losing it losing it losing it losing it losing it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: land of sunshine and pill mills
Posts: 272
losing it losing it losing it losing it losing it
my ex bf came over. I looked at him and all I saw was one big pill.
He asked me for money - duh - NO. Asked if he could use me and my kids to ask for aid - duh NO.
And I begged for a pill. Begged. But he said had none on him (what a lie that was) and couldn't give me one anyway and what is my problem? Just think how great I am and get over it!
in fact, He said if I'm so low then ask my gyn today for some vicodin to ease the pain.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME????????????????????????????????
THE LAST THING I NEED IS AN OPIATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then he put me down....blah blah blah...our friend quit for 6 months and what have you done? A month? What the f**k is your problem?
YES BUT HE NEVER STAYED OFF OF THEM.
I can't go back. I know it. I'm hitting the bottom here,. Hitting it quick.
I am so weak. I am such a codie. I was a blubbering mess. all my friends have said i change to a complete victim around him. I guess I do. I'm so ashamed. I'm so ASHAMED. I told him he could sell his pills and I'd go back to the dr. knowing full well i can't. i can't i can't i can't.
even he said 'you can't' but god knows he thought about it for a minute.
I am so tired of slumming. I'm sorry if that's offensive but I am. I can't be around him at all.
but when I feel his arms around me, when I smell incense and marlboro's on his shirt, when he talks to me, I fall apart.
I said it before. He will be as hard to kick as the oxy.
I'm a sobbing mess. And this was a good day. Dishes, laundry, hot meals with linens for my kids, make up and jewelry. Opened all my bills!!!! Seeing my dr. today to check on my ovarian cyst. Taking care of ME. And then he shows up.
and I'm obliterated.
and yet....he called me on his way back to work. I was crying. I told him that he had to take care of his stuff and I have to take care of mine and that's that.
I've booked up my weekend with positive, clean people and meetings and i can't go back...
to him or the oxy.
jesus....can you imagine me just 'get some vicodin to take the edge off'.....
dear god.
dear Carl.
help me.
I can't have any contact with him at all.
I have to stay strong.
I must stay strong.
I was sobbing to him on the phone that when I look at him now I no longer see him I just see a big blue pill - which he thought was hysterical until he realized I was serious.
I told him i can't go withdrawals again. I know I can't. I'll kill myself.
BUT I MISS MY MAGIC PILLS - I MISS MY OXY'S SO FREAKIN MUCH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE PAIN IS TOO MUCH AND I WANT IT TO GO THE FREAK AWAY!
just go away. melt away.
But I can't.
i can't.
god help me i can't.
Talk about a trigger. Next time I'll know better. No more contact with the ex.
lesson learned.
I'm exhausted. And the fix is so close but I can't. It's nothing but a grave in a bottle.
That's right. My grave in a bottle. And Momma ain't goin' just yet folks.
now I'm MAD. now i'm ANGRY.
i dont' even know what else to type. I have no one to call who understands.
thank you for listening and being here.
Thank the Universe I didn't.
He asked me for money - duh - NO. Asked if he could use me and my kids to ask for aid - duh NO.
And I begged for a pill. Begged. But he said had none on him (what a lie that was) and couldn't give me one anyway and what is my problem? Just think how great I am and get over it!
in fact, He said if I'm so low then ask my gyn today for some vicodin to ease the pain.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME????????????????????????????????
THE LAST THING I NEED IS AN OPIATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then he put me down....blah blah blah...our friend quit for 6 months and what have you done? A month? What the f**k is your problem?
YES BUT HE NEVER STAYED OFF OF THEM.
I can't go back. I know it. I'm hitting the bottom here,. Hitting it quick.
I am so weak. I am such a codie. I was a blubbering mess. all my friends have said i change to a complete victim around him. I guess I do. I'm so ashamed. I'm so ASHAMED. I told him he could sell his pills and I'd go back to the dr. knowing full well i can't. i can't i can't i can't.
even he said 'you can't' but god knows he thought about it for a minute.
I am so tired of slumming. I'm sorry if that's offensive but I am. I can't be around him at all.
but when I feel his arms around me, when I smell incense and marlboro's on his shirt, when he talks to me, I fall apart.
I said it before. He will be as hard to kick as the oxy.
I'm a sobbing mess. And this was a good day. Dishes, laundry, hot meals with linens for my kids, make up and jewelry. Opened all my bills!!!! Seeing my dr. today to check on my ovarian cyst. Taking care of ME. And then he shows up.
and I'm obliterated.
and yet....he called me on his way back to work. I was crying. I told him that he had to take care of his stuff and I have to take care of mine and that's that.
I've booked up my weekend with positive, clean people and meetings and i can't go back...
to him or the oxy.
jesus....can you imagine me just 'get some vicodin to take the edge off'.....
dear god.
dear Carl.
help me.
I can't have any contact with him at all.
I have to stay strong.
I must stay strong.
I was sobbing to him on the phone that when I look at him now I no longer see him I just see a big blue pill - which he thought was hysterical until he realized I was serious.
I told him i can't go withdrawals again. I know I can't. I'll kill myself.
BUT I MISS MY MAGIC PILLS - I MISS MY OXY'S SO FREAKIN MUCH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE PAIN IS TOO MUCH AND I WANT IT TO GO THE FREAK AWAY!
just go away. melt away.
But I can't.
i can't.
god help me i can't.
Talk about a trigger. Next time I'll know better. No more contact with the ex.
lesson learned.
I'm exhausted. And the fix is so close but I can't. It's nothing but a grave in a bottle.
That's right. My grave in a bottle. And Momma ain't goin' just yet folks.
now I'm MAD. now i'm ANGRY.
i dont' even know what else to type. I have no one to call who understands.
thank you for listening and being here.
Thank the Universe I didn't.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 40
You can do this!!!!! You ALMOST cracked but DIDN'T. So, be proud of yourself that you didn't instead of mad/sad that you wanted to. Of course you wanted to-you're an addict, you have a disease. I'm glad he didn't give you any, for whatever reason. There will be times it will be tempting and we both know that, but we just got to push through those hard times knowing that we deserve that.
How many days clean are you? I am almost a week oxy free and I think about them all day long. I wish I had some right now. But, I keep telling myself to push through this for a lifetime of happiness and my family's happiness. Let's think of what we are giving up by quitting...hmmmm....saving money, prolonging life by not destroying the body, being free to enjoy family and friends, no more ups and downs of using and WDs, no more of the love-to-use-but-hate-myself-when-i-do....
I'm glad you didn't get anything....
How many days clean are you? I am almost a week oxy free and I think about them all day long. I wish I had some right now. But, I keep telling myself to push through this for a lifetime of happiness and my family's happiness. Let's think of what we are giving up by quitting...hmmmm....saving money, prolonging life by not destroying the body, being free to enjoy family and friends, no more ups and downs of using and WDs, no more of the love-to-use-but-hate-myself-when-i-do....
I'm glad you didn't get anything....
Finally Honest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 301
Nvra,
I suggest that you get yourself to an aa/na meeting. If you haven't yet I suggest you give it some serious thought. There you will find people(in person) who understand and who will be there to help you. I praying for you. Stay strong, ditch the ex nothing but a trigger and trouble.
I suggest that you get yourself to an aa/na meeting. If you haven't yet I suggest you give it some serious thought. There you will find people(in person) who understand and who will be there to help you. I praying for you. Stay strong, ditch the ex nothing but a trigger and trouble.
Insane Asylum Director
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hiding insanity in-sanity
Posts: 77
NVR,
The strength it took you to get this far will be the strength you turn too in times like these.
If you truly are hurting, don't go back to what you are trying to recover from. It will only make you feel worse in the end.
Our lives are filled with pain, there is no way around that except to adapt to it. That is no easy task but with the help of others, it becomes a little easier.
Don't go back to the way things were. You must try and muster up the courage to carry on without those pills.
In my case, I have chronic pain. I hurt all the time, nearly and it's hard to stop that. I'm in treatment though. Don't put yourself through this agony. You are better than the pills.
Regards,
Malcolm
The strength it took you to get this far will be the strength you turn too in times like these.
If you truly are hurting, don't go back to what you are trying to recover from. It will only make you feel worse in the end.
Our lives are filled with pain, there is no way around that except to adapt to it. That is no easy task but with the help of others, it becomes a little easier.
Don't go back to the way things were. You must try and muster up the courage to carry on without those pills.
In my case, I have chronic pain. I hurt all the time, nearly and it's hard to stop that. I'm in treatment though. Don't put yourself through this agony. You are better than the pills.
Regards,
Malcolm
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 85
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: land of sunshine and pill mills
Posts: 272
Originally Posted by MySecretLove 
I just keep watching this and crying.
there's nothing left of me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by Wantingit
Nvra,
I suggest that you get yourself to an aa/na meeting. If you haven't yet I suggest you give it some serious thought. There you will find people(in person) who understand and who will be there to help you. I praying for you. Stay strong, ditch the ex nothing but a trigger and trouble.
I suggest that you get yourself to an aa/na meeting. If you haven't yet I suggest you give it some serious thought. There you will find people(in person) who understand and who will be there to help you. I praying for you. Stay strong, ditch the ex nothing but a trigger and trouble.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: land of sunshine and pill mills
Posts: 272
taking my update to the Kicking the Ox thread....
I'm here. I'm awake and I'm CLEAN.
Thank Carl.
Thank the Universe.
(PS - some really great news so you may want to check it out
I'm here. I'm awake and I'm CLEAN.
Thank Carl.
Thank the Universe.
(PS - some really great news so you may want to check it out
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
If you can get thru a bad craving one time and not use it's powerful. It is human to want to ease suffering and that feeling that you're about to bust, explode, and every muscle is tense is hard but it can be got thru, as someone said here breathe thru it. Find a meditation or yoga class that helps you breathe really relax thru the pain. Addiction is a bee, last night I was feeling bad and for some reason I went to youtube and was looking at Amy Winehouse.. then I wound up in Vancouver Canada watching a documentary on addicts living on the street, and the cruel life that they live. I want none of that, I want a life that is beyond that and if I go back down the rabbit hole that's where I'd be. Hugs it gets better with time... time heals. This will be a bad episode down the road. Just a memory.
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