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A Nurse in Recovery

Old 07-26-2011, 09:20 PM
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A Nurse in Recovery

Hi everyone! I'm new to this thread and relatively new to recovery but found a lot of invaluable resources and information here and would like to also share my story.

I am a nurse, and became addicted to narcotics because of the easy access I had to them in my profession. I worked in an area where removing, dispensing and wasting LARGE quantities of narcotics was expected and never questioned. It was easy (and free!) for me to obtain "wasted" drugs and never call attention to myself or my behaviors. I thought it was risk-free fun! It never, ever occurred to me that I would become an addict, or how far I would fall. It did not take long for me to begin using IV drugs. I got sloppy and didn't even attempt to cover my tracks anymore. I couldn't take enough drugs during a 12 hour shift to satisfy me. My job performance, social life, relationships all suffered. EVERY aspect of my life came second to using, even giving good, safe patient care. For this I feel MOST guilty.

I was eventually confronted and after a period of denial, accepted my condition as an addict and sought treatment. At first my motivation was simply to appease the board of nursing in order to maintain my license, but soon realized this was not enough to keep someone sober. Since then, I have come to terms with my need for true, long-term recovery. I have found happiness and peace in my recovery so far. I look forward to everything this journey has to offer me. So far I have found incredible support and friendship within this community- something lacking within my own profession (you would think nurses would understand the disease of addiction and empathize, but the opposite is true!)

When I was enduring withdrawals and experiencing the loneliness of suffering my addiction alone, I often thought that i would NEVER feel normal, happy, or truly alive again. Reading forums like these, knowing that others had endured it and found happier days on the other side of their addiction, truly got me through those times. Now I'm here, at that happier place I thought I'd never reach, and I am SO GRATEFUL.

My addiction is powerful- it will always want me to use. But I hope and pray that I NEVER forget what those days felt like- physically, emotionally, spiritually. I do not want to go back to that place. No high ever felt as good as my lowest points felt bad. Like many people, I started (and kept) using because I felt incredible energy, pep, relief of depression, relief of social anxiety, increased ability to perform in every way. It made me feel great (at first.) It tricked me into believing that using just the right amount made me BETTER- a better nurse, a better student, a better friend, better organized, etc. What I failed to acknowledge was the valleys following those peaks made me WORSE. Made me feel so incredibly low that I tried to avoid those valleys altogether, to live my life in one giant peak of constantly being high. And of course, I self destructed from there.

I felt (and still feel) incredible guilt and shame for my addiction, and the harm I caused or could have potentially caused to those around me. I strive to achieve serenity and forgiveness within myself, and I can more easily achieve that by committing myself 100% to my recovery. I cannot change my past behaviors but I DO control my present and my future.

I am severely restricted in my nursing practice and required to jump through incredible hoops to prove myself as a capable and competent nurse so as not to lose my license, but I am extremely grateful that i at least have that opportunity. I have to remind myself that although sobriety requires a lot of time and effort, I probably put TWICE as much time and effort into maintaining and hiding my addiction. I'm relieved I don't have to carry that burden anymore.
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Old 07-26-2011, 10:09 PM
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Welcome to SR, Recover
Good to have you with us!

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Old 07-26-2011, 10:15 PM
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Welcome. I am so glad you are here.
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Old 07-27-2011, 07:55 AM
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Congratulations on all you have accomplished so far!! How long have you been clean for? I am also a nurse and in recovery and I can completely agree with you that most of the nurses I have encountered are not sympathetic, just judgmental, which is unfortunate. I am currently working in a place where I have access to drugs also and I have been off for a few days and I am extremely nervous about returning to work. I am worried I will do something unethical....
I am only 5 days clean (which I have done a billion times) but I have made some major changes to help ensure the success of my sobriety. My only concern now is work. After my NA meeting this afternoon, I plan to look around for a different job with little to no access as I fear the worst could happen....
Any advice for me?
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:23 AM
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nurse here too. I don't know about you but that alone made me feel so stupid because good god almighty I should have known better.

But it made everything ok....until it didn't.

I respect and admire you for getting the help you need and wanting to change.

Peace and blessings to you.

I often feel I don't have much support to give or much to say because I only have 34 days clean but I'm here and I do understand feeling that stigma of knowing that you knew better but didn't stop.

Please let us know how you are.

Thank you Carl.

Thank the Universe. Clean at home today.
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:31 AM
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Welcome RecoverRN! Thank you for sharing your story. Moving on from addiction IS possible and your a fine example!



Best Wishes To You!
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:57 AM
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I am a nurse too. I pretty much have the same story as you except I was confronted early on but still went through cold turkey terrible withdrawls on my own. Went through treatment and am almost to 7 months sober. My license is currently suspended and am jumping through the same hoops to hopefully get it back in about a year.

I was a good nurse too but man did I like that drug after the first time of using it. It became an obsession with me. Searching, sneeking, using, learning, watching....an everyday cycle.

Now I go to meetings and try everyday to stay away from the crap that fills my head. I am cleaning up my life and back to being a happier person than I was 8 months ago.
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:01 AM
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I could never be a nurse. I know that I would fall into that kind of black hole myself.

I believe addiction is much much more than physical thing. It's mental ability to deal with life and suffering.
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:26 AM
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I am overwhelmed and overjoyed to see other nurses here, sharing my struggle. I have learned that I am not alone in my addiction, but sometimes I feel very alone in my recovery as a NURSE. As NVRAGAIN3PCT mentioned, a lot of my guilt and shame stems from feeling that I should have known better. I am also hurt by the realization that I myself was at one point guilty of judging others (patients, colleagues, humans) for their addictions- even while I MYSELF WAS ADDICTED. How could I be so self righteous?!

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your support. I means so very much to me. And thank you for your recovery, for that means a lot to me, too. I'm still learning much about this process but one large aspect that's helped me a great deal is being accountable. I still have SO much work to do, but what kept me sick in my addiction was being so alone, refusing to seek, look for or ask for help. My God, was that difficult. Once I resigned myself to it, I feel freer and even less ashamed.

Originally when I stopped using on my own, I did not ask for help, never admitted a problem, suffered silently and stayed sober for over six months but just barely. I strongly believe that fear, shame and avoidance (of the drug AND the problem) kept me from using, but all of that broke down after about six months. I relapsed but fortunately was not able to get my drugs in anything but very tiny amounts. I had not returned to daily use and did not withdraw when stopped. For that I am grateful. Currently I have 22 days. Not much, but a start.

donewithpills, my biggest suggestion is to get away- even temporarily- from bedside nursing. It was such a huge trigger for me. Despite my desire to not use, no matter how much I told myself i wouldn't today, no matter how SICK I was of being so SICK, it was as if my brain and body went on auto-pilot as soon as I walked onto my unit. So use I did, over and over again. I was fortunate to find a GREAT job away from bedside nursing, and I love it. My recommendations for you are to try either psych/substance abuse center, case management (either at hospital or for insurance company), home health (this takes a lot of self-discipline, though!), IV therapy or infection control nurse, hemodialysis nurse. I had ZERO experience in the field I switched to, but my boss took a chance on me and I am loving the challenges and learning experiences!

Good luck, everyone. I am SO happy to be here, sober today, happy.
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:33 AM
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likehappiness, one of the triggers that lead to my brief relapse was exactly what you described- the obsession of my use. Someone on another thread yesterday mentioned that breaking their rituals was almost more difficult than not using- I AGREE! After six months, my cravings to use were literally NIL. It never crossed my mind anymore (never thought I'd see the day!) But when I allowed myself time, when I found myself in those familiar spaces and places... I found I didn't quite know what to do. I'd start my shift every morning at 7am with a search for my drug- how would i get it, where would i get it, how could I hide it, gathering my "supplies" for use, ducking into the bathroom, etc etc. Where most nurses were taking their breakfast/coffee breaks, I was taking my drug break. Except eventually I was taking these "breaks" every 3-4 hours, and hardly working in between. It literally became an obsession, hunting down what I wanted, learning the best way to use, the drugs I liked most, the combinations that I enjoyed, evaluating my results and adjusting my usage accordingly. Such SICK behavior! I had NO IDEA how much time of my day using or trying to use consumed. I found that once i stopped using, i could finish my 12 hour work day in less than 8 (because i had become used to speeding through my work so that I could use enough during the day but still have impeccable charting and complete all my tasks.) So I suppose I let myself get bored. Complacent. Allowed those voids that used to be filled with using to creep back into my life. I now know to NOT allow this to happen again. When I have that void, that extra down time, that lack of purpose, I will go to a meeting, a message board, call my advocate or my counselor, even take a bath or read a book. I have to. My sobriety completely depends on it.
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:35 AM
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RN - amazing isn't it? I would swear that I couldn't be on the floor for a 12 hour shift without my 'medicine'.

oh yea - here I am trying to repair my broken self esteem with my new career and I'm nursing patients, some addicts, AND I'M POPPING OXY'S AND SOMAS LIKE TIC TACS!

Oh yes - I loved watching my combinations, how they felt, what 'worked', going up on diet pills and going down on my oxy's...all of it. yes, that was me! So much in common. Scary.

That first day at the dr's office I knew better. I damn well knew it. But.....the physical and emotional pain seemed to slip away....at first. Ahhh yes - the oxy lie. And does it lie. The best advice I got from my shrink was to stop looking at everything emotionally and take a clinical standpoint. That alone has helped because I am, by my own and every one else's opinion too emotional. So I 'nurse' myself and watch my withdrawal and PAWS.

oh yes....I was such the good nursie....the best on the floor....and now look at me. I'm not working. I want to go back to school but that scares me too.

Dump the guilt and shame because addiction doesn't care of you know better! And I've seen it impede the progress of many an addict. That shame guilt round a bout is insanity too. Dump it.

I'm so glad to see other medical folks here too. I don't want to say it's special...but it's different when YOU HAD THE KNOWLEDGE BUT SCREWED YOURSELF ANYWAY!

keep coming back. you are an inspiration.

34 days and moving forward.

Peace and blessings to you.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you Carl.

Thank the Universe.
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:56 AM
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Thank you!! I agree- we are not "special" in the true sense of the word, as we are addicts and humans the same as everyone else here. But there is a special bond and I feel a great connectedness to other nurses in recovery (why are we so hard to find? I know there must be so many of us!) And yes, one of the reasons for that is it helps me to stop beating myself up so much for my behaviors because I know it has happened to others!

Part of our guilt/shame comes from the stigma society (and especially other health care workers!) place on addiction. Why do we believe such antiquated falsehoods? Part of it comes from being DRILLED into our heads that "nurses are held to a higher standard." This statement is and should be true, but it creates an immense amount of pressure to succeed and guilt upon failure. We are our own worst critics anyway, aren't we? The judgement of others does nothing to aid me in my sobriety, and when I begin to feel guilt or shame I remind myself of that. Accepting and trying to forgive myself has been very liberating for me. I have LOTS of work to go, but I feel like i am at least able to BREATHE now. I am not suffocated and crippled by my disease and my shame. I am strong and capable and strive for success, one small step at a time. That feels good!
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Old 07-27-2011, 11:01 AM
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(((Recover))) - I think you'll find quite a few nurses here. I was also an RN, who did the same thing, but I decided to quit the opiates, and not deal with underlying codie issues. Hooked up with a guy from my meeting that introduced me to crack and THAT's what brought me to my knees.

I have given up the profession of nursing, though most here have, or are, going through the hoops. I couldn't afford rehab, much less the other things that the BON (board of nursing) requires, monetarily, so am working on a degree in HIT, while working in fast food and 1-2 other jobs.

I'm okay with my decision, but truly admire those of you who have managed the "hoops" and gotten into recovery. I don't know what my future holds for me, but I'm pretty sure that I'll find my niche, get back into healthcare then volunteer somewhere where I can help people.

I've got over 4 years in recovery, beat myself up for quite a bit of that time, until I finally realized, in my head, heart, and gut that I'm not the same person, that my using years were but a chapter in the book of my life, and it's okay to close that chapter and move on to another.

I know my story isn't like the other recovering nurses, but it is what it is, and I'm finally at peace with me....something I haven't been for a long, long time.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 07-27-2011, 11:18 AM
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Surprises me how cold other nurses can be. I was never buzzed at work but I was however hungover and shakey . I am lucky I didn't hurt anyone. It would probably surprise you how many nurses have addictions to one thing or another. It is a stressful job.
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Old 07-27-2011, 11:41 AM
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Impurrfect Boy, we nurses sure make good codies, don't we? We just think we can fix EVVVVVERYTHING. Meanwhile are completely oblivious to our own self destruction.

Please don't admire me (us) who are jumping through these hoops... I feel very strongly that it is just mercy and luck that allowed me the opportunity. I have heard stories of SO many nurses who didn't have the chance. When I was at the height of my addiction (after getting caught, denying and subsequently fired,) I would NOT have been able to abide by and comply with the BON regulations. I was fortunate enough to get my $**t straight long enough to get a job, get insurance and THEN get the actual rehab, therapy and care I needed. If I had been forced to do so at the time I truly SHOULD have, it would have resulted in me surrendering my license as I would not have been able to afford or perform all of their incredible demands. I feel so incredibly lucky and grateful that the opportunity came when it did, and I am able to save myself AND my career. It could have been much, much worse for me.

Your calling is to help others, and once you've helped yourself get to a healthy and secure place, you will find that niche for yourself again- with or without your nursing license. There are SO many things you can do in many different fields that will allow you to share your gift and touch the lives of others.

Every single story I read here makes me say, "there but for the grace of god go I..." Which is a phrase I strangely have never used before in my life. It means a great deal to me now, because I KNOW that my bottom could have been anyone else's bottom. If someone had offered me crack, heroin, meth (pick your poison!) at the height of my addiction or early fragile recovery, you bet your butt I would have used it! Ooooh, boy, I FANTASIZED that someone would just offer me something to take that pain, depression, shame away. It didn't happen, and again I am grateful. I feel stronger and more capable now. I feel more in control of my life and know that I am sick and must treat that disease for the rest of my life. I am dedicated.

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for inspiring me and others.
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Old 07-27-2011, 05:58 PM
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Well I did it the hard way, I decided to give up the license as I had no support at the time to go thru rehab or to meet with the BON. The whole thing made me nauseated with fear. I did nothing for 3 years then I decided to fix it. I called the BON and got into my states Program of recovery for nurses. I had to prove 2 years of sobriety before the BON would return my license and I am about 1 month shy of 3 years clean now. I had to get off the Inspector General list that barred me from working in medicare. I am about to get back into bedside nursing at the hospital that originally fired me and this whole thing has taken a toll but I've learned alot about myself in this journey. I am not defined by my profession. I just happen to be an RN that's not my whole identity. I'm okay with me and the majority of the shame I've worked thru. It just takes time to deal with all these issues. I don't know how supportive the staff will be with me, this isn't the same floor I worked on, but I'm on narcotic restrictions for at least the next 6 months if not 12 months.

I recommend getting treatment to allievate the low self esteem, working off in home health or areas that aren't supervised is dangerous. We need lots of eyes on us even if it is uncomfortable to be monitored. Getting plenty of rest, guarding against tired and hungry and taking care of us..... and leaving what we can't change or control to someone else to fix will bring us the best results. I swear I don't want to be caught up in any politics at work, just happy to be me, me care taking is a huge job.

You guys can do it, if you want something bad enough it is doable and your HP will help you thru all your fears. Hugs to everyone that's been in this pain, it's really the hardest thing I've ever been thru. There is light though thru this trip not just at the end.
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Old 07-27-2011, 07:36 PM
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meditation, Thank you for sharing! Three years- that is so incredible! You are awesome. I was talking with my counselor tonight, as well as some other recovering nurses in my group therapy, and something suddenly dawned on me. Long-term recovery, and particular nurses in recovery, is like a club that I can not WAIT to join. I'm still so new to it all and not naive enough to think I've even begun to deal with the challenges recovery will give me, but I can honestly say that I can't wait to use to skills I've learned to conquer the things that come my way, and maybe one day be able to feel like i've actually achieved enough to join that cool kid's club. I can't wait to not feel scared, tired, frazzled, anxious, ashamed all/most of the time. I know that I need to practice patience (oh, but my addict brain wants instant gratification!) and work my program until I can achieve these things in time.
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Old 07-27-2011, 10:17 PM
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I basically blindsided all of my co-workers and my family because of my use. When I was finally confronted they weren't even sure I was using except I flat out told them I wouldn't pass a drug test.

I was working on one of the hardest paced floors at the hospital and used mostly just to keep me going nights. I had a love / hate relationship with my job and for most of those 8 years I specialized in hospice. My depression at the end is what really sent me over the edge. Two weeks before I got caught I asked my supervisor to please not give me any hospice patients cause I needed a break. That week I had 5 consecutive deaths. Needless to say I had alot of resentment and I was willing to take care of other people but not take care of myself.

I now have a year to get my stuff together and hope I will be able to find another job in nursing while on probation. There are alot of people in the medical field that are not forgiving...so time will tell.
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Old 07-27-2011, 11:04 PM
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I think I was a bit surprised that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be to find a job. Most people were willing to hire, it is the narcotic restrictions that seem to be the block to getting work. I had to turn down jobs that were offered due to being the only RN in the unit or the last one was being on the narcotic restrictions. The job I finally found is a step down cardiac unit and the nurse manager believes in 2nd chances. We fight our own perceptions about what it's going to be like to find work. It won't be as bad as you think even in this crappy economy.
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Old 07-28-2011, 09:59 AM
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I think that many people believe that because we are nurses and we care for other people as a living, that addiction cannot occur-WRONG. I also think that because the public, in general, hold those in the medical profession to a higher standard (and b/c we are licensed), we are more likely to be chastised for our actions, which just makes us less likely to admit we have a problem. I haven't gotten caught doing anything at work and noone at work knows about my addiction. I plan to keep it that way. However, I am looking for a different job with less access to things because temptations are too great for me at this time in my recovery.
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