ayou0329

Hi all,
I am working with a person who is currently working on their 4th step and he needs help with resentments that I am just struggling with.

His wife is very argumentative and the two of them get into a fight over the smallest things quite often. I've coached him on accepting her for who she is, that he will never be able to change her. We've also talked about if he is disturbed by her, then what is going on inside of him.

He is just not getting it. He feels she is MAKING him resent her, that getting into the argument is natural and when she is 100% wrong about an issue, that is his job to do that.

I've been unsuccessful in enlarging his perspective that perhaps his resentmetns are more about himself than her.

Any advice?

Thanks,
Ayou

RandyNose

I've always been told that if you're stuck on a step, you need to go back and re-work the steps prior to the one you're stuck on.

CarolD

Welcoem to sR...

I'd refer your sponsee to page 552 on how to deal with resentments
then step away and see how that works out for him

After all it's not your 4th Step...it's his..

DayTrader

Unfortunately, you can't make someone see something they aren't able to see.....or aren't willing to look at. That same sort of stuff plagued me in my first several years - defiance and self reliance telling me I was OK doing whatever I was doing and that I didn't NEED to look deeper.

Admittedly, some of that stuff I wasn't ready to see till later.

The ppl who were working with me just kept me moving.....had me read some "outside AA" books to help me gain some new perspectives, and kept me moving in the steps in spite of not being able to see everything they probably thought I should see at the time.

That's one of the things I try to remember with my own guys......their spiritual awakening is between them and God. It's not up to me how it will go for them. I try to focus on keeping them in the work and then, when they hit 12....it's right back to 1 again....

-wash - rinse - repeat.

The more we "practice" something the better we get at it.

ayou0329

-wash -rinse -repeat

I love it! thanks for all the great advice. I do need to step back - this is his recovery, not mine.

Appreciate it!

DayTrader

......or LACK of recovery, yanno?

I have a hard time "letting" ppl I know or care about make mistakes in my presence (LOL, lord.....does that sound conceited to type out.....lol). Ya know, why wouldn't I just MAKE them do the right thing - especially when it's soooooo obvious to me???

I try to remember (and I forget it a lot) that it was all my falling down that taught me how to walk correctly.....that it was the mistakes I've made in my life that I really learned from rather than the successes...... I try to remember to be humble enough to give advice when it's necessary or asked for but to ultimately let my sponsees (and the other ppl in my life) live their own lives. It's not my duty to straighten up the entire world around me (although, sometimes.....that seems an easier task than straightening MYSELF up - hahaha).

A wise lady in the program told me early on......and it took a while before it even made sense to me........
"Don't be so arrogant so as to deny someone the suffering they choose to endure."

twilli59

Having just done this step as well as I could - for the first time - I found that really understanding that the resentment is not always about the event - we have been wrong, others have been wrong - following the big book instructions - its about what I do with that wrong - fancied or real - that was done to me. Some people want to hold on to a resentment - they may have to do that. That may be part of the journey that either spurs him on, becomes irrelevent, or stunts his recovery. My sponsor couldn't force me to do things until I wanted to - he could only share HIS experience and how he overcame it. Good luck!