First SR post - did 4th and 5th yesterday
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 95
First SR post - did 4th and 5th yesterday
I have finally experienced the power and truth of the 4th step. This intense version that I just did took me 6 days - a couple of hours each day. This is after 4 years in and out of AA, with a lot of "head" knowledge - so much that it was about to cause a seismic explosion in my head - especially when I tried to drink or use! Man, was I miserable. People were telling me - "dude - just give it up. go home and get sober. the party is SO over for you!" Funny now - but the point is - this program takes desperation. So - I was desperate and ready.
I let it pour out, then went through twice and considered what came out. Some I set aside, realizing I had scanned my entire life's events and lost track of specific resentments, fears and an assessment of my sexual/personal relations. Ended up with 130 resentments, 20 fears and a handful of significant relationships. The first thing you notice is how angry and scared you are. If it were someone else, you would never expect them to live well! Since it's us (me, you), it's a real jolt. So, it begins with the realization that there is no way to live well with that gorilla suffocating you. Then, it seemed to condense into manageable habits, patterns, etc - the same stuff in every relationship.
Under that is the core set of fears - for me, this thing is ALL fear. And for me, fear is the lack of faith. That sense of impending doom. I had to get to a prayer/spritual sense to get that. But I kept thinking "I really never meant to casue this mayhem - that wasn't my intention!" I was doing just what the book says - demanding too much of the world, setting expectations that were out of whack because of the spiritual malady inside of me - and ruined everything by being overly dependent or overly dominant over other people and things. The more it failed, the harder I tried and the lower I sunk in terms of companions.
Once this malady has you - other people can sense it even if they are lying in the gutter. You can't go low enough to escape the vibe that reflects back to you. So that 4th column is where I picked up my Character Defects - I went with a list of 7 for now, and fears, which I got down to 7 also. Then I listed the "malady" itself - self-centeredness, self-seeking, fear and dishonesty - and found that I can put each of the defects under a heading. Now, in Steps 6 & 7, I know what to pray to have removed. And the most important thing - I have learned that on my own, through my own thoughts and actions - I have NO chance of removing these things and allowing my true spirit to emerge. I must have the the power of the program and the Higher Power it points me toward.
I let it pour out, then went through twice and considered what came out. Some I set aside, realizing I had scanned my entire life's events and lost track of specific resentments, fears and an assessment of my sexual/personal relations. Ended up with 130 resentments, 20 fears and a handful of significant relationships. The first thing you notice is how angry and scared you are. If it were someone else, you would never expect them to live well! Since it's us (me, you), it's a real jolt. So, it begins with the realization that there is no way to live well with that gorilla suffocating you. Then, it seemed to condense into manageable habits, patterns, etc - the same stuff in every relationship.
Under that is the core set of fears - for me, this thing is ALL fear. And for me, fear is the lack of faith. That sense of impending doom. I had to get to a prayer/spritual sense to get that. But I kept thinking "I really never meant to casue this mayhem - that wasn't my intention!" I was doing just what the book says - demanding too much of the world, setting expectations that were out of whack because of the spiritual malady inside of me - and ruined everything by being overly dependent or overly dominant over other people and things. The more it failed, the harder I tried and the lower I sunk in terms of companions.
Once this malady has you - other people can sense it even if they are lying in the gutter. You can't go low enough to escape the vibe that reflects back to you. So that 4th column is where I picked up my Character Defects - I went with a list of 7 for now, and fears, which I got down to 7 also. Then I listed the "malady" itself - self-centeredness, self-seeking, fear and dishonesty - and found that I can put each of the defects under a heading. Now, in Steps 6 & 7, I know what to pray to have removed. And the most important thing - I have learned that on my own, through my own thoughts and actions - I have NO chance of removing these things and allowing my true spirit to emerge. I must have the the power of the program and the Higher Power it points me toward.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Twilli59,
Loved your post by the way.
I am 3 months into recovery. On Thursday I ask an AA member to be my sponsor. I was choked with emotion when I asked her, not sure why. We talked about this and I just said I get triggered and cry quite a bit, I see this as a positive and I am not to concerned at loking at the reasons why at this stage as I want to be stronger in my recovery. I trust that my HP will work with me on this as I let my HP guide me. I did my 1st and 3rd steps. I had intended to do my 4th step with her but she pointed out that I had not done 1-3 although I had written down my feelings searched inside myself, I didn't realize I had to do them with a sponsor. This was not a problem but I am so glad the sponsor said that it would be better if I did the 4 th step in the following week. I was not really prepared even though I had got up at 4 am listened to recovery broadcasts on the 4th step 3 times, scribbled stuff down in my AA notebook in the taxi on the way to her home, looked over some earlier stuff I had written,I really felt I had not given the 4th step the attention it deserves. After reading your post I am a bit confused, does one really have to go into such detail? I really related to what you wrote on fear. I am still unsure how to go about step 4.
CaiHong
Loved your post by the way.
I am 3 months into recovery. On Thursday I ask an AA member to be my sponsor. I was choked with emotion when I asked her, not sure why. We talked about this and I just said I get triggered and cry quite a bit, I see this as a positive and I am not to concerned at loking at the reasons why at this stage as I want to be stronger in my recovery. I trust that my HP will work with me on this as I let my HP guide me. I did my 1st and 3rd steps. I had intended to do my 4th step with her but she pointed out that I had not done 1-3 although I had written down my feelings searched inside myself, I didn't realize I had to do them with a sponsor. This was not a problem but I am so glad the sponsor said that it would be better if I did the 4 th step in the following week. I was not really prepared even though I had got up at 4 am listened to recovery broadcasts on the 4th step 3 times, scribbled stuff down in my AA notebook in the taxi on the way to her home, looked over some earlier stuff I had written,I really felt I had not given the 4th step the attention it deserves. After reading your post I am a bit confused, does one really have to go into such detail? I really related to what you wrote on fear. I am still unsure how to go about step 4.
CaiHong
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