The Secret Lives of Recovered, Dual-Diagnosed Alcoholics
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The Secret Lives of Recovered, Dual-Diagnosed Alcoholics
I felt this article was really good at describing the frustration and trials of those duel-diagnosed alcoholics.
I too, like the author, am at a point in my life where it no longer matters to me what others in AA think of my taking meds to treat my illness. I am who I am and I am sober with or without mental health medications. But like the author I respect those that are not at that place in their lives.
Source: The Secret Lives of Recovered, Dual-Diagnosed Alcoholics | Depression on My Mind
I too, like the author, am at a point in my life where it no longer matters to me what others in AA think of my taking meds to treat my illness. I am who I am and I am sober with or without mental health medications. But like the author I respect those that are not at that place in their lives.
The Secret Lives of Recovered, Dual-Diagnosed Alcoholics
By Christine Stapleton-depressed woman
Recovered alcoholics have two birthdays. Our belly-button birthday – the day we took our first breath – and our sober birthday – the day we took our last drink. We get presents for both.
I’m telling you this not because my sober birthday is coming up – August 27 is 13 years without a drink – but because we live a life divided. Our sobriety has given us a new life but it comes with price. Secrecy. Anonymity. I am speaking about the life we lead among our clan of fellow recovered alcoholics.
We have sayings – “Keep coming back it works if you work it” – and we have tokens of devotion – colored poker chips to denote lengths of sobriety. We have clubhouses and private meetings. But there are no dues for membership.
I am not knocking any of this. I love my sober life. I am telling you this because this is not always an easy way to live. Especially if you are a dual-diagnosed recovered alcoholic. For many of us, we have spent much of our lives either denying we had a problem, convincing ourselves that we could handle it, ignoring all of it and covering our tracks.
For all of us, we have suffered alone. Afraid and/or too proud to ask for help. We know what stigma feels like. There are huge swaths of our lives we want to keep hidden. We feel week and incompetent. We cannot control our urges no matter how hard we try.
Can you imagine wanting something so badly that you hide it in the basement behind the old paint cans or back behind the Christmas ornaments on the top shelf? Can you imagine feeling utterly despondent, hopeless and numb that you want to die but still you go to work everyday and act as if you’re fine, just fine?
Even when we get well, we hit bottom and clawed our way out, we can’t share our success. Even among our fellow recovered alcoholics we are afraid to share our success because so many will criticize and judge our decision to take antidepressants and mood stabilizers. They tell us we aren’t really clean and sober if we’re taking these “mood altering” drugs.
We create a kind of caste system among our contacts. Among these people we cannot divulge that we are recovered alcoholics or mentally ill. These folks know about our alcoholism and recovery but we can’t tell them that we take medication for our other mental illness. These people – these very few people – we can speak freely about our alcoholism, our depression and our medication.
So much of our lives – even in recovery – is a secret. We have lived with secrets for so long that we have gotten used to it. Secrets are our normal. I chose a different path. I am at an age and point in my career and parenting that I am able to be open about my depression, bipolar and alcoholism.
But I do not force, or even suggest, that my decision is the best, appropriate way to live with alcoholism and depression. Unlike the gay activist Harvey Milk, who urged gays and lesbians to “come out of the closet,” I don’t and won’t urge dual-diagnosed alcoholics to “out” themselves. It’s not for me to say. The goal for all of us is to stay sober and healthy. I support that. Who am I to urge you to do something that could be so mentally stressful that it makes you sick?
I will support and respect your decision either way.
By Christine Stapleton-depressed woman
Recovered alcoholics have two birthdays. Our belly-button birthday – the day we took our first breath – and our sober birthday – the day we took our last drink. We get presents for both.
I’m telling you this not because my sober birthday is coming up – August 27 is 13 years without a drink – but because we live a life divided. Our sobriety has given us a new life but it comes with price. Secrecy. Anonymity. I am speaking about the life we lead among our clan of fellow recovered alcoholics.
We have sayings – “Keep coming back it works if you work it” – and we have tokens of devotion – colored poker chips to denote lengths of sobriety. We have clubhouses and private meetings. But there are no dues for membership.
I am not knocking any of this. I love my sober life. I am telling you this because this is not always an easy way to live. Especially if you are a dual-diagnosed recovered alcoholic. For many of us, we have spent much of our lives either denying we had a problem, convincing ourselves that we could handle it, ignoring all of it and covering our tracks.
For all of us, we have suffered alone. Afraid and/or too proud to ask for help. We know what stigma feels like. There are huge swaths of our lives we want to keep hidden. We feel week and incompetent. We cannot control our urges no matter how hard we try.
Can you imagine wanting something so badly that you hide it in the basement behind the old paint cans or back behind the Christmas ornaments on the top shelf? Can you imagine feeling utterly despondent, hopeless and numb that you want to die but still you go to work everyday and act as if you’re fine, just fine?
Even when we get well, we hit bottom and clawed our way out, we can’t share our success. Even among our fellow recovered alcoholics we are afraid to share our success because so many will criticize and judge our decision to take antidepressants and mood stabilizers. They tell us we aren’t really clean and sober if we’re taking these “mood altering” drugs.
We create a kind of caste system among our contacts. Among these people we cannot divulge that we are recovered alcoholics or mentally ill. These folks know about our alcoholism and recovery but we can’t tell them that we take medication for our other mental illness. These people – these very few people – we can speak freely about our alcoholism, our depression and our medication.
So much of our lives – even in recovery – is a secret. We have lived with secrets for so long that we have gotten used to it. Secrets are our normal. I chose a different path. I am at an age and point in my career and parenting that I am able to be open about my depression, bipolar and alcoholism.
But I do not force, or even suggest, that my decision is the best, appropriate way to live with alcoholism and depression. Unlike the gay activist Harvey Milk, who urged gays and lesbians to “come out of the closet,” I don’t and won’t urge dual-diagnosed alcoholics to “out” themselves. It’s not for me to say. The goal for all of us is to stay sober and healthy. I support that. Who am I to urge you to do something that could be so mentally stressful that it makes you sick?
I will support and respect your decision either way.
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Nandm, I'm not a part of the "clan", as this lady describes the Fellowship. As an outsider, I think it's ...sad.. and infinitely annoying that your peers would dare cast judgment on you and others for needing extra help, maybe in the form of medication. Some don't judge, I gather, but apparently many do, and that's disturbing.
When will people understand that antidepressants, anti-psychotics and stabilisers are not "happy pills" or -the term I loathe the most- "lifestyle drugs"?
Considering all that talk about (in)sanity, one would think that compassion should be the order of the day. Apparently, it's not.
Like you, I'm part of GLBT community, so I know all about secrecy and hiding. The Shame. As always, you have my full support
When will people understand that antidepressants, anti-psychotics and stabilisers are not "happy pills" or -the term I loathe the most- "lifestyle drugs"?
Considering all that talk about (in)sanity, one would think that compassion should be the order of the day. Apparently, it's not.
Like you, I'm part of GLBT community, so I know all about secrecy and hiding. The Shame. As always, you have my full support
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
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I think it's also true of being a part of the 'normal' world--people expect others to suck it up and get over it--they can't possibly understand if they've never went through it, either personally or watching a loved one suffer.
The stigma is why so many die. I don't wear my mental illness on my forehead, but I do talk about it with people (especially after my breakdowns at work...couldn't exactly hide it).
The stigma is why so many die. I don't wear my mental illness on my forehead, but I do talk about it with people (especially after my breakdowns at work...couldn't exactly hide it).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
I spent years and years pretending I was fine...just fine..meanwhile I was dying inside...I thank God for mood stabilizers! and also a AA support group who does recognize mental illness and alcoholism...it's like a breath of fresh air!!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Mt
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There are those in AA and in society in general that think phycotropic drugs are bad. There are also many enlightened people in AA an in Society that are thankful that there is medication that is effective in treating mental illness issues. So I think that the article is fair in presenting that, but I hope that those of us that choice other forms of recovery or are looking for recovery won't make a generalizations that AA is anti- meds.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 155
That is a good article. I'm glad I didn't listen to my old sponsor when he said I should stop taking the medication. He had helped me in many ways before then but it this case somethin' told me not to listen. Luckily I had been sober long enough before starting the medication to not be persuaded by the ill-informed and misguided. Early in my sobriety I very well may have canned the meds and gone back to whiteknuckling the depressions. I sponsor a man now who takes an anti-depressant. One of the reasons he asked me is he knows I take one too.
AA is a life saver, it was for me. No one's ever called it the bedrock of mental health but there are hearts of gold galore.
AA is a life saver, it was for me. No one's ever called it the bedrock of mental health but there are hearts of gold galore.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Originally Posted by WendyAussie 
I don't want to give a false view about AA though, as Mattcake has expressed (I respect your view). AA has saved my life and continues to do so on a daily basis - my Dad was one of 8 and 7 drank themselves to death and the last was a prescription drug addict. So my being sober for so long is a miracle. AA does save lives.
Originally Posted by mattcake79
Some (members) don't judge, I gather, but apparently many do, and that's disturbing.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Posts: 487
I suffered from clinical depression long before I started drinking but it wasn't before I was in late stage alcoholism and finally found hope that received the help I needed. I can't believe I spent close to 25 yrs asking God to take me in my sleep and sometimes trying to make that happen, years of severe depressive episodes that I and others didn't even recognize. Addiction science, therapy and medication therapy have saved me and I now know what it means to be grateful and love myself.
To that end, I choose to spend time with people who pass no judgement and are healthy mentally. That includes many sober people but few alcoholics. My support group consists of people who love me unconditionally and SR, of course.
SH
To that end, I choose to spend time with people who pass no judgement and are healthy mentally. That includes many sober people but few alcoholics. My support group consists of people who love me unconditionally and SR, of course.
SH
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Wendy, thank you, after I posted, I thought that may have have been the case - a misunderstanding. I apologise for being so defensive 
I'm an outsider, here in SR I've learnt that AA helps many people, and others... well, not so much. So the original article is interesting. If this lady is having so many problems with the "clan", why bother with attending? Just a thought.
I'm an outsider, here in SR I've learnt that AA helps many people, and others... well, not so much. So the original article is interesting. If this lady is having so many problems with the "clan", why bother with attending? Just a thought.
Originally Posted by WendyAussie
Hey mattcake, sorry, my wording was poor. What I meant was that "I" don't want to give a false view about, AA, not that I was disrespecting your post in any way. I felt I had to clarify that despite the problems and the stigma attached to mental illness and medication I experience in AA, it is a truly life-saving organisation.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
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In the very beginning my sponsor said it's a good idea to not mention depression or medication in the rooms so I never have. Great advice! AA's own literature says no one should play doctor but there are ignorant, stupid AA's who will walk up and give their unsolicited advice. These are two diseases. One I treat with AA and the other a psychiatrist.
According to doctor, roughly 60% of recovering alcoholics also have another mental illness such as depression or bipolar disorder. We're pretty common. The smart ones just don't talk about it.
According to doctor, roughly 60% of recovering alcoholics also have another mental illness such as depression or bipolar disorder. We're pretty common. The smart ones just don't talk about it.
Life the gift of recovery!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
The smart ones just don't talk about it.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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page 161 (never belittle a good docter our psychiatrist) page 114 (sometimes there are cases where alcholism is complicated by other disorders. A good docter or psychiatrist can tell you whether these complications are serious.)Just dont talk about why.page XXX (there is the manic depressive type,who is, perhaps, the least understood by his friends, and about whom a whole chapter could be written.Bi polar 1 with psychosis and recoverd alcholic. 3 trips to the mental hospital trying to get 12 steps to do something it was not made for. Then I accepted I was bi polar 1 with pschosis.What Bill W wrote in the BB is not what I her at meetings.Stigma all the time but now I defend others when a play docter shows up with the pages up top I memorized.AA icon Bob Darrel bashes meds I did the steps again and dumped my meds an was hospitalized.
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let's chill guys
This is obviously an emotive issue for all concerned.
I find it's often a good idea to walk away from the thread for a while if you're feeling too heated.
From our policies and rules:
thanks all
D
This is obviously an emotive issue for all concerned.
I find it's often a good idea to walk away from the thread for a while if you're feeling too heated.
From our policies and rules:
Healthy, vigorous debate will further our goals, but only when guided by the tolerance that springs from mutual embrace of mission.
D
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
So true, D.Thanks for the reminder. It would be SO ironic if I'd sobered up, only to die from severe depression a couple of years later. I'm just glad that I got proper help in time
Let's just leave mental health issues to mental health professionals - that's what they're there for.
Let's just leave mental health issues to mental health professionals - that's what they're there for.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
I had a sponsor once who said that when I had a tooth ache I went to a dentist for help so if I need help with a mental disorder than I go to a Dr who can help with that.
I work continually on not caring what others think of me but to be honest I care way to much. I have actually stopped going to certain meetings because of hurtful gossip.
I have had it drilled into me that what others think of me in none of my business lol I really don't like to hear that.
I even sometimes get paranoid about being honest on here because there are some who read all the posts that we write and are privy to some pretty personal stuff.
The bottom line is I have nothing to be ashamed of and I don't have anything that I could write that would make me feel that way.
It is fear that stems between my two ears, and prayer is the only thing I have found that makes it OK.
People that judge don't matter.
People that matter don't judge.
I work continually on not caring what others think of me but to be honest I care way to much. I have actually stopped going to certain meetings because of hurtful gossip.
I have had it drilled into me that what others think of me in none of my business lol I really don't like to hear that.
I even sometimes get paranoid about being honest on here because there are some who read all the posts that we write and are privy to some pretty personal stuff.
The bottom line is I have nothing to be ashamed of and I don't have anything that I could write that would make me feel that way.
It is fear that stems between my two ears, and prayer is the only thing I have found that makes it OK.
People that judge don't matter.
People that matter don't judge.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 155
Well put Wendy. You have a way with words. I agree with the wanting to be part of the pack and not on the edge of it. My whole life I never felt like I fit in anywhere until I got to AA and then I felt at home. I've said jokingly over the years that the only 2 places I ever felt like I fit in were a Grateful Dead concert and AA.
Once I came out and told people in AA I had a diagnosis and was starting medication that feeling of fitting in vanished. We alcoholics can be over sensitive at times and I'm no exception to that. When I was new an oldtimer asked me if I knew what the AA code is. I said I didn't know and he replied...."Love and tolerance of others is our code." It's in the Big Book I later learned. My experience with coming out made me question that.
Knowing that there was a stigma about taking meds in AA before I came out and said I took them didn't stop me from being open and honest about what was going on in my life at the time. Call me foolish. Like many alcoholics I end to judge myself quite harshly at times.
I like what Dr Paul said in his story. (paraphrasing) I judge others by their intentions and not their actions and myself by my actions and not my intentions. All I have control over are my actions, what others say about me is none of my business....but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting at times.
Once I came out and told people in AA I had a diagnosis and was starting medication that feeling of fitting in vanished. We alcoholics can be over sensitive at times and I'm no exception to that. When I was new an oldtimer asked me if I knew what the AA code is. I said I didn't know and he replied...."Love and tolerance of others is our code." It's in the Big Book I later learned. My experience with coming out made me question that.
Knowing that there was a stigma about taking meds in AA before I came out and said I took them didn't stop me from being open and honest about what was going on in my life at the time. Call me foolish. Like many alcoholics I end to judge myself quite harshly at times.
I like what Dr Paul said in his story. (paraphrasing) I judge others by their intentions and not their actions and myself by my actions and not my intentions. All I have control over are my actions, what others say about me is none of my business....but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting at times.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,945
Originally Posted by dsmaxis10
page 161 (never belittle a good docter our psychiatrist) page 114 (sometimes there are cases where alcholism is complicated by other disorders. A good docter or psychiatrist can tell you whether these complications are serious.)Just dont talk about why.page XXX (there is the manic depressive type,who is, perhaps, the least understood by his friends, and about whom a whole chapter could be written.Bi polar 1 with psychosis and recoverd alcholic. 3 trips to the mental hospital trying to get 12 steps to do something it was not made for. Then I accepted I was bi polar 1 with pschosis.What Bill W wrote in the BB is not what I her at meetings.Stigma all the time but now I defend others when a play docter shows up with the pages up top I memorized.AA icon Bob Darrel bashes meds I did the steps again and dumped my meds an was hospitalized.
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