thinking out loud...
polyaddicted cocanut
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Dixie
Posts: 781
thinking out loud...
why is it that when I was using I always had this thought in the back of my mind like "one day I'm gonna quit this sh*t and clean myself up..." and now that I'm actually clean and sober I keep getting this thought like "one more"... and I think that may be a mental obsession meaning I'm an addict but sometimes I don't think I'm an addict simply because if you look at how much I used compared to someone else I used very little... and rarely enjoyed it. I mean I admit that when I started (any drug) I loved it and used more frequently and more than most people "just starting"...
but yeah, I guess these thoughts and cravings are proof that I am an addict... it has just been frustrating me lately how all of my peers/friends seem to care less about using... they would use everyday for the rest of their lives if they could get away with it... for some reason me, even when I first started (before all the anxiety and sh*t started happening) I always had this thought "I'm gonna quit this soon, I don't want to go the rest of my life living like this"... I felt like I was always missing out on life when I was in an altered state of reality. The anxiety and panic attacks were what sent me over the edge and actually made me put a plan in motion to stop using... if it weren't for that I'd still be stuck on "just one more then I'll quit".....
anyways just frustrated... I was content with being sober last night and I should have known that wouldn't last too long
I need to find a group of people to start hanging out with my age that hold this "drugs and alcohol are bad" idea... It doesn't help me at all being around people who just seem so naive about it all. I think it is jealousy partly... because if I didn't have anxiety problems and panic attacks while going up, coming down, and whilst sober, I'd still be using, I guarantee it. And as they say, ignorance is bliss.
Another thing that makes it hard for me is that for some reason in my mind it was always a competition... For some reason I had this idea that I had to one up everybody on their drug use, whether they cared or not... so when I'm around people who are drinking and they make stupid comments like "I don't like the way this tastes" (who drinks alcohol for the taste?) or "I only took one hit and I'm sooo high"... my initial thought is to take the drink out of their hand and gulp it down as fast as I can, then go smoke 10 bowls of that **** that kid only took one hit off of and acts like he's ripped... then go eat some benzos and pull out a sack of cocaine...
I never understood why people didn't use everyday. (Keep in mind a part of me wanted sobriety, but I usually just tuned that out) My philosophy was, if you're going to use at all, why not do it all the time?
This was great, until every time I did a line I thought my heart was going to explode, and every time I smoked a little bit of weed I felt like I was about to die....(which really destroyed my confidence) but I still didn't stop. I'd smoke so much weed and do so much cocaine that I was always positive that this was the end, that I would die from a heart attack or I would end up leaving reality and become clinically insane. An overwhelming sense of fear and panic would overcome me, but I would feel so helpless that I wouldn't bother calling 911 or talking to anyone cause I knew no one could help me. But what frustrates me the most is the fact that I was always fine, this anxiety and overwhelming feeling of panic was all in my head, there was no real danger, I was just always too stoned or too coked up (yeah, doing too much cocaine is dangerous obviously but I never had a legit reason to panic)
Well today my anxiety is much better, and being anxiety/panic free is very triggering for me. I still have nightmares about some of those bad drug experiences, but I still have an intense desire to "Try it one more time" and just see what happens with my anxiety. However, I know that even if I didn't have a panic attack whilst under the influence and had a wonderful experience, part of me would be disgusted, disappointed, and fiending for more. I always had a desire to quit but I always put it off... "I'll quit one day..." "this is the last time"....
anyways I'm not sure what the point of this post is... I am just thinking out loud here, It helps to type these things out and share them occasionally
I need to remember that... It may be good some times, but my mind always builds it up to be better than it really is... it is hard for me to think rationally sometimes
but yeah, I guess these thoughts and cravings are proof that I am an addict... it has just been frustrating me lately how all of my peers/friends seem to care less about using... they would use everyday for the rest of their lives if they could get away with it... for some reason me, even when I first started (before all the anxiety and sh*t started happening) I always had this thought "I'm gonna quit this soon, I don't want to go the rest of my life living like this"... I felt like I was always missing out on life when I was in an altered state of reality. The anxiety and panic attacks were what sent me over the edge and actually made me put a plan in motion to stop using... if it weren't for that I'd still be stuck on "just one more then I'll quit".....
anyways just frustrated... I was content with being sober last night and I should have known that wouldn't last too long
I need to find a group of people to start hanging out with my age that hold this "drugs and alcohol are bad" idea... It doesn't help me at all being around people who just seem so naive about it all. I think it is jealousy partly... because if I didn't have anxiety problems and panic attacks while going up, coming down, and whilst sober, I'd still be using, I guarantee it. And as they say, ignorance is bliss.
Another thing that makes it hard for me is that for some reason in my mind it was always a competition... For some reason I had this idea that I had to one up everybody on their drug use, whether they cared or not... so when I'm around people who are drinking and they make stupid comments like "I don't like the way this tastes" (who drinks alcohol for the taste?) or "I only took one hit and I'm sooo high"... my initial thought is to take the drink out of their hand and gulp it down as fast as I can, then go smoke 10 bowls of that **** that kid only took one hit off of and acts like he's ripped... then go eat some benzos and pull out a sack of cocaine...
I never understood why people didn't use everyday. (Keep in mind a part of me wanted sobriety, but I usually just tuned that out) My philosophy was, if you're going to use at all, why not do it all the time?
This was great, until every time I did a line I thought my heart was going to explode, and every time I smoked a little bit of weed I felt like I was about to die....(which really destroyed my confidence) but I still didn't stop. I'd smoke so much weed and do so much cocaine that I was always positive that this was the end, that I would die from a heart attack or I would end up leaving reality and become clinically insane. An overwhelming sense of fear and panic would overcome me, but I would feel so helpless that I wouldn't bother calling 911 or talking to anyone cause I knew no one could help me. But what frustrates me the most is the fact that I was always fine, this anxiety and overwhelming feeling of panic was all in my head, there was no real danger, I was just always too stoned or too coked up (yeah, doing too much cocaine is dangerous obviously but I never had a legit reason to panic)
Well today my anxiety is much better, and being anxiety/panic free is very triggering for me. I still have nightmares about some of those bad drug experiences, but I still have an intense desire to "Try it one more time" and just see what happens with my anxiety. However, I know that even if I didn't have a panic attack whilst under the influence and had a wonderful experience, part of me would be disgusted, disappointed, and fiending for more. I always had a desire to quit but I always put it off... "I'll quit one day..." "this is the last time"....
anyways I'm not sure what the point of this post is... I am just thinking out loud here, It helps to type these things out and share them occasionally
I need to remember that... It may be good some times, but my mind always builds it up to be better than it really is... it is hard for me to think rationally sometimes
polyaddicted cocanut
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Dixie
Posts: 781
I'm good haha... haven't relapsed yet... I was doing real good for a while and was real happy being sober but things change quick as hell...
The bad thing is, Life is great now... And to be honest when things are going great and I feel happy is when I seem to be at my most vulnerable.
I just recently made the mistake of calling up an old acquaintance that I used lots of cocaine with... everything from buyin it together to usin together... so just hearin this kid's voice and seein his face or even talking to him is INTENSELY triggering for me... not smart I know. I guess I am just "testing the waters" which is probably very dangerous but I wasn't thinking straight when I called him... I had a crazy urge and just thought well I'll see what he's been up to... Not trying to get any drugs I just haven't talked to him a while.... (I'm real friendly like that...")
I know using won't make me happy. Deep down I feel like there is more to life than getting high and being in an altered sense of reality. And once I do use "one more time"... will it ever be enough? How many times will I use "one more".... Most likely I'll become anxiety ridden and paranoid anyways. It's funny how I build something up in my mind to be so great, and then when it comes down to it the high isn't nearly as good as I thought it would be.. I am over 4 months clean (would be 7 if I didn't mess up) and I feel a stronger desire to use now than I did when I first got clean...
Last night I was just talking about how using is stupid and I'm glad I'm sober hahaha...
My sponsor always said "call me before you call the dope man"....
well, I just called the dope man to "catch up"... haven't talked to my sponsor in a while... but I realized that from the last relapse there is nothing my sponsor can do it all comes down to me... last time I didn't call my sponsor because I didn't want him to talk me out of it
the worst part is he's goin to my school now haha... **** isn't gonna be good... If I'm in a bad moment of craving I don't think I will have the ability to say no
The bad thing is, Life is great now... And to be honest when things are going great and I feel happy is when I seem to be at my most vulnerable.
I just recently made the mistake of calling up an old acquaintance that I used lots of cocaine with... everything from buyin it together to usin together... so just hearin this kid's voice and seein his face or even talking to him is INTENSELY triggering for me... not smart I know. I guess I am just "testing the waters" which is probably very dangerous but I wasn't thinking straight when I called him... I had a crazy urge and just thought well I'll see what he's been up to... Not trying to get any drugs I just haven't talked to him a while.... (I'm real friendly like that...")
I know using won't make me happy. Deep down I feel like there is more to life than getting high and being in an altered sense of reality. And once I do use "one more time"... will it ever be enough? How many times will I use "one more".... Most likely I'll become anxiety ridden and paranoid anyways. It's funny how I build something up in my mind to be so great, and then when it comes down to it the high isn't nearly as good as I thought it would be.. I am over 4 months clean (would be 7 if I didn't mess up) and I feel a stronger desire to use now than I did when I first got clean...
Last night I was just talking about how using is stupid and I'm glad I'm sober hahaha...
My sponsor always said "call me before you call the dope man"....
well, I just called the dope man to "catch up"... haven't talked to my sponsor in a while... but I realized that from the last relapse there is nothing my sponsor can do it all comes down to me... last time I didn't call my sponsor because I didn't want him to talk me out of it
the worst part is he's goin to my school now haha... **** isn't gonna be good... If I'm in a bad moment of craving I don't think I will have the ability to say no
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
