Newbie!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: London, England
Posts: 5
Newbie!
Hi, please excuse the length of this and I also wish I'd seen this a few years ago as I think I may be shutting the stable doors after the horse has bolted in respect to my fathers drinking and our relationship.
My name is Becci, I'm 30 and from London, England and my father has been a drinker for as long as I can remember. I think I became aware of just how the problem had grown when I was about 9 or 10, the usual things, he used to drink expensive whisky and then it turned to vodka. He used to drink openly and then he'd 'hide' it. Our house was a treasure trove of empty bottles when I was growing up. He even used to hide bottles in our washing machine. We never had any money even though both my parents had good jobs. In the end my father was retired early for 'medical reasons' 10 years ago which was possibly the worst thing that could have happened. He essentially got the UK equivilent of $1800 a month for sitting on his backside drinking all day while my Mum worked. This is really when he started to deteriorate.
I moved out at 18, and in all honesty didn't really speak to my Dad much. I resented the fact that he'd spend all that money on vodka and cigarettes while my Mum did 16 hour days as a Nurse just to pay the bills. I resented her a little for not just leaving him and having some sort of life herself. But my Mum is a carer and she couldn't leave.
To cut to the chase, my brother got married last weekend and I saw my Dad for the first time in a while. He looked skeletal, most of his teeth have fallen out, he can't walk unaided for more than 100 yards and his speech was incoherant and muddled. His arms had big bruises and lesions. He looked older than my grandfather and my Dad is 55 and my Grandfather 80! AND HE WAS STILL DRINKING! Was staying with them overnight and when we got home from the Reception, the first thing he did was grab his vodka from the water boiler cabinet where he's hidden it, drop it, it smashed all over the place and then just stood there while my 3 year old stood on it. I went absolutely mad and 20+ years of anger/frustration/fear just erupted and I told him exactly how I felt, how alcohol had become more important than his wife and family. He just looked straight through me, didn't say a word and switched the TV on.
To give him his due he sought help (Mum frogmarched him to our GP) the following Monday and the prognosis is not good. He hasn't been eating so he is severely malnourished, he has haemorraging behind his eyes and blood is leaking under his skin all over his body. His blood tests have shown his liver is seriously damaged and he has a neurology appointment tomorrow to see what damage he had done to his brain/nervous system. The thing is, he seems to have got worse since not having a drink. He throws up everything he eats, urinating blood, he looks even worse and now he cannot stand up by himself or sleep. I know the DT's have set in but I fear he doesn't have long left.
I should hate him for what he put my brother, mother and I through all these years. All the embarrassment, hand me down clothes, no holidays, the worrying but part of me wants the Daddy I remember before alcohol really took a grip back. The one that used to do my hair for Ballet as a 5 year old, who used to hold me when Bambi's mum died and who used to carry me to bed when I fell asleep in the car.
I'm just so scared for him and angry at the same time. I love and hate my father in equal measure but I don't want him to die.
I really just needed to write all this down. My partner doesn't really understand as he just hates him but he's my dad so I've never really told anyone. No-one even knows my dad is an alcoholic apart from family! It's like my family dirty secret.
Becci xxx
My name is Becci, I'm 30 and from London, England and my father has been a drinker for as long as I can remember. I think I became aware of just how the problem had grown when I was about 9 or 10, the usual things, he used to drink expensive whisky and then it turned to vodka. He used to drink openly and then he'd 'hide' it. Our house was a treasure trove of empty bottles when I was growing up. He even used to hide bottles in our washing machine. We never had any money even though both my parents had good jobs. In the end my father was retired early for 'medical reasons' 10 years ago which was possibly the worst thing that could have happened. He essentially got the UK equivilent of $1800 a month for sitting on his backside drinking all day while my Mum worked. This is really when he started to deteriorate.
I moved out at 18, and in all honesty didn't really speak to my Dad much. I resented the fact that he'd spend all that money on vodka and cigarettes while my Mum did 16 hour days as a Nurse just to pay the bills. I resented her a little for not just leaving him and having some sort of life herself. But my Mum is a carer and she couldn't leave.
To cut to the chase, my brother got married last weekend and I saw my Dad for the first time in a while. He looked skeletal, most of his teeth have fallen out, he can't walk unaided for more than 100 yards and his speech was incoherant and muddled. His arms had big bruises and lesions. He looked older than my grandfather and my Dad is 55 and my Grandfather 80! AND HE WAS STILL DRINKING! Was staying with them overnight and when we got home from the Reception, the first thing he did was grab his vodka from the water boiler cabinet where he's hidden it, drop it, it smashed all over the place and then just stood there while my 3 year old stood on it. I went absolutely mad and 20+ years of anger/frustration/fear just erupted and I told him exactly how I felt, how alcohol had become more important than his wife and family. He just looked straight through me, didn't say a word and switched the TV on.
To give him his due he sought help (Mum frogmarched him to our GP) the following Monday and the prognosis is not good. He hasn't been eating so he is severely malnourished, he has haemorraging behind his eyes and blood is leaking under his skin all over his body. His blood tests have shown his liver is seriously damaged and he has a neurology appointment tomorrow to see what damage he had done to his brain/nervous system. The thing is, he seems to have got worse since not having a drink. He throws up everything he eats, urinating blood, he looks even worse and now he cannot stand up by himself or sleep. I know the DT's have set in but I fear he doesn't have long left.
I should hate him for what he put my brother, mother and I through all these years. All the embarrassment, hand me down clothes, no holidays, the worrying but part of me wants the Daddy I remember before alcohol really took a grip back. The one that used to do my hair for Ballet as a 5 year old, who used to hold me when Bambi's mum died and who used to carry me to bed when I fell asleep in the car.
I'm just so scared for him and angry at the same time. I love and hate my father in equal measure but I don't want him to die.
I really just needed to write all this down. My partner doesn't really understand as he just hates him but he's my dad so I've never really told anyone. No-one even knows my dad is an alcoholic apart from family! It's like my family dirty secret.
Becci xxx
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Your post has tears wallowing at the corner of my eyes. I am so sorry you are feeling this much pain and going through this. I know what it is like to have the love/hate emotions entangled into one.
Your father is in the later stages of his alcoholism as it sounds. There is nothing you can do to save him. Despite his declining health condition, he still has chosen to submit to the addictive voice. Alcoholism, the disease itself, is mysterious as it takes over the life of a loving kind individual, and it is unfortunate how rapid it can progress. At this advanced stage of his alcoholism if he were to detox it would be crucial for it to be done under medical care. The withdrawal symptoms can become fatal. He would have to be the one to want to unleash the addiction from himself.
The only thing you have control over is yourself. Education on alcoholism and codependency is advisable. It would also be good to sort out those feelings and detangle them. It is not healthy to hold so many resentments, and now would be the time to seek support. A good start is coming here, and you also might look into an Al-Anon meeting in your area: http://="http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk...anonuk.org.uk/. Counseling may not be a bad idea either.
My thoughts are with you, and your father. I wish I could tell you that there is a magic pill that would just take your pain away, and lift his addiction as well. There isn’t, though, and there are no easy answers either. Keep posting here. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Welcome Becci,I lost a brother,and my younger brother lost his partner to this terrible Addiction of Alcoholism.I could not do anything to help either of them.They both knew that I was an Alcoholic and that I got sober by attending AA.Denial is such a terrible thing for the Problem Drinker......................as it says in our Big Book.................Even those last gaspers can make it ,if the have the capacity to be honest with themselves................So you can never say never.Prayer my be the only thing that you or I can do to help him now.
In the mean time get to an Al Anon Meeting for yourself as has been suggested.We are always here to listen.Bless you...........and the rest of your family,especially your DAD.
In the mean time get to an Al Anon Meeting for yourself as has been suggested.We are always here to listen.Bless you...........and the rest of your family,especially your DAD.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I just reread my post and notice that the Al-Anon link for some reason didn't post correctly. I thought I would try again.
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
That's good advice (medical supervision), because in an advanced stage of the disease, withdrawal from booze can be just as fatal as the booze itself. That's sort of what might have happened to my Dad, who died a little less than a year ago at 90. He was doddering along, declining somewhat but all in all not in bad shape for 90, but then he stopped drinking for several days, and something happened that landed him in a state of extreme confusion, on the floor, and in the hospital. Long story short, he never really recovered, and although he lingered for another 7 months or so, that was pretty much all she wrote.
The important thing to realize is that your father's fate is NOT -- repeat, NOT -- in your hands. Despite what everyone (read: family members) says, it is not within our power to control our parents! Shocking concept, I know, but there you have it. Our parents are going to do what they're going to do, and there is little we can (or, depending on your point of view, should) do about it.
What's likely to happen is that he'll check into the hospital for awhile, get a little bit stabilized, come home, then figure he's okay and start hitting the bottle again. Or it may be that he'll decide this is it, that it's time to get sober and try to regain his health. Either way, though, it's his decision. If it were yours, and there were some way to force him to get sober, we wouldn't keep it a secret -- this is the part that's hard for non-program family members to get. They think that if you turn it over, that means you "don't care" and are "abandoning" your poor helpless parent. Unfortunately, this line of thinking is another thing that it is not within our power to change. In my case, I just ended up reducing contact with my cousins (etc.) when they gave me a load of nonsense. They have no right to harangue me, and I don't have to listen to it.
When my Dad died, I felt only relief. That's normal, and there is no need to go on a guilt trip about it -- despite our cousins' best efforts to send us on one!
T
The important thing to realize is that your father's fate is NOT -- repeat, NOT -- in your hands. Despite what everyone (read: family members) says, it is not within our power to control our parents! Shocking concept, I know, but there you have it. Our parents are going to do what they're going to do, and there is little we can (or, depending on your point of view, should) do about it.
What's likely to happen is that he'll check into the hospital for awhile, get a little bit stabilized, come home, then figure he's okay and start hitting the bottle again. Or it may be that he'll decide this is it, that it's time to get sober and try to regain his health. Either way, though, it's his decision. If it were yours, and there were some way to force him to get sober, we wouldn't keep it a secret -- this is the part that's hard for non-program family members to get. They think that if you turn it over, that means you "don't care" and are "abandoning" your poor helpless parent. Unfortunately, this line of thinking is another thing that it is not within our power to change. In my case, I just ended up reducing contact with my cousins (etc.) when they gave me a load of nonsense. They have no right to harangue me, and I don't have to listen to it.
When my Dad died, I felt only relief. That's normal, and there is no need to go on a guilt trip about it -- despite our cousins' best efforts to send us on one!
T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Thank you for sharing your story Becci.
I can relate to so much, especially the love/hate relationship part.
My father was an alcoholic my entire life. He passed away last year at the age of 71 after being sick for about two years.
I'm sorry you're going through this right now.
The years leading up to my father's death and then arranging the service/burial were extremely tough for me. However, in the long run it helped me process all the mixed up emotions I had about my father.
I hope that you are also able to eventually find peace & serenity.
Please take care of yourself.
Hugs,
db
I can relate to so much, especially the love/hate relationship part.
My father was an alcoholic my entire life. He passed away last year at the age of 71 after being sick for about two years.
I'm sorry you're going through this right now.
The years leading up to my father's death and then arranging the service/burial were extremely tough for me. However, in the long run it helped me process all the mixed up emotions I had about my father.
I hope that you are also able to eventually find peace & serenity.
Please take care of yourself.
Hugs,
db
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
I feel as though I could have written your post myself...right down to the vodka bottles hidden in the washing machine.
I echo the others with regard to medical supervision for him during this time, hospitalization may be in order. Please read the thread about my mother when she was in ICU for this very reason. She had very similar problems as your father is displaying. It's playing with fire this DT's thing...when they reach the point in their alcoholism that your father has.
I echo the others with regard to medical supervision for him during this time, hospitalization may be in order. Please read the thread about my mother when she was in ICU for this very reason. She had very similar problems as your father is displaying. It's playing with fire this DT's thing...when they reach the point in their alcoholism that your father has.
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