I've totally had it-- I don't want to do this anymore, be here anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Boca *****
Posts: 211
I've totally had it-- I don't want to do this anymore, be here anymore
spare me the crisis hotline numbers, I know them. I was more responsible as a 20 year old bride than I am at 39. I can't seem to force myself to do anything... not leave the house, not anything. I find joy in nothing and it's too late for me to have kids, so I have really shaved down my dating options by a million because I like younger or same age guys, not older...
Forcing myself to shower so I can wallow on the couch all day... I am truly pathetic and I have been out of work for a year, I am supposed to start a job next month but it's falling apart......... I simply don't give a crap if I end up in a shelter, all I care about is making sure my TV/Furniture is safe in storage.
PAWS or post w/d depression is no joke.
Forcing myself to shower so I can wallow on the couch all day... I am truly pathetic and I have been out of work for a year, I am supposed to start a job next month but it's falling apart......... I simply don't give a crap if I end up in a shelter, all I care about is making sure my TV/Furniture is safe in storage.
PAWS or post w/d depression is no joke.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 409
(((oxyious)))
Please hang in there. If you can force ourself to shower, perhaps you can force yourself to take a walk in the park maybe?
I know that isn't the greatest answer, but I just wanted to respond and let you know you are worth it, and WE care even if you don't right now.
I too went for an extended time without employment and believe me, the job I have now is one that I can't wait to change, but at the same time I am thankful for having some kind of employment. That alone made a huge difference in the way I saw myself.
At 39, it isn't too late to have kids, and even if you have had sterilization (like me) then you could always adopt if you find the right guy.
Just hang in there OK. It is OK to do nothing sometimes, as long as that includes NOT using.
Please hang in there. If you can force ourself to shower, perhaps you can force yourself to take a walk in the park maybe?
I know that isn't the greatest answer, but I just wanted to respond and let you know you are worth it, and WE care even if you don't right now.
I too went for an extended time without employment and believe me, the job I have now is one that I can't wait to change, but at the same time I am thankful for having some kind of employment. That alone made a huge difference in the way I saw myself.
At 39, it isn't too late to have kids, and even if you have had sterilization (like me) then you could always adopt if you find the right guy.
Just hang in there OK. It is OK to do nothing sometimes, as long as that includes NOT using.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 335
I've been out of work for years because of anxiety, panic disorder, social anxiety, agoraphobia, drug use and alcoholism. I would wake up show myself for maybe 2 hours then sleep again because I was so tired and unwell it was a miserable existance. I felt like **** and hungover all the time and the only time I would do anything was when I was actually drinking. It was only temporary bliss and I was all fat and bloated. I'm clean and sober for 94 days now and it has got better (much better). Have you tried listening to music? It has always helped me in the low times of my life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: land of sunshine and pill mills
Posts: 272
Oxyious- I wondered where you were! I always look to you for those fantastic writings of pill behavior. Always dead on.
HOLD ON
thank you for coming here today and sharing. For reminding others like myself that I can't relax when I have a perfect day (like yesterday) because PAWS isn't a joke.
I care about how you are doing and hope that today even if you Just watch tv that you can tell yourself 'It is enough.' Just for today, you are enough.
Just hold on for today.
Let us know how you are.
Hugs, peace and blessings
Thank you Carl.
Thank the Universe.
HOLD ON
thank you for coming here today and sharing. For reminding others like myself that I can't relax when I have a perfect day (like yesterday) because PAWS isn't a joke.
I care about how you are doing and hope that today even if you Just watch tv that you can tell yourself 'It is enough.' Just for today, you are enough.
Just hold on for today.
Let us know how you are.
Hugs, peace and blessings
Thank you Carl.
Thank the Universe.
TheMostSordidSpotOnEarth
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: ParadiseOnEarth
Posts: 811
Oxyious, you are a precious and irreplacable part of this universe, and you are loved beyond measure.
Take your foot off your neck, and breathe.
How about getting to a meeting today?
This is the end of being alone, if you choose to accept help.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Be safe.
With love,
SIU
Take your foot off your neck, and breathe.
How about getting to a meeting today?
This is the end of being alone, if you choose to accept help.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Be safe.
With love,
SIU
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I am an expert in only my own addictions and problems. That being said...
Oxyious, a courageous post on your part. And a red flag to your recovery.
Depression is a medical condition and should be treated as such. If you are depressed seek help. Please.
Despair and hopelessness is a human condition. Sometimes it must be endured. Unfortunately, I'm an addict\alcoholic. I don't endure despair well. I don't endure anything well, even happiness.
I've used despair many times to derail my recovery. Hopelessness was a reason to use. But I could usually fight through feeling sad. Worse than the despair, for my recovery, was my beating myself up about being miserable. It was if my addiction was looking for a crack in my armour. If it could get me to say F*** it, I could resort to my tried and true method of dealing with feeling bad. NUMBING MYSELF.
I've learned this in the course of my recovery. It's okay to feel bad. There is a lot going on in life...not all of it good. I've dragged a lot of dark clouds out of my addictions into my recovery. I have to deal with them. Furthermore, I don't want to compare myself to starving kids in Sudan in order to feel good. These are my problems and I "deserve" to feel bad about them, as minor as they might be to someone else. I am not going to beat myself up for my feelings. And I am not going to turn my problems into an excuse to use.
Hang in there.
Oxyious, a courageous post on your part. And a red flag to your recovery.
Depression is a medical condition and should be treated as such. If you are depressed seek help. Please.
Despair and hopelessness is a human condition. Sometimes it must be endured. Unfortunately, I'm an addict\alcoholic. I don't endure despair well. I don't endure anything well, even happiness.
I've used despair many times to derail my recovery. Hopelessness was a reason to use. But I could usually fight through feeling sad. Worse than the despair, for my recovery, was my beating myself up about being miserable. It was if my addiction was looking for a crack in my armour. If it could get me to say F*** it, I could resort to my tried and true method of dealing with feeling bad. NUMBING MYSELF.
I've learned this in the course of my recovery. It's okay to feel bad. There is a lot going on in life...not all of it good. I've dragged a lot of dark clouds out of my addictions into my recovery. I have to deal with them. Furthermore, I don't want to compare myself to starving kids in Sudan in order to feel good. These are my problems and I "deserve" to feel bad about them, as minor as they might be to someone else. I am not going to beat myself up for my feelings. And I am not going to turn my problems into an excuse to use.
Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Boca *****
Posts: 211
Thanks to the few of you that noticed I was gone. I'm still couch bound. My retirement money is almost gone and I can't see myself lasting at a job... I don't know wth to do. I won't take the blue/evil pills again, but I'm one of those people with a legit pain problem that has become very accute. I don't care to eat, do anything...
I can't say it enough, PAWS is so real.
I can't say it enough, PAWS is so real.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: land of sunshine and pill mills
Posts: 272
Oxyious- you are not alone.
I too have serious chronic pain issues. My alimony and other money running short. I understand.
Hold on today. Just today.
Sending peace and blessings.
You are enough. Just for today, you are enough.
Thank Carl.
Thank the Universe.
I too have serious chronic pain issues. My alimony and other money running short. I understand.
Hold on today. Just today.
Sending peace and blessings.
You are enough. Just for today, you are enough.
Thank Carl.
Thank the Universe.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New Hope, PA
Posts: 114
Hi Oxyious,
You have just described me to a tee. I am a realtor and pretty much have been unemployed for the past three years. The only difference is I work hard and don't get paid...no unemployment either. I have become very depressed...it's a roller coaster ride for me. I have a few good days and then wham a 5 day binge. I understand exactly how you feel, as I have used a lot of my retirement money, but I am close to retirement age, so no chance of recuping it. I am going to shower today and get out and see a client. I am going to try to do some exercise, because I do think it works. I know it is almost impossible to push yourself to do anything, but try hard. I would love to spend another day drunk on my couch, but this has to end. I need to somehow get back in society. Fortunately, I have a daughter I am close with and a gorgeous grandson, who are the only reason I go on. I wish you the very best and urge you to try so hard to do something productive today. Maybe we can help each other since we are both in the same place. We could check in on each other every day an promise each other to get going and stay sober. Hugs...Big Hugs
You have just described me to a tee. I am a realtor and pretty much have been unemployed for the past three years. The only difference is I work hard and don't get paid...no unemployment either. I have become very depressed...it's a roller coaster ride for me. I have a few good days and then wham a 5 day binge. I understand exactly how you feel, as I have used a lot of my retirement money, but I am close to retirement age, so no chance of recuping it. I am going to shower today and get out and see a client. I am going to try to do some exercise, because I do think it works. I know it is almost impossible to push yourself to do anything, but try hard. I would love to spend another day drunk on my couch, but this has to end. I need to somehow get back in society. Fortunately, I have a daughter I am close with and a gorgeous grandson, who are the only reason I go on. I wish you the very best and urge you to try so hard to do something productive today. Maybe we can help each other since we are both in the same place. We could check in on each other every day an promise each other to get going and stay sober. Hugs...Big Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 40
Oxyious
You are not alone. Many of us have dealt with PAWS, lots of us MANY times. Just remember take it one day at a time. Crap, take it one minute or hour at a time. Just remind yourself that it will pass and things will get better. Pills/drinking will only numb the pain and start the process all over again. I also lay in bed during withdrawls and spend the majority of my time watching TV. I literally feel like doing anything else is too overwhelming. But remember, that's the drug messing with our minds. All the stuff that "needs" to get done like laundry and cleaning etc can wait. Get yourself through this; focus on you. You have already started the process and remember you are strong enough to do this. We are all here for you, and almost all of us have been through or are going through what you are. You are worth being clean, happy, and sober!!!
You are not alone. Many of us have dealt with PAWS, lots of us MANY times. Just remember take it one day at a time. Crap, take it one minute or hour at a time. Just remind yourself that it will pass and things will get better. Pills/drinking will only numb the pain and start the process all over again. I also lay in bed during withdrawls and spend the majority of my time watching TV. I literally feel like doing anything else is too overwhelming. But remember, that's the drug messing with our minds. All the stuff that "needs" to get done like laundry and cleaning etc can wait. Get yourself through this; focus on you. You have already started the process and remember you are strong enough to do this. We are all here for you, and almost all of us have been through or are going through what you are. You are worth being clean, happy, and sober!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Brazil
Posts: 36
Hi there Oxyious. I know exactly how you feel. I have been off of Methadone since March 14 and have been going through the crazy roller coaster ride of it. I went through the whole depression, feelings of guilt, sleepless nights and a lot of regrets.
I'm also 39 years old, no kids, no husband, no job. But, I am feeling much better these days. Trust me, it gets better. I didn't think it would, but it did.
Please hang in there. It is definitely worth it.
I'm also 39 years old, no kids, no husband, no job. But, I am feeling much better these days. Trust me, it gets better. I didn't think it would, but it did.
Please hang in there. It is definitely worth it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 61
I once tried to commit suicide. It was an overdose on pills, it was 2 bottles of wellbutrin. I needed to know what would happen so I called the poison control hotline. The hot line said I would go in to seizures and my heart will stop. I seriously drove in my car thinking this was the end of it. I wasn't going to call for help. It was hard and at times I wanted to change my mind.
After about 6 hours I couldn't walk any more. I made it to my front stairs and laid there for hours. Though no fault of my own I did puke, but it was just a little bit. I went to my room and just sat there, couldn't talk, couldn't move couldn't think, couldn't eat, couldn't do anything. After a day I was able to crawal to the bath room. It was just outside me room but it took me a half hour to make it there and back. I just started a new job and I couldn't go to work for 2 days. the 3rd day I went and I couldn't even hold my head up. The boss told me to leave and I was really worried that I could not make it home. I had to pull over 2 times to take a short nap. I went in to my room for another 3 days. It took almost 2 weeks for me to be back to normal.
So trust me I totally understand what you mean when you say you want to end it.
Who ever said committing suicide is the easy way out is wrong and they have never tried it. You can think about suicide all you want but when you pick up that knife, or gun, or take the pills or go to the top floor your opinion will be different. You may still jump but you will know suicide is not the easy way out and that you truly want to end your life.
As of right now I am mostly happy that I'm still alive. I know that I am more glad that I am alive than not alive. Send me a private message or some how let me know if you want to hear more of my story or if I can you more insight or if I can somehow attempt inspire you to live.
Good luck, and call me a jerk or what ever and I do think this is a relevant and important question. What is your plan?
After about 6 hours I couldn't walk any more. I made it to my front stairs and laid there for hours. Though no fault of my own I did puke, but it was just a little bit. I went to my room and just sat there, couldn't talk, couldn't move couldn't think, couldn't eat, couldn't do anything. After a day I was able to crawal to the bath room. It was just outside me room but it took me a half hour to make it there and back. I just started a new job and I couldn't go to work for 2 days. the 3rd day I went and I couldn't even hold my head up. The boss told me to leave and I was really worried that I could not make it home. I had to pull over 2 times to take a short nap. I went in to my room for another 3 days. It took almost 2 weeks for me to be back to normal.
So trust me I totally understand what you mean when you say you want to end it.
Who ever said committing suicide is the easy way out is wrong and they have never tried it. You can think about suicide all you want but when you pick up that knife, or gun, or take the pills or go to the top floor your opinion will be different. You may still jump but you will know suicide is not the easy way out and that you truly want to end your life.
As of right now I am mostly happy that I'm still alive. I know that I am more glad that I am alive than not alive. Send me a private message or some how let me know if you want to hear more of my story or if I can you more insight or if I can somehow attempt inspire you to live.
Good luck, and call me a jerk or what ever and I do think this is a relevant and important question. What is your plan?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 61
Why doesn't this post say the day it was written. I just saw that you are still around and hanging in there
I wrote my response after I read your orginal post. I am going to leave my response there. I spent to long writting it lol!!!
I wrote my response after I read your orginal post. I am going to leave my response there. I spent to long writting it lol!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Boca *****
Posts: 211
Coffee, I'm still hanging in there. Probably should take a fricken shower though.
I understand suicide very well. I tried it on Xmas 10 years ago (it was my 6th Christmas alone (my parents told me not to come home, again... typical... I was a mistake and they don't like me).... anyhow, I smashed my glass endtable, took a chunk to my wrist and sliced through my tendons and needed a lengthy surgery to repair them.
I will NEVER try suicide again even when I feel like dying. Watching the blood nearly splatter the ceiling every time my heart pumped freaked me the hell out and I called 911 just before passing out. (Stupid, Stupid, Stupid)... and trying to explain my scar is no fun to this day.
I understand suicide very well. I tried it on Xmas 10 years ago (it was my 6th Christmas alone (my parents told me not to come home, again... typical... I was a mistake and they don't like me).... anyhow, I smashed my glass endtable, took a chunk to my wrist and sliced through my tendons and needed a lengthy surgery to repair them.
I will NEVER try suicide again even when I feel like dying. Watching the blood nearly splatter the ceiling every time my heart pumped freaked me the hell out and I called 911 just before passing out. (Stupid, Stupid, Stupid)... and trying to explain my scar is no fun to this day.
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