NVRAGAIN3PCT

Found an old purse of mine here at the farm and I was possessed tearing that thing apart looking for an errant pill.

Carl help me when I am home

Maybe I need to find some meetings.

Thank Carl there where none to be found.

Thank Carl I dumped my using BF.

gibson3479

Sorry if this sounds rude..not intending to be ...but huh?

NVRAGAIN3PCT

I am a month clean and on vacation with no stash and none to be found thank Carl but found an old purse of mine here and I went crazy for no reson looking for an oxy.

Carl is Carl Sagan - my higher power.

FT

Hey NVR:

I told a story somewhere on these threads about something I did that I may now find amusing, but it really was not. I was somewhere around where you are in weeks clean when I found an old dirty pill on the floor of my bathroom while I was cleaning. I mean, come on, an old dirty, dusty pill, with cat hair on it, and who knows -- maybe poop????

You don't need to hear more, but maybe you can guess what I did next... Yeah, I swallowed it. I don't know what it was, but it wasn't oxy. Just the fact that MAYBE it was an oxy, and I was out of control, no one watching. It was probably an old iron pill or something. Maybe a clonidine. I have no idea, because it did nothing.

Hey, dear. I learned from that episode what a deep issue oxys were for me. Are for me. I don't know.

Would I take the old-dusty-dirty-cat haired-maybe-poop pill if I found one on the floor today? HELL no.

Even though I would not trust myself with a stash of not-poopy oxy pills anywhere nearby even now, I really don't think I'd be tempted by some rogue pill I found on the floor.

If I had found one in an old purse at a month out? I probably would have behaved just like you did. Live and learn. Figure out how you are going to have NO ACCESS when you get home. That's really the only way to be sure you don't slip in the early stages of recovery. Trust me on this one.

FT

(by the way, SickButHappy really read me the riot act over that one)

NVRAGAIN3PCT

Thank you. It scared me. I was thinking WHAT ARE YOU DOING??

I then had a panic attack and a fight with my dad.

Rough morning.

But I decided to buy a townhouse and leave my family's 'protection'

As for my ex bf. I've made it clear I won't see him but he talks like I've said nothing. Talks about how 'everyone' is inspired by me to quit.

I cannot be around it at any costs.

As you said before, reality is coming fast as we leave tomorrow for home.

Carl help me.

Yet I am as determined than ever and grateful for the reminder yesterday that oh hell yeah I AM AN ADDICT.

I see my psych and therapist next week.

I've got support but must stay away from the ex and all 'our friends' - nothing but trouble. Thank Carl I don't do coke. They pass it around like dinner mints.

I've never abused Xanax and have been prescribed that on and off since I was in high school.

I am very grateful that my meds are kicking in and for the first time in 8 years my brain doesn't feel like a hot, buzzing electrical fire.

I'll need to be extra vigilant at home. Grateful for this wake up call.

Thank Carl for feeling great today and still clean.

Thank the Universe!

Thank FT :-)