Cure for life...
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 186
Cure for life...
Alcohol that is, it is my cure for life and has been ever since I first tasted it. I can't live with it and I can't live without it. So good, so bad.
It makes me feel at home and at ease wherever I am, however bad or dangerous the situation might be, It comforts me, makes me feel free when I feel trapped in my own skin, makes life seem more bearable, easier to flow with... Until it doesn't.
Because there is always the day after, and the older I have gotten, the worse those days have become. They used to be just bad hangovers, then they turned into bad withdrawals, and now... well there really is no getting through the days after except to keep drinking, because that is how low alcohol makes me feel.
Alcohol was my cure for myself basicly. I always hated being me and being in my own skin, and alcohol took all that discomfort away. It aloud me to be free and at ease and enjoy life. That was in the beginning of course. I have a really bad form of social anxiety and that is why I started drinking so heavy right away. I didn't start with drinking socially at parties with friends, like most people. I started with drinking hard liquor or wine in the morning very early on, just to get me through the day, ease my anxiety. I was young at the time I started and didn't realize all the consequenses it would have, or didn't care for that matter...
Now the downsides have gotten so bad that if I keep drinking I will probably be very dead or very sick or very much a trainwreck within a few years from now.
The problem is that I just don't know how to function without alcohol. It was like my perfect fuel, and now I just don't know how to deal with life without it at all. I feel like very important part of me have gone away. Alcohol was after all always there to save the day when things got rough.
I'm sorry to say it, sorry to once again be such a negative person, but my issues are still very much here. The discomfort of being in my own skin, my social anxiety, the feeling of being trapped and wanting some kind of release. I really understand people who cut themselves, that is pretty much the feeling I have often; that I just want to harm myself in some way to get that release. I know it's not a very constructive thing to do though...
Just needed to vent some.
It makes me feel at home and at ease wherever I am, however bad or dangerous the situation might be, It comforts me, makes me feel free when I feel trapped in my own skin, makes life seem more bearable, easier to flow with... Until it doesn't.
Because there is always the day after, and the older I have gotten, the worse those days have become. They used to be just bad hangovers, then they turned into bad withdrawals, and now... well there really is no getting through the days after except to keep drinking, because that is how low alcohol makes me feel.
Alcohol was my cure for myself basicly. I always hated being me and being in my own skin, and alcohol took all that discomfort away. It aloud me to be free and at ease and enjoy life. That was in the beginning of course. I have a really bad form of social anxiety and that is why I started drinking so heavy right away. I didn't start with drinking socially at parties with friends, like most people. I started with drinking hard liquor or wine in the morning very early on, just to get me through the day, ease my anxiety. I was young at the time I started and didn't realize all the consequenses it would have, or didn't care for that matter...
Now the downsides have gotten so bad that if I keep drinking I will probably be very dead or very sick or very much a trainwreck within a few years from now.
The problem is that I just don't know how to function without alcohol. It was like my perfect fuel, and now I just don't know how to deal with life without it at all. I feel like very important part of me have gone away. Alcohol was after all always there to save the day when things got rough.
I'm sorry to say it, sorry to once again be such a negative person, but my issues are still very much here. The discomfort of being in my own skin, my social anxiety, the feeling of being trapped and wanting some kind of release. I really understand people who cut themselves, that is pretty much the feeling I have often; that I just want to harm myself in some way to get that release. I know it's not a very constructive thing to do though...
Just needed to vent some.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I never thought it was possible to stop drinking, never even tried even though I lost work because of my drinking. I was a daily drinker who went into blackouts regularly. Knew I was killing myself but didn't care. This is what happened: in a blackout I took a large quantity of Valium (to this day I have no idea why). Woke up in the emergency room strapped to a gurney. They had pumped my stomach and kept me for three days.
I was terrified of drinking now that I saw what happens to me in a blackout. I called AA and went to my first meeting. I didn't want to but was too terrified of dying to stop. In AA people gathered around me to help in anyway possible. I was taught how not to drink.
I just don't drink today. That's basically it. I was taught how to deal with depression, anxiety and fear, how to get myself back on track professionally and repair relationships. I learned that fear is simply projecting, none of us knows what will happen or what we'll do in many situations. Oct 12 will be my 20th anniversary of just not drinking today.
Personally I couldn't have gotten sober on my own (my best thinking got me into the rooms of AA, lol) so I needed a 12 Step program. I'm an agnostic and learned how to do the steps without God. For me, God = Group of Drunks and that's worked fine all these years.
Like many recovering alcoholics I also suffer from depression and have been treated by a wonderful psychiatrist.
Please feel free to email me if I can be of help. God Bless
I was terrified of drinking now that I saw what happens to me in a blackout. I called AA and went to my first meeting. I didn't want to but was too terrified of dying to stop. In AA people gathered around me to help in anyway possible. I was taught how not to drink.
I just don't drink today. That's basically it. I was taught how to deal with depression, anxiety and fear, how to get myself back on track professionally and repair relationships. I learned that fear is simply projecting, none of us knows what will happen or what we'll do in many situations. Oct 12 will be my 20th anniversary of just not drinking today.
Personally I couldn't have gotten sober on my own (my best thinking got me into the rooms of AA, lol) so I needed a 12 Step program. I'm an agnostic and learned how to do the steps without God. For me, God = Group of Drunks and that's worked fine all these years.
Like many recovering alcoholics I also suffer from depression and have been treated by a wonderful psychiatrist.
Please feel free to email me if I can be of help. God Bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Between AA and a good therapist and psychiatrist, I have learned how to be sober and comfortable in my own skin.
I too suffered horrible social anxiety, and although it's not completely gone these days, it's very manageable.
Please consider getting professional help, and give AA a try. I feel for you because I was you!
Sending you hugs of support!
I too suffered horrible social anxiety, and although it's not completely gone these days, it's very manageable.
Please consider getting professional help, and give AA a try. I feel for you because I was you!
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 155
(((( sable1 ))))
I can relate to what you say. Alcohol was my way of dealing with everything, it gave me courage to be around people and gave me a release from how I felt about myself. It gave me a way to blame others for my problems too. Then after many years it began to stop working and I became a recluse except for when I Had to go make some money to live. Then it really stopped working and oblivion couldn't be reached no matter how much I drank my thoughts were still there. That's when I knew I had to sober up. Wishing that last drink before I passed out would put me to sleep forever only to come to a couple of hours later Needing another drink.
I found a way out of that hell with AA and the people in those rooms who had gone through many of the same things I had. My social anxiety was pretty bad too. I'd sit in a meeting wanting to share but I was too afraid to raise my hand and then I'd feel bad after the meeting that I didn't have the courage to share. There were people there who seemed to sense what I was going through and encouraged me to open up a bit. A few years later i was asked to speak at meetings.
One of the places I first spoke at was Atascadero State Hospital in CA. It's basically a prison for the criminally insane, people there are ordered by the courts to stay there. After the meeting a guy came up to me smiling saying I told his story. One of the staff was standing there and confirmed my story did sound like the inmate who approached me. That made me feel good that someone could relate to me. Then when I was walking out to my car I realized that that was a prison facility and I was free to leave. I had never committed a felony except for getting away with driving while drunk....that was and still is a "yet."
You can get out of the jail alcohol has put you in. If a drunk like me can get sober, anyone can. After I got sober I realized how I drank over my fears, a hundred forms of them. When I saw the title of this thread I thought, yeah, it's a cure for life...it'll end it eventually. It's good that you vented here. I need that kind of release too. I can sure relate to what you've said...I just want you to know there is help available and people here who understand.
I can relate to what you say. Alcohol was my way of dealing with everything, it gave me courage to be around people and gave me a release from how I felt about myself. It gave me a way to blame others for my problems too. Then after many years it began to stop working and I became a recluse except for when I Had to go make some money to live. Then it really stopped working and oblivion couldn't be reached no matter how much I drank my thoughts were still there. That's when I knew I had to sober up. Wishing that last drink before I passed out would put me to sleep forever only to come to a couple of hours later Needing another drink.
I found a way out of that hell with AA and the people in those rooms who had gone through many of the same things I had. My social anxiety was pretty bad too. I'd sit in a meeting wanting to share but I was too afraid to raise my hand and then I'd feel bad after the meeting that I didn't have the courage to share. There were people there who seemed to sense what I was going through and encouraged me to open up a bit. A few years later i was asked to speak at meetings.
One of the places I first spoke at was Atascadero State Hospital in CA. It's basically a prison for the criminally insane, people there are ordered by the courts to stay there. After the meeting a guy came up to me smiling saying I told his story. One of the staff was standing there and confirmed my story did sound like the inmate who approached me. That made me feel good that someone could relate to me. Then when I was walking out to my car I realized that that was a prison facility and I was free to leave. I had never committed a felony except for getting away with driving while drunk....that was and still is a "yet."
You can get out of the jail alcohol has put you in. If a drunk like me can get sober, anyone can. After I got sober I realized how I drank over my fears, a hundred forms of them. When I saw the title of this thread I thought, yeah, it's a cure for life...it'll end it eventually. It's good that you vented here. I need that kind of release too. I can sure relate to what you've said...I just want you to know there is help available and people here who understand.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 186
NYCDoglvr; thank you and congratulations on your sober time. I agree that ever day will be the same for as long as I drink. That is one of the things I hope to get past. I want to grow and develope as a person and I know I never will if I keep drinking.
JimE; I'm glad you can relate, well not glad that you are suffering social anxiety, but it's good to know that my issues are not unique. Somehow I've always thought of myself as unique and not in the good way, more in the being doomed and unworthy way.
It's nice to hear you have gotten rid of enough of that social anxiety to speak about your problems.
I actually don't drink anymore and I plan on staying stopped. I know now that alcohol will lead me nowhere but further down. It's hard to let go of it though. Bad as it may sound, it has been probably the most significant relationship of my life. If someone told me today that the world would end in a few months my reply would probably be; "Great, now I can let go and just drink all I want to until then".
But I'm sober now and plan to stay that way.
Thanks for the replies.
JimE; I'm glad you can relate, well not glad that you are suffering social anxiety, but it's good to know that my issues are not unique. Somehow I've always thought of myself as unique and not in the good way, more in the being doomed and unworthy way.
It's nice to hear you have gotten rid of enough of that social anxiety to speak about your problems.
I actually don't drink anymore and I plan on staying stopped. I know now that alcohol will lead me nowhere but further down. It's hard to let go of it though. Bad as it may sound, it has been probably the most significant relationship of my life. If someone told me today that the world would end in a few months my reply would probably be; "Great, now I can let go and just drink all I want to until then".
But I'm sober now and plan to stay that way.
Thanks for the replies.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
Originally Posted by sable1
I actually don't drink anymore and I plan on staying stopped. I know now that alcohol will lead me nowhere but further down.
Good going!I'm always amazed that I let alcohol take over my life for so many years. Now I just pleased that I could 'just let go' of drink. I'm free to live a life without the ball and chain of alcohol.
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