Clinically depressed partner
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Clinically depressed partner
Long story short, my boyfriend of 2.5 years is clinically depressed, and this condition has reared its head at least 5 times, for periods of at least a month or longer, since we've been together. Sometimes it seems to be situationally motivated, sometimes, not so much. He is on such a combo of drugs I don't think there is any anti-depressent he hasn't tried. I have at times questioned the amount of drugs he takes, asking him if it wouldn't be counter-productive to take that much medication, but he seems to trust his psychiatrist, and his father is a doctor as well, and I guess none of them share my concerns in this regard. But my theory is....it's not helping, if you've been on all of these different meds, so how much worse could weaning yourself off of at least some of them be?
He has continued with the same therapist throughout, as well, and again, my theory is...if she's not helping, maybe switch? But he seems to think that he's getting the best possible treatment.
I, when I met him (again, as we were in a relationship in the past), was just coming out of a marriage to an alcoholic. Compared to him, this bf is a dream. He's mostly attentive to my needs, sensitive, great in bed (for me, his sexual pleasure has been greatly diminished due to the pills) kind, willing and able to talk our issues through. I don't want to sell any of those qualities short, because he has all of them in spades--much more so than anyone I've been with before. and we're very compatible in so many ways. But more and more, these depressive episodes just wear on me. When he's in the middle of them, it's not as if he turns into a monster, like my ex used to when he was drinking. But the reason I put the "mostly" disclaimer in front of his good qualities is because when he's in the midst of it, he's...I won't say none of those things, because he is sometimes still kind, willing to talk, etc., but it's different enough that it bothers me. I just don't feel like I'm very important to him anymore.
Also, he's gotten in the habit? I guess I'll call it that...of turning to his parents for comfort, and they have flown out and stayed with him at least three times since we've been together. Family support is awesome, and this is a pot calling the kettle black situation for sure, because when I left my husband, I and my daughter moved back in with my folks, and have been here ever since, but...he's 42. And when his parents come, they tend to stay for at least a month. And he lives in a one-bedroom apt., so when they're here, between the fact that I live at home with my folks and with his parents there, there goes ANY privacy we might have had. I realize how hypocritical that sounds, since I do live at home right now myself, and I'm no spring chicken, but... I have a young daughter, whom my parents help with. And I'm a teacher who is renting out my marital home, and wants to be able to save enough money to cover my butt if I lose my renter. I don't feel like I'm staying at mom and dads so they can emotionally support me, it's more like, it's really nice to have someone else who can occasionally drive daughter to school, or pick her up if I have a late meeting, or be there if I want to go for a bike ride. Plus, I'm saving lots of money up so I can feel secure in supporting my daughter and sending her off to college someday on a teacher's salary.
I guess my question is...where does this situation cross with what I already got myself out of? Is living with a chronically depressed person any better than living with an alcoholic? What can, and should I, expect for our relationship? How much of this is under his control? When am I being sensitive and thoughtful, and when am I being co-dependent and neglectful of my own needs in this? And, I guess that's more than one question. But I will value any response I get.
He has continued with the same therapist throughout, as well, and again, my theory is...if she's not helping, maybe switch? But he seems to think that he's getting the best possible treatment.
I, when I met him (again, as we were in a relationship in the past), was just coming out of a marriage to an alcoholic. Compared to him, this bf is a dream. He's mostly attentive to my needs, sensitive, great in bed (for me, his sexual pleasure has been greatly diminished due to the pills) kind, willing and able to talk our issues through. I don't want to sell any of those qualities short, because he has all of them in spades--much more so than anyone I've been with before. and we're very compatible in so many ways. But more and more, these depressive episodes just wear on me. When he's in the middle of them, it's not as if he turns into a monster, like my ex used to when he was drinking. But the reason I put the "mostly" disclaimer in front of his good qualities is because when he's in the midst of it, he's...I won't say none of those things, because he is sometimes still kind, willing to talk, etc., but it's different enough that it bothers me. I just don't feel like I'm very important to him anymore.
Also, he's gotten in the habit? I guess I'll call it that...of turning to his parents for comfort, and they have flown out and stayed with him at least three times since we've been together. Family support is awesome, and this is a pot calling the kettle black situation for sure, because when I left my husband, I and my daughter moved back in with my folks, and have been here ever since, but...he's 42. And when his parents come, they tend to stay for at least a month. And he lives in a one-bedroom apt., so when they're here, between the fact that I live at home with my folks and with his parents there, there goes ANY privacy we might have had. I realize how hypocritical that sounds, since I do live at home right now myself, and I'm no spring chicken, but... I have a young daughter, whom my parents help with. And I'm a teacher who is renting out my marital home, and wants to be able to save enough money to cover my butt if I lose my renter. I don't feel like I'm staying at mom and dads so they can emotionally support me, it's more like, it's really nice to have someone else who can occasionally drive daughter to school, or pick her up if I have a late meeting, or be there if I want to go for a bike ride. Plus, I'm saving lots of money up so I can feel secure in supporting my daughter and sending her off to college someday on a teacher's salary.
I guess my question is...where does this situation cross with what I already got myself out of? Is living with a chronically depressed person any better than living with an alcoholic? What can, and should I, expect for our relationship? How much of this is under his control? When am I being sensitive and thoughtful, and when am I being co-dependent and neglectful of my own needs in this? And, I guess that's more than one question. But I will value any response I get.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: ontario
Posts: 78
Hi mambo, re living with a depressed vs alcoholic person - have you had any counselling since leaving your husband - someone with experience in addictions where you can address any issues with co-dependency? A mentally ill person can attract a co-dependent.
I think living with an alcoholic brings different issues compared to living with a mentally ill person. My main issues living with an AH is the trust/verbal abuse issues. I guess the one similarity would be the roller coaster ride. With the help of a counsellor you can answer if this relationship is what you really want. Living with a mentally ill person is draining.
About the meds - This is IMO only but I'm looking for a psychiatrist who won't throw new meds at any issue I see him/her about. Please, do NOT encourage your bf to taper off any meds without the support of a doctor. These meds have bad withdrawal symptoms. I tapered and quit ativan and if I'd been in the hospital they'd have had me in restraints. In my experience family doctors really don't know much about mental illness or meds. Make an appt. for yourself with your bf's psychiatrist and discuss the issues you have with him. Is his doctor aware that he isn't doing well? It really helps to have a family member go in and explain what they're seeing. In the meantime do alot of your own research. There's info out there for families who are dealing with the mentally ill.
How much is under his control? I can only speak about bipolar depression but none of it is under my control. I'm o.k. now but I'm always very afraid that it will happen again - that my medication will stop working. When I was suicidal it was my daughter who got me to the hospital. A good psychiatrist is very important. I wasn't seeing one then and once I saw one and my med was increase I got better. I also got a non addictive med for sleep. I want to take as few meds as possible and am on a waiting list for a new psychiatrist. I want to get off of my zoloft and see if my mood stabilizer alone is enough. I would never do this alone - I need the psychiatrist to advise and monitor anything I do with my meds.
What's under my control is to try and eat regularly and get my sleep. I need to speak to my doctor if there's a change in my moods before it gets out of control. My support person is my daughter and she watches me and lets me know if she thinks I'm not myself. The most important thing which only I have control of is to take my mood stabilizer. I want to be a partner in my care and I've done alot of research.
If I'm doing the math correctly your boyfriend is deeply depressed every 3 months for 1 to 2 months at a time. IMO he needs a medication change. Go see his psychiatrist by yourself and tell him that it's bad and isn't getting better. Don't assume that your boyfriend is doing this. You can address your opinion that he's taking too many different meds at the same time.
I know it's hard please take care of yourself first.
I think living with an alcoholic brings different issues compared to living with a mentally ill person. My main issues living with an AH is the trust/verbal abuse issues. I guess the one similarity would be the roller coaster ride. With the help of a counsellor you can answer if this relationship is what you really want. Living with a mentally ill person is draining.
About the meds - This is IMO only but I'm looking for a psychiatrist who won't throw new meds at any issue I see him/her about. Please, do NOT encourage your bf to taper off any meds without the support of a doctor. These meds have bad withdrawal symptoms. I tapered and quit ativan and if I'd been in the hospital they'd have had me in restraints. In my experience family doctors really don't know much about mental illness or meds. Make an appt. for yourself with your bf's psychiatrist and discuss the issues you have with him. Is his doctor aware that he isn't doing well? It really helps to have a family member go in and explain what they're seeing. In the meantime do alot of your own research. There's info out there for families who are dealing with the mentally ill.
How much is under his control? I can only speak about bipolar depression but none of it is under my control. I'm o.k. now but I'm always very afraid that it will happen again - that my medication will stop working. When I was suicidal it was my daughter who got me to the hospital. A good psychiatrist is very important. I wasn't seeing one then and once I saw one and my med was increase I got better. I also got a non addictive med for sleep. I want to take as few meds as possible and am on a waiting list for a new psychiatrist. I want to get off of my zoloft and see if my mood stabilizer alone is enough. I would never do this alone - I need the psychiatrist to advise and monitor anything I do with my meds.
What's under my control is to try and eat regularly and get my sleep. I need to speak to my doctor if there's a change in my moods before it gets out of control. My support person is my daughter and she watches me and lets me know if she thinks I'm not myself. The most important thing which only I have control of is to take my mood stabilizer. I want to be a partner in my care and I've done alot of research.
If I'm doing the math correctly your boyfriend is deeply depressed every 3 months for 1 to 2 months at a time. IMO he needs a medication change. Go see his psychiatrist by yourself and tell him that it's bad and isn't getting better. Don't assume that your boyfriend is doing this. You can address your opinion that he's taking too many different meds at the same time.
I know it's hard please take care of yourself first.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: ontario
Posts: 78
I just re-read my post. I said nothing was under my control and I then listed what I had control over. What I meant was that I don't have control once a depression hits. This is where my support person (daughter) comes into the picture. A psychiatrist is a must to adjust meds. I have control when well to do the best I can to remain well.
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