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Don't Care Anymore

Old 09-07-2011, 02:45 PM
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Don't Care Anymore

The majority of the time I feel like I just don't give a flying f*** about anything anymore. And I mean everything (Except sobriety). I'm just so sick of feeling depressed, sad, hopeless, crazy, mental, and it just makes me have this "I really don't give a sh**" attitude most of my days on this earth.

I am so sick of trying to find the right kind of life for myself. Nothing seems to work out anyways.

I'm sick of pleasing people and being nice to their face when I really don't want to b/c I honestly feel like the exact opposite. I feel like hell. I feel like ****. I feel like I'm just plain sick and tired of life.

Of my almost 30 years on this planet, I have already lost the lust for life. Hell, I actually lost the lust for life probably 10 years ago.

My career is nonexistent. I have no friends. I have no social life. I dislike most everybody I meet. I'm just in a really dark, dark place. It really, really sucks.

Just wanted to vent. My life is has no more meaning than a pebble of sand. Life is so long, lonely, and boring. I'm so discouraged with the way life has turned out. It sucks!!!
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Old 09-07-2011, 03:10 PM
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Hi Rift

I'm sorry you feel that way - I certainly identify with it tho from my past.

Do you have any support - any recovery group, a therapist, family - things like that?
You could even be clinically depressed - have you seen a Dr?

I recommend reaching out to someone - I found the times I was isolating were the very times I needed to reach out.

D
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Old 09-07-2011, 03:39 PM
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Hi Rift.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much right now.

I know how discouraging life can be at times. For me it seemed to get worse once I got sober. Although my life became more manageable that feeling inside of me that something was missing, what was the point of it all, etc... was still there and seemed to be more prominent. I guess once the alcohol fog was removed my other problems became easier to see. I finally sought help through a mental health provider. Life is too short to feel there is not point to it all, to have no "lust for life". Life should be savored and enjoyed. Unfortunately, depression and mental illness can cloud those things. I am definitely not qualified to diagnose whether or not you have a mental health illness such as depression but I would recommend you speak to a professional and find out. It can't hurt and you might find a solution to what is going on and be able to find life once again.

I wish you the best and do hope you talk with your doctor or a mental health provider and seek some help.
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Old 09-07-2011, 05:36 PM
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Hey, Rift. You just about posted my life.

Only thing I can suggest is get some help. That's what I'm doing again. Hopefully it works out better this time.
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Old 09-07-2011, 06:04 PM
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Sorry to read how down your feeling Rift. I hope things well improve for you soon.
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Old 09-07-2011, 06:37 PM
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Rift, I'm dealing with the same thing right now I think.

Im 10 months clean, have been going through the steps and i feel like im really getting further and further away from health. More and more depressed, I can't think straight. I sit with my sponsor and the only thing im thinking is "whats wrong with me" or about how bad my life sucks. It sounds like he understands what I am saying and going through, and even says he's been there, but I really doubt it.
Nothing people tell me sticks in my head, its like im not really there. I have no social life, in fact i have a social phobia which makes it hard to even goto meeting sometimes. Life is getting harder and harder to the point where i can't comprehend things i am reading or seeing on tv, and i can't talk to someone and relate what they are saying to me to make a statement back to them.. I cant have a conversation, im just not able to do it. It sucks, im 29 next month and i feel and see life all around and i dont feel like im a part of it. I get so confused with step work that it becomes meaningless. I sit down to do a nightly review and ill sit there for 30 min and come up with nothing.

Im so tired of going to meetings and faking like i feel good or i know whats going on, and how grateful i am.. Its killing me mentally. Guys at my homegroup are calling me and i can't even answer the phone because i can't think straight enough to talk to them. I don't know what to do, Im getting really scared. I tried to get a Psych appointment and it takes months.

your not the only one man.. I feel like i pray and pray, i meditate and read the big book everyday, and nothing is happening. Im still full of fear, not in control of my emotional nature, unhappy, useless, worthless, prey to misery and depression. My mind just wont stop trying to find a way out of this, from the minute i open my eyes in the morning to closing them at night. I wonder all the time if this is what people i hear at meetings went through, because it kind of sounds the same, but i really doubt this is just untreated alcoholism. anyone have advise?
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Old 09-07-2011, 06:40 PM
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I am sorry you are feeling so down Rift. For me, just getting out helps. The four walls can close in quickly on me if I let them. I know you mentioned having difficulty dealing w/people right now. What about volunteering at an animal shelter? We have the Guide Dogs training facility here and folks go and walk them, deal with the puppies, etc. Something along those lines really gives alot of people meaning because there are so many organizations that cannot function at all without volunteers, so it's not fluff...it's giving of yourself in a meaningful way that has a huge impact. That's just one idea but there are many organizations that need help and where you wouldn't have to deal too directly with people if you didn't want to. You have talents and gifts that others need whether you see them right now or not...

The good thing is you said your sobriety matters to you I hope you feel better soon.
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Old 09-07-2011, 06:49 PM
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Hydrosloth, I am not a doctor but I have personal experience with clinical depression. For me, in the beginning, it took more than just meetings and addiction recovery work. I needed a therapist, psychiatrist, and some meds to treat my depression. Even if it takes months to get the appointment you mentioned, you might consider making the appointment anyway and waiting out the months until you can get in. That time is going to go by either way right?
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:41 PM
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Thanks everybody. I don't know how to describe my life sitution other than being really negative...because that is exactly what my life is and has been for quite some time. I know that I am depressed and pretty much just not participating in life.

It seems like I just can't play the game. The "game" of life. I see so many of my peers doing great things and/or progressing their lives like establishing life-long friends, dating, possibly being married, having success in their jobs/careers. With me being so unsuccessful in these areas of life, I guess I just don't want to be around others. Almost as if I'm ashamed/embarrassed of my life and what my future looks like....bleak! It's a horrible cycle of emotions and temptation (to drink) from all these feelings and remorse.

Anyways, enough of the feeling sorry for myself stuff. I guess maybe it was just a bad day for me.
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Old 09-08-2011, 12:35 AM
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Hi Rift, you haven't said if you see a psychiatrist or not but it sounds like depression alright. Maybe a change in medication or beginning a medication would help bring you out of the dark place. I sure can relate to what you said because I've been in that painful dark place too many times. Medication has helped me.

Hydrosloth, Welcome to the group. You describe the way I felt before I went for help at a county mental health clinic. I was 7 yrs sober and I was tired of dealing with depressions that seemed to come out of nowhere. Have you been seeing a mental health professional? I hope you feel better soon.
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Old 09-08-2011, 07:33 AM
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When I got sober I entered a state of hell I didn't know existed. I cried every day for three months, detoxing I suppose (wish I'd gone to a rehab). But then life got better.
Anytime I get to that place now, I go to a meeting and talk to a newcomer, which really helps.
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Old 09-08-2011, 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Rift View Post
The majority of the time I feel like I just don't give a flying f*** about anything anymore. And I mean everything (Except sobriety). I'm just so sick of feeling depressed, sad, hopeless, crazy, mental, and it just makes me have this "I really don't give a sh**" attitude most of my days on this earth.

I am so sick of trying to find the right kind of life for myself. Nothing seems to work out anyways.

I'm sick of pleasing people and being nice to their face when I really don't want to b/c I honestly feel like the exact opposite. I feel like hell. I feel like ****. I feel like I'm just plain sick and tired of life.

Of my almost 30 years on this planet, I have already lost the lust for life. Hell, I actually lost the lust for life probably 10 years ago.

My career is nonexistent. I have no friends. I have no social life. I dislike most everybody I meet. I'm just in a really dark, dark place. It really, really sucks.

Just wanted to vent. My life is has no more meaning than a pebble of sand. Life is so long, lonely, and boring. I'm so discouraged with the way life has turned out. It sucks!!!
We have the same situation. I'm also a solo-flight person. I'm all alone always.. But when I met someone I love. My life becomes meaningful and exciting.. I hope you did the same thing like mine. Don't be sad and don't be afraid of life.
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Old 09-11-2011, 03:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Rift View Post
I'm so discouraged with the way life has turned out. It sucks!!!
Jesus... I find myself laughing right now because everything you said in your post is EXACTLY how I've felt (if not just today, then for the past whatever number of days).

I wish I had some advice for ya. I could do the litany song-and-dance about finding groups or clubs, going out for a run or drive, fixing yourself some nice dinner, blah, blah, blah... But in the end, you know it won't do much for that emptiness you / we feel.

I do know this: this impulse of dread doesn't last forever. Sometimes it might only last a few minutes, other times, a week or more. But it will end, whether by the grace of some higher power's blessing or else by sheer will or time.

But yes, it sucks; I know... Just hang in there.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:32 AM
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I guess it just shows that even if we have a good sobriety, mental illness can take us down, in my case because I had been mis-medicated for a long time. But I'm here to tell the tale!!
Oh yeaaaa....... While I've been on anti-depressants most of my life, in my 15th year of sobriety I sank into depression so bad I literally couldn't get out of bed. For a while it's just today I don't kill myself." Then it got worse and I couldn't have even managed to kill myself. But my doctor found the right med combination and the worst lifted after a few months.
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Old 09-12-2011, 09:11 PM
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I can relate to disliking everyone i meet. I think i feel like they're gonna screw me sooner or later. Most of my neighbors never understand me , and i 've lived in quite a few places. It's almost a relief when they don't like me, then i can be free.
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