So what's the downside of being one of the favored children?
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So what's the downside of being one of the favored children?
I'm most definitely the scapegoat in my family. It's pretty obvious why that would be unpleasant.
But I have a friend who keeps telling me my siblings look so sad all the time. The youngest is definitely the golden child, the mascot, the one who can do no wrong. So why is she sad? How does growing up in an alcoholic family affect the favored kids?
But I have a friend who keeps telling me my siblings look so sad all the time. The youngest is definitely the golden child, the mascot, the one who can do no wrong. So why is she sad? How does growing up in an alcoholic family affect the favored kids?
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It affects all who are exposed to this toxic enviorment. My brother is my mothers favorite. He was raised in a violent alcohol frenzy. He has no children, he was afraid to, he has trouble bonding with women, he practices avoidance.
Basically, he always did what old mom wanted, now he has enough, he is saying no to her...well, she is really pissed...he is now on the same list as I am on....the sheet list.
Basically, he always did what old mom wanted, now he has enough, he is saying no to her...well, she is really pissed...he is now on the same list as I am on....the sheet list.
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Originally Posted by dollydo 
Basically, he always did what old mom wanted, now he has enough, he is saying no to her...well, she is really pissed...he is now on the same list as I am on....the sheet list.
It's freed me up to live my life without her constant pressure and opinions and criticisms. It was also easy (relatively speaking) for me to walk away and establish a life outside the alcoholic family, since it wasn't that pleasant for me being there anyway.
But I wonder if my sister is subjected to her constant visits and opinions, if that's a problem, if the negativity about other people gets wearing, if she feels she has to do as she's told to preserve the golden child status she enjoys, if she knows deep down that if she steps a toe out of line, she'll be on The List, too?
I can also see that my mother has caused a lot of trouble between me and my sister, which obviously hurts my sister, who I know deep down would love to have a good relationship with me. But my mother has skewed her thinking in a way that makes it virtually impossible, unless my sister finally breaks out of the alcoholic family stories and sees things are not quite what she's been told about me for the last 35 years.
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I can so relate to your post.
Here's my take on the whole family role thing - they serve as a distraction and a way of coping with the craziness of a dysfunctional family. A way of covering up the pain. For example, by constantly seeing fault and focusing on the scapegoat, the family can avoid looking/admitting the true problems in the family. The golden child also serves as a distraction but in a different way, members can project themselves onto the "perfect" child and this child is thought of as a way of saving the family image. Things can't be that bad when you have a hugely successful child. Obviously, neither case is actually true. It's an extension of black and white thinking. So hard for the scapegoat to feel anything else but "bad". So hard for the golden child to accept their own limitations. Golden children feel a constant desire to perform and are worried that they are not lovable unless they are perfect.
All these roles are so similar to the ACA traits that children brought up in dysfunctional homes often have -
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
My mother also helped to create a strained relationship between my sister and me. She would often tell us that sisters have a close bond and encourage us to be each other's "best friend". However, she would then talk about us to each other. We in turn would run back to mommy whenever we had a fight. It put my mother in a very powerful position.
I still speak with both my mother and sister, although mostly on a superficial level. I no longer talk about my sister to my mother and she has done the same. I'm sure I still do tons of things that annoy both of them, but I choose not to think about it anymore.
I still look at both of them as being very active in their illness. I used to envy their relationship and "closeness", but now I am so grateful that I was able to breakaway from the strong forces of a dysfunctional family system.
Thanks for letting me share.
db
Here's my take on the whole family role thing - they serve as a distraction and a way of coping with the craziness of a dysfunctional family. A way of covering up the pain. For example, by constantly seeing fault and focusing on the scapegoat, the family can avoid looking/admitting the true problems in the family. The golden child also serves as a distraction but in a different way, members can project themselves onto the "perfect" child and this child is thought of as a way of saving the family image. Things can't be that bad when you have a hugely successful child. Obviously, neither case is actually true. It's an extension of black and white thinking. So hard for the scapegoat to feel anything else but "bad". So hard for the golden child to accept their own limitations. Golden children feel a constant desire to perform and are worried that they are not lovable unless they are perfect.
All these roles are so similar to the ACA traits that children brought up in dysfunctional homes often have -
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
My mother also helped to create a strained relationship between my sister and me. She would often tell us that sisters have a close bond and encourage us to be each other's "best friend". However, she would then talk about us to each other. We in turn would run back to mommy whenever we had a fight. It put my mother in a very powerful position.
I still speak with both my mother and sister, although mostly on a superficial level. I no longer talk about my sister to my mother and she has done the same. I'm sure I still do tons of things that annoy both of them, but I choose not to think about it anymore.
I still look at both of them as being very active in their illness. I used to envy their relationship and "closeness", but now I am so grateful that I was able to breakaway from the strong forces of a dysfunctional family system.
Thanks for letting me share.
db
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Hm.. interesting topic.
I have a slightly different experience b/c the "favorite" has shifted a few times.
My oldest sister was mom's favorite - mostly b/c she was the one that could get away from her. The rest of us were stuck where we were, but M had a different dad and at 16 opted to live with him. For the rest of her life she was the favorite, simply b/c my mother wanted her attention. She was stuck with the other 2, but M was special b/c she could turn her back (and did).
Then in 2000 M died in a car accident, so she is immortalized high on her pedestal. My mother practically has a shrine to her with photos; the "family album" is 75% photos of M.
I was the favorite for awhile b/c I was the one to go to college and have a career, so it gave her something to brag about with friends - that she was a good mom b/c this one turned out OK.
Then my other sister (middle child) became favorite when she moved far away and my mother had to get her attention. By that time mom was living with me, so I was back to being "same old" and under her thumb.
My mother has lived in my house for the past 3 years and I'm slapping myself on the head wondering why on earth I ever thought that was a good idea. Its gotten progressively more miserable, culminating in when I started a relationship (how dare I!) that she sees as a direct competition for my attention. It has also brought all my "old stuff" to the forefront not only how she is and treats me, but her reactions to my son. He is starting to grow up in the same environment I did, and its not good. I've asked her to move out and she's been on a wait list for senior housing for nearly a year. I'm praying she gets the apartment soon (#1 on the list) b/c I'm not sure how long I can live with my life on hold nor will I allow my son to be raised in the same toxic sludge I grew up in. He is getting a lot of mixed messages b/c I will tell him its OK to do something, she will come in and say "you can't do that". He's 7 and she doesn't even like him pouring his own milk!
To top it off she drinks nightly and takes Klonopin on top of that. Its hard to unravel what personality issues are alcoholic traits vs "transparently crazy" as my partner puts it. I think she may be Borderline... but at any rate I know she is never going to change, nothing is her fault and she was a terrific mother.
Anyway, sorry I could go on for days about my frustrations... feels pretty good to vent a little thanks.
I have a slightly different experience b/c the "favorite" has shifted a few times.
My oldest sister was mom's favorite - mostly b/c she was the one that could get away from her. The rest of us were stuck where we were, but M had a different dad and at 16 opted to live with him. For the rest of her life she was the favorite, simply b/c my mother wanted her attention. She was stuck with the other 2, but M was special b/c she could turn her back (and did).
Then in 2000 M died in a car accident, so she is immortalized high on her pedestal. My mother practically has a shrine to her with photos; the "family album" is 75% photos of M.
I was the favorite for awhile b/c I was the one to go to college and have a career, so it gave her something to brag about with friends - that she was a good mom b/c this one turned out OK.
Then my other sister (middle child) became favorite when she moved far away and my mother had to get her attention. By that time mom was living with me, so I was back to being "same old" and under her thumb.
My mother has lived in my house for the past 3 years and I'm slapping myself on the head wondering why on earth I ever thought that was a good idea. Its gotten progressively more miserable, culminating in when I started a relationship (how dare I!) that she sees as a direct competition for my attention. It has also brought all my "old stuff" to the forefront not only how she is and treats me, but her reactions to my son. He is starting to grow up in the same environment I did, and its not good. I've asked her to move out and she's been on a wait list for senior housing for nearly a year. I'm praying she gets the apartment soon (#1 on the list) b/c I'm not sure how long I can live with my life on hold nor will I allow my son to be raised in the same toxic sludge I grew up in. He is getting a lot of mixed messages b/c I will tell him its OK to do something, she will come in and say "you can't do that". He's 7 and she doesn't even like him pouring his own milk!
To top it off she drinks nightly and takes Klonopin on top of that. Its hard to unravel what personality issues are alcoholic traits vs "transparently crazy" as my partner puts it. I think she may be Borderline... but at any rate I know she is never going to change, nothing is her fault and she was a terrific mother.
Anyway, sorry I could go on for days about my frustrations... feels pretty good to vent a little thanks.
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I'm in my late 40's and have enjoyed some brief moments as "The Favorite" or at least there have been times where I truly believed that my mother loved/approved of me.
In order to be in her good graces though we can't disagree with how she things that things should be. Whenever I disagree with her I am ungrateful, selfish, don't appreciate everything she has done for me, and am "just like my father". My father was the alcoholic in my family of origin and this last phrase is usually her ultimate insult.
As much as I try to detach and not care, typing this out gives me a little pit in my stomach.
Thanks for letting me share.
db
In order to be in her good graces though we can't disagree with how she things that things should be. Whenever I disagree with her I am ungrateful, selfish, don't appreciate everything she has done for me, and am "just like my father". My father was the alcoholic in my family of origin and this last phrase is usually her ultimate insult.
As much as I try to detach and not care, typing this out gives me a little pit in my stomach.
Thanks for letting me share.
db
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As I think about it, there have been brief interludes where I was the 'favorite,' in which my mother confided to me all of my older sibling's flaws. I was very uncomfortable with it, with being put in the middle.
I appreciate the responses, because I know my sister, although she seems to me to have a real air of superiority in regards to me, although she is way too free with letting me know how I need to just do better, be better, tell me how to live, etc., I know she's a victim, too, and I know she's been taught this attitude and this behavior since she could understand spoken language. It helps me to hear it from those who are in her shoes, and maybe that will help me in the event any of them ever walk away from this family disease.
I appreciate the responses, because I know my sister, although she seems to me to have a real air of superiority in regards to me, although she is way too free with letting me know how I need to just do better, be better, tell me how to live, etc., I know she's a victim, too, and I know she's been taught this attitude and this behavior since she could understand spoken language. It helps me to hear it from those who are in her shoes, and maybe that will help me in the event any of them ever walk away from this family disease.
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My only sibling, my brother (6 years younger) was always the golden child of the two of us.
As it was, he married an addict and spent 20 years in a lousy marriage. I was amazed when he finally divorced her.
He's also a workaholic and over-achiever.
As it was, he married an addict and spent 20 years in a lousy marriage. I was amazed when he finally divorced her.
He's also a workaholic and over-achiever.
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Growing up, I was the golden child. Not that I could do no wrong, but compared to my siblings, they were stupid and idiots and couldn't do anything right, where I got good grades and was useful (dad's perception, not mine).
But when I became an adult, my ability to make good decisions and not be bullied by him made him turn on me. Suddenly I was trying to steal all his money (which would be like robbing a bank for $1 - not worth the effort). I was trying to take things from him. I was - everything he feared I would become, even though that really wasn't who I am. He never took the time to get to know me.
In short: the higher the pedestal, the further there is to fall when they kick the pedestal out from under you. And other siblings end up hating you for it. So not only is the golden child put up on a very high very unstable pedestal, which they must work very hard to stay on if they don't want to hit the ground hard, the rest of the people around them hate them for their pedestal.
Toss in some guilt that the golden child is being obviously treated better than their siblings (not all golden children want to wear the crown), and it can be equally as damaging.
I have fallen from grace, but it didn't happen until I was an adult and had gotten enough coping skills going to be just peachy dandy fine with it. It wasn't until the pedestal was gone that my sister and I could develop a relationship of equals. For a while, the golden child was my nephew, but he's grown up and has lost the crown also. Now the golden child is a family friend, who feels terrible about having had the crown thrust upon him. My sister and I have told him he's welcome to it and we bear him no ill will and all good wishes in wearing that crown.
The crown of the golden child also brought with it the very unreasonable expectations that I could fix anything if I just tried. If I didn't manage to soothe ruffled feathers or make situations better, than I just wasn't trying hard enough. I still haven't quit gotten that out of my system yet, still working on trying to incorporate into my brain that I can't fix everything or everyone.
Recently there was a major incident in my family. For 30 years I've been trying (well, really, I've been expected to, in the role of golden child) hold my family together. The recent incident has blown the family apart and I am *still* trying to hold what's left of the family together.
Don't envy the golden child. They have it just as bad as the black sheep - it's just a different flavor of bad.
But when I became an adult, my ability to make good decisions and not be bullied by him made him turn on me. Suddenly I was trying to steal all his money (which would be like robbing a bank for $1 - not worth the effort). I was trying to take things from him. I was - everything he feared I would become, even though that really wasn't who I am. He never took the time to get to know me.
In short: the higher the pedestal, the further there is to fall when they kick the pedestal out from under you. And other siblings end up hating you for it. So not only is the golden child put up on a very high very unstable pedestal, which they must work very hard to stay on if they don't want to hit the ground hard, the rest of the people around them hate them for their pedestal.
Toss in some guilt that the golden child is being obviously treated better than their siblings (not all golden children want to wear the crown), and it can be equally as damaging.
I have fallen from grace, but it didn't happen until I was an adult and had gotten enough coping skills going to be just peachy dandy fine with it. It wasn't until the pedestal was gone that my sister and I could develop a relationship of equals. For a while, the golden child was my nephew, but he's grown up and has lost the crown also. Now the golden child is a family friend, who feels terrible about having had the crown thrust upon him. My sister and I have told him he's welcome to it and we bear him no ill will and all good wishes in wearing that crown.
The crown of the golden child also brought with it the very unreasonable expectations that I could fix anything if I just tried. If I didn't manage to soothe ruffled feathers or make situations better, than I just wasn't trying hard enough. I still haven't quit gotten that out of my system yet, still working on trying to incorporate into my brain that I can't fix everything or everyone.
Recently there was a major incident in my family. For 30 years I've been trying (well, really, I've been expected to, in the role of golden child) hold my family together. The recent incident has blown the family apart and I am *still* trying to hold what's left of the family together.
Don't envy the golden child. They have it just as bad as the black sheep - it's just a different flavor of bad.
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Fear.
My sister spent a lot of time worried that if I wasn't the scapegoat, she would fall into that slot. Lets face it, there has to be a scape goat. No disfunctional family can be without one. She spent a lot of time and energy keeping her slot as the golden child, driving herself to be uber successful, marrying the perfect guy, perfect kids. On the down side lashing out with vengance when her status as the #1 kid is threatened.
My sister spent a lot of time worried that if I wasn't the scapegoat, she would fall into that slot. Lets face it, there has to be a scape goat. No disfunctional family can be without one. She spent a lot of time and energy keeping her slot as the golden child, driving herself to be uber successful, marrying the perfect guy, perfect kids. On the down side lashing out with vengance when her status as the #1 kid is threatened.
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This is very interesting but I don't see any downside in my family's favored.
I have 5 siblings. The first and the last were favored and they have never seen the reality that we lived. The oldest has said all her life, that we were just stupid and didn't know how to stay out of trouble, being beat was just our fault. The youngest says she never saw anything and her Dad was perfect. The rest of us were beat unmercifully all our childhood lives, even being woken up to be beat after a drunken night.
I have always wondered why they are in such denial, with no communication with the rest of us. They truly believe their mantras. Course he was really really nice to them and they loved it. So cruel.
But we have all worked through it, and just resigned ourselves to the way it is. The favored have their families and don't need us 'troublemakers', ha ha. We all stay within our own families now and rarely get together save for a funeral or wedding. Even then we have to be careful to not get the lecture if we let loose with a "remember when" story. They are definitely still in the no talk rule zone but it's so deep it's believed by them.
I have 5 siblings. The first and the last were favored and they have never seen the reality that we lived. The oldest has said all her life, that we were just stupid and didn't know how to stay out of trouble, being beat was just our fault. The youngest says she never saw anything and her Dad was perfect. The rest of us were beat unmercifully all our childhood lives, even being woken up to be beat after a drunken night.
I have always wondered why they are in such denial, with no communication with the rest of us. They truly believe their mantras. Course he was really really nice to them and they loved it. So cruel.
But we have all worked through it, and just resigned ourselves to the way it is. The favored have their families and don't need us 'troublemakers', ha ha. We all stay within our own families now and rarely get together save for a funeral or wedding. Even then we have to be careful to not get the lecture if we let loose with a "remember when" story. They are definitely still in the no talk rule zone but it's so deep it's believed by them.
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This is very interesting but I don't see any downside in my family's favored.
For me, I used my status as 'golden child' to try to get my parents to calm down and to protect my siblings as much as I could. It was not uncommon for me to take a beating that would have gone to my siblings, because I knew it wouldn't be as bad for me as it would have been for them.
As a result, I turned into an adult who felt that I had to protect all the "underdogs" in the world. The pressure was enormous and drove me to drink. I had to be perfect. I had to keep my place as the golden child or the fallout on my siblings would be horrific. From the time I was 14, I tried to hold my family together. Now things have happened that are far too big for me to do that. The family is falling apart, but at least I've had enough therapy behind me to not hold myself accountable for that fallout.
I lost my place as golden child as an adult, when my dad transferred the crown to a family friend. He is now getting to feel the weight of that crown as he tries to figure out how to minimize the legal fallout from the trouble my dad's gotten himself into. He's discovering that that crown weighs a LOT and he's experiencing a bit of what I did, except that he's pushing 50 now (my dad is in his 70s) so he didn't grow up in this environment, so while it's hard for him, it isn't nearly as bad as it was for me.
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Very interesting all the different roles we are thrown into in our families. I don't think we had anyone that tried to keep the family together. I did a lot of babysitting of my sibs kids and rescued them, but not the family of origin. That's a lot of pressure on a growing kid. I'm glad you got out.
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This probably sounds like a strange question, but is it possible for there to be a secret favored child and a different outwardly favored child. I wonder this because my mother once told me that dad had told her once that of us three daughters, it was I who he predicted would "amount to something". Well, I can assure you that I was not favored. I was basically ignored and then as an adult me and my family (husband and children) were buoycotted by dad for about 15 years. He would not step foot into my home. Which was actually a blessing but at the time I still deeply yearned for his approval. My mother is a "Helpless" sort who fains weakness to make others take responsibility for her and take care of her. Dad was the alcoholic, functionally working and all, but definately an alcoholic and SA. The outwardly favored child is the older sister who earns her status by always doing things for mom and dad and by maintaining relationship with them on their terms (compliant). Anyway, is it possible that the reason my dad ignored me and buoycotted me for so many years (he also refused to give my hand in marriage when my husband asked to marry me) is because he had some secret/guilty attraction for me. Kind of like a favored child, but in an unspeakable way. I only ask this because a therapist friend of mine recently told me that she thought I was his favorite, only secret. None of us were sexually abused or even physically abused. It was all emotional and crazy making stuff. Dad passed away almost two years ago at the age of 84. I appreciate the opportunity to get this out there because part of me thinks its possible and part of me thinks its ridiculous. Anyway, the obvious scapegoat was/is the middle child, I was the youngest and the golden child was and is the oldest. No brothers, only sisters. As the youngest, I was the last attempt at a boy, since they already had two girls. Whatever the case may be, the favored child whether outwardly or secretly, suffers. I see my oldest sister has paid a heavy price for her compliance and denial.
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Originally Posted by walkingtall
This probably sounds like a strange question, but is it possible for there to be a secret favored child and a different outwardly favored child. I wonder this because my mother once told me that dad had told her once that of us three daughters, it was I who he predicted would "amount to something".
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I agree with Kialua here. Alcoholics are chaotic. Anything they say may be true *to them in the instant that they say it* but give it an hour or a day or a week, and they'll say they never said any such thing and will be telling you the exact opposite of what they said before. Unpredictable chaotic people cannot be relied upon to give you any kind of believable feedback - why worry about feedback that is going to shift faster than a mid-life crisis car on an open highway?
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Did anyone see this weeks TIME magazine? Cover story, Favorite Child. They are saying it's hardwired to have a favorite, the cutest, smartest, for survival. Hmmm, haven't we evolved past that? What a bogus excuse for bad parents to use now.
Playing Favorites - TIME
There's sweetness in the lies parents tell their kids, which is a very good thing, since they tell a lot of them. Yes, that indecipherable crayon scribble looks exactly like Grandma. No, I didn't put that tooth-fairy money under your pillow. The fibs — nearly all of them harmless — may differ depending on the family. But from clan to clan, culture to culture, there's one tall tale nearly all parents tell, and they tell it repeatedly: "We do not have a favorite child."
Playing Favorites - TIME
There's sweetness in the lies parents tell their kids, which is a very good thing, since they tell a lot of them. Yes, that indecipherable crayon scribble looks exactly like Grandma. No, I didn't put that tooth-fairy money under your pillow. The fibs — nearly all of them harmless — may differ depending on the family. But from clan to clan, culture to culture, there's one tall tale nearly all parents tell, and they tell it repeatedly: "We do not have a favorite child."
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