkey on thier back. I feel so out of place everywhere I go except the dope hole.

FT

Hi Addict45621,

Glad you're here.

You're going to feel sick for at least a week, which will make it hard to work. Given the amount of tylenol you were ingesting, you may have just saved your life. It would be a good idea to have a doctor check you out, check your liver function, and give you the go ahead for detox.

I'd get your mom on board, too. Getting clean is difficult at best, and you'll benefit from everyone helping you that can.

Good luck!

FT

djensen

Addict45621- I was and still am where you are right now, only I am 8 days clean off the dope. I still have feelings of "oh my God, what have I done to my life" and feel terrible about putting my family and friends through that for so long. Its ok to feel that way, all of us do to one extent or another but it DOES get better. Everyday I am feeling more and more like I am "plugged in" to my life and paying more attention to my family and friends and not worried about scoring dope.
You are worth the fight and you can do this, trust me, you can do this! I totally agree with Failedtaper, you are going to have a rough few days and work is not the best idea, even though I worked through all of my WD symptons, I dont recommend it. If you can call in sick for even a day or two, that will help you a lot, (as long as you dont go get dope). Hang in there, you can do it and we have all been where you are right now and let me tell you, the short time I have been a member on SR, its been a HUGE help!!!!

Keep your head up!

Addict45621

I tried to get through the day. I could not sit still at work. My oxy dealer is out so I am getting some heroin. Another day as a junkie.

Addict45621

The really messed up part is I have a pocket full of vicodin 10/325 took 6 of em and thst did not calm me down

djensen

WOW, be careful, relapses happen yes, but OD's do too.......

djensen

I am going to be blunt here, dont take offense............

If you really WANT to quit, you would not have a pocket full of Uncles and you wouldnt be talking to your ox dealer anymore either. You need to cut the ties with those people if you are serious about being sober. I had to call the pharmacy, my doctor and about 6 of my friends and tell them all that no matter what, even if I was on their doorstep with a severed arm, dont give me ANYTHING!!! Guess what, it worked, I had a terrible bout of cravings yesterday and if I would have had somewhere to score, I probably would have but I cut all those ties and that was my saving grace.

Good luck, we are all here for you no matter what, using or not, so dont be scared off or feel guilty.

FT

Addict,

DJ is right.

When you WANT to quit, we're here to help you. I personally can't be your cheering squad to continue what you are doing now.

FT

Addict45621

Dj the reason I had a Vicodin was to taper my dose slowley. I guess I am just not mentaly strong enough to control how much I take. I failed yesterday, however I did give my wife all my bank and cc cards and had her take my name off the bank accounts so I have no access to money. I also contacted several rehab places and the cheapest I found was 2,500 and my inshurance covered the other 3,000 a total of 5,500.


I also found a doctor who specaizes in additicion therapy. I made it 10 hours in between doses today. I also found my big book and just for today and started reading.


I know these steps mean nothing until I quit. I feel so horrible that I could not even make it through the day. I also made a decision to back to meetings. I was going to meetings in June. I could not put the dope down so I stopped going. I have eight white chips for every meeting. I am scared that they will reject me if I try to return.

Addict45621

I thank all for being blunt. I need as much help as I can get. it's what I need to hear. I also updated my life inshurance in case I od before I can get to rehab.

I just want to end all this crazyness and return to a normal life.

I will post how I did each day here.

Addict45621

I am going to document my struggle here so I can look back on the positives and the negatives. Please I need all the help I can get.

HappyAlone

i don't know anything about doctors or therapy or rehab. I just left everything behind and my withdrawal experience to this day is as vivid as ever. Forget slowly weaning and just stop. Now. Get ready for something worse than your worst thoughts of hell... and prepare for the liberation on the other side.
Your life is yours to sculpt, so be creative and kind. Keep a journal, whether here or in pen. Write down every thought and idea. Keep agendas and goals for every day. Small things. Easy accomplish. Then slowly set larger, more difficult goals. Make staying clean your abusive habit. There is no doubt you can do it. So just f-ing do it already. If it were easy than it wouldn't be the most important thing you will ever do.

Kahlia

It seems from reading some of your posts you are setting yourself up to fail? I am just concerned that you need to stop now.......before you do O.D.-just that simple. I am praying for you. I cannot uphold your mission to kill yourself.

Blessings,
KAHLIA

Trying4soblife

Hey addict and welcome!!! I will send my info privately to you so you can read it.. It was way to much to put on here! I am glad you are back though and hope you are here to stay!!