HappyAlone

It is a beautiful day outside but I slept in, lounged around all day just thinking and watching the wind hit the trees out the window. Normally this type of Saturday, where I blatantly avoid my routine and health, and sit around over-thinking (the worst) inevitably raises red flags and sounds alarms of depression. Just an inkling of this slippery slope would scare me to death. Usually an easy step toward undoing much of my life's work the past three years.

But today is different and exhilarating. I am high as a kite because I met someone. I am a little worried because I don't want to jump to conclusions or force any acceleration on this very new and budding relationship. We've only been on two dates and know very, very little about one another. But she's incredible. We both seem obviously reluctant to personally embrace each other, and this for me is actually a relief, and a bit of a turn on. Taking it slow because it's the only way we know how to do it.

A conversation arose, after talking about our families, etc. in which she asked "So who's your best buddy?" and after I replied my oldest brother, she asked "How about outside the family?"

I was nervous as hell when I blurted out that I don't have any friends. When she asked if this was by choice, I thought about it for a few seconds and said, "Yes and no." She wanted to know. I told the truth, short and sweet, with confidence, a tiny bit of humor, and nothing to lose. "Between the military and drug addicts which I failed to help, I guess life threw quite a bit at me all at once and I deal with it the best I can. Good thing I keep everyone at arms length anyway." With sort of a wry smile on my face I looked at her, took drink, then said "See, this is why I met you here rather than picking you up. You can leave at any time."

She paused with a slightly pursed look on her face, but took it in stride. She described her own little world, and the protective bubble she keeps around herself. She compartmentalizes everything and nothing - work, family, social life - overlaps, coincides, or clashes. Of course I fell in love right then and there, but don't tell anyone.

Under its own volition, the conversation continued lightheartedly and the date ended pleasantly. We talk on the phone, text playfully, and do all of the silly things humans must do when they first discover the possibility of finding a soulful, symbiotic counterpart. This brand new feeling of hope in the company of my usual skepticism is an amazing thing impossible to describe.

Three summers ago, I literally and emotionally was on the run chasing a high impossible to fulfill. Before and since that time I never (and I mean never) have had an interaction like this. Even if I never see this woman again for the rest of my life, I've had a real connection with a real person. First time as a drug-free, accomplished citizen. The high I feel today is infinitely more satisfying, more fulfilling than anything I have felt in a life riddled with mistaken fixes. The emptiness is not completely filled and may never be, but I am going to enjoy thoroughly this moment. Enjoy those little moments of [clean] happiness! They far surpass any substance you can find, and that's a challenge to you. Experience how a beautifully clean life dedicated to the improvement of yourself and everyone around you will be rewarding no matter how difficult it is or whether you like it or not. Tiny triumphs, small smiles, a single heart beat, or a flash of boundless epiphany. Absorb, embrace, and enjoy even if for a fleeting day or second. If this is possible, anything is possible.

Wantingit

WOW!!

Happy you made me happy! LOL! Your post gives me hope that someday in the (clean/sober) future I may have the opportunity to meet someone like you have! Thanks for posting this it actually made an already good day better for me!!

tuffenuff

Yeah....you gave me hope that maybe I too will someday meet someone.

I have the worst track record with relationships.

HappyAlone

Well I wasn't ready. Some people on here told me, but I didn't listen. I am not ready and may never be. Can't even tell the story. I don't know what is going to happen. I just need to remain calm and in control. Need to focus.
I just was plain wrong. Are recovered (or recovering) addicts even capable of having relationships? I have been alone for so long perhaps not because I isolated myself but because it isolated me. It is something I must live with my entire life. I made my choices and forever must be reminded of a struggle impossible to completely overcome. Even being clean for so long - my past is part of who i am and it is not something that can be exorcised. Alone is what saved me. And alone is what will kill me.

Dee74

I think most of us would agree we need to do a lot of work on ourselves once we get clean and sober - sometimes we disregard all that because we want to be 'fixed' now...

I was always half way down the road to eternal happiness while someone else was thinking I was a nice guy they just met today...

I had to wait until I was comfortable with being with me before I could expect anyone else to be - that takes time.

Don't give up on future plans, HappyAlone - but take it easy - don't force things.

Things will happen when they're meant to - and it will be good

D

HappyAlone

Thanks D. I have done so much fixing, but obviously not enough. It is just too much for me and I feel life is way too short. Too short to worry or fall back into the abyss, but also too short to wait, to be patient any longer. Ironic how my want leads me to try, but also to fail.

Dee74

I was impatient too - I sometimes think that most of recovery was about teaching me to be patient.

I spent 20 years chasing instant gratification - but I've gotten a lot more out of doing the work I knew I needed to do, and seeing the results.

Maybe try and see this work you're doing on yourself as a necessary thing, part of the process of becoming who you want to be, not simply a holding pattern until something else happens?

D

Trying4soblife

Way to go! I hope you do see her again. She does seem to have affected you the right way I hope it buds into a beautiful romance! Congrats!

SteppingItUp

Relationships are an area in which a lot of addicts do have trouble.

I think this is especially true if one is looking for someone else, or something else external, to fix us, or to change the way we feel inside.

I know you've been clean for a few years. Have you done work specifically on your recovery, and do you keep up these practices on a daily basis? I know recovery for me has come to mean a lot of change, a lot of work (including fair times of discomfort) and a lot of growth, and the journey never ends.

Some get help through therapy or relationship focused fellowships, of which there are several.

Perhaps one of those might interest you?


Best wishes on your journey,

SIU

Ggeo

Fantastic and inspiring post. Period.