taking a little trip... a guilt trip
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
taking a little trip... a guilt trip
my motherhas been living with me for 3 years and it is very much time to not do this anymore. She's been on the list for her senior apartment nearly a year and is now #1. Except on Thurs she got a letter from the place stating she was denied an apt due to some issues with her prior landlord. My mother freaked out and went into an emotional tailspin, stating she might as well be dead (which was said in front of my 7 year old son). At any rate the place is closed on Friday so she has to go Monday to figure out what's wrong. There is something wrong b/c my mom has a spotless rental history. She found out the prior landlord did an accounting error and it looked like she owed them money which she does not. They wrote a letter for her to take to the new place on Monday.
my mother has not taken this as a good sign and has been in a foul mood all weekend. She made the decision that if she doesn't get the apt at that place or if they bumped her down on the list she will go back to the place she rented from before moving in with me. However, she wants a certain apt in a certain building that is available now, so she'd be moving rather quickly.
Which brings me to the guilt trip... She began laying it on thick tonight how she's old and in poor health and doesn't want to have to "keep starting over". I feel like dog poo for making my mother move out but honestly I can't do this anymore. She is controlling, closet drinking and its taking a huge toll on my boy. I tried to explain to her that it will be nice for her to go back to just being "grandma" and have more fun with him. I explained that she takes over in nearly every situation and undermines me, which also robs me of my chance to parent my only child. I gently explained that I need my adult life back. Her response was that "you just want me gone so your girlfriend can move in here". Which is partially true. My girlfriend moved out to go to rehab and it is not in her best interest to come back while my mother lives here, but she'll be doing transitional living after rehab so that isn't a factor. It goes with wanting the whole package of being an adult: and i'm in my late 30s so I dislike being treated like a 12 year old. Anyway she didn't hear anything I said about the positive aspects of her getting her own place again. Her motive is to make me feel bad about "kicking her out" so that she can stay. This cannot happen, but she just isn't hearing me on the WHY.. she only replies "you blame me for everything".
I feel badly for even posting this.. my inner voice is saying that some people no longer have their mothers so who am I to be "badmouthing" mine. Yes her guilt trip is reaching me on some level, but since I can't change my mind on this, I am left feeling like a big jerk.
Sorry for the long post... having a hard night
my mother has not taken this as a good sign and has been in a foul mood all weekend. She made the decision that if she doesn't get the apt at that place or if they bumped her down on the list she will go back to the place she rented from before moving in with me. However, she wants a certain apt in a certain building that is available now, so she'd be moving rather quickly.
Which brings me to the guilt trip... She began laying it on thick tonight how she's old and in poor health and doesn't want to have to "keep starting over". I feel like dog poo for making my mother move out but honestly I can't do this anymore. She is controlling, closet drinking and its taking a huge toll on my boy. I tried to explain to her that it will be nice for her to go back to just being "grandma" and have more fun with him. I explained that she takes over in nearly every situation and undermines me, which also robs me of my chance to parent my only child. I gently explained that I need my adult life back. Her response was that "you just want me gone so your girlfriend can move in here". Which is partially true. My girlfriend moved out to go to rehab and it is not in her best interest to come back while my mother lives here, but she'll be doing transitional living after rehab so that isn't a factor. It goes with wanting the whole package of being an adult: and i'm in my late 30s so I dislike being treated like a 12 year old. Anyway she didn't hear anything I said about the positive aspects of her getting her own place again. Her motive is to make me feel bad about "kicking her out" so that she can stay. This cannot happen, but she just isn't hearing me on the WHY.. she only replies "you blame me for everything".
I feel badly for even posting this.. my inner voice is saying that some people no longer have their mothers so who am I to be "badmouthing" mine. Yes her guilt trip is reaching me on some level, but since I can't change my mind on this, I am left feeling like a big jerk.
Sorry for the long post... having a hard night
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
You have the right to your own life, and you have the right to provide a stable environment for your child. If she can't understand that, nothing you say or do will change that. Don't feel guilty. You didn't cause this. She created her own fate, and you have done enough!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Hey, I've been on that same trip! :-) Actually more times then I want to admit.
Since starting my recovery I have tried very hard to make sure that I take care of myself first. Initially, my codependent tendencies were extremely strong. However, the bottom line is that you're no good to anyone else if your not taking care of your own physically and mental health.
Right after me come my children (ages 11 and 8). They still need me for so much. I'm working on being more emotionally available. When I'm caught up in drama and codependency, I'm not truly there for them.
Recovery is teaching me it's okay to put myself and my children first and to create an environment where we all feel safe. I didn't feel safe as a child and I want it to be different for them.
Hope it was a short trip ;-)
Peace,
db
Since starting my recovery I have tried very hard to make sure that I take care of myself first. Initially, my codependent tendencies were extremely strong. However, the bottom line is that you're no good to anyone else if your not taking care of your own physically and mental health.
Right after me come my children (ages 11 and 8). They still need me for so much. I'm working on being more emotionally available. When I'm caught up in drama and codependency, I'm not truly there for them.
Recovery is teaching me it's okay to put myself and my children first and to create an environment where we all feel safe. I didn't feel safe as a child and I want it to be different for them.
Hope it was a short trip ;-)
Peace,
db
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I have reread your post several times and do understand what you are saying.
Right now I am having an issue with my alcoholic mother, she is doing her best to guilt my brother and I to do something we do not want to do...of coarse it is geared to service her.. how,when and where she wants it done. My mother makes everything as difficult as possible for everyone.
My brother and I have discussed her demands and we are not going to cave.
I am not dealing with any guilt as I have learned that it is a self imposed emotion and that it serves no productive purpose. My brother is wrestling with it, yet, he said he will stand his ground, as he is tired of being brow beaten and is entitled to his own life.
My mother will be 86 in Feb and has been drinking for at least 65 years, she has lived her life on her own terms, she has attempted to make my and my brothers life a living hell, and, I for one will be glad when she is called to the great divide. If that statement offends anyone, I am sorry, however, I have walked along side her for 64 years and I am so done with her abuse, manipulation and irresponsible behavior.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, for your sanity and well being, put yourself first.
Sending support your way...Dolly
Right now I am having an issue with my alcoholic mother, she is doing her best to guilt my brother and I to do something we do not want to do...of coarse it is geared to service her.. how,when and where she wants it done. My mother makes everything as difficult as possible for everyone.
My brother and I have discussed her demands and we are not going to cave.
I am not dealing with any guilt as I have learned that it is a self imposed emotion and that it serves no productive purpose. My brother is wrestling with it, yet, he said he will stand his ground, as he is tired of being brow beaten and is entitled to his own life.
My mother will be 86 in Feb and has been drinking for at least 65 years, she has lived her life on her own terms, she has attempted to make my and my brothers life a living hell, and, I for one will be glad when she is called to the great divide. If that statement offends anyone, I am sorry, however, I have walked along side her for 64 years and I am so done with her abuse, manipulation and irresponsible behavior.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, for your sanity and well being, put yourself first.
Sending support your way...Dolly
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
Thanks for the words and support. Though its not fun I do admit I'm glad I'm not the only one dealing with this.
This morning before work I was told I was a terrible daughter and her friends' kids do so much more for them. And that I should've "asked more convincingly" in order to take her to see another senior apartment. I asked her 3x if she wanted me to take her there this weekend but apparently I wasn't persuasive enough.
I flat out asked her, "does anything stick to you at all"? She's never taken an ounce of responsibility for anything she says or does.
It is because of my Alanon program that I am able to stick to my guns and set limits with her. I no longer let her slide all her blame and responsibility onto my plate. I push it right back and tell her to eat it.
Incidentally she called the apartment today and they told her not to worry; once they get the letter from the prior landlord she's back on track. So all that BS she put me through for nothing. And she's acting normal as pie, like nothing ever happened and she knew all along it was going to be OK.
Argh! At least if things are back on track maybe she'll be moving by next month (keep your fingers crossed)!
This morning before work I was told I was a terrible daughter and her friends' kids do so much more for them. And that I should've "asked more convincingly" in order to take her to see another senior apartment. I asked her 3x if she wanted me to take her there this weekend but apparently I wasn't persuasive enough.
I flat out asked her, "does anything stick to you at all"? She's never taken an ounce of responsibility for anything she says or does.
It is because of my Alanon program that I am able to stick to my guns and set limits with her. I no longer let her slide all her blame and responsibility onto my plate. I push it right back and tell her to eat it.
Incidentally she called the apartment today and they told her not to worry; once they get the letter from the prior landlord she's back on track. So all that BS she put me through for nothing. And she's acting normal as pie, like nothing ever happened and she knew all along it was going to be OK.
Argh! At least if things are back on track maybe she'll be moving by next month (keep your fingers crossed)!
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