tooshytoscream

A couple of you on here may remember me, my fiance and I have a history of heroin abuse. Well, we've been clean for like 3 months but a couple of nights ago we had a huge fight. We were both extremely emotional and honestly did not know how to work things out at the time. What happened was just...awful. Not easily fixable at all. He told me he really wanted to go get H and I agreed. We'd been through a lot that evening and decided that it'd calm us down and allow us to fix the situation. And, well, it worked. We fixed our relationship. However, now that we ran out, he wants more...just because. I told him I wasn't going with him to get it, so he went by himself. I didn't want him to go. After we fixed our relationship, I wanted nothing to do with the stuff anymore. But now I know that when he brings it home, I'll end up doing it again as well. I can't say no when it's right in front of my face. How do I make sure this time is the last time?

suki44883

Don't be home when he gets back. There is no guarantee this will be the last time and continuing to use will just put you back in the same hell you were in three months ago. It's up to you to stop that roller coaster.

Freedom1990

Recovery is difficult, if not impossible, when you have a partner still active in addictions.

I don't know what it will take for you to realize how precious your recovery is, and no one is worth using over.

I threw 4 years clean/sober out the window over my ABF at the time, and it was not worth it.

Never again will I give up my hard-earned recovery.

Sending you hugs of support!

tooshytoscream

Thanks guys.

I appreciate the support and after this little mishap, we will continue with our recovery. We don't have the money to keep spending on that crap over and over again, and I refuse to waste any more of our money on it.

Sugah

Replace heroin with coke & crack, and you told my story. Or part of it, anyway. We'd resolve to quit--too expensive, takes time away from other things we should be doing, etc.--and a little while later, we'd argue, and we'd call a truce over another eight ball, and another, and another. Thing was, we weren't "fixing" anything between us. At some point, no matter what else we had between us, I realized the drugs were at the center. Take away the drugs, and sooner or later, we'd fall apart. It was our pattern for years.

Finally, I knew my life depended on getting clean. He didn't feel that way. After seven years of this roller coaster, I left -- and I've been clean since. At first, I thought I'd die without him, but I didn't, and I wouldn't change a thing.

I pray things work out for you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

FT

Little mishap? You've got to be joking, right?

Tooshy, I tried to reach out to you a few months ago. I'm not sure what else I can say that I didn't say to you then. Maybe read some of those posts. Or not. I don't seem to have made any difference.

FT

djensen

I dont think that is a "little mishap" but I have done the same thing, only with alcohol and my wife. We would fight, then just get a bottle and a 12 pack and talk it out, its not a good pattern. So my wife and I quit doing that and I started abusing Norco's, oh joy, now I am getting off those little devils.
Stay strong, think about yourself and your recovery. If he is not ready, then you need to make a choice.

tooshytoscream

You guys act like you've never relapsed before. Obviously I feel bad about the situation, so why say stuff to make me feel like I'm a hopeless case, FT? And why are people mad that I said we used it to fix our relationship? Unfortunately, yes, it did fix the relationship. It calmed me down. It calmed him down. My brain thinks more rationally on that stuff than it does sober, that's just how it is. You can't deny that it helps things short term. Long term, it's totally evil and bites you in the behind, but short term it does help. I went to class high the next day and was able to function well and be social my first day of class when we had to work in groups. My social anxiety would otherwise never allow me to do that and I probably would have given up right away and withdrawn from that class. So I'm sorry if this gets people pissed but yes, being on heroin did help some things. Do I think its a good thing in general and it should have happened? No. But it happened. My withdrawal sickness got worse, so I got what I deserved, but I got over it, and moved on.

Some of you guys on this forum judge way too harshly and instead of helping, it actually does the opposite. Although these weren't anyone's exact words, the message I got from some of you was "you f-ed up", "you're stupid", "you're hopeless" instead of, "you can get past it and keep staying clean". I feel like I'm being totally misinterpreted. You guys seem to think that I think heroin is a great thing and that's not what I've been saying at all. I think its time for me to stop posting here because, just like everywhere else, I feel unwelcome here, which btw is one of the reasons I am an addict in the first place.

BeenDown2Times

tooshy, of course we welcome you back and are glad you're here. And I for one have relapsed a few times since first coming here.

I think if anything we want to see you get better. There was a lot of pain in your posts when you first started posting here and we don't want to see you go back to that place.

Nightsd

If your relationship is so messed up that both of you need to be nodding off to fix your relationship, then the relationship seems to me to be flawed to the core.

You both used the fight as an excuse to get high.

If you want to quit using then either he has to want it too, or you should probably break up. After all, the relationship was built on drug use anyways, was it not?

FT

Hi Tooshy,

One of the things my parents used to say to me when I did something wrong was they weren't mad at me, they were "disappointed" in me. It's insulting, so I won't say that to you. Frustrated is probably a better description.

After I posted last, I regretted what I said but it was too late to take it down. It had exactly the result I was afraid of after the fact. I apologize for making you feel that way. I don't think you are a hopeless case. Your being here at all tells me you aren't that.

I worry because you continue to view heroin as a "tool" to use, as though it has true "benefits". It may seem that way at the time you do it, or else you wouldn't be doing it. But every time you use, it sucks a little more of the resilience out of you, breaks you down just a little more, weakens your body and your mind just a little more each time, and every time after that the downslide becomes that much easier.

I worry that one of these times you won't be able to get back up.

That's it.

I want to reach through the ether and grab you by the shoulders and shake you REAL HARD, and then give you a big hug. I think you see that, but I also see you kicking dust in my face because I'm telling you things you don't want to hear.

I realize you love your fiance, but like I said before, at some point somebody in that relationship has to become the adult and start making decisions that make your future stronger and more secure, not continue breaking it down by using to "fix" problems. I don't believe that you don't know deep down inside yourself that heroin is not helping anything but only sucking the life out of you.

I do care. So, don't stay away because of something I said. I never mean to hurt your feelings. I only want to help you.

FT

Nightsd

Also tooshy,

There is absolutely nothing that heroin does to you that you cannot do for yourself. With counseling and treatment you can be rid of your social anxiety. You don't need heroin to calm down. Who the hell uses heroin to "fix a relationship"?! Do you realize how stupid that is?

Drug addiction is insanity. Do you realize how insane it is to think heroin helped your relationship? It didn't. If your relationship honestly needed heroin to be fixed, then your relationship is completely beyond any repair. You're both junkies and you both wanted to get high. Of course you both felt better after getting high. Can you honestly ever imagine Dr. Phil saying "oh yes, I think your marriage will be fine as long as you both shoot up tonight". Come on. You cannot of honestly believe this delusional "heroin saved our relationship!" BS.

Another mistake is that you think there's a difference between long term and short term use. For you and I, as addicts, short term use almost ALWAYS leads to long term use. Were addicts, by definition we cannot control our use.

I hope I don't sound patronizing at all. I'm not judging you or calling you stupid. I'm an addict too. My addiction has convinced me to shoot up instead of filling a prescription for vicodin, as I thought heroin was much healthier than all the Tylenol in vicodin. I honestly believed I was doing my body a favor by shooting up.

Dee74

It may not be what you want to hear but there's a lot of great advice here tooshy.
You can get past it and keep staying clean - but not when you're using smack to fix things....

D

djensen

Bump