PaperPenguin

Hello everyone, as you know it, I'm a first timer poster here. After what happened yesterday, I've decided to look for some support groups on the internet and lo and behold, I found this site.

I am not an alcoholic nor I am abusing drugs. The reason I just joined is because of my father. He has been drinking for more than 30 years and I'm basically on my last straws with him.

I thought it would be helpful, first of all, some (or most) of us are struggling with our loved ones with alcoholism and drug abuse. Secondly, I can get some feedback from the ones who had the similar situation I'm in - these would be greatly appreciated! Lastly and most importantly, I know I'm not the only one out there.

I don't want to sound like a pity party but how can I get help if I don't share my story so here it is...

I'm almost 28, that makes me an ACA, I have an alcoholic father. He is married to my-non alcoholic mom for almost 33 years, that's pretty amazing, at least to me. My dad has been drinking much longer than I've been here. All my life, I have seen him drinking. He is a everyday drinker. I don't think his alcoholism has turned for the worse until recently. My mom described him as a borderline alcoholic, but that is not the case anymore. He is an alcoholic, period.

Growing up, watching my dad going to work everyday. Every morning was the only time he did not drink. He would show up at work and come home and first thing he always did when he got home was to grab a can of beer. I would say he averaged about 4-6 cans of beers per night after work. Even his alcoholism during my childhood wasn't so bad, I told him several times I wished he wasn't drinking. That wasn't until the point that he was informed that he would be let go from his job. That was about 3 years ago. Sure enough, he was heartbroken that after about 30 years, he was unemployed. That made my mom the breadwinner in the household.

Ever since, he hasn't gotten an interview done or even hired. He has been staying home all day. The only places he goes is to the liquor store nearby or going with his friends every Friday nights for a couple hours and that is it. He graduated from 6 cans a day to 24 cans a day. He usually take slurps of 24 beer cans a day so that way he can go to the store again and buy another 24 pack. Not to mention that his unemployment benefits has stopped last month. I kept wondering, how the hell can he go buy 24 pack almost everyday if he don't make any money? Probably from what my mom makes these days. I am so heartbroken to see them like this, financially-wise. It sucks. I'm sure the cost of 24 packs are staggering, let alone in a month, it could range from $250 to $300.

I told him I was so concerned about his health and well being. He was diagnosed with type II diabetes last year with another additional health problem. How can he get any better if he keep this way? At first, he realized he has to stop drinking but that was very short-lived. He promised me he will stop drinking alcohol. Fail. He reverted back within a few days. He flat out lied to both of us (Mom and I) many times.

I feel like I am the ONLY one who is constantly trying to help my father. My mom is way TOO passive. According to herself, she does not have the nature of being very aggressive. I feel in many ways, she is enabling my dad by doing basically nothing but to let him drive to the liquor store. My mom just doesn't have the guts to say no. My mom is the kind of person who gives up so easily. That's not the best way to deal with it, however, she admitted she wants my dad to stop drinking but she is making it worse for herself. She kept telling me don't criticize me while I was trying to tell her, wake up, that's what it is happening around here.

My dad is a very nice guy, but when consumed by alcohol, he always deny he has a problem, which is a classic symptom of an alcoholic. His behavior is addictive, he once got upset that I won't lend him my car key so he can go buy another 24 pack when he ran out of his beer. He laughed or scoffed at me every time I told him I think he has a problem, please get help. He acted like whatever I say does not apply to him. I am so tired of being so passive-aggressive towards him because it obviously does not help. I can't help the situation if my mom does not do anything. I am so sick of being so angry at him, anger is not the way to go. I am also so sick of being helpless. I can't force him to do anything against his wish.

So, yeah, I think I have ran out of options when dealing with him. Right now, I don't want to deal with him. I don't think my mom has the guts to stand up for herself for what's the best of their relationship. It's sad. The only thing that I am so grateful about out of his alcoholism is that he has NO prior or any DUIs. I think that's so amazing.

Okey dokey, that's enough for now.
PP

fedup22

PP,

I can relate to much of what you are saying. My situation differs in that my father is married, but not to my mother. Most of my life I lived with my mom and stepdad, but still had the unfortunate mandatory visitations with him. They divorced when I was about 3, and he finally remarried when I was about 23 or so. She has had a good influence on him, but the same underlying problems still remain. His alcoholism is not on display as your father's is, (it used to be), but he does have 4-6 beers every day. Everyone else in his life thinks it is a problem, but whenever anyone tries to speak with him about it, they get the same response that you receive. Nothing applies to him, there's always someone else to turn it around on, you don't know what you're talking about, he can take care of himself. My father's wife has the same passive problem. She apparently left him once, but he begged for her to come back, promised to change...you know how that ended up. Now, I think she is hesitant to ever bring it up because she knows he will bully her into a fight and start in on his "problems" with her. He's very mean when confronted (even politely) about his drinking, even when he's sober. It is VERY frustrating to hear about. I want her to leave him. I hate the way he treats her and disrespects her feelings, I know what it's like because I've lived it, and I wish she would find someone better. She's told me there have been several times where he's pushed her. I believe it, because I know he did worse to my mom when they were still married.

I have recently come to the realization that I just need to disconnect from the whole thing. I care about both of them, but at the end of the day we all make our own decisions and there are always consequences to them. They will have their consequences, but it is their choice. He chooses to keep drinking despite his family's pleas. She chooses not to do anything about it. My choice, I've finally decided, is not to "be quiet" about it anymore and to tell my truth, then walk away knowing that it's the best thing for me. There's no light at the end of that tunnel, and if I'm not careful, it will suck me in, too.

wellnowwhat

I can't force him to do anything against his wish.

This is true. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

And neither can your mother.

He's an alcoholic and he will do and say anything to protect the drinking.

Your mother is right. Don't criticize her. How well do you respond to criticism?

Please read the boards, the stickies, the threads here. Learn about alcoholism and codependents. Check out Alanon. Learn what you can control and work on you. That's all you can do.

micealc

Its so sad to see what Alcohol can do to a family.
You can only save yourself..............not him or your mother.
Its the first step.......you are powerless over your fathers drinking as much as you are powerless over you Mothers influnce on him.
Only God in his wisdom can help him now.
He may be just like my dad was a heavy drinker............he liked his drink,but he never saught rehab like I did.
He thought I was weak.......id say......................thats life.
I loved him but I could never get him or him me.
Mam was addicted to tranqualisers...........same story,i was powerless.
I am attending ACA to help me Sort myself and my Lost Feeling out.
It been a tough journey..............in the long run it has to be worth it.
Best to you pp..............get to al anon/aca and start helping yourself.
Please read the laundry list of aca if you have not already ,see can you inentify.

dollydo

Hi,

My mom is the alcoholic in my life....65 years of drinking and still standing, more or less.

Sorry to say, there is nothing you can do except jump ship, and, save yourself.

Your mother has chosen this lifestyle, she, like so many women are just so afraid to be alone that they will comprise everything, includinng their children to be with a man. Not a darn thing that you can do about her, it is her choice.

It is your choice as to how to live your life, make your past a guidepost not a hitching post.

I am sorry that you are being exposed to this toxic behavior, the ball is in your court, do what is best for you.

PaperPenguin

fedup22 - thank you. I probably should disconnect from his problem. I decided it's not worth my time and I have a long way to go in my life, I mean, I'm still young and there are something for me to achieve as an individual. That means I can make all the decisions for myself in life regardless my father. I must add, he doesn't always display any behavior related to alcoholism except when he wants a drink, it's almost like a 5 years throwing a fit. His is a very quiet, like silent almost, fit. That will go away once he lays his hand on a beer can, that's sad.

So far, it's going well for myself as a person. It's almost like I'm oblivious to any of his problems. I also have came to a realization where I knew I am no help so why waste another breath on it? I got things to worry about. My new motto for myself, someone's loss is my gain. So I'm moving forward.

wellnowwhat - Like I said, my mom's a very passive person. I didn't criticize her somehow, after all, she admitted that she doesn't like the whole alcoholic thing but again, I leave to that as how she is dealing things herself. From now on, I am only worrying about myself first before others. I wish my mom could stand up for herself, I even want her to stand up to me. Then why was she telling me she doesn't like the whole deal? Her actions say it all, it's like she's in a denial for some reasons.

micealc - We, as an immediate family, are powerless to him. Nothing is going to stop him, only he can stop himself. I have exhausted all my concerns about his drinking after he was diagnosed with additional health problems. That's his loss, really, and I have to come to an acceptance that he is choosing life this way whether I like it or not.

dollydo - I feel you pain, though. You are right about my mom. Either way, it's both their loss, my dad for continuing to drink and my mom to allow herself to watch through this crap. Guess what? I jumped off the family's ship and whatever happens, I'm on my own. I can't offer help unless my father really wants. I can ONLY hope. It's more frustrating for me than feeling pain but after a few days I feel more sad about this situation he has gotten himself in. I am glad it taught me something in life - don't be what you don't want to become.

Thanks all!

confused44

PP- your story sounds too similar to mine. I am 32 years old and had a "normal" childhood, my parents still married after 34 years, my dad drinking as long as I can remember. It was normal for him to go to work and as soon as he came home, he would open up a beer. He could down a 6 or 12 pack with dinner, with no problem. But he was also 366lbs. But that was normal. It never seemed to me like he drank to get drunk, it was more of a routine. That's how I grew up. My mom never appeared as there were any issues in their relationship. Until 2000, things were fine. Then my father was faced with several health issues related to his obesity that he was told if he didn't get gastric bypass, he would die. Well, he did. I was a strong supporter of the surgery. Well, that is when our lives were turned upside down. I never, never saw my father drink liquor. It was always beer. But because of the surgery, the doctor told him no carbonation and told him liquor was ok to drink. Well, a bottle of rum has ripped my family apart. This has been for 11 years. The breaking point was when he was found sleeping in his company car on a main road at a light. Passed out in the driver's side, with a BAC of .34. My father was arrested and was arraigned the next morning. My mother and siblings refused to go to the arraignment. Instead, I went. I work with the mentally ill/substance abuse population so I thought that I would be able to "help" my father. Well, I was wrong. He went on probation, continued to drink, lost his job and was diagnosed with alcoholic cardiomyopathy. Nothing I did or said, made him want to change his lifestyle. It was devastating. My father missed the birth of my niece because my sister was in labor for so many hours that he became really agitated that he hadn't had a drink that he went home, drank and missed the birth. After that, was his diagnosis of alcoholic cardiomyopathy. He was detoxed, enrolled in a program and remained sober for 8 months. However, the last 4 months, he started drinking again. My sister and I both thought he was by his behavior and demeanor, however, my mom kept saying, no, he is not. We had our proof when he showed up at my sister's house and my house, drunk. My mom still denied he was drinking. My dad called me the next day and told me that he relapsed. My response to that was he needed to go to treatment. I am pregnant after having 7 miscarriages and I am having severe issues with my pregnancy and I didn't need the additional stress of him drinking. I told him that if he didn't seek treatment, I would not be able to maintain contact with him. Until he enrolled in a program, I did not speak to him. But little did I know, he was still drinking. My mom kept it from us because she is in denial. She is an enabler. Always making excuses for him and threatening him with losing her, but she will never leave. Anyway, long story short, my mom found him unresponsive 2 weeks ago. He was drunk. He ended up being ok, but I have not spoken to him since. Well, once, because my mom made him call me. Which again, I have asked her not to do that, that he should not be forced to do something he does not want to do. But my mom wants to believe that our family life is normal. She does not like confrontation. I told my mother today that I do not want any contact with my father. If he does not seek treatment, he will not be able to be a part of his grandchild's life. My father has sucked every bit of happiness out of my life and I have always put him first and now that I am beginning my own family, it's time for me to think about myself and my family. But my mom is not making the situation any easier by her always trying to make things ok. I try to explain to my mom that we can't cure him and we can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do but she just doesn't get it. I am going to end up cutting off my relationship with both my parents if things don't turn around.
Sorry for babbling, but your situation just seemed too similar.

I'm sorry for the situation you are going through.

PaperPenguin

Yes, we're having similar situations ourselves. I had a normal childhood as well, actually my childhood was the best stage in my life before I reached 13, you know puberty and all that. The transition to Middle school. Blah. Blah. It was probably because it hasn't affected me in many ways.

I feel my mom is in denial sometimes, but some other times I don't know what she is really feeling. Her body language isn't always clear from times to times.

No, I'm sorry for getting involved in the situation. I've should let it go a long time ago but it's hard when it involves a family member. It's tough and it's sad watching them. I was left with no choice but move on.

Good luck in your future regarding your father!

wellnowwhat

She kept telling me don't criticize me..

I only made that comment because of your comment. Sorry if I misunderstood your meaning.

She probably is in denial. It's easier to explain away things or keep a closed eye rather than examine things and determine what to change and how to go about doing it. She will, in her own time, figure out what is best for her, or she won't.

But it is good that you are going to focus on you.

Thinking of you both.

confused44

Thanks PP. You put it into perfect words. I am sorry for getting myself involved in the situation also. It's definitely hard when it involves a family member. I keep telling my husband that it's alot easier to cut off a friend until they either come around or go another path but when it is your family, it's 100% different. My situation is even more complicated due to the fact since my mom is in denial and also embarrassed, NOONE on her side of the family is aware of my family situation. Which makes it more difficult because my mom isn't going to stop bringing my father around to family functions. My father has even drank in front of us, because we were with my mother's side and he knew she would not say anything to him in front of them..UGH.
I wish you luck also. This is such a tough, tough situation!

PaperPenguin

Maybe I didn't make myself clear - that post is mighty long and I don't want to make it any longer. That's what I'm thinking too, the best bet is let her be.

PaperPenguin

We can totally relate to that. My mom admitted to me she is embarrassed about being married to an alcoholic but she is right, she married a different guy and it was over 30 years ago. A lot things can change in 30 years, right? I wish she could stand up for herself but seems like she needs a fire under her to get it going.

She usually go out with her own friends, but she almost never bring my dad along to these occasions. I wonder if it was partly due to an embarrassment. The family functions, hmm, my dad never drank (he never brought beers to family functions). This thing is getting rarer because we don't do things as a family anymore. So I don't know.

Indeed, yes, it's pretty tough.

Willybluedog

PaperPenguin thanks for joining us, no pity party here just a place where you can be among your own kind. My mama has been drinking between 3 & 6 bottles of wine a day for about 40 years, it has finally attacked her heart muscles, my dad has done everything in his power to get her to stop, now he just tries to love her for who she is, I really have to work at not being pissed at her for crapping on her marriage, her health, and her kids, my mom is massively self-absorbed.

I hope you will take care of yourself, get into counseling, as my wife tells me

"you cannot change your mom you can only address how you react to what she does"

Best of luck, come back often.

tka

Hi PP, you are definitely not alone. I can also relate to your feelings, from the unemployed drunk dad and the mom not sure how to help. When my dad was sober we got along ok and could talk about everyday things- when he's drunk he yells at me, puts me down and is a completely different person. so it's very sad and gets me angry to see how he acts when he's drunk now.

hang in there!

PaperPenguin

Willybluedog, I think that is what my mom is doing. She is loving him for who he is despite the fact he is officially an alcoholic. I don't mean to label him this way, but that's the hard fact right there. I also think my dad can be a little self-absorbed at some times. Which reminds me of...

Thank your for your kindest advice, but I'm doing much better than I thought I'd be.

Oh, one more thing... May I add something?