Once my A Dad died..everything got even worse..

Old 09-08-2011, 09:48 AM
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Once my A Dad died..everything got even worse..

Hello friends...I usually post in the F and F blog but this topic is a rough one. My dad died in March at the age of 60. Suddenly and unexpectedley. My mom found him. Where to even begin about my feelings and emotions. I hated him all my life but I was maybe sad or shocked to know he died. It seemed he was trying to make amends towards the end of his life although not directly. He was just nicer and seemed to care but he was still drinking. I feel so lost. I feel confused about how I should even feel. My insomnia got worse then ever and then the panic attacks. I wished I was dead every night. Not suicidal because I prayed the pain would go away but if not my vote was I rather be dead. I have spoken to my doctor about this and take medication but medication has never helped me.
My dad was an abusive, violent, mean drunk and evetually it didnt matter if he was drunk, this was the person he was whether drunk or sober. He hurt my mom and me countless times. We didnt deserve it and what he did has tainted our lives forever. Just like that he had the power to scar us and he never really looked back or cared.
So why is it that since he died I feel like a part of me died. Actually I take that back. I don't really know how to feel. I wish he didnt die as he became more pleasant in his old age. I guess I wished we had more time to see how things panned out. I wish he never hurt us in so many ways and was a good father but that isnt realistic.
I am a part of alanon but divorced my ex A. Alanon helps. But I am not really a happy person and I isolate all the time. I always have. I hated working for this reason but I always have worked. Until now. I no longer work by mutual agreement with my old employer because they treated me like a servant and I told them I was not the hired help. I am finally doing what I always wanted to do....I am in the school fulltime! I want to finish my bachelors and was going part time but that was killing me. Now I am taking a break from working and finishing my bachelors..and that scares me to death. Any decision I make scares me. I hope this is the right one...

Thanks for listening to this. I wish it was clearer as to what I feel but I am no longer sure of what I feel.

Lulu
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Old 09-08-2011, 12:07 PM
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Hi, Lulu, and welcome. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that when my Dad will die, I will grieve the loss of opportunity, the loss of dreams I had for him to get better and finally be the father I wished he had been. Even though I think I've accepted that he has a disease and I have to move on with my life, there is still a part of me, a little girl inside, who still wishes.

I'm guessing that little girl inside of you is still grieving, and it hurts. When my Mom died I felt like an orphan, like a 4 year old on my own in the world. Even though I was in my 40's and grown up, for a little while I hurt and felt scared. I guess that's normal to feel that way.

Sometimes I'd hear a song that would remind me of her and I'd start crying, even in the grocery store. For a year after she died I went to the thrift store a couple of times a week, shopping. Didn't spend much money but still bought stuff I didn't actually need. I calmed down after a year but looking back on it I think I probably should have been involved in a grief group or counseling or something during that time. I kind of medicated by shopping and tried to do it in a way that didn't harm our finances or anything but still it wasn't the best way I could have handled my grief and anxiety.

You are lots smarter than me because you are coming here and reaching out. That's a great thing to do to take care of yourself!

I know it's hard to do though because I'm a "lost child" and isolate, too. I hate being around other people pretty much because my anxiety gets the best of me. I have a lot of problems with fear. I can really identify with what you wrote, than you for writing here and for reaching out.

I know I didn't say anything helpful here, I guess I'm just rambling, but I wanted to say that I think I understand where you are coming from and I think you are doing the right thing by reaching out here and for sure things will get better with time. It doesn't hurt as much, once more time goes by.

Please be gentle with yourself during this tough time.
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Old 09-08-2011, 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow View Post
Hi, Lulu, and welcome. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that when my Dad will die, I will grieve the loss of opportunity, the loss of dreams I had for him to get better and finally be the father I wished he had been. .
Thank you ACOA...you helped plenty. I know he was sick but now i know how the story ended and the dreams did die of him one day sobering up. He will never be a sober dad. He just died. I am 36 and he was only 60. So sad of what alcoholism does to everyone involved. It really is a family disease. With time I hope to find myself and my inner peace...

Lulu
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Old 09-08-2011, 10:40 PM
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So sorry for all you have been through, it's hard to lose someone even if they have been bad to you, especially when you believe they were getting better.

Don't have any great word of wisdom for you, just please take care of yousrself and come back often.

B
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Old 09-09-2011, 04:46 AM
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Originally Posted by lulu1974 View Post
i know how the story ended and the dreams did die of him one day sobering up. He will never be a sober dad. He just died. I am 36 and he was only 60. So sad of what alcoholism does to everyone involved. It really is a family disease. With time I hope to find myself and my inner peace...
This is a hard one -- you can always imagine that your Dad would have gotten sober and healthy, and that there would have been this Norman Rockwell last chapter, which can't happen now that he's gone.

My Dad died a little less than a year ago -- he was 90 and never, to the end, acknowledged that he had any kind of issue with booze, even though, ironically enough, the events that led to his death may have been the result of alcohol withdrawal when he gave it up for a couple of weeks. My sister (contender for the title of World's Biggest Codependent) kept trying to get him to stop drinking again and again over the last several years, and then in his last few months, kept flying 3000 miles to visit and... it's hard to describe, but she kept trying to engineer this Norman Rockwell thing, hoping that miraculously, my Dad would have a moment of clarity and make some kind of sweeping statement to the effect of "I love you all, I'll stop drinking, and I'm sorry I was such a ******* all your lives."

There was no way that was happening, as I'm sure you can tell, and right up until my Dad was no longer able to talk, he never appeared to have an introspective moment or consider, even momentarily, the idea that he was not Entirely Perfect and, On the Whole, a Superior Form of Life™. It just was not in him to do that.

Do you go to Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA, or as it used to be called, ACOA)? I think it would be really helpful to join a group -- and, after you've been at it awhile, get a sponsor and go through the ACA Workbook. It's important to process this stuff -- and let go of the idea that there might have been some magic change in your departed parent; that's impossible now, but more to the point, was not something that was likely to happen in any case, as with my Dad.

Good luck!

T
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Old 09-09-2011, 09:34 PM
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My dad died a few years ago. He'd quit drinking long before when I was 16 but he was a cold person and never showed love right up to the end. The reaction I had when he died threw me for a loop. I hated him until I went through therapy and then accepted what was. I don't think I was grieving the man but I was grieving what I never had. I really thought I'd dealt with all of that but I guess that hurt is so deep that we can move on but it will always be there.

About your depression, I have bipolar disorder and my suicide attempts were never about wanting to kill myself but about getting rid of the pain. GP's are useless with this stuff and many people with BP are diagnosed with depression/anxiety until they see a psychiatrist, that took 20 years for me. I'm not saying you're bp but that if you've struggled with depression long before your dad died I would recommend getting an assessment by a psychiatrist. If you're suicidal go to the ER.
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Old 09-10-2011, 05:31 PM
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Unfortunately, when as children, living with a parent(s) who have an addiction problem we, as adults, never fully recover from this toxic childhood. Adult children of alcoholics/drug addicts suffer from depression, anxiety and a negative self image. In addition 50% of us marry alcoholics/drug addicts as we carry our childhood into adulthood.

I am the self proclaimed poster child for being raised in an abusive toxic home. It is my goal to die mentally and emotionally healthy, that goal is in the forefront of my mind.

Reading your post in F&F, I see that you are concerned about not finding Mr. Right, all I can say to that is....find yourself first, be at peace with yourself...until you do that...there will never be a Mr. Right, as, you must get yourself healthy first.

As you know, my Dad died last year, he was sober for 20 years, yet, he was a selfish, stingy, cold man. I could never get close to him, I mourn the loss, however, I really do believe that if I had died instead, it really wouldn't make a difference to him.

My mother, the super abusive drunk, she is going on 86 and it would be a relief to me if she died...I know that sounds bad, however, she is a boat anchor around my and my brothers neck, she never lets up. She stole my childhood, she made my adulthood a game of stratgey, of unrest and stress, now, in my retirement she has pulled out all the big guns. I will not allow her to steal my retirement from me, I have paid my dues, I have been a good daughter. My brother has also been a good son, but, he too, has had enough.

I am sorry about your turmoil, try and forgive your father and let him go. If you need to, write him a letter, say everything you want to say...and then...let go and continue to work on you.

This is your life, not a dress rehersal, consider each day to be a gift, and, remember you are special and deserve the very best that life has to offer!
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Old 09-16-2011, 09:51 PM
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This is very interesting. My Dad died at 87 after sobering up at 80. I forgave him very early on after a religious experience I had. But we were never close and he kept the family as divided as he could. But I didn't have any pains with his passing or since. It really was a relief, and remains so. I feel so free from worrying about what he would do next. He actually died from Alzheimer's as I shared in another post. His funeral was pretty big, in his home town and many relatives cried so hard. They never knew he was a physical abuser constant drunk, they just knew his happy party side so that was hard.

My Mom, the eternal enabler, lived to 97 and she was trip to handle. She never admitted to a thing and when cornered by me she would say she was in such poor health and couldn't remember, which was just a blatant lie. She was very healthy till the day she died.

I think forgiving them both really helped ease the guilt. It's never too late to really forgive them. Forgiving is really for you, not them. I don't know if you have or not. I think counseling would be a great help as well. You are not alone.
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Old 09-18-2011, 07:12 AM
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The problem with people dying is that there is no way to resolve complicate emotions with them anymore. Things you wish you could say have no place to be said.

Have you considered writing him a letter and putting it on his grave? It can be very cathartic.

That being said, my dad is still alive. He's in jail right now, and I'm not allowed contact with him because I'm a state witness, and if he doesn't get a really good plea deal, he may very well spend the rest of his life in prison, but he's still alive. In some ways, it's like he's dead. I still can't talk to him. I write to him nearly daily. I'm only allowed to send him postcards, and I believe it's an error on the jail's part that they let my mail through, so I can only talk about boring mundane things.

I'd put money on it that at some level, Kialua, you want the same thing I want: to speak to your dad and tell him how you feel and what you wished would have happened. And that possibility has been removed from you, just as it has from me (different reasons, same result).

Perhaps you could write him one short note each night and see if that helps. I know people who have done that, then printed all the letters out, ripped them up and tossed them into the sea to watch them float away. They've said it made them feel like they finally got closure. Maybe it would work for you.
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Old 09-18-2011, 09:52 AM
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Lulu, I am so sorry you are struggling. I can identify with the isolation as that is what I am doing a lot of lately.

I'm proud of you for taking the plunge on higher education and wish you nothing but the best in that endeavor! I am still entertaining thoughts of going for my bachelors too, but am not stable enough at this point.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 09-18-2011, 06:14 PM
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Oh, we did work it out, after his incarceration and I had already lived with many years of forgiving him. So it's fine with me, but still it was a relief. And a relief that now I don't even have to deal with my siblings denial anymore either. But the forgiveness is key. I'm sure it will all work out for you lulu
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