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Withdrawls...Again

Old 07-26-2011, 07:45 AM
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Withdrawls...Again

Hello everyone. I am on day four of oxy withdrawls...again. I have gone through this sooo many times I can't even count. I continue to relapse over and over again. My husband has been very supportive but he is essentially at his wits end with me. Physically, I basically feel fine minus headaches, some diarrhea, and of course the insomnia which I am currently using Valium to help with that. My urge to use is SO strong I can barely control myself. Today one of my kids is home sick from summer camp and I am seriously considering going to my doctor to get a refill on my oxy script. I am starting with NA meetings tonight because I realize this is bigger than me and I obviously need help. But the feelings of depression and "blah" are overwhelming. I am an intelligent person, highly educated in the medical field and I realize these feelings will fade with time, but right now they seem to be the only thing on my mind. I wish I never touched a pill in my life as all they have done is destroy me. I decided to post on this site as most of you understand where I am coming from. However, I don't have any chronic pain, I just had a one time surgery and decided I liked the way they made me feel and basically became addicted to them. I use and feel great then withdrawl and basically all I can do for those days is lay on my couch. I hate the cycle yet I continue to do it to myself and it's depressing....
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Old 07-26-2011, 06:34 PM
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Hi DWP,

Welcome to the forum. I've seen some of your posts, and you always have something helpful to say.

I am also in the medical field, and all our training does not seem to make much difference where opiate addiction is concerned. In some ways, it makes our susceptibility worse.

If you've done this before, you know the drill. You know how sick you will feel, and how strong the urge to get more drug is. It is hard to deprive yourself of something you know will make you feel better instantly. But of course, opiate use is non sustainable over time, and it turns on you before you even know what is happening.

I did start my addiction with orthopedic surgery, but after having become addicted, I totally understand why someone would use opiates recreationally. I have a new view of addiction that I think can only come from have been there.

I hope you find the forum useful. Having 7 months clean, I am no way "home free", but if I can help someone else along the way like I was helped on this forum, that is why I stay and try to irritate everyone else here as much as possible.

FT
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Old 07-27-2011, 07:33 AM
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Failedtaper
Thanks for the encouraging words. I am really trying to do things differently this time. I have deleted all my contacts, changed my phone number, started outpatient counseling, and have just attended my first NA meeting last evening. Of course, everyday is a struggle and it took alot for me to just get out of bed this morning. But, I did it. I haven't read through all of your previous posts. Could you tell me how you became clean? What steps you endured? Your posts and comments are very inspiring to me...
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:01 AM
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Welcome DWP!

DWP-
I can't relate to the oxy addiction specifically as my DOC was different opiates (in the end, they're probably all the same). I stopped in Mid-April and used xanax to alleviate the w/d's. And then I had to carefully taper off of them. I did not have medical supervision.
None of us here on SR is out of the woods. I'm not certain that we ever will be. You went to a meeting and that's a great start - you registered here and that's awesome because you will find an abundance of people with whom you can relate.
I hope you stick around; getting off the meds is tough and, yes, staying off is equally as difficult.
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:07 AM
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Welcome!

I know just how you feel. Except I haven't kicked it more than once.

I'm in the medical field too. I thought I knew better....but 4 surgeries in 2 years plus 3 car accidents and I thought I had found the miracle cure for all my ills.

was that a lie or what?

I'm 34 days clean. At 4 days I'm amazed you can get out of bed to do anything at all. I think at day 4 I was in the depths of hell watching the golf channel and taking hot baths every hour. Twitching, jerking, sneezing (still sneezing!) sweats hot n cold and felt like I had icicles and hot lava in my veins all at the same time. Cold turkey. The only way for me.

And I can't do it twice.

I commend you for getting up and trying again. Keep trying. Just for today hold on.

You are enough. Today is enough.

Just hold on. Just for today.

Blessings to you and peace.

Thank you Carl.

Thank the Universe I am off that lying foking oxy train.
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:48 AM
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NVRAGAIN- How funny to see someone else mention taking frequent hot baths. While I was w/ding I did it so often I'd run out of hot water. I had no idea why or what was driving me, maybe just the need to do SOMETHING. I was miserable. It took me about 2 weeks to even feel capable of functioning outside of my apartment... no, my COUCH. I also was twitchy, irritable, unable to sleep or eat, sneezing, and worst of all, the MALAISE. It was as if every single ounce of energy, motivation or desire was sucked from me. I literally felt SHORT OF BREATH walking from one room to another. I laid on the couch watching TV but not even able to process what I was seeing. It was torture, but I did it... not because I wanted to, even, but because i didn't have a choice. I had no more access to my substance of choice (thankfully!) and knew no ways of obtaining street drugs or even an Rx for myself (also thankfully!) I know for a fact that if I knew how to get it, I would have done whatever I needed to to get what I wanted (luckily, I had no desire to use lower-level controlled substances like norco, xanax, etc. I could have gotten those but I had no purpose for them.)

I used benadryl, imodium and fortunately a few phenergan from an old rx to get me through the worst. I am so grateful I went through that and hope every day that i will never allow myself back to that place. It wa complete despair and hopelessness.

That was in December, and though I have used for a very short time last month, it was brief, small and short-lived, thankfully. 22 days ago I stopped and because my use had not escalated YET to that all-to-familiar point, I did not w/d this time.

Make it through one HOUR at a time. In early recovery, even a day seems insurmountable.
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Old 07-27-2011, 10:38 AM
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lordy the lethargy....

I can totally relate. Just walking made me out of breath. Today I'm exhausted and fighting some routines now that I'm back from vacation.

My boyfriend took care of my kids while I kicked. I told them I had the flu. HE had a stash at my house if you can believe it and I never gave in. I even went BACK to my dr. for a refill to give to my boyfriend and never even opened the bag.

However, I can't at this point put myself into harms way. All of that is in the past and behind me.

I'm just trying to get through one day at a time.

Still love my hot baths. I'm like you - nothing but benadryl and immodium. severe insomnia.

But the lethargy is just beyond what I'm used to. But that's the oxy lie. I used to run 6 miles a day....oxy fixed that. Now I've got to start over.

So glad to see you posting. You are not alone!

Peace and blessings.

Thank you Carl.

Thank the Universe.
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Old 07-27-2011, 11:15 AM
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I have so much admiration for you all.
I was on such a high dosage that it took 18 Months to Gradually cutt down and get free of my Little Monster Ativan.
I was addicted to them for over 20 years.
Heroin and Coke addicts used to feel sorry for me when I attended Meetings.

I have found that all my Pain has come from my Past........... I was Reared by a lovely family but they were addicts.............Alcohol and Tranqualisers.
Its been a long journey......but its been worth ever minute of Suffering.
I have learned so much about feelings.....good and bad.............but ultimately all good,because this is a journey in eternity.
I am cought in a box of space and time.........working for good.
It does not mean that I am perfect.........but im trying to make Progress in doing the HPs will.
I have my moments of feeling terrible Anger towards My HP for all the Past and Present Pain...............but its of little use.
I bring alot of it on my self by not accepting life on lifes terms.
Im attending ACA now for a couple of years..............its program getting to the core of my Problems...The laundry list was my Sign post.Cheers
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Old 07-27-2011, 06:09 PM
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A little bit of my story

Originally Posted by donewithpills View Post
Failedtaper
Thanks for the encouraging words. I am really trying to do things differently this time. I have deleted all my contacts, changed my phone number, started outpatient counseling, and have just attended my first NA meeting last evening. Of course, everyday is a struggle and it took alot for me to just get out of bed this morning. But, I did it. I haven't read through all of your previous posts. Could you tell me how you became clean? What steps you endured? Your posts and comments are very inspiring to me...
Hi DWP,

I had ortho surgery in 2009 (two knee replacements within 3 months of each other) and then a hysterectomy last March. I had become dependent on oxycodone when I suffered internal derangement of the left knee (several torn ligaments) before the surgeries, on top of osteoarthritis which finally led to my becoming the bionic woman.

I spent 2010 trying to get off oxycodone. The hyst didn't help. But I found I really didn't care so much about pain if I could get my drugs. I tried tapering off, at first with physician's guidance, but it only drove my dose higher and higher. In December, my dose was so high that I became seriously frightened I would die in my sleep. I could no longer remember how many pills I had taken the night before without counting them in the morning, but then I counted them all day anyway. I knew I had to stop.

On top of that, I had a clinical conference coming up where I had to perform medical procedures and do math calculations in my head, all while standing up for 3 days straight. I knew I could NOT do that on oxys. So I just quit, cold turkey.

What I didn't anticipate was how sick I was going to get. I was terrified I was going to have a seizure, so I wrote all the hospital ER information down for my husband for which I was sure would be an inevitable call in the middle of the night.

I came here to this forum, scared to death. I had no idea anyone else had done the things I had done, getting addicted like that. It sounds silly now that I've been here for 7 months, but I seriously did not know. I thought addicts were "those people", not me. I also had lied to my husband, who thought I had tapered down to nothing before quitting, and so when I continued to be really BAD sick after 3 days, with the encouragement of another poster here, I told him what I had done.

For me, I had the bottom line where I could not expect to continue using and get on with my life. I couldn't do the cold sweats sickness in the morning any more and still work. For many months, I never intended to quit oxys. I figured I could use them and work. Later, I discovered what I refer to as "the oxy lie". Oxycodone is not a sustainable drug in the long run. Neither are any opiates, except MAYBE in controlled medical supervision for chronic pain, where the doc switches around the opiates and uses adjuvant therapies to manage the dosing, HOPING to avoid addiction.

I found my doses had escalated and were becoming dangerous. I finally had to admit the oxys had to go.

After my husband realized I was going to be sick for a few weeks, which I discovered by coming here, I got shored up by this forum. Other posters (specifically Going2Change and SickButHappy) kept me from caving. Trying to help other people get through withdrawal helped keep me from caving.

So, I would say that I got clean by running myself into a brick wall with oxycodone use, discovering I had no way to continue it, and forcing myself to quit cold turkey. No willpower, here, guys. I just denied myself access so that, no matter how sick I got, I COULD not use. Believe me, if I had any oxycodone lying around in the first couple of months, there is NO WAY I would not have used it.

So, I got clean so I wouldn't die. I got clean so I could work. I got clean because I had to get clean, or face consequences that I couldn't fathom, had no idea what else I could do.

I hear about other people reaching their "bottom". For me, that was mine.

I could go on, but that's the short version!

My posts are always too long here, for the sole purpose of irritating some of the other posters. Ha! Well, so I am verbose. I have been called worse.

FT
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Old 07-28-2011, 10:09 AM
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Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement and for sharing your stories. I have visited the MD, threw away the Valium, and am now just battling this WD on my own. Everyone hates WD. It definitely sucks. However, I am forcing myself out of bed, taking small steps each day toward recovery, and using my NA journal-which has been a big help. I just hate the feelings of despair and sadness and the headaches. The rest I can tolerate, as annoying as the symptoms are. I am determined to quit this time for good though and hearing everyone else's advice and shared similar stories has given me hope for the future that things will be ok....
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Old 07-29-2011, 04:52 AM
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Good for you! What a huge, courageous step you've taken! I've been there, the withdrawals are nothing fun. One thing that truly helped me through those moments of despair was repeatedly telling myself, "I WILL get better, I WILL feel better, I WILL find happiness again, my life WILL be better." And you know what? Today I can say that those things finally feel true. I can remember thinking there is no way I would ever be able to climb out of that hole, what a desperate feeling. I am starting to love myself again, and love my sober life. It was worth every second. You are doing the absolute right thing! In a short while you won't believe how awesome life can really be.
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Old 07-29-2011, 05:18 AM
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YOU ARE DOING GREAT!

Keep it up.

Just keep going. Just hold on.

It does get better.

And soon you will wake and won't even realize that things are different....until you remember the hell you were in. And it's a wonderful motivator.

Being prepared is half the battle so please keep coming back here so we know how you are. Just knowing what was coming helped me to be prepared for it and deal with it without using.

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Old 07-29-2011, 06:53 PM
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Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. Today marks one week clean. It's funny....life goes by soooo fast and normally a week is nothing, but it seems as if this last week has been monumental for me. I am still attending daily NA meetings, and counseling starts next week. I find the NA daily journal to be very helpful and even though I am still feeling crappy, writing in it helps. I swear-what I wouldn't do for a time machine!!
I have gone through withdrawals many times, so I know it will get better. Yet, every time after, I have relapsed. And instead of just saying..."well you used this once, get over it, and keep moving", I instead use the "well screw it, you already messed up, so why not enjoy it?" attitude. I really need to stay on track. Any advice for the future?
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:28 PM
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Hi DWP,

I do think the milestones are danger points. One week, one month, 6 weeks.... 3 months, 6 months.

The thing that totally killed my tapering off last year was that every single time I got the sense that I was beating this thing, I would "celebrate" by taking extra pills since I had "learned my lesson". There is a crazy sense of power I would get that I had control over opiates, and I never did. I had to quit oxys for one week before my second knee replacement surgery, and oddly I did not feel empowered by that at all. I just figured, HELL, I'm getting my pills in a few days anyway, so I'll just tough it out. What I should have really realized is that the surgeons don't even want to do surgery on someone who is opiate dependent. That's how bad being opiate dependent is. I know you already know these things.

I also tend to be of the "all or nothing" mindset. If I screw up, it's like, "what the hell", and I go totally overboard, usually believing I'll just get back on track right after this binge. Of course, that never happens.

You've already hit on what I would advise for the future in some of your other posts. Truly, for me and most of us I think, restricting your ACCESS is really the only way to be sure you won't slip up. There are so many times in the past few months I have thanked the lord I didn't have any oxys around. A bad day, a panic attack, a celebration, extra "pain" I would never have treated with oxys in my earlier life -- hell, just waking up in the morning and remembering the oxy lift I used to count on each morning to get me going. I can't miss that morning dose if I am honest with myself. I just woke up so sick and clammy and dysfunctional that I made oxycodone the reason I would even get up at all. What a sick way to live. I have to find ways to remember what my mornings were really like on oxycodone.

Personally, I think that accountability goes hand in hand with limiting ACCESS, because if you are the only person who knows you are depriving yourself of narcotics, it is all too easy to start using them again. I use the term "depriving yourself", because that is what it really is when you could easily pick right back up where you left off with your addiction.

So, surround yourself with people who know you are in recovery and care as much as you do that you don't use again. And make sure you couldn't use even if you wanted to.

Everything I've just said is not new, and I don't mean to be patronizing. They are just things I continue to tell myself over and over again, so I don't tread that oxy road again.

FT
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:06 PM
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Failedtaper,
I completely agree with your comment about the oxys in the morning. I became so used to taking that sooooo important "morning dose" that I find the morning to be one of my toughest parts of withdrawal. However, I am just pushing through that feeling and realizing it will get better.
Yes, restricting access will definitely help in the future. The less encounters I have, the better. And I truly find peace and strength in the NA meetings. They really do help and I'm trying hard to work the steps. Did you attend NA?
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Old 07-31-2011, 07:54 AM
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Hi DWP: That morning dose was what stopped me from succeeding at tapering off the oxys. All last year, I truly believed I would be able to keep "my" oxys for the rest of my life if I wanted to -- my plan was to JUST do my morning dose, and I would be fine. I could not imagine how I was going to be able to start each day without the pills. I did not WANT to imagine it! After all, I had the MIRACLE PILL! The one and only drug that fixed EVERYTHING that was wrong with me in one gulp! I remember looking around at all the anonymous faces on the street, bus, office, wherever, and feeling so jealous of them all. I knew that, with few exceptions, pretty much all of THEM were getting up without oxys every day. I wanted what they had. Why couldn't I do it when they could?

Crazy thoughts. And I am so so so so happy not to wake up to the nauseating cold sweats every morning any more. Funny how my "addict brain" was perfectly happy to put up with feeling so sick every morning as long as I could get my drug. Bad stuff.

Yes, I've been to NA. I mention it here now and then, even though I didn't use NA to get me through this recovery. I went years ago in a different recovery, tried both AA and NA, and I absolutely loved the NA meeting that had all the street people in it. I had been to some meetings in "good" neighborhoods, but they were boring. The urban meeting with the street people was so colorful, so full of real stories, and I came away with some of my most meaningful advice from "old-timers" there. I've often wondered how many of the people I met there "made it".

I chose not to do NA this time because I couldn't. I am a full time university student and work full time, plus I have been retraining in my medical field, which will be finished soon. I literally did not have the means (transportation or time) to put meetings in there, although I would have found a way if my family support had not been enough.

I hope you are well this morning. I totally agree with how long those first days and weeks seem to linger on. A week flies by when you are using. In withdrawal, it is a slow, agonizing, eternity.

FT
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:06 AM
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Failedtaper,
I am doing ok this am...a little over a week in recovery. I also believe that the morning dose was the dose I struggled with the most, using and being clean. However, I would go places and see people and instead of thinking they are all clean, I began wondering how many of them were secret users also. I began to get jealous of people who had narcotics for various reasons. It's a crazy way to think, I know, but as you stated my "addict" brain just couldn't/can't help it. I am just taking things one day at a time, trying to be strong. I never realized how powerful addiction can be and how many people are struggling!
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