Telling the truth about molestation to save others - feeling guilty.
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Telling the truth about molestation to save others - feeling guilty.
I'm struggling today with something.
I was sexually abused by my brother and father when I was growing up. I was made by my family to feel it was my fault and that I should feel ashamed.
After years of therapy, I finally accepted that I was not responsible for the abuse.
I made a decision recently to tell my niece about the abuse. Not the goriest details, but she wondered why I was not close to the family, etc. I was also worried about her well-being as she has recently been back in contact with her father, visiting him, etc. I worried that she might be subject to sexual abuse from him.
She's 21 and graduating from college this semester. She has a live-in boyfriend and a job and seems very mature to me.
I felt she was old enough to know the truth, so that she can be protected from any abuse and so that she will know not to leave any children she might have soon, in the care of the abusers, without supervision.
It was really very hard and scary for me to tell the secret. But I decided to do it to not protect the abuser (not to be codependent any more) and to protect my niece.
The family (including my niece) is furious with me. Says I need therapy because it's sick to still be thinking about the abuse or talking about it. Niece claims she is still a child and should be protected from the knowledge that bad things can happen in the world. She also said that 80% of her friends have been molested and it's no big deal so just get over it already.
Basically I am being hugely shamed for telling the truth. I have blocked e-mails now as I feel they were abusive e-mails and I had a right to protect myself from further attempts at shaming.
My basic urge is just to walk away entirely. I'm getting no benefit from these relationships and only getting bad things instead.
I'm thinking I should act on that urge. Not in an angry way, not with an emotional e-mail, etc. Just walking away after having blocked e-mails.
Thanks for letting me vent about this and organize my thoughts on this site. Perhaps some of you have also been shamed for telling the truth about an alcoholic or addict or abuser. Perhaps it's a common thing for codependents to rush in and attack someone who tells the truth about a situation.
I'm amazed by how scared I feel and shaky, just because I told the truth. On some level it still feels incredibly frightening to me, to tell the truth.
I was sexually abused by my brother and father when I was growing up. I was made by my family to feel it was my fault and that I should feel ashamed.
After years of therapy, I finally accepted that I was not responsible for the abuse.
I made a decision recently to tell my niece about the abuse. Not the goriest details, but she wondered why I was not close to the family, etc. I was also worried about her well-being as she has recently been back in contact with her father, visiting him, etc. I worried that she might be subject to sexual abuse from him.
She's 21 and graduating from college this semester. She has a live-in boyfriend and a job and seems very mature to me.
I felt she was old enough to know the truth, so that she can be protected from any abuse and so that she will know not to leave any children she might have soon, in the care of the abusers, without supervision.
It was really very hard and scary for me to tell the secret. But I decided to do it to not protect the abuser (not to be codependent any more) and to protect my niece.
The family (including my niece) is furious with me. Says I need therapy because it's sick to still be thinking about the abuse or talking about it. Niece claims she is still a child and should be protected from the knowledge that bad things can happen in the world. She also said that 80% of her friends have been molested and it's no big deal so just get over it already.
Basically I am being hugely shamed for telling the truth. I have blocked e-mails now as I feel they were abusive e-mails and I had a right to protect myself from further attempts at shaming.
My basic urge is just to walk away entirely. I'm getting no benefit from these relationships and only getting bad things instead.
I'm thinking I should act on that urge. Not in an angry way, not with an emotional e-mail, etc. Just walking away after having blocked e-mails.
Thanks for letting me vent about this and organize my thoughts on this site. Perhaps some of you have also been shamed for telling the truth about an alcoholic or addict or abuser. Perhaps it's a common thing for codependents to rush in and attack someone who tells the truth about a situation.
I'm amazed by how scared I feel and shaky, just because I told the truth. On some level it still feels incredibly frightening to me, to tell the truth.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Thank you so much! Oh I am so grateful for your reply. I was starting to doubt myself and I was trying not to feel ashamed but boy they were really trying to make me feel ashamed of myself.
It helps more than I can even say, to hear that what feels like abuse to me, actually is abuse.
Of course in e-mails they preface it with "I don't mean this in a bad way." But it's still an insult and abuse, even if the person giving it is trying to deny that it is.
I'm glad I blocked the e-mails. I don't deserve to be abused for trying to do the right thing.
It helps more than I can even say, to hear that what feels like abuse to me, actually is abuse.
Of course in e-mails they preface it with "I don't mean this in a bad way." But it's still an insult and abuse, even if the person giving it is trying to deny that it is.
I'm glad I blocked the e-mails. I don't deserve to be abused for trying to do the right thing.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
[QUOTE=ACOAHappyNow;3085357]I'm struggling today with something.
Hi Happynow,
I think you did a great thing! You did your duty toward your niece, her future children, and anyone else in harms way if not forewarned.
You were absolutely honest, and acknowledged the abuse to family. What they do with this information now is all on them. I feel that it will be helpful to them in the future, as surely they won't just forget it. It will stay there, like a flag, and may help some one very innocent sometime.
I am sorry for what happened to you. it sounds like you are working through the pain that it must have brought to your life. I hate that these things happen to so many. bless you, for your courage.
let it go now, if you can, and live your best life!
hugs,
chicory
My basic urge is just to walk away entirely. I'm getting no benefit from these relationships and only getting bad things instead.
I think you did a great thing! You did your duty toward your niece, her future children, and anyone else in harms way if not forewarned.
You were absolutely honest, and acknowledged the abuse to family. What they do with this information now is all on them. I feel that it will be helpful to them in the future, as surely they won't just forget it. It will stay there, like a flag, and may help some one very innocent sometime.
I am sorry for what happened to you. it sounds like you are working through the pain that it must have brought to your life. I hate that these things happen to so many. bless you, for your courage.
let it go now, if you can, and live your best life!
hugs,
chicory
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Thank you so much! I am doing my best to live a happy life now, a sane life. I was just a bit shocked by the vehemence of the family's condemnation of me for telling the truth and the attempts one after another to shame me and scold me. I was shocked that my niece would write me a letter trying to shame me, too.
I guess when someone says something a person doesn't want to hear, they attack the messenger.
Well, too bad. I've given her a lot of gifts and money and been really supportive of her. If she wants to treat me like this, it's her loss.
To be honest, she was pretty self-centered/abusive before this too. I wrote it off as her being young. I'm thinking more and more I don't owe her anything - I don't owe her presents while she heaps abuse on me.
I guess when someone says something a person doesn't want to hear, they attack the messenger.
Well, too bad. I've given her a lot of gifts and money and been really supportive of her. If she wants to treat me like this, it's her loss.
To be honest, she was pretty self-centered/abusive before this too. I wrote it off as her being young. I'm thinking more and more I don't owe her anything - I don't owe her presents while she heaps abuse on me.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Great, she was able to reach me via facebook and posted I was being petty for blocking her emails. I replied (she will see it when she signs in) that I need a mental health break and to please leave me alone. We will see what happens next.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I think that you were very brave to share the truth. As for your niece, she is playing the little girl card, because it suits her. She is an adult in age, however, her emotional IQ is that of a child.
I am sorry, however, you are 100% correct, time for you to move on, it is her loss.
I am sorry, however, you are 100% correct, time for you to move on, it is her loss.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
ACOA,
Thank you for doing the right thing, people don't want to hear about molesters, especially when they are family or friends.
When I first told my parents I had been molested (by a stranger at age 7) they just looked at me, I did not even bother to tell them that my cousin (who was four years older than me) had molested me also.
I finally told my dad about my cousin this year (42 years after it happened) because he has continued to push me to have a relationship with my cousin for the sake of the family. Even now he questions why I did'nt handle it better. I told him I was 7 what the hell did you want from me.
I can tell you I was really afraid of how he would respond given the first time I opened up to them, I was shaking and sweating but I finally got it out, it was like popping a boil.
Do what is best for you and ignore anyone who is hostile or dismissive of you.
You have to be your own advocate, you have to take care of your own mental and physical health.
Remember you are never alone here, the people who come here have been damaged by the people they love the most, many have had to walk away just to survive,
Best of luck to you.
Bill
Thank you for doing the right thing, people don't want to hear about molesters, especially when they are family or friends.
When I first told my parents I had been molested (by a stranger at age 7) they just looked at me, I did not even bother to tell them that my cousin (who was four years older than me) had molested me also.
I finally told my dad about my cousin this year (42 years after it happened) because he has continued to push me to have a relationship with my cousin for the sake of the family. Even now he questions why I did'nt handle it better. I told him I was 7 what the hell did you want from me.
I can tell you I was really afraid of how he would respond given the first time I opened up to them, I was shaking and sweating but I finally got it out, it was like popping a boil.
Do what is best for you and ignore anyone who is hostile or dismissive of you.
You have to be your own advocate, you have to take care of your own mental and physical health.
Remember you are never alone here, the people who come here have been damaged by the people they love the most, many have had to walk away just to survive,
Best of luck to you.
Bill
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Posts: 318
Thank you both so much for your posts! They really help me so much!
Bill, I'm so sorry for what you went through. The betrayal must have hurt even worse than the molestation. I know that is something that hurts your whole life long too.
I can't say I blame my niece for lashing out at me. It was upsetting news, and that's what you do, you shoot the messenger. I'm feeling calmer and less angry now and I can only hope that she will understand some day why I told her and will understand I didn't do it to hurt her.
I will have to keep coming back and rereading all your replies because even though I know it's not rational, I still feel really afraid and shaky, like I'm a four year old who is going to get into big trouble for telling. I know how ridiculous that sounds.
Bill, I'm so sorry for what you went through. The betrayal must have hurt even worse than the molestation. I know that is something that hurts your whole life long too.
I can't say I blame my niece for lashing out at me. It was upsetting news, and that's what you do, you shoot the messenger. I'm feeling calmer and less angry now and I can only hope that she will understand some day why I told her and will understand I didn't do it to hurt her.
I will have to keep coming back and rereading all your replies because even though I know it's not rational, I still feel really afraid and shaky, like I'm a four year old who is going to get into big trouble for telling. I know how ridiculous that sounds.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I don't care how much therapy you have or what anyone else says, in the back of your mind you always blame yourself what happened and you play "what if", but when people deny you your right to your own pain it hurts like hell.
You will never know how many children you have saved from these abusers, you are a hero for stepping up and taking the heat.
Take care.
You will never know how many children you have saved from these abusers, you are a hero for stepping up and taking the heat.
Take care.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
HI
thanks for your post
I know incest is common in families where there is substance abuse.
In my extended family, I counted once, and including perps and 'victims' there are 14. Including myself.
One of those was taken to the police.
The fallout is far too much to share here, but basically, it is a family shame and massive argument amongst the memembers of the family, that this person was dobbed into the police and it went to court (he was found guilty). My family can't understand why this person is still 'banished' from our family gatherings if another member is there (mother of the abused child)
I shake my head when Ithink... that is the family shame... that he was held accountable for his actions??????? The family secrets should be the shame.
I live 5000km away from my family so I do not get involved in any of it anymore, I speak to them a few times a year and visit maybe once a year or two.
I support the person who dobbed in the perpetrator, I maintain contact with the perp as he is part of my family. I have close contact with the person who did things to me. I have never told anyone in my family what happened, and I never will.
You are brave.... do what is best for you
thanks for your post
I know incest is common in families where there is substance abuse.
In my extended family, I counted once, and including perps and 'victims' there are 14. Including myself.
One of those was taken to the police.
The fallout is far too much to share here, but basically, it is a family shame and massive argument amongst the memembers of the family, that this person was dobbed into the police and it went to court (he was found guilty). My family can't understand why this person is still 'banished' from our family gatherings if another member is there (mother of the abused child)
I shake my head when Ithink... that is the family shame... that he was held accountable for his actions??????? The family secrets should be the shame.
I live 5000km away from my family so I do not get involved in any of it anymore, I speak to them a few times a year and visit maybe once a year or two.
I support the person who dobbed in the perpetrator, I maintain contact with the perp as he is part of my family. I have close contact with the person who did things to me. I have never told anyone in my family what happened, and I never will.
You are brave.... do what is best for you
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Thank you, Linda. I'm sorry it happened to you, too. And I'm sorry that some in your family reacted in a dysfunctional and hurtful way.
Sometimes it really helps to come to a place like this to remind ourselves that we aren't the sick ones, the ones who are in denial are the sick ones, even though society seems to treat the people in denial as the healthy ones.
Sometimes it really helps to come to a place like this to remind ourselves that we aren't the sick ones, the ones who are in denial are the sick ones, even though society seems to treat the people in denial as the healthy ones.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
I have a niece that has in the past sent me nasty emails.
One thing I'd like to share with you and everyone else: When I get a nasty email/letter from somebody nowadays, the minute it gets nasty I STOP READING IT.
Why let the passive-aggressive person hurt you this way?
One thing I'd like to share with you and everyone else: When I get a nasty email/letter from somebody nowadays, the minute it gets nasty I STOP READING IT.
Why let the passive-aggressive person hurt you this way?
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Posts: 318
Just an update...rather predictably, my family of origin has disowned me because I told the truth about the abuse.
My husband said, "you've never gotten anything but grief from your family..." And he is right.
Part of me feels relieved but some irrational part of me thinks, "oh I am in so much trouble now for telling the secret..."
It's funny that they have never condemned the abusers, or cut off contact with them, but they think it's so wrong that I told the truth that the have collectively disowned me as a family.
Relieved, yeah, but still feeling a bit shaky. Sorry to keep going on about this.
My husband said, "you've never gotten anything but grief from your family..." And he is right.
Part of me feels relieved but some irrational part of me thinks, "oh I am in so much trouble now for telling the secret..."
It's funny that they have never condemned the abusers, or cut off contact with them, but they think it's so wrong that I told the truth that the have collectively disowned me as a family.
Relieved, yeah, but still feeling a bit shaky. Sorry to keep going on about this.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
It is very sad, but to accept you and refuse contact with the perpetrator, would mean they would have to accept that 'this kind of thing' happens in 'our good family'.
That is too much to bear for most people. It is easier for them to say that you are lying and to dismiss one person in the family, that for all of them to have to accept they are not the perfect family they think they are.
To believe you is way to hard for their little minds to think about.
I know I would never tell my parents what my sister did to me, what my brother did to my sister and so on and so forth.... it would destroy my mother. All us kids know and it is never discussed.
When my brother's son became a perpetrator himself, and it was reported, the family have turned against the mother of the girl that was raped (the perpetrators step sister) for not accepting him back into the fold of 'the family'. They are angry that we cannot have the entire family together as either my sister in law is not there, or my nephew is not there. Either way, the abused girl is never there no matter what.
they are all grown up now but the hatred and anger is deep in some of the family. Ironically, it is deep in the family and extended family members that themselves have been abused through incest. They say it should be kept 'in the family' and dealt with 'inhouse'.
You are brave, you have done what you think is right for you.
Just try to remember that they do not do this on purpose to hurt you, they are just too weak to be able to grasp the concept that this is real. They are only doing what they know how to do.
That is too much to bear for most people. It is easier for them to say that you are lying and to dismiss one person in the family, that for all of them to have to accept they are not the perfect family they think they are.
To believe you is way to hard for their little minds to think about.
I know I would never tell my parents what my sister did to me, what my brother did to my sister and so on and so forth.... it would destroy my mother. All us kids know and it is never discussed.
When my brother's son became a perpetrator himself, and it was reported, the family have turned against the mother of the girl that was raped (the perpetrators step sister) for not accepting him back into the fold of 'the family'. They are angry that we cannot have the entire family together as either my sister in law is not there, or my nephew is not there. Either way, the abused girl is never there no matter what.
they are all grown up now but the hatred and anger is deep in some of the family. Ironically, it is deep in the family and extended family members that themselves have been abused through incest. They say it should be kept 'in the family' and dealt with 'inhouse'.
You are brave, you have done what you think is right for you.
Just try to remember that they do not do this on purpose to hurt you, they are just too weak to be able to grasp the concept that this is real. They are only doing what they know how to do.
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Thank you all so very much!
Lots of emotions these past few days. Today mostly a sense of relief that I finally told - it's been on my conscience for a long time. I knew I had to act to protect others, but the rules of the alcoholic family are, "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" and I felt stuck and trapped.
There is an amazing sense of empowerment that I feel today, and relief. And almost giddiness at the idea that I might not have to deal with my dysfunctional family ever again. My husband is right - they HAVE only brought me grief. I just stayed in contact out of guilt.
To be honest, it feels wonderful to be free now.
Lots of emotions these past few days. Today mostly a sense of relief that I finally told - it's been on my conscience for a long time. I knew I had to act to protect others, but the rules of the alcoholic family are, "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" and I felt stuck and trapped.
There is an amazing sense of empowerment that I feel today, and relief. And almost giddiness at the idea that I might not have to deal with my dysfunctional family ever again. My husband is right - they HAVE only brought me grief. I just stayed in contact out of guilt.
To be honest, it feels wonderful to be free now.
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