nandm

I absolutely hate having mental health diseases.

Not only do people not understand they tend to think we should just "pick ourselves up by our bootstraps", "try harder", "think positive", etc.... Someone who has not experienced the devastation that these disease cause not only for the person experiencing them but for their families as well, can not even comprehend that it isn't about will power or caring enough to change, it is about needing help.

I hate how my disease has affected not only myself, putting me in the position of having to give up a 20 year professional career, hating myself and what this has done to me, feeling worthless too often, losing those that I hold dear to me. I hate how this disease has destroyed my relationship with my partner of 10 years. She has watched me take a steady decline over the past years and has stood by me through it all. The problem is that even though I know she loves me I also know she does not love and respect me the way she did before this devastated our lives. She can not fully understand what has happened to me any more than I can. We have gone from a loving, intimate, passionate relationship to basically a roommate, friendship relationship because of this disease. I know she has lost love and respect for me because of it. I still adore her the way I did when we first met and it is killing me knowing that I have destroyed that love. A part of me wishes I would just die and get it over with and another wants to believe I can somehow make things better if I could only find a way to get better. Some days I am so tired it is easier to feel like just giving up, that there is no point in it as it is hopeless. Today is one of those days.

How did I go from a fully functioning person to someone who struggles to get out of bed in the morning and too often can not remember to shower? Just the simple life no brainer things overwhelm me. Something as simple as someone sitting in the seat I normally sit in at an AA meeting can throw me for a loop. Last night I nearly left the meeting I regularly attend because someone took my seat. The reason I sit there is because I feel safer there, it is by the door and I don't feel smothered by people being on top of me. I was so freaked out about it that even a klonopin did not help. I spent the whole evening digging my fingernails into my arms and hands to try and not run from the room. My hands are bruised today and there are spots where I broke through the skin and were bleeding last night. I HATE being like this.

I have made a decision to not let my partner know anymore how I feel and just try to make her believe I am getting better. I will not talk to her anymore about feeling down, feeling bad, feeling anxious, etc... anymore. I can put on the same face I do for other people and just pretend the world is right no matter how much it is crashing down inside of me. It might be the only thing that saves my relationship. I just don't know what else to do. I know she wants to be supportive but how much can I expect of one person? I know she loves me but I don't want that love I want to be loved the way she loved me the first few years of our relationship before I got so sick. I don't want a friendship, feeling bad for someone love.

Maybe stopping my meds would help. At least before the mood stabilizers I was able to go manic where I had energy, felt good, could achieve anything, was positive, etc... instead of what I have now which is just sleep problems and increased anxiety in a mania. I still have the depressed states so why should I not get the benefits of the up phase? I have an appointment with my prescribing doc soon I am going to talk to him about this.

I am just so tired of this fight I don't know if there is any win in this war just devastation.......

Opivotal

I'm so sorry nandm. Wish I had an answer for you. Just keep trying your best and hang on. We don't know what tomorrow brings. I will keep you in my prayers. Your post touched my heart strings, I just wanted to let you know. I hate this for you!

:ghug3


Best Wishes To You!

recoverywfaith

Nandm...all my prayers for peace.

IO Storm

Oh, dear Nandm...your post moved me to tears. I've been through this, and, although
I am better now, I too have toyed with the idea of stopping meds. I just want to be normal! But, there is no such thing as normal. There really isn't....every single person on this planet has some type of problem, whether they show it, or talk about it. When the depression gets hold of me, and I start thinking "Why me?", something tells me..."why not you?" Just by sharing your struggle has helped someone today...me! It is so good to know I am not alone in this thing. You have my prayers today. Take care of you, and thanks for sharing from your heart.

Big hugs))))))))

nandm

What this truly feels like is what it felt like at the end of my drinking when I finally realized that my drinking was killing not only me but those that loved and cared about me. I feel that mental illness is doing the same thing, destroying relationships, hurting others, destroying me, etc.... I just don't know for sure what the solution is. At least with drinking there was an answer, quitting drinking. But with mental illness there is not the option of quitting mental illness......so where does one go from here? This has been a battle that has gone on the majority of my life and has become significantly worse in sobriety and over the past almost 6 years. When treatment is failing over and over again one has to wonder is there a treatment that will bring me back to or close to what I was before this disease got so bad?

Bamboozle

It's good that you're going to talk to your doc.

I hear you on the annoyance of 'pick yourself up by your bootstraps'. People don't get it. And because they don't, because it doesn't affect their minds...most of them don't care.

I wish I could help you and everyone who has to deal with this.

I know it's cliche, but you aren't alone--there are many of us who understand and are on a similar journey. The reason I keep trying (and I hope I keep trying), living, and going through the motions is because I have to believe it's going to get better. So many people who have been there, who get it, keep telling me to keep trying. 'Keep trying' is the only option I have left on the table.

I don't know if it will help you, but I find this helps some: I tell myself, 'This is not me. This is my illness. I am not my illness.' It doesn't cure, but 'protesting' my state of mind is something that makes me feel just a little better. Putting up a bit of a fight gives me a little more strength to keep trying.


Take good care of yourself, nandm.

CarolD

I wish I had answers for y'all all I can offer are :hug and prayers for your peace.

Nan..I don't think it's unusal for couples who have been partners for years
to evlolve into caring relationships rather than remaining passionate lovers.

That happened to my parents and grandparents too...Me? I've never been
able to keep anyone around for more than 7 years....

I too have a favorite chair...I want out easily ..and I can look outside from my seat.
I have been known to ask members to let me sit there ...I'm all for comfort...

Seren

Hi Nan, I'm sorry you are so down right now.

I understand about feeling like it's something you will never be able to "quit". I'm an insulin dependent diabetic. I realize it's not the same thing, but it will be with me for the rest of my life (and diabetics are more prone to depression--probably why I've had two bouts of it so far).

I'm glad you are going to talk to your doctor!

Hugs, HG

Impurrfect

(((Namdm))) - I can't.type as much as I'd like,.as.I'm.trying.to.type on my phone (on the way back to GA from NY) and I'm not.really good.at it.

My PTSD is fairly minor,.now..mostly I can't sleep.without some.strong meds, including a.mood.stabilized, but I still have the hyper-vigilence, people telling me I'm over-reacting....dad telling me "just go to sleep" when we've been on the road for 32 hours and I can't take my meds AND make sure he's not falling asleep on the road

I've been a code since birth, not the way I was raised, turned into an addict and lost the nursing career that defined me, and still struggle with "am I EVER going to be okay with me? Am I ever going to find a man who lobes me who's not an A?" among other questions.

I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you it will all ne better, but I can't. I can tell you I care, I'm here if you want to talk, and I understand as much as I can.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

dsmaxis10

Wow I aplied for disabilty 4 months ago still waiting for an answer. Im bipolar 1 with pschosis but I was diagnos with depression when I was 12. I sat in the same seat at AA for two years because I felt comfortable. I hate it to. Alcholism a wave mental illness is a sunami. Acholism youll slowly lose things mental illness episode ya can lose it all in a day. I go to AA but if I say I"m the manic depressive type to which they could write a hole chapter but didnt. I soonly confronted with stigma. I dont want to say names lets just call the meetings a pscyward with the doors open, they put pressure on me to quit my meds and I did. Now I was taking meds an workin I did this an it made me disabled bad episode. I just want to say quit taking your meds is not a good idea. Its cost me 2 years an counting. And after this happened you think the people who told me to quit would say there sorry no they said I had no faith. GOD has plans for them, plans I like!!!

kiki5711

I'm into daily routine also. Every morning I get up and get my coffee and breakfast in the same order. I almost feel like a robot.

This is from years of emotional struggle with life and kids and drinking and everything you can name of the planet, basically life of chaos.

I'm on meds now and it does help. I just want calmness in my head . I cannot handle any more drama. It sets me off into a loop and confusion immediately.

Freedom1990

This is what I've been going through since we can't seem to find the right combo of meds yet. I am grateful for my dogs because they force me to get out of bed in the mornings. They depend on me!

Sending you hugs of support!

nandm

On my way to see the therapist. I am at a point where I see no other option than to speak to her about how far I have gone into planning things. I am just tired of the destruction this has done to those I care about in my life and tired of watching the destruction of me. I don't want to die but I don't want to go on living like this. Hopefully she can give me some insight and help me gain some perspective on dealing with these feelings right now and possibly show me that there is a way out of this, a solution, a hope that things will improve and not continue on this spiral. I pray I will be able to open my mouth and let her know where things really are. It is so much easier to write it here than to speak it.

Thank you all for your insights and encouragement. You have helped.

nandm

Back from appointment. Was able to verbalize most of what I feel. She seems to understand but I know she can not fully understand which is ok because if she did then she would have had to walk in my shoes and I would not wish that on anyone.

Guess it is back to trying baby steps in all this. Breathing techniques and such. I hate feeling like I am back at step one in all this and continually wind up back there the harder I try but I guess that is what it is, a process and one day if I don't quit then maybe I will be able to move further on this path rather than backwards.

I do think she understands how close I am to giving up as she wants to do phone check in's each week and since she knows I fight with picking up or using the phone she is going to call me. She is trying to be helpful and hopefully these things will help in the long run.

She at least acknowledges that I have been struggling with these problems for a multitude of years and it has only become worse rather than better even with therapy and medications. Seems to understand my feelings of giving up trying. She is the first therapist I have had that has even truly acknowledged that this has been a war for me and one I feel like I am losing all too often. Guess if she had been my therapist when I first applied for disability nearly 6 years ago I might have stood a chance of getting it approved right off the bat. But I had people who could not comprehend the depths of my depression although I can not blame them 100% since they only could go on the information I provided which was minimal because of the defense mechanisms I have built up through the years. The pretending like it is all great while falling apart on the inside. Can't disappoint people. Can't let people see that I am hurting because then they would be sad. etc....

Fortunately, being able to write out what I feel here at SR has been useful in the long run as it has helped me to sort things out and be able to put into words what is in my head. It just fails to make sense until I see it in print, it is just a jumble of words I can not seem to get out of my mouth and make any sense at all with. It is also helpful to receive such compassion, empathy, and encouragement that you each give.

Sorry this is so long. Guess I should stop rambling now. Again thank you to each of you for your support and encouragement. It really does mean a lot more than you can realize.

Impurrfect

(((Nandm)))) - I'm glad you got to talk to your therapist and she's as understanding as she can be. I know it's frustrating to go back to baby steps, to want to scream "am I EVER going to get anywhere with all this?!" but having been through it a few times, I do seem to have made progress in some areas.

Again, I'm not going through anything as tough as you are, but still understand a bit and am continuing to send hugs and prayers.

Amy

Dee74

I really have nothing to add but hugs J

D

Freedom1990

It sure helps to have a good therapist, doesn't it? I hit gold when I found my current therapist.

Sending you hugs of support, dear!

dsmaxis10

I went dbsa yesterday I guy shared that hes been hospitalized 25 times for depression. And for the last 1.5 years hes felt great. Not everybody at dbsa is bipolar its for people with a depressive disorder. Anyways he tried every combo of meds on the planet. Maybe he takes massive amount of meds or nothing at all . But thats not the point of the story he said hes not cured it could come back anytime.Thats not the point,the point is to quote Winston Churchhill who was bipolar dont ever ever ever never ever give up. If that quote didnt come from someone without a mental disorder a serious one , Id say take the never and shuv up your bleep. What I get from it is if Im doin my best which could be just handling my suffering with a pestamistic attitude and brushin my teeth and make threw another day with a mental health disease. I know for that day I won a battle I didnt choose to fight. I dont no when this all started for but you won alot of battles by now. And Im sure you can win alot more. Winston Churhill story-a lady called him a worthless drunk and he told her in the morning I"ll be sober and you will still be ugly-

Zencat

((((((nandm)))))) Sending some positive vibes your way.

I know all to well the suffering (challenge) of having major depression. I hated (disliked) being stuck (being challenged to move) where I was making no progress (slow progress).

The above is an little example of how I like to re-frame my thoughts. I think it helps me even if I'm really symptomatic with my depression. I'm not trying to mock or belittle your condition. I'm only trying to help what little I can. Please do take care the best you can.

nandm

Thank you for your input. It is greatly appreciated. I am thankful you feel you are recovered. It is wonderful to know that there are people who have beat this thing.

Unfortunately, I am not just fighting bipolar or depression but also PTSD and chronic anxiety. That complicates things considerably. I also just found out they have changed my bipolar diagnosis from Type II to Type I. This type is more serious and more complicated than Type II unfortunately and makes things even more complicated.

Again I appreciate your input.