mjae

well, wow, i am really so happy to have found this site. i've been in the recovery "business" FOR about 25 years now. i don't even have a day yet. i'm so confused and have a variety of disorders in addition. i just can't seem to shake this. i have two beautiful children and school starts soon and because of this disease we are living with my parents. have been now for about 2 years. 2 boys, 16 and 9. i am without a car, i have stopped taking the meds i need and have a real problem. i need help and "forget" THAT there are meetings for me to attend. i have rejected god and would really like for him to be there for me again. i hate myself. and now that i say all this i know what responses i will get. maybe i'll get none? maybe i'll get "why are you here if you aren't willing to do what we tell you?" maybe i'll get "yeah, you should get that gun and stick it in your mouth and pull the trigger" i have thought of that but for some reason i think of my nine year old and how much he depends on me and i just donm't do it. i just want peace of mind right now. i think i crave that more than anhythning. please god, have mercy on my soul and deliver me from evil. please give me the strength to go on another day. please help me lord. i need you right now.
monica

Dee74

Hi Monica

This site changed my life - the support I found here helped me find what I needed to turn my life around.

I know you'll find a lot of support help and encouragement here too.
You're not alone

D

wellwisher

Hi Mjae and welcome to SR

I'm glad you found this site. I can't say enough positive things about it.

I think you will be pleasantly surprised by the members here and the vast amount of experience others have had in making it past the struggle.

It's possible for you too... I am confident in that.

See you on the boards!

FT

mjae,

To get some help and suggestions, it would help if we knew what drugs you have been taking, what you have tried that hasn't worked for you, what you hope to happen in the future, etc.

Welcome, and I hope we can help you.

FT

CarolD

Welcome....

SR is a full of members willing to support you as you begin to move forward...

mjae

well, first i want to start by thanking everyone for their feedback and responses. it really means a lot to me. i realized today, my bday, that i have not that many friends because i only got about 20 acknowledgements and i have 127 "friends". i felt like the biggest loser...
anyway my drug of choice has been cocaine. i administer it IV and when i start i cant' seem to stop or feel as if my life is complete. so it has "workd" for me. my last session with that substance was about 8 months ago. only because where i am i really don't have the transportation, or connections to really further my existence with it. i have done heroine and was addicted to it for about 4 to 6 months on a couple of occasions.

i did the hospital clinic thing to get me off that to just put me on methadone which i found was exponentially more horrible. i drink on occasion, but i don't think enough to call me an alcoholic or i don't have the same side effects of drinking as i do other substalnces. i usually stop after about one drink because i lack an enzyme in my liver that breaks down alcohol, so techinically i shouldn't drink at all cuz i'm literally allergic to it. but i love the taste of gin in a bloody mary or tequilla in a bloody maria which are my two favs. any feedback on that is welcome.

i like attending meeting but find it hard to justify between having children and going. i know the argument all too welll, but my reason tends to dictate the "logical" more safe option which is stay at home. also i have no transportaion and i feel bad asking people to go out of their way to get me to take me to one. maybe if i offered gas money that wouold help. any feedback on that as well is welcome.

also the drugs i get prescribed to me range from amphetamines to benzos. i have extreme adhd and anxiety attacks. i also suffer from insomnia and it had gotten worse. i'm also bipolar. i will continue on another time. i am actually getting tired. i hope i can sleep. be well everyone and thank you for all your kindnessess!

Impurrfect

(((MJae))) - welcome to SR, and happy birthday!

I abused alcohol, then opiates, then crack, which brought me to my bottom. I, too, felt like a loser. Reading and posting here has helped me, tremendously, on all accounts. I'll be 50 next week, am living at home because of the financial destruction I brought on myself, but am back in school and have 4-1/2 years clean.

It's taken a while for me to stop focusing on how I messed up, and look at each day as a gift, but it does happen, and knowing we're not alone helps, too.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

larrylive

Welcome,

All I can offer is hope, because I have been there and now I ain't.
That whole God thing is a tricky, slippery slope that can be very confusing. And as with alot of things about addiction passing the blame is common and God seems to be an easy target. But i don't recall ever being promised an easy life. Some work must be done.

This may sound silly, but please trust me I have lived it. Try just talking to God/higher power, without expectations. Kinda like posting here, nothing we can really do for you, can't pay your rent, feed your kids or mow your lawn. Their are some things you have to do for yourself. But I believe if you start that conversation and keep at it, everyday with sincerity, you will start to realize what needs to be done and which direction it will take you.
I am glad to hear you still have your kids in your life, I am not so lucky, at least not with the oldest. But there is much work to do and a few years left to do it.

Larry

djensen

Mjae, you have made the right choice on this forum, this place has helped me immensly and the people on here are NOT judgmental at all, which is a nice change from most forums. We dont care if your using or clean, we are just here to listen and give some good old honest advice.

Glad you made it here, keep on posting and I hope you got some sleep last night!!!